Dear Mason,
I started hanging out with this guy when school first started. He was really nice to me at the time. He coaches for a dance troupe after school, I asked if I could tag along and he said yes. After doing that, we hung out a lot more in school. There was also this one time when he asked me if I could go watch a movie with him [through text]. I did end up going...ahehehe.... He has also asked me the question if I had a boyfriend, and of course I don't, duh! So ya, we really hung out a lot during the first month of school. There was another time when he asked me if I wanted to go to this real fancy restaurant in campus. We had a great time. Everything went well. The week after though seemed a bit different. We didn't talk as much, partially because I started feeling too shy, and I' wondering if he's beginning to lose interest in me, because my liking him has kinda just started.... it's only been six weeks, so I wouldn't like to think that someone can be interested in another and then just stop. I want to show him that I am interested before it's too late. What do i do?
V
V,
6 weeks and nothing yet? There is such a thing as taking it too slow. You need to be forward and take the reigns. It sounds like you are sitting back waiting for him to put you in a position where you can show interest. Instead of waiting you need to jump up and make something happen. Ask him out, take him somewhere, and take control. I'm not saying to be completely in his face but you need to make your attraction obvious.
Flirting is always good and gives a playful atmosphere to anything. There are lots of little things you can do to broadcast attraction but the best way to do it is to simply tell him, "I LIKE YOU!". He obviously is interested if he is asking you to the movies or taking you to dinner now you need reciprocate!
The longer you go without making a move or letting him know you are interested then the further away you will push him. The opposite of interest is disinterest and if you don't show that you are interested then the guy will assume disinterest and why would someone want to keep taking out and hanging out with someone who is not interested?
It has been 6 weeks and that is a long time to spend hanging out with someone and not know if they are interested. You need to make a move and you need to do it fast.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Booty Call Is Just That
I met Mark at work, we had good conversation at work for over a year. We could talk about anything never did we talk about the two of us hooking up, but it happened. We are now secret lovers, I don't want a relationship and neither does he, but I'm starting to feel bad about the fact that we can't be seen in public and I'm also starting to lose respect for myself because this is the first time i've ever done anything like this.That is be a after hours only chick. Neither of us have someone special in our life, but we work together and don't want the drama it could bring at work. I want to start going out in public even though I don't want a relationship,but he still do not want to. I'm in my late 30's and like being single for the first time after a marriage, then long term relationship, but this is eating at me. Help what sould I do.
L,
This is a normal thing that starts happening when a booty call starts out with both parties addressing it as just a booty call. Guys don't need to emotionally attached to be physical with someone. Sex is just that, sex. That is what it means to guys, it feels good and they like it. Guys can have sex with someone regularly and not get attached. Women are different, they tend to get attached emotionally after sleeping with someone regularly. Whether it be a lot or not, there is some emotional attachment for women there and that is exactly what is going on right now.
You have been sleeping with this man for a while now and you are starting to get attracted emotionally. You say you don't want a relationship but I think that if he wanted to take it to the next level then you wouldn't hesitate to.
For this guy, your relationship with him is strictly physical. It is the ideal relationship for all guys. He has a willing girl he can sleep with and not have to worry about relationships or emotions. He is getting his sexual gratification without strings.
Now, I'm not saying this relationship is a bad thing. By all means this is not a bad thing. I have a few friends like this :-) BUT, when you are in this type of relationship, an "after hours" relationship as you call it, then you need to not expect anything more than the after hours gratification that the relationship is based on. Once you start wanting more then you will start to get disappointed.
A booty call is just that, a booty call, don't expect anything more from it or else you will be disappointed.
Thanks,
L
L,
This is a normal thing that starts happening when a booty call starts out with both parties addressing it as just a booty call. Guys don't need to emotionally attached to be physical with someone. Sex is just that, sex. That is what it means to guys, it feels good and they like it. Guys can have sex with someone regularly and not get attached. Women are different, they tend to get attached emotionally after sleeping with someone regularly. Whether it be a lot or not, there is some emotional attachment for women there and that is exactly what is going on right now.
You have been sleeping with this man for a while now and you are starting to get attracted emotionally. You say you don't want a relationship but I think that if he wanted to take it to the next level then you wouldn't hesitate to.
For this guy, your relationship with him is strictly physical. It is the ideal relationship for all guys. He has a willing girl he can sleep with and not have to worry about relationships or emotions. He is getting his sexual gratification without strings.
Now, I'm not saying this relationship is a bad thing. By all means this is not a bad thing. I have a few friends like this :-) BUT, when you are in this type of relationship, an "after hours" relationship as you call it, then you need to not expect anything more than the after hours gratification that the relationship is based on. Once you start wanting more then you will start to get disappointed.
A booty call is just that, a booty call, don't expect anything more from it or else you will be disappointed.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Don't Settle
On numerous occasions I have said how picky I am or that I get bored with girls easily. Being picky isn't necessarily a bad thing and getting bored is a defense against getting stuck in a monotonous relationship. Lets look into this.
Like I said in Single And Happy, I can get a girlfriend if I want, I can date someone tomorrow if I want but that does not mean that I will be content and happy with the relationship. I see a lot of people in those boring monotonous relationships that lose the spark after 3 months but still manage to last 3 years. I always wonder, what is the point? It's settling and I refuse to settle. I have seen people who have been together for years and then get married "because [they] have been together for so long and that is the next step." REALLY?!?! You take the next step with someone because you are inspired to, because you love how your feelings for the person grow day by day, because you love how that person makes you feel, not because "It's been a while and that's the next step"
A relationship should grow with each day and in that successful relationship that we all strive for the spark should never die. You should grow more fond of your partner each day you are together. The moment the spark dies in a relationship then both parties have started to settle. A relationship should inspire both people and the next step should never be a question. You should not take the next step in a relationship "because it's been a while and it seems like the right thing to do." You should take it because you want to! There are some quotes that come to mind when on this subject:
"I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you" -Should be true for EVERY relationship. You should not only fall for the person you are with but fall for the person you become as a result of the person you are with.
"Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you." -A relationship is made up of 2 individuals. Your individuality is what got you into a relationship, never lose it because when you do and that relationship is over it's harder to find yourself then it is to find a bad rebound relationship.
Settling is never a good thing. You will never hear anyone say, "I'm so happy that I settled." Never regret anything because at one point in time it was exactly what you wanted. You're going to meet the wrong people before you meet the right person so you know how good you have it.
Like I said in Single And Happy, I can get a girlfriend if I want, I can date someone tomorrow if I want but that does not mean that I will be content and happy with the relationship. I see a lot of people in those boring monotonous relationships that lose the spark after 3 months but still manage to last 3 years. I always wonder, what is the point? It's settling and I refuse to settle. I have seen people who have been together for years and then get married "because [they] have been together for so long and that is the next step." REALLY?!?! You take the next step with someone because you are inspired to, because you love how your feelings for the person grow day by day, because you love how that person makes you feel, not because "It's been a while and that's the next step"
A relationship should grow with each day and in that successful relationship that we all strive for the spark should never die. You should grow more fond of your partner each day you are together. The moment the spark dies in a relationship then both parties have started to settle. A relationship should inspire both people and the next step should never be a question. You should not take the next step in a relationship "because it's been a while and it seems like the right thing to do." You should take it because you want to! There are some quotes that come to mind when on this subject:
"I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you" -Should be true for EVERY relationship. You should not only fall for the person you are with but fall for the person you become as a result of the person you are with.
"Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you." -A relationship is made up of 2 individuals. Your individuality is what got you into a relationship, never lose it because when you do and that relationship is over it's harder to find yourself then it is to find a bad rebound relationship.
Settling is never a good thing. You will never hear anyone say, "I'm so happy that I settled." Never regret anything because at one point in time it was exactly what you wanted. You're going to meet the wrong people before you meet the right person so you know how good you have it.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
I Want Some Time For Me
Hi Stanley!
I believe that is your name....I came across your site and it says you like to give out advice and I have a very peculiar situation I thought you may have a few things to say about. I think it's awesome you are willing to put your two cents in by the way it's very much appreciated to women who may not quite know how to handle a situation with their significant other. So for starters, I am 21 one years old and so is (we will call him simply by his name Chris. Chris and I have been attached at the hip since age 12. Coming from a broken family myself, this guy has really gone above and beyond for me in every aspect. I truly need to credit him for helping me grow as a person by pushing me to be my best. We began dating in our last year of high school and last year in september he broke up with me and simply said I want us to have some time for ourselves and to focus on school and that he had a gut feeling it was the right thing to do. We had an awesome relationship with respect, trust, and honesty and have to this day not lost an almost obsessive attraction towards each other. The reason I am confused is because he is taking time for himself like he said and has not dated at all. Not a single time. I on the other hand have in attempt to get over him. It's almost been a year. I've been told many times to move on but I simply can't. My father has taught me a lot about everything a guy SHOULDN'T be and I can truly say this guy is one worth waiting for. I just don't know how long though. We still say our I love you's and occasionally slip when it comes to physical stuff. I feel everything is still there if not more but it kills me to know he won't simply commit. He says he's not ready for it but I really can't understand what's going on. He will also tell others that he doesn't know if it will be two days from now or five years from now, that if things are meant to be they will work out in due time. I feel as if I'm being tested with time. If he showed any action of moving on I would have too, but like I said before, he has no interest in being with anyone else and he is very open and blatant about that. Any advice would help. Thank you so much for reading.
V
V,
Let me start out by saying that it is awesome that you found a great guy. There are great guys out there and women just don't see it because they date guys they find in bars and then wonder why all guys are jerks.
You guys have been together for a while but both of you are still young. You have your whole lives ahead of you. Relationships do take a lot of a person and it is hard to be 21 and try to get the rest of your life in order while focusing 100% on a committed relationship. It sounds like Chris may know just this after being in a relationship with you.
He sounds like an easy going guy that wants to just let things happen that are going to happen. With this mentality he isn't driven to try to pursue something more at anytime because, "Hey, whatever happens is going to happen, lets not fret over it." He wants to focus on school and other things which is completely respectable. It's hard to tell exactly where he is coming from just by the mere fact that he hasn't dated nor does he want to date anyone. I am willing to go on a limb here and say that maybe he is being completely honest and wants to focus on school and setting himself up for a great future.
He says he wants to be together in the future but not now and you want to be committed now. The worst thing to do is to dwell on the issue and constantly bring it up or remind him. Just because he doesn't want to date anyone right now, doesn't mean that you should be the same way. If you feel like dating then date. If you want to go out with another boy then do it. Maybe that be the catalyst that makes him realize that you can be a hot commodity right now that he is missing out on.
Like in the movie The Breakup where Vince Vaughn doesn't really get jealous until the good looking guy comes over to take Jennifer Aniston out on a date. It's playing a little bit dirty but sometimes guys just need that kick in the pants. If your man is sitting on the fence then sometimes it takes someone else shaking the fence to make him realize which side he needs to be on.
I believe that is your name....I came across your site and it says you like to give out advice and I have a very peculiar situation I thought you may have a few things to say about. I think it's awesome you are willing to put your two cents in by the way it's very much appreciated to women who may not quite know how to handle a situation with their significant other. So for starters, I am 21 one years old and so is (we will call him simply by his name Chris. Chris and I have been attached at the hip since age 12. Coming from a broken family myself, this guy has really gone above and beyond for me in every aspect. I truly need to credit him for helping me grow as a person by pushing me to be my best. We began dating in our last year of high school and last year in september he broke up with me and simply said I want us to have some time for ourselves and to focus on school and that he had a gut feeling it was the right thing to do. We had an awesome relationship with respect, trust, and honesty and have to this day not lost an almost obsessive attraction towards each other. The reason I am confused is because he is taking time for himself like he said and has not dated at all. Not a single time. I on the other hand have in attempt to get over him. It's almost been a year. I've been told many times to move on but I simply can't. My father has taught me a lot about everything a guy SHOULDN'T be and I can truly say this guy is one worth waiting for. I just don't know how long though. We still say our I love you's and occasionally slip when it comes to physical stuff. I feel everything is still there if not more but it kills me to know he won't simply commit. He says he's not ready for it but I really can't understand what's going on. He will also tell others that he doesn't know if it will be two days from now or five years from now, that if things are meant to be they will work out in due time. I feel as if I'm being tested with time. If he showed any action of moving on I would have too, but like I said before, he has no interest in being with anyone else and he is very open and blatant about that. Any advice would help. Thank you so much for reading.
V
V,
Let me start out by saying that it is awesome that you found a great guy. There are great guys out there and women just don't see it because they date guys they find in bars and then wonder why all guys are jerks.
You guys have been together for a while but both of you are still young. You have your whole lives ahead of you. Relationships do take a lot of a person and it is hard to be 21 and try to get the rest of your life in order while focusing 100% on a committed relationship. It sounds like Chris may know just this after being in a relationship with you.
He sounds like an easy going guy that wants to just let things happen that are going to happen. With this mentality he isn't driven to try to pursue something more at anytime because, "Hey, whatever happens is going to happen, lets not fret over it." He wants to focus on school and other things which is completely respectable. It's hard to tell exactly where he is coming from just by the mere fact that he hasn't dated nor does he want to date anyone. I am willing to go on a limb here and say that maybe he is being completely honest and wants to focus on school and setting himself up for a great future.
He says he wants to be together in the future but not now and you want to be committed now. The worst thing to do is to dwell on the issue and constantly bring it up or remind him. Just because he doesn't want to date anyone right now, doesn't mean that you should be the same way. If you feel like dating then date. If you want to go out with another boy then do it. Maybe that be the catalyst that makes him realize that you can be a hot commodity right now that he is missing out on.
Like in the movie The Breakup where Vince Vaughn doesn't really get jealous until the good looking guy comes over to take Jennifer Aniston out on a date. It's playing a little bit dirty but sometimes guys just need that kick in the pants. If your man is sitting on the fence then sometimes it takes someone else shaking the fence to make him realize which side he needs to be on.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I'm On Single Edition!
Click HERE to check it out!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Learn How To Be Chased...
Mason,
I'll cut right to the chase. K and I were together for 6 years. After two years, I moved with him to live in another state in the hopes that we would eventually get married. He was aware that I wanted to eventually get married, but somehow things drug on and we never got to the point of marriage. I got angry and resentful towards him, and he pulled more and more away. We really cared about each other, but really couldn't communicate about it. I eventually got really frustrated and ended it. That was a year and a half ago. We really were good friends and had a great relationship, we just both had committment issues which muddied the waters. I think they could be worked out, if we tried. The break up has been very amicable, in fact we have kept in contact, and have talked probably at least once a month since we broke up. Recently, he had a few crisis, and called me. We both have been dating other people, (he has been dating someone for a year who lives in another state) So is it odd that he keeps coming to me at times of stress? Of course, I still think about him alot, and he is the first person I want to call if something good or bad happens.
Basically, I'm not happy with the men I've been dating, and I still care about him. I want to see if we can work things out. If we can't work things out, I have to move on, because thinking "what if" (and wondering what he is doing with his girlfriend) is making me go crazy.
I mailed him a very nice letter, saying that It is too hard for me to be his friend, and if he thinks that there is a chance with us, we should talk, otherwise I need to move on. It basically was a "closure" letter. I thought it might help me move on. I got a text from him when he got the letter, he said it was very nice, thank you, and we would talk later, because he had just flown back into town and was tired.
That was a week ago and I haven't heard from him. Was sending the letter the wrong thing to do? What should my action plan be now?I know that I shouldn't seem too desperate (I don't think the letter came across that way). Also, his birthday is in three days, I was wondering if I should send a happy birthday text or ignore it?
Any advise is appreciated. Thank you.
-A
A,
Sending the letter really wasn't the wrong thing to do if you actually meant it. He knows you well and if he thinks that you didn't mean it then most likely he will just brush it off and continue like the letter wasn't sent. The next plan of action is to actually follow up on what the letter said and not talk to him. By talking to him you are hurting yourself because you aren't letting yourself let go of the idea of you and him together again and you are not giving other guys you meet or will meet a chance because of that little seed in the back of your mind that you still may get back together with this guy.
That letter was a good start but now it's time to follow up on what you said. If he truly wants to get with you again then he will start making an effort and the only way that is going to happen is if you really truly do start to move on. It's basically the the cat string theory but in this case you need to try to move on for real. If you start to move on and that reignites his interest then all is well but if you start to move on and he sees that and does nothing then moving on should be the best decision.
No one should date someone who wouldn't fight for them and fight to have them and keep them. That is how the boring and monotonous relationships are and those are the relationships that lose the spark. The letter has been sent and he has it now, so the ball is in his court. You should really try to move on just because it has been so long and it would be good for you. While doing that, if he feels the same way about you, then that should light a fire underneath his butt. If he doesn't then at least you found out and you shouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't giving as much as you. Remember, relationships are not 50/50, they are 100/100. Never settle for anything less.
I'll cut right to the chase. K and I were together for 6 years. After two years, I moved with him to live in another state in the hopes that we would eventually get married. He was aware that I wanted to eventually get married, but somehow things drug on and we never got to the point of marriage. I got angry and resentful towards him, and he pulled more and more away. We really cared about each other, but really couldn't communicate about it. I eventually got really frustrated and ended it. That was a year and a half ago. We really were good friends and had a great relationship, we just both had committment issues which muddied the waters. I think they could be worked out, if we tried. The break up has been very amicable, in fact we have kept in contact, and have talked probably at least once a month since we broke up. Recently, he had a few crisis, and called me. We both have been dating other people, (he has been dating someone for a year who lives in another state) So is it odd that he keeps coming to me at times of stress? Of course, I still think about him alot, and he is the first person I want to call if something good or bad happens.
Basically, I'm not happy with the men I've been dating, and I still care about him. I want to see if we can work things out. If we can't work things out, I have to move on, because thinking "what if" (and wondering what he is doing with his girlfriend) is making me go crazy.
I mailed him a very nice letter, saying that It is too hard for me to be his friend, and if he thinks that there is a chance with us, we should talk, otherwise I need to move on. It basically was a "closure" letter. I thought it might help me move on. I got a text from him when he got the letter, he said it was very nice, thank you, and we would talk later, because he had just flown back into town and was tired.
That was a week ago and I haven't heard from him. Was sending the letter the wrong thing to do? What should my action plan be now?I know that I shouldn't seem too desperate (I don't think the letter came across that way). Also, his birthday is in three days, I was wondering if I should send a happy birthday text or ignore it?
Any advise is appreciated. Thank you.
-A
A,
Sending the letter really wasn't the wrong thing to do if you actually meant it. He knows you well and if he thinks that you didn't mean it then most likely he will just brush it off and continue like the letter wasn't sent. The next plan of action is to actually follow up on what the letter said and not talk to him. By talking to him you are hurting yourself because you aren't letting yourself let go of the idea of you and him together again and you are not giving other guys you meet or will meet a chance because of that little seed in the back of your mind that you still may get back together with this guy.
That letter was a good start but now it's time to follow up on what you said. If he truly wants to get with you again then he will start making an effort and the only way that is going to happen is if you really truly do start to move on. It's basically the the cat string theory but in this case you need to try to move on for real. If you start to move on and that reignites his interest then all is well but if you start to move on and he sees that and does nothing then moving on should be the best decision.
No one should date someone who wouldn't fight for them and fight to have them and keep them. That is how the boring and monotonous relationships are and those are the relationships that lose the spark. The letter has been sent and he has it now, so the ball is in his court. You should really try to move on just because it has been so long and it would be good for you. While doing that, if he feels the same way about you, then that should light a fire underneath his butt. If he doesn't then at least you found out and you shouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't giving as much as you. Remember, relationships are not 50/50, they are 100/100. Never settle for anything less.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Just Friends?
Hey-
There is a guy I have been talking to, hanging out with a bit- nothing major tho- that I know is into me. Without getting into too much detail, we were talking and he mentioned that he is going to his good friend from the city he lives in's summer family home for the weekend. This friend is a girl, who he also mentioned the friend does not know if her family will think she's weird for bringing a guy on the family weekend at the summer house visit. My thoughts 1. why is he telling me this? I really don't want to know. 2. if up to most girls, they would pick just fam over fam plus 1 'good' guy friend- unless they wanted to hook up with them. Which just brings me back to #1. Is he just stupid or trying to make me jealous? I really don't get it and its a huge turn off to talking to him further! Please guy decode this!
Hey,
There are a couple explanations for this depending on the type of guy he is. If there was anything going on between him and the girl then any smart guy wouldn't bring it up. The fact that he told you it was a girl could be construed as that it is just a friend. Guys and girls can be just friends, I have girlfriends that I go away with and visit where everything is strictly platonic.
You said there is nothing major going on between you two. I am willing to say that there may be something going on between him and her just for the mere fact that u and him are not committed yet and him describing her as his 'good friend' is his way of making you think there is nothing going on so he still has a chance with you when he gets back. I wish I knew more about the situation so I could answer more directly but this is a very vague situation and it could be either completely platonic or it could be him trying to cover his tracks using the 'friend' card.
There is a guy I have been talking to, hanging out with a bit- nothing major tho- that I know is into me. Without getting into too much detail, we were talking and he mentioned that he is going to his good friend from the city he lives in's summer family home for the weekend. This friend is a girl, who he also mentioned the friend does not know if her family will think she's weird for bringing a guy on the family weekend at the summer house visit. My thoughts 1. why is he telling me this? I really don't want to know. 2. if up to most girls, they would pick just fam over fam plus 1 'good' guy friend- unless they wanted to hook up with them. Which just brings me back to #1. Is he just stupid or trying to make me jealous? I really don't get it and its a huge turn off to talking to him further! Please guy decode this!
Hey,
There are a couple explanations for this depending on the type of guy he is. If there was anything going on between him and the girl then any smart guy wouldn't bring it up. The fact that he told you it was a girl could be construed as that it is just a friend. Guys and girls can be just friends, I have girlfriends that I go away with and visit where everything is strictly platonic.
You said there is nothing major going on between you two. I am willing to say that there may be something going on between him and her just for the mere fact that u and him are not committed yet and him describing her as his 'good friend' is his way of making you think there is nothing going on so he still has a chance with you when he gets back. I wish I knew more about the situation so I could answer more directly but this is a very vague situation and it could be either completely platonic or it could be him trying to cover his tracks using the 'friend' card.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Don't Hold Back
Mason,
I met B a little over a year ago. I approached him at a bar asking if he could show me "The Worm" (the dance on the floor). Anyways, that started our talking at the bar and he sat next to me the rest of the night until his ride was leaving. We went out the next night and thus started our "relationship" if you can call it that. He lived in a different city from, about an 1.5 hour drive. He had family and friends in my city so I would see him about once a month, and we would talk/text everyday. A couple of months after meeting I took a job in his city, NOT for him. I had graduated college some months earlier and this was the only job I could find, so I moved and took the job. After I moved I thought things between us would get more serious. We see each other more and more. And by that I mean, maybe once a week or once every other week. He's in the military and very focused on his job and securing a life for himself. His childhood was fully of anxiety from never knowing if his home would have electricity, running water, the things we take for granted. So I understand and respect that he works really hard. He got a second job to help pay for his "toys." He rides motorcycles. Anyways, about 4 months ago while he was visiting his dad and brother out of state he sends me texts telling me he wants us to get married and move to be closer to his dad and brother. I joke and respond with someone along the lines of how cute we would be with our 2 little dogs as kids. He said we would have kids later on, which to me was a huge turnaround from when we first met. He was adament about having a vesectomy because he didn't want to put kids through what he went through as a kid. ANd every once in a while he'll send me a text saying how good of a wife I will be and how cute our kids will be.
However, he's never asked me to be his girlfriend, and we don't talk about what we are. Part of it could be my fear of rejection from him, or my utter lack of wanting to talk about my feelings. I don't even talk about my feelings with my best friends. I'm just not a feeling talking kind of girl. But I know that I love him and am continuously increasing my feelings each time we're together.
So I guess what I'm trying to figure out if my being patient with him is a good thing, or if I'm just wasting my time thinking that if I continue being patient we will continue being us in hopes of one day being with him fully. It's one of those things where I can see us just skipping the natural process of relationships, ie being girlfriend/boyfriend and go straight to be engaged or married. But sometimes I wonder maybe I should just suck it up and sit down with him and ask him where this is going.
Ugh, I dunno. What do you think?
-M
M,
In my experience, military guys tend to want to move a lot quicker than the average Joe. They want to start a life right away and start a family to be able to have that something to fight for back at home when they are deployed. With my friends in the military, they are/were looking for wives, not flings, not girlfriends, not booty calls. They are looking to settle down.
It sounds like your man is saying these things to you to gauge your reactions to them. I don't know why the sudden change from wanting a vasectomy to wanting kids but I can only guess that it has to do with you. That he thinks you and him can raise kids successfully together.
If your man is already talking about kids then it may be a bad thing that you are being patient with expressing your feelings. All guys express their emotions differently and if he is expressing his emotions by saying he wants to get married and you don't reciprocate those emotions then he may just see that as rejection. You should tell him how you feel and it should assure him that it's ok to feel that way as well. If he wants to get married and have kids with you then he has already expressed his emotions.
You need to tell him how you feel and if you don't think he'll grab the reigns and take control and make you his girlfriend then you need to do that. Let him know you love him and want to be with him and then ask him what he thinks. Once you guys start verbally expressing your emotions for each other then it only gets easier and easier and makes you grow closer.
Never hold anything back, you feel things for a reason. Trust yourself and your feelings and never be embarrassed or ashamed to express your emotions.
I met B a little over a year ago. I approached him at a bar asking if he could show me "The Worm" (the dance on the floor). Anyways, that started our talking at the bar and he sat next to me the rest of the night until his ride was leaving. We went out the next night and thus started our "relationship" if you can call it that. He lived in a different city from, about an 1.5 hour drive. He had family and friends in my city so I would see him about once a month, and we would talk/text everyday. A couple of months after meeting I took a job in his city, NOT for him. I had graduated college some months earlier and this was the only job I could find, so I moved and took the job. After I moved I thought things between us would get more serious. We see each other more and more. And by that I mean, maybe once a week or once every other week. He's in the military and very focused on his job and securing a life for himself. His childhood was fully of anxiety from never knowing if his home would have electricity, running water, the things we take for granted. So I understand and respect that he works really hard. He got a second job to help pay for his "toys." He rides motorcycles. Anyways, about 4 months ago while he was visiting his dad and brother out of state he sends me texts telling me he wants us to get married and move to be closer to his dad and brother. I joke and respond with someone along the lines of how cute we would be with our 2 little dogs as kids. He said we would have kids later on, which to me was a huge turnaround from when we first met. He was adament about having a vesectomy because he didn't want to put kids through what he went through as a kid. ANd every once in a while he'll send me a text saying how good of a wife I will be and how cute our kids will be.
However, he's never asked me to be his girlfriend, and we don't talk about what we are. Part of it could be my fear of rejection from him, or my utter lack of wanting to talk about my feelings. I don't even talk about my feelings with my best friends. I'm just not a feeling talking kind of girl. But I know that I love him and am continuously increasing my feelings each time we're together.
So I guess what I'm trying to figure out if my being patient with him is a good thing, or if I'm just wasting my time thinking that if I continue being patient we will continue being us in hopes of one day being with him fully. It's one of those things where I can see us just skipping the natural process of relationships, ie being girlfriend/boyfriend and go straight to be engaged or married. But sometimes I wonder maybe I should just suck it up and sit down with him and ask him where this is going.
Ugh, I dunno. What do you think?
-M
M,
In my experience, military guys tend to want to move a lot quicker than the average Joe. They want to start a life right away and start a family to be able to have that something to fight for back at home when they are deployed. With my friends in the military, they are/were looking for wives, not flings, not girlfriends, not booty calls. They are looking to settle down.
It sounds like your man is saying these things to you to gauge your reactions to them. I don't know why the sudden change from wanting a vasectomy to wanting kids but I can only guess that it has to do with you. That he thinks you and him can raise kids successfully together.
If your man is already talking about kids then it may be a bad thing that you are being patient with expressing your feelings. All guys express their emotions differently and if he is expressing his emotions by saying he wants to get married and you don't reciprocate those emotions then he may just see that as rejection. You should tell him how you feel and it should assure him that it's ok to feel that way as well. If he wants to get married and have kids with you then he has already expressed his emotions.
You need to tell him how you feel and if you don't think he'll grab the reigns and take control and make you his girlfriend then you need to do that. Let him know you love him and want to be with him and then ask him what he thinks. Once you guys start verbally expressing your emotions for each other then it only gets easier and easier and makes you grow closer.
Never hold anything back, you feel things for a reason. Trust yourself and your feelings and never be embarrassed or ashamed to express your emotions.
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