Breaching Comfort Levels

Dear Mason,

I fell for a guy at work. Even though he was in another city, we became good friends over the phone. He moved to where I stay in January and we started working in the same department.

We started talking almost daily. He used to call me every night, he took me to select a house for him too!

I finally confessed that I loved him and after a long silence of 10 days, he came back to me and said that he really likes me too but is not sure if he loves me. He said he needs some time to figure it out and that we should try seeing each other meantime.

We started going out and I was so happy!! I was very emotionally involved but he wasn't so emotionally involved. He would be great over sms or telephone but very aloof when we were together in person

However, just after three weeks, he said that he does not think it would work out! His reasons were that he doesn't think he cares for me too much and that he will never change as a person. He also said that the problem lies with him and not with me! I think these are just evasive tactics and that he simply didn't like me.

What I cant understand is how he could dump me in 3 weeks??

We were best friends before but now have completely stopped talking to each other. I dont know what to do now and how to handle this situation.

Most of all, I need answers to why he dumped me and what was so bad!

Please help! I have to see him everyday and it kills me

- Fat, Lonely and Sad


Lonely and Sad,

Something like this just happened to a friend of mine about a month ago and I warned him about it and I was right in the end. He met a girl and she lives in a different city and after they met they had an amazing phone relationship. That's all it was in the beginning. Texting every day and a 2 hour long phone conversation about once a week. He was telling me how into her he was after all this talking but then I reminded him about how he only met her in person once. I told him not to get his hopes up because once he builds too much attraction before seeing her again then he will be let down once they do get together. After they did hang out he was disappointed and didn't know why.

This happened because there was too much attraction generated and when he hung out with her he was let down because he didn't feel the same way hanging out with her as he did when he was talking on the phone with her. He hung out with her a couple more times but was distant the entire time and eventually just stopped talking to her. Emotional and physical attraction didn't develop together so when he went out with her again his physical attraction to her didn't match his emotional attraction so things were awkward and didn't feel right to him which led him to slowly stop talking to her.

Guys need to be physically and emotionally attracted to a female in order for things to escalate.

For your guy it sounds like it was too much too fast for him. It will completely scare a guy off if you express too much interest and attraction if he isn't sharing those feelings with you. It sounds like he just isn't that into you. After you confessed your love to him then it will be hard for him to be friends with you after that because it's always hard to try to be JUST friends with someone who you know if in love with you. Any chance of a relationship here seems doomed. You scared him off too early. He is probably thinking that the only relationship you want with him is an intimate one. If you like him as a person then approach him and let him know you are interested in being just friends. Let him know that you miss his friend ship and want it back and see how he reacts. Address the issue that you moved too fast and then the rest is up to him and his comfort levels.

After you breach someone's comfort levels it's hard to get back to that place you were before. Identify someone's comfort levels and you will never have a problem with moving too fast.

Breakup And Detach

(2:14:41 PM) KB: dude
(2:14:58 PM) KB: wats up
(2:15:00 PM) Mason Stanley: nuthin
(2:15:03 PM) Mason Stanley: how u doin>
(2:15:12 PM) KB: heart broken
(2:15:18 PM) KB: over this ex gf
(2:15:40 PM) KB: i cant stop thinking about her doing it w guys
(2:15:45 PM) Mason Stanley: oh
(2:15:50 PM) Mason Stanley: wasnt that a while ago?
(2:15:57 PM) KB: ya but now shes doing guys
(2:16:12 PM) Mason Stanley: thats what is gunna happen when 2 people break up
(2:16:17 PM) Mason Stanley: they eventually move on
(2:16:20 PM) Mason Stanley: and do other people
(2:16:25 PM) KB: yup
(2:16:29 PM) KB: so what doo i do
(2:16:36 PM) KB: i do it w other people
(2:16:41 PM) KB: but that doesnt help
(2:23:31 PM) Mason Stanley: you cant do it to get back
(2:23:41 PM) Mason Stanley: you just need to move on
(2:23:54 PM) Mason Stanley: lose her number
(2:23:58 PM) Mason Stanley: rid her from ur life
(2:24:10 PM) Mason Stanley: get rid of EVERYTHING that is hers or reminds you of her
(2:24:19 PM) Mason Stanley: delete emails, texts, phone numbers and all that stuff
(2:24:29 PM) KB: o man its rough
(2:24:47 PM) KB: i dont want to b w her but my mind is fooling me into thinking i want to b
(2:24:57 PM) Mason Stanley: its not supposed to be easy
(2:25:32 PM) Mason Stanley: you have do embrace being single, stop lookling tio eff people to get back at her cause thats a black hole you dont wanna enter
(2:26:22 PM) KB: i feel like an asshole jock
(2:26:36 PM) KB: who doesnt want his woman being w anyone else
(2:27:00 PM) KB: and its making me crazy
(2:27:28 PM) Mason Stanley: hahah
(2:27:34 PM) Mason Stanley: ur letting it get to you
(2:27:40 PM) KB: yes definately
(2:27:45 PM) Mason Stanley: you cant
(2:27:46 PM) KB: and i dont usually care at all
(2:27:56 PM) Mason Stanley: u have to ignore it
(2:27:59 PM) Mason Stanley: not think about it
(2:28:04 PM) KB: how
(2:28:07 PM) Mason Stanley: instead of focusing on that
(2:28:10 PM) Mason Stanley: focus on good stuff
(2:28:16 PM) Mason Stanley: you surround yourself with positive people
(2:28:20 PM) Mason Stanley: and do stuff
(2:28:27 PM) KB: true
(2:28:41 PM) KB: but i have a sidekick
(2:28:49 PM) KB: and i text her and shot
(2:28:51 PM) KB: shiot
(2:28:54 PM) Mason Stanley: you cant do that
(2:28:57 PM) Mason Stanley: delete her number
(2:29:02 PM) Mason Stanley: talking to her is a very bad thing to do
(2:29:16 PM) KB: fuck
(2:29:30 PM) KB: its really crazy cuz im usually the last guy who would vare
(2:29:33 PM) KB: care
(2:31:01 PM) KB: good advice
(2:31:07 PM) KB: should i drink
(2:31:17 PM) KB: cuz that makes my irish blood get sad
(2:34:53 PM) KB: and boil
(2:36:16 PM) Mason Stanley: no drinking
(2:36:27 PM) Mason Stanley: well drinking is ok but not alone and not because ur in a bad mood
(2:36:32 PM) Mason Stanley: only for happy times
(2:36:36 PM) Mason Stanley: with positive people
(2:40:43 PM) KB: im going gay
(2:45:02 PM) Mason Stanley: hahaha
(2:46:41 PM) KB: dudes are alot easier
(2:46:43 PM) KB: beer?
(2:46:46 PM) KB: bj?
(2:48:59 PM) Mason Stanley: they are happy
(2:49:01 PM) Mason Stanley: done and done
(3:26:44 PM) KB: good advice
(3:26:50 PM) KB: no more facebook
(3:26:54 PM) Mason Stanley: delete her
(3:26:58 PM) Mason Stanley: from myspaace
(3:27:00 PM) Mason Stanley: facebook
(3:27:01 PM) Mason Stanley: phone
(3:27:08 PM) Mason Stanley: cause if you dont then u will just wanna know
(3:27:11 PM) Mason Stanley: and you will get curious
(3:27:15 PM) Mason Stanley: and it will be too easy
(3:27:17 PM) KB: exactly
(3:27:21 PM) Mason Stanley: and then you will get down on urself
(3:27:50 PM) KB: Thanks for the advice man, i'll let you know how everything works out.

Mason's Rant

I kind of went on a rant on another posting. There is some stuff in there that should be here.

Enjoy

Grateful Is Good

If You Love Someone, Let Them Go

Dear Mason,

I am a 19 year old female who has been in a serious relationship for almost 2 years now. Give our age difference (he's 30), he's been one of the most wonderful guys i've ever dated. But starting at the beiginning of this year, I started to question things. Wondering if i'm ready for a commitment or if i want to "act my age" and date different people or just have to option of being by myself. I don't know what brought on these inner thoughts of mine, but they've been haunting me since. I've told him how I felt, however, but i'm still not sure of what I want. Given some background information, I haven't been the most faithful partner (that which he knows of too) yet he is wililng to wait for me and work things out. But agian, i'm not sure if that's what i want. Not sure of much at all. I do have a few guy friends that i've been hanging out with since our current break, which also makes me feel slightly guilty but at the same time i'm having fun. And also, i'm not sure if i'm being very fair about the situation seeing as he is not wanting to go out and meet people and i am. It almost feels like i'm using him. But i'm not sure if i want to break up with him completely. Sometimes i think it would be best though. Any tips/advice would be greatly appreciated on how to handle this situation.

Thank you

sophia


Dear Sophia,

You are young, these thoughts are VERY normal. On one hand you really like this guy and don't want to leave him but on the other hand you are thinking that you are giving up your youth for this relationship. The guy sounds like he understands as well. He knows what it's like to be your age and want to explore and see if there is anything out there because u feel stuck right now. This guy sounds like a keeper and wants to make you comfortable with your decision to stay with him so you don't have regrets later on.

Just because you have your space from him and you're hanging out with guys and 'acting your age' that doesn't mean you have to be unfaithful too. You shouldn't settle for being with someone you aren't head over heels for. You need to imagine 2 different realities here. Imagine your life if you ended it with him today and then imagine if you stuck with him. Which one do you like best? Which one can you see yourself doing? It sounds like you are scared to make a commitment right now because of your age but I think that if you did end it and go explore and 'act your age' then you would go right back to being with him after you saw the way guys your age can act in a relationship.

Take the break as a chance to have fun and hang out with boys, you can do that and still be faithful and not feel guilty about it. It's your chance to act your age and you can still be with your guy and live happily ever after. Your guy sounds like a keeper. He is living by the old saying, "If you love someone, let them go and if they come back to you then they are yours."

Embarassed By Bad Sex

Dear Mason,

I met this guy through some mutual friends. Him and I started hanging out after meeting a few times. It was a lot of fun, he would take me out and show me a good time and we always got along really well. We had a lot in common and meshed really well. He was really shy when we first started hanging out but after getting to know him, he is one of the biggest sweethearts I have ever met. We had kissed and fooled around a little bit but still hadn't had sex. We had the opportunity to have sex many times but it just never seemed right. One day, during one of our hot make out sessions, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex and before I knew it was over. It wasn't the best but I still think this guy is great and want to give him another chance. He left a little bit after that because he had work in the morning. Ever since that night he has been super distant with me. Normally he would send me a text in the morning to say "Good Morning!" and we would talk throughout the day but now it's not like that. He hasn't initiated conversation at all. I don't want to think that he would just want to get in my pants, I thought he was different. I just don't get it. HELP!


-Not Another Girl


Not Another Girl,

Normally I would say that this is the classic case of hump 'em and dump 'em but there were some elements that make me think otherwise. First of all, hump 'em and dump 'em normally lasts 2 dates max, this guy sounded like he put in time and you guys were actually clicking. Another thing, you guys fooled around a few times and it didn't lead to sex. If he was all about just trying to get in your pants then he wouldn't JUST fool around. He would try for more each time and eventually give up and stop calling. That is ONLY if he was trying to get in your pants but this seems different. If a guy is content with where a relationship is in the beginning with no sex involved then it means he actually really likes you. Of course sex is important but it's not the most important.

This sounds like the guy was having second thoughts about his performance. This has happened to all guys before. Your soldier salutes to soon and you're left trying to make excuses. A guys performance means a lot to him and if he didn't think he gave it his all then he will be hesitant to ask for an encore. If you didn't think it was good then the guy probably knows it and is completely embarrassed he blew his one shot. (no pun intended)

It sounds like the guy is into you from what you told me about you guys having fun and connecting together so don't let 1 bad sexual episode get in the middle of it. You need to initiate conversation with him and bring up the sex. Don't be mean and don't say it was bad. Casual is the best way to bring it up. Yes, this has happened to me before many years ago when I was just a shy guy and not very good with girls. I avoided the girl like the plague until she approached me and the subject at the same time. She was completely forward about it and told me she had a great time that night and we should do it again real soon. Looking back, now I know that she wasn't telling the truth but it helped my confidence so much and I went back to how I was with her before. I ended up dating her for 2 years.

No guy puts in more than 3 dates and countless make out sessions to sleep with a girl and not call her again.