Too Soon?

Hey Mason,

My name is joss I find myself in a very awkward situation and I need
advice . I recently started tlkn to this guy that I wrk with we've gone
in one date nd out to lunch . This past sat I invited him to go with me
to an 18th bday party nd after that we went back to his place and ended
up sleeping with him . I knw it was too soon but now I feel like he's
going to lose interest in me or not like me anymore. He just got out
of a long term relationship nd told me he doesn't want anything
serious but I feel that maybe along the line we could work something out
, but now that I slept with him I dnt knw if he's going to want to.
What do you think?!

-j

j,

I see what you are getting at but just because you sleep with someone doesnt mean that they are going to lose interest. Most of the time, sex will build attraction. You have already hung out with him before you slept with him, you have gone on dates. It doesn't sound like a 1 night stand. Heck, even some 1 night stands turn into relationships.

I don't like to tell people to put a time limit or what not on how long they have to wait to have sex with someone. I think little unspoken rules like that are stupid. It is a firm belief of mine that you should do what you feel! If it feels right then go for it, never do anything you think you may regret. If you regret something then just remember at one point it was exactly what you wanted.

Don't think that sleeping with someone too soon is a bad thing because sometimes "too soon" is not too soon at all. If it feels right do it, never regret anything but take responsibility for your actions. Sometimes people have such a strong connection when they first meet that they end up sleeping with each other the first night and it progresses from there. Majority of guys are not assholes, majority of guys won't sleep with someone they have already gone on dates with and then just not call them.

Get out of the "Too Soon" frame of mind because at one point it was exactly what you wanted. Go with it and see what happens, if you guys end up being anything then at least you can say you tried.

Confidence Demands Attention

Mason,

I am a 30 year old married woman. I have been married for 10 wonderful years. Every year gets better and better with my husband. My question isn't about my husband, it's about myself and about men my age. My husband is 20+ years older than me. He tells me I'm beautiful every day and loves me unconditionally.

Yet, I am still a little insecure. It seems as though men my age or younger never look at me, I am totally off their radar. I have decided to go back to school and am now in a junior college filled will younger people than myself. I have tried to see if it's because of my shyness. For several days I made more eye contact and smiled more and I have tried to initiate small talk, in a non-flirtatious ways. I feel as though I am approachable, but I am usually pretty quiet and look down most of the time. I'm not interested in other men romantically, so is that it? If I'm off the market am I no longer attractive?

I feel embarrassed even asking the question. But I really wonder why. Am I unapproachable? Is there something wrong with me that makes me unattractive. I watch my weight, I wear nice clothes, I wear deodorant, I brush my teeth and my hair and I don't wear too much make-up, I don't soak in perfume. I would say that I have a classic hourglass body shape, a small belly, but I'm not fat by any means.

Older men have no problem in telling me that I am pretty or attractive or just simply looking. But men my age and younger don't seem to look twice unless they are somewhat mental. Why is this? I've always wanted to know, and it's been like this since I was sixteen.

Here are a few pictures, I would appreciate it if you would not post them on your blog, but please use them as reference to answer my question. I would also appreciate an honest answer, if I'm just not attractive to younger men please say so. Maybe it's because older men have lower standards (that's the only thing that I can think of).

C


C,

Let me start off by saying, after hearing what you said and looking at the pictures, there is no reason that men shouldn't find you attractive. This is coming from a 23 year old bachelor. That is not to say that just because a man finds you attractive it doesn't mean he will broadcast the fact.

I have noticed, more than ever now, things are changing and younger guys aren't blatantly complimenting or expressing interest in women that they know things aren't going to go nowhere with. I find many older women attractive but I don't stare, compliment or even press the issue. I take it for what it is and move on. Another thing I have noticed myself doing after reading your email was when I did see the attractive older women and then saw the ring they were wearing I would just turn off to them. This is strictly because I am a student of the "There are plenty of fish in the sea" theory and if 1 attractive woman is taken then there are 4 more behind her that are single.

Another thing I have noticed is that the classic beauties are having to compete with a lot of the fakeness that I see daily. I am talking about the fake blonde hair, fake boobs, makeup and push up bras. These are the girls who demand attention and by all means they get it even though I completely disagree with it.

Men mature at a later stage than women and the straight answer I can give is that the younger men aren't mature or confident enough to notice beauty and compliment on it without it being an issue. It does take a confident man to look at a woman and say, "You are very beautiful" A lot of younger guys will not even think about giving this compliment to a woman they do not know.

Do not let the lack of overly forward compliments from young men distress you or break your confidence. If you want to be sexy then it isn't completely based on your physical appearance. Confidence is one of the sexiest traits a girl can have. Yes, you can quote me, confidence is sexy. I can sniff out confidence a mile away and I have met many good looking girls who become unattractive to me because of their lack of confidence.

In closing, just because a guy doesn't look at you or compliment you, doesn't mean he didn't see you or thinks you're attractive. Keep your confidence, know you are beautiful and you will see other people will follow in suit. Confidence draws attention and demands it.

Holding Back?

Dear Mason,
I recently ended things with an ex due to his priorities being out of place, however we ended on good terms. We agreed to continue being friends, and we see eachother now and then. It has been 2 months since the break up. I put myself back out there,not looking for a relationship...just to have fun. Considering I am young, and I decided to see if there really was "more fish in the sea". I was proven right. Since then, I have had 7 guys be interested in me, and 3 others whom I am just getting to know. That being said, NONE of them interest me. They dont phase me. I still have very strong feelings for my ex, and really want to get back together. From time to time I think he wants the same thing. Others have told me I should tell him, but at the same time, I'm scared its too soon and he'll feel like I'm holding him back? Should I wait, or just go for the damn thing?

Thanks!
M

M,

When you spend so much time with the same person then that person grows on you. Yes, you are going on dates. Yes, other guys are interested. Yes, more guys will continue to be interested but what you are feeling is completely normal. Even if the relationship didn't end on good terms I'm pretty sure these feelings would still be there.

I guarantee he is feeling the same way whether he has said it or not. When 2 people share a relationship and that much time together then it is only natural to feel attached to that person like you right now.

The best way to approach anything is with honesty. Dating and relationships is no difference. (It took me way too long to figure that one out.) BE HONEST! If you feel something then embrace it, if you have feelings then share them, and never hold anything back. Four years from now do you want to be looking back and asking yourself, "What if?". You will never know what will happen until you throw yourself out there. Yes, it is a scary thing to do but you only live once. Never hold anything back and always embrace your feelings and be honest with them.

I say do it. If he doesn't feel the same way then it is better to know now then to be questioning it for the next 6 months. If he does feel the same way then more power to the both of you and everyone is happy!

Next Step Is A Stand Still?

Dearest Mason:

After being intimate with the same guy for seven months, I decided that it was time for the two of us to define what was going on between us. I’m the same confused girl from “Can We Make It More Obvious” and “Booty Calls: Not Just For 1 Night Stands,” and I became fed up with the lack of definition in our relationship. I sat him down a couple days ago and told him that it was necessary for us to decide what was going on between the two of us. I either wanted us to be exclusive, or we needed to stop hooking up. He told me that he didn’t think the two of us would be good as a couple, because I was too young, he was leaving to the Air Force in less than a year, he didn’t trust me to be exclusive and that we had underlying issues which would only be further agitated if we dated. I told him that was fine, and that I understood his points, but that I couldn’t be friends with him anymore because I couldn’t possibly separate my non-friendly feelings for him and my friendly feelings for him. He asked me for a hug before I left, and we said we’d miss each other. Right after I left, I received a text message from him asking me not to ignore him. I received another text message and he informed me of some inconsequential person arriving to a party he was at. The next day he sent me another text message asking me how I was doing, and later that night he sent that another text wishing me a good night. Then, he sent me another text message the day after informing me of some other inconsequential event. I don’t understand why he continues to contact me, and he continues to completely disregard my feelings. What’s going on and why does he keep doing this?!

M,

Ahhh, yes. This is a very common situation people get in and as a guy I have been in this as well. To put it simply, it sounds like the guy enjoys hanging out with you, hooking up with you and being with you but just doesn't want a relationship. He is perfectly content keeping the relationship you have with him where it is and not a step further.

Most guys will fill a girl's head with thoughts of relationships and wedding bells to keep a relationship moving, not moving forward, just moving. He doesn't want to move forward with a relationship and he doesn't want to be disconnected from you completely. It sounds like he is just ignoring what you are saying on purpose.

When I used to get in the same situation you are in, I would make excuses as to why a relationship wasn't a good idea. Sometimes I just ignored the topic all together. This will only lead to negativity when the girl wants a relationship and the guy is happy where he is because the girl starts to feel like her needs aren't being met when the guy is perfectly content. That is not a relationship, a relationship is not 50/50 anymore, it's 100/100.

After dealing with that situation a few times I found out how to deal with it with a way that works. Ready for it? HONESTY!!!! I found that when I was honest about what I wanted and how I felt, when I didn't fill girls' heads with ideas of relationships to get what I want then the type of relationship I have with these girls becomes more symbiotic. Unfortunately most guys still do the lying and the excuses because they don't say what they think or feel, they say what they think the girl wants to hear and most of the time they don't mean it. Now when the relationship talk comes up I have the same response every time, "I like how we are now. I have fun, you have fun, we have fun together. I don't want a relationship right now but I do enjoy hanging out with you and I think that keeping things the way they are would be just as fun." It's 50/50 with that but me being optimistic says that the 50% of girls that don't want to keep things the way they are end up being not for me anyways.

Oh sheesh, I hope I answered that question, I kind of went off on a tangent.

Stalk Much

Dear Mason,

I dated the guy for a few months. We were close, he dropped I Love You alot. I haven't been divorced for that long, so I wasn't ready for all that. I tried to communicate that I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. He didn't get it. It was finally just TOO much and I broke up with him completely. I was nice, I did it in person, I let him cry it out....I thought we'd move on. A week later he calls saying "I don't accept the break up, you're still my girlfriend". WTF. NO. A week goes by, more calls and texts to me, his girlfriend. I finally emailed, thinking if i put it in writing he'd get it, that we are NO LONGER DATING. sigh. Maybe I choose poorly but why don't guys just go away when you tell them to?

-P

P,

Wow, that sounds intense. First of all not ALL guys are like this. This guy just sounds like a VERY insecure guy. He most likely thinks that you are the best he can get or will ever have an doesn't want to let you go. You just need to ignore him and let him take a hint. No matter how he tries to contact you, just don't respond. You don't want him thinking that a response means you still care or that you are willing to work things out. The only way he is going to go away is if he forgets about you and to make that happen you need to ignore, ignore ignore.

You can see that you just got over it and no longer want to be with him and are no longer attracted to him in that way. Guys, on the other hand, see things differently. It takes a lot longer for a guy to lose that same attraction for a girl. It reminds me of lyrics from a 50 cent song, "I know if I can hit once, I can hit twice." (Wow, how low have I gone. I just quoted 50 cent.) This is the majority of mentality out of guys. If you hook up with a guy once then he will not understand why you won't do it again in the future. This sounds like your situation to the degree that your old boy can't figure out how you are not attracted to him. "If she was attracted to me before then she can be attracted to me again." It's a glass half full mentality. No guy ever wants to think of it as rejection and he will keep on thinking this and contacting you until he forgets about you or finds someone else.

Passive Or Aggressive

Hi Mason,

I've been divorced for almost three years and, within the past year, have actually had a bit of luck with online dating. I dated a few guys initially, then dated one guy steadily for about 6 months. I've learned the art of keeping my photo current and keeping those emails short and interesting, and guys almost always write back.

However, one problem that keeps happening repeatedly is this: A guy and I will email for a week or two (or three), he likes my photo, and everything seems fine, but the guy won't ask me out. If after a few emails the guy says he's into, say, surfing, I'd email him back and gently suggest an idea or two based on our emails, like, "Hey, I know you like to surf at Hermosa. Have you ever been to [insert name], that cool coffee bar by the beach? I hear it has a great view." He'll either say yes, I've heard of it, or no, I don't know about it, then never bring it up again.

BUT, the guy will keep on emailing, with the same tone, and with the same congeniality he had shown on the first email.... What's that about??

If a guy isn't into me, I can live with that -- let's move on and try again with someone else. But if a guy keeps emailing yet not making a move to get my number or meet up after I've spelled out I'm interested and even suggested places, then I don't get it.

Do you have any insight into this?

Signed,
Ms. V

Ms. V,

There are a couple reasons for this. Lets look at all of them.

Some of the guys on these online dating sites are NOT looking to hook up or date or what not. Some of them are perfectly fine with having an online pen pal and that is it. They enjoy the anonymity of being behind a computer and keyboard. They enjoy the reciprocation of conversation from the other side of the keyboard from someone they can believe is attracted to them who they don't need to meet because in their heads, a meeting will lead to rejection. This is why when you blatantly throw hints of interest and insinuate a meet they act like they don't know and continue with conversations.

On the other hand, some guys just don't get the blatantly obvious signs of attraction. Sometimes you have to grab the reigns and take charge and be the aggressor. If you see something you want then take charge and make it happen instead of dropping hints and waiting for a passive guy to ask you out or ask you for your number. Some guys just won't man up and take that step for fear of rejection.

Bottom line is, some guys aren't as aggressive as others. Sometimes a woman needs to take control and initiate something. If you feel like you are getting the run around then grab the bull by its horns and initiate something. Be the aggressor and you will start to see that the passive guys will just go away if they have no intentions of actually meeting you in person.

Numbers

Hey Mr. Mason Stanley,

Been reading your blog for a bit now and just curious what your opinion is on comparing 'numbers' with someone you are seeing. By numbers, I mean, the number of people you've slept with. I try to avoid it as long as possible, but sometimes when you see someone for awhile it does come up. If I straight out refuse to tell a number I think they assume it is very high(which it is) so I usually make up a much lower number. Making up a lower number is not usually a big deal, but what if I end up in a serious relationship with someone, end up getting married to him or something, do I then have to tell him the truth?
Example- I was with my last boyfriend for close to two years. In the beginning I knew he had only slept with 3 people before me, so I said my number was 8. I had to keep up with the lie for 2 years! Honestly, what would you think if you started dating a girl and her number was 10 times your number? I know what you are thinking, if you have to lie about something like that from the beginning maybe you shouldn't be with him, I've heard it many times from my girlfriends. If he really loved you he wouldn't care...blah blah blah. But most anyone I meet would care, and would judge me. That's just a fact.
The few times I have told the truth have not worked out very well for me. Guys are intimidated by my number. They start out saying it's no big deal, but as soon as things get sour it's the first thing they attack me with. I've had guys try to justify things they have done wrong in our relationship by using my past as an argument. Of course I quickly ditch them, but it just seems like everything was going so well until I fess up my number and everything falls apart.
I think part of my problem is that I am very outgoing and forward, but am attracted to the quiet, awkward, shy guys that usually have no game. It's kinda the opposites attract thing, I guess.

So...Do I keep lying or what?
Oh, and if you don't mind I'd love to read your opinion on a girl's number. How many is too many? etc.

G,

Ahhh, the numbers question, the question you ask when you want to see someone squirm or lie. Truth is, MOST people lie about their numbers and keep it up. I stay away from this question because I know the answer will be a lie and then it will get my wheels turning and it's something I don't want to think about. When I start getting serious with a girl, I don't ever like the number question. I feel the less I know about her dating past, the better for me. This is less for me to worry about, less for me to think about, and less to fight over. "Keep your history a mystery"

About lying to the numbers question, I would just avoid it all together. I think that is a stupid question and that it has no relevance to any relationship. I understand people want to know for health reasons but health concerns can be addressed in 1 test that any sexually active person should be getting at least every 6 months.

If you must say a number then I would be honest. If you aren't honest in the beginning then the past always has a habit of coming back to bite you in the butt.

Regarding a girls' number, I never ask. Of course every guy would want every girls number to be 0 but we don't live in that world. Most guys will think that any number above 10-15 would be too high but then again you have to take age into consideration. The older you get the higher your number will get as well.

The Boy Won't Talk

hi mason,

Here's my situation. My boyfriend and I recently broke up. We've known eachother for a while. About a year ago we got back together and it became a more serious relationship than it ever was before. Recently (about 3 weeks ago) he broke it off with me saying lately we've been more like best friends then a couple. He told me he loves me more than anything but he feels like he is missing out on something by having a girlfriend. I was crushed and angry and didn't talk to him for about a week before we went out and got coffee and just talked. I let him know i felt like he was lying and hiding something from me. He denies that but then again he won't tell me much more than what I just told you!
I feel like he's not telling me the whole truth because he doesn't want to hurt me. I don't know if it's another girl or if he needs his space or what. I feel so confused right now and cant get him off my mind because i don't know if he feels the way he says he does. My question is do you think his reasoning makes sense for why he broke up with me? Is it because he thought we were getting too serious and that scared him? Why would he break up with me if he claims to love me as much as he says?
I love him too and saw nothing wrong with our relationship which confuses me even more. He says he wants to stay best friends but i dont know how thats going to work! Why won't he be more open?!
One more question - If he comes back around and wants me back, would it be stupid of me for taking him back after all this? I feel like it would depend on the reason he broke up with me which i have no idea!

Any advice at all would be appreciated!!! thanks!


D,

It is very possible and highly probable that there is more that he isn't telling you. In my experience, it just sounds like he is exploring his options. Either way, you shouldn't be sitting around waiting for him regardless of his excuses.

Whether there is another girl or not, a guy that cares about you as much as you think he does would care enough about how you feel to explain everything to you. Leaving you in the dark is a cowardly way for him to go about his business. You need to take this time and not think about him. Get your mind off of him and find some distractions. Distractions should be your best friend right now. Go dancing with the girls, find a hobby, flirt with boys, whatever it is you need to not think about him.

The more you think about what he said and what he is not saying then the more distressed you will become and the more it will eat you up inside. I hate to say it but with the little information you were given you need to assume the worst and hope for the best.

If he does come back around, hopefully you won't be sitting there waiting. If he didn't give you too much information about why he was ending it then why would he give you information about what was going on when you were apart. It sucks to say but it is almost as if he is playing a game. You need to hop right on that train as well. You won't necessarily look stupid if you take him back but make sure you both are on the same page before you enter into anything with him again. It sounded like when he ended things you were on a separate page than him and that left you confused. It will take a lot of talking and communicating but that is what a relationship is all about.

As for now, live the single life, have fun, don't worry about what he did or what he says because actions speak louder than words and what he did should tell you all you need to know and remember, distractions, distractions, distractions.

Friends? Lovers? Friends That Love The Benefits

Ok.. so I have a "friend" that lives about an hour and 45 mins from me. I see him about 2x a month. We hang out and it's awesome. We just chill really well and it's never any pressure and the sex is SPECTACULAR. He has made recent comments about us living in marital bliss on the weekends. Kinda weird as he freaked out 5 months ago b/c he thought I wanted more than he was willing to give.... in boy terms, he wanted to make sure I didn't want a relationship. Which I'm fine with not having.. trust me. (well at least for right now. I'm sure, sometime in the future I'll want something) He just sent me a message tonight about us being lovers. I have always referred to him as my FWB (friend with benefits). Is there a difference here between FWB and a Lover?

Thanks,
MW

MW,

All guys are different, to a sensitive guy there would be a difference between friends with benefits and lovers. Then again, the sensitive guy wouldn't like the idea of friends with benefits and would want a relationship.

Personally I think there is no difference when I say friends with benefits and lover. Of course, I am not going to tell people about my new squeeze and refer to her as my lover but to the squeeze I wouldn't think it is a big deal at all to refer to her as my lover.

Confused yet? Good, lets keep going. I think you are looking too far into this and that he meant nothing by it. Both of you are having a good time and enjoying each others physical company and it sounds like the frame work is pretty much set on friends with benefits so when he refers to you as his lover it means nothing. It's not like he is running around telling all his friends that he is in love.

Bottom line, don't look too far into it. Sometimes guys say a lot of stupid stuff that girls misconstrue because guys think it's what a girl wants to hear and then in the end it just leaves the girl a confused mess. FWB is just that, friends, so have fun with it and don't look too far into anything he says, guys are one track thinkers and you will only confuse yourself trying to find meaning in a guys words.

Are You Interested?

Hi Mason,

What "signs" do guys give off regarding their level of interest? I, like many, seem unable to differentiate between friendly interest, a one-night stand interest, and a romantic interest. For instance, I was recently away from home on a business trip and only picked up that this guy was interested in more than just conversation when he invited me back up to his room. Do guys, in general, even begin conversations knowing what kind of interest they have, or is it developed through time?

Thanks!

L

L,

Wow, this is an awesome question. Lets see if I can answer the whole thing. There are different types of interest in different scenarios, at least for me it is that way. Type and levels of interest also are based hugely on the guy. You have your relationship type guys that see girls in terms of relationships. These guys will express their interest in more of an old fashion way. They will try to arrange a lot more one on one time, dates, movie nights, whatever it may be. He will also be into you which means he is interested in what you say, what you do, and just you as a person rather than just you physically. You can tell when a guy is truly interested in you when a lot of the one on one time happens before any sex. That's not to say there isn't any fooling around.

You then have the guys that are interested in girls and girls in general. Whether it be you or the next girl, they are interested in the physical and try to get to that part as soon as possible. These guys are capable of relationships and may try to slow things down for a girl they think they can be in a relationship with but the faster a guy tries to go for sex, the more you know it is strictly a physical thing. That isn't to say relationships haven't been built after sex started but that type of guy would shy away from a relationship because he already has what he wants.

I like to think of myself as the happy medium between the two. I am always meeting new girls and in the back of my head I am thinking relationship but when that dream dies then I can still have the girl around. Without lying or promising a relationship, we simply hang out and 'have fun'.

Some guys will start a conversation with one thing on their mind and they know exactly what they want before they even talk to you. There is a saying, "Girls know if they can see themselves sleeping with a guy 3 minutes after talking to him for the first time. Guys know if they can see themselves sleeping with a girl 3 minutes before he talks to her for the first time." Bottom line, most guys are interested in sex but it's getting them interested in something more after the sex that requires the personality.

In general a guy beginning a conversation with a girl will be interested physically. If a guy starts a conversation with you and you say, "Lets go back to your place." 9 times out of 10 he will say yes. By beginning a conversation with a girl the guy is already expressing interest but by not actually knowing the girl he is only expressing his physical interest.

From there the type of interest will be developed based on the interaction that follows. As I always say, "It is the looks that will make me talk to a girl but it is her personality that will keep me interested."

Can We Make It More Obvious

Hey there Mason,


I’ve already sent you an email before inquiring about my situation (Booty Calls: Not Just For 1 Night Stands.) I have yet another dilemma, I decided that it would be a bad idea to date this guy, so the next time he asked me what was going on between us I told him that I had feelings for him and that I loved hanging out with him, but that I just didn’t think it would be a good idea to date him at the current time, and that sleeping with him just further confused me. He agreed and said he thought it would end badly if we dated, he liked the fact that we had no commitment, and that there was a large age difference (we’re five years apart.) As he was driving me home I told him that I didn’t want him to think that I was hurt or anything, and he said that I had made it pretty clear to him that I didn’t want a relationship with him, I retorted that I really could have gone either way, but that the points he had stated earlier that night were valid. Since then, things have progressed normally…he still contacts me daily asking how I’m doing, we still hang out, and we’re constantly with each other, and throughout everything he has consistently honored my request of no longer having sex anymore. My birthday came, and he took me to dinner and a concert in the city where he didn’t let me pay for anything, and he even bought me a tiara for my birthday. Later that night he wanted me to go to his house to hang out and watch a movie, but I headed home anyways…the next morning (which was my actual birthday) I received a vase filled with pink roses from him and a note wishing me a wonderful birthday. I’m not really sure what’s going on…does he have feelings for me and want something more…or is he just being friendly? I’m really confused…please help me!

-M

M,

Duhhhh!! Of course this guy has feelings for you. He has such feelings for you that he is honoring your request of not sleeping together! Most guys in this situation would honor the girls request by not talking to the girl anymore and moving on. I have done this a few time myself!

How do I put it into words that you can understand... It's basic guy thought, "It happened once, it can happen again." That is the normal thought process so he is sticking around waiting for something to reignite because it happened once so it can happen again. The guy is giving you your space in hopes you will think, "This guy is honoring my requests, he is so sweet, maybe he is a guy I can see myself dating."

Think of it as the classic, "I have a crush on my best friend" syndrome. That is how he is towards you. The guy is obviously romantically interested in you and is just respecting your wishes to not sleep together... for right now, because that's how he is thinking. If he thought there was no chance of anything ever then he would not be doing all this stuff for you.

Bottom line is the guy is interested, he has feelings for you, he wants to be with you, however you wanna say it. THE GUY HAS A THING FOR YOU!

Distract Yourself So He Doesn't

Dear Mason:

I need some good solid advice and a truthful point of view from a male who has been there (hopefully). So here it goes.

My boyfriend and I met our sophomore year of college and sparks flew for 3 years. Here we are now on a break. It was his idea because he thinks that at 22 years old we need to see what else is out there, experience life, be single for a while, feel free etc. He thinks it would be beneficial for both of us to go and see what else is out there now and he thinks this break is the best thing for both of us in the long run. I agree and I don't agree. I miss him INCREDIBLY, it takes up my entire mind no matter what I do to move on. I have even taken his words and applied them to my life and have gone out with 2 different guys, neither really did much for me, not because I was comparing them to him but there was just no or little connection on my part. This is hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I get panic attacks about him not coming back to me thinking if he ends things for good it will be the biggest mistake of his life and it will ruin mine because I believe we are meant for each other.

Anyways, I know he misses me and misses us because he told me. I haven't contacted him at all because I know it would be wrong to contact him. But he has emailed me and texted me a few times to see how I am doing and he has spoken to my friends to get advice on whether they think he did the wrong thing or not, so CLEARLY he is confused. I mean I know he is confused because his words are "I'm enjoying being single at the moment, I can see the allure in it but to make things complicated I miss us as a couple and I miss you."

Now I don't know what to do with myself. I am REALLY trying to move on without him (assuming he isn't going to come back). Oh and one more thing, he put a time frame on this. He wants to re-evaluate things in October to see where we are both at. I am not counting on anything and am really trying to forget about him but I still check his facebook, I look at old e-mails (he told me he does too) etc. So it's hard plus I am waiting to start my new job so I have a lot of down time so I think a lot.

Now from my perspective I don't think a serious relationship is what I need right now. I'm starting a new job, looking at grad schools (and we are both recent graduates so that adds to the mix of everything being new so maybe he thinks he needs to start fresh or something). But I do miss him in my life as my best friend, my boyfriend etc. I would be willing to take things slow with him (like not jump right back into a relationship but just go out and not have a set day to see each other every week, but just play it by ear, day by day kinda thing).

This is so incredibly hard for me. It feels like I am just stuck, waiting. But I really am trying to get on with my life while he figures out stuff. I really think he would be throwing away something really really special because what we have is amazing and he just wants to see if the grass is greener pretty much.

What do you think of all this? Could he come back?


Thanks for your help

L

L,

This could go both ways. He could get a taste of the single life that he hasn't had for 3 years and then go wild with the boys and enjoy being single, or he will realize that a relationship was the way to go and be back in a second. It really is hard to tell when he put a time limit on it.

It is good that you are keeping from talking to him but what you need are distractions. Distractions will keep your mind off of him and also help you let loose a little bit too. Go dancing with your girlfriends, flirt with boys (you don't need to do anything but flirting is always fun), go away for the weekend, find a hobby, do whatever it is that you want to do that a relationship wouldn't allow you to do.

After 3 years of being in a serious relationship, especially at your age, you identify a lot of who you are with that relationship. Don't focus on the break being a bad thing because it is not. You should be using this time as time for yourself to find out more about you. You have been in a relationship for 3 years that being single is kind of a shock. Now you have no one to check in with, no one to call when you wake up, no one to call before you go to bed, no one to be lazy with, you are single and only have to worry and care for yourself right now. Use the time productively and find out who you are and what you have to offer. Experience new things because you may never have the chance again.

I am not saying to go out and get wild with boys but use this time to find yourself and meet new people and flirt with new boys. Use this time as a learning experience, you may end up finding out that you are missing out on something that you never knew.

The more you have fun and enjoy yourself on this 'break', the more your boyfriend will want to be with you. Don't mope around, go out there and have fun. Distractions, distractions, distractions!!

All The Eggs In One Basket

My story is entirely different from anything I've ever read or seen........and entirely too long to type out.

Basically, I've been in love with someone for 2 years who has been unavailable to me due to mostly reasons beyond our control....there was a time where he was my 'boss' and we were worried for his life (literally) because of the people he/we were involved with, and the amount of money at stake....through this, there were trials of trust and friendship that I can't even begin to describe...

I have poured my heart out to him twice now, and both times he told me that it wasn't the right time...that time will tell...but he can't right now...blah blah blah, yet won't let me forget about him even though I moved 2500 miles away...

I will be moving back in 6 weeks, but he doesn't know that yet.

He has taken better care of me than any other man in my life, and I care for him for all the right reasons...and through all of this, we only 'messed around' ONE time (which was when I came home for a visit last Christmas, AFTER I'd poured my heart out for the 2nd time back in October over the phone)...and we never slept together. When I lived [there], he would periodically do completely random acts of love.......or at least thats what I conceived these acts to be.....yet never tried to take advantage of me or anything of that nature.

The thing of it is, he's ruined my life! I haven't met anyone that even remotely compares to him, or that I would like to spend time with...should I just assume he will never give in and be with me and treat him as a platonic and/or business friend, or should I give it some time after I move back? He has never given me a straight answer to anything........except, "Not now".

How long is long enough to wait around for someone before making the decision for them and cutting them out of your life?

By the way, I'm 23 and he's 26.

Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Julie

Julie,

Just from that letter and what you said, I wouldn't be surprised if he was gay. Most likely I am completely wrong but I entertained that thought while reading your letter.

You should never wait around for someone. By waiting around you are missing so many opportunities that come by. Yes, he is always in the back of your mind but can the next guy you go on a date with be the one? You would never know because of that thought of you possibly getting with the one you are thinking about. It will just cloud your mind and help you make irrational decisions.

If a man wanted to be with a woman it would happen. "Not now", is just an excuse to prolong making a decision. If you really cared about someone you would give them a straight answer and not let them hang on the ropes waiting.

My advice is to not stress on the situation. Yes, he is a great guy. Yes, you do have feelings for him and would like to be with him but why press the issue?? How would you feel if he told you tomorrow that he didn't want to be with you. You would have spent all the time "waiting around" in vain and it would have meant nothing but you have to entertain that as a possibility as well. Basically, don't put all your eggs in one basket. If something is going to happen then it will. Pressing the issue with him won't do anything except hurt you in the long run because of all that you are missing out on waiting around.

You don't need to move on, just don't count on something that isn't a for sure thing. The more effort you put into him before you even know he shares the feelings, the more you have to lose. Be careful and keep that on the back burner and entertain other options now.

Mason The Sexpert

I am a sexpert?

Duhhhh! The Love Coach says so!

Check it out!

Shy Guy?

Ok, for the most part I get when a guy gives up and isn't interested anymore and I just let it go too but I have a new situation. I met a cool guy that is just like me (except shy) on the internet which was a first for both of us and we got along well. We talked a lot and we were both naturally nice to each other. We met in person for the first time to check each other out and after about eight hours of him being totally nervous around me (in a cute way) we ended up having sex. He got sort of distant but we were still talking. I asked him what he thought about meeting me in person with no intention of talking about a relationship but HE thought that is what I was doing and after like two days of talking about it he said we should chill, ok so I think it won't go anywhere....right? Well I am pretty outgoing and we get along really well so we are still friendly so if I text or e-mail he texts or emails right back and treats me the same minus the initiation like before. I don't get it. Are guys realy that shy or scared easily that he would need two weeks or so to recover from a brief encounter with someone that he was totally into the week before? He is freind material but even better boyfriend material....should I trust my instincts and let him recover or is he not interested?

Thanks

-L


L,

It sounds like it was the thrill of the chase that got him attracted in the first place. Internet meetings are a little bit different than meeting someone in person initially. When you meet someone on the internet you get a false sense of security about knowing the person when you meet them. In reality, you only know what the person wants you to know about them.

You never really got to know the guy before you had sex with him, or should I say it sounds like the guy never really got to know you before he had sex with you. I have had sex with girls before I have really gotten to know them and after it becomes debatable if I want to get to know them. It is almost as if the guy isn't interested anymore because he has already gotten what he wanted even if he didn't know he wanted it.

He is returning your emails and texts without initiating them which is probably because he doesn't have the heart to tell you he isn't interested OR he is keeping you on the back burner until he is ready to bring you to the front again. He would be answering to keep you hooked because nothing is more awkward than that call 3 months down the road after no communication.

You need to contact him and initiate something if he is not going to and if he starts making excuses or is always busy then drop him. Excuses are to get out of something you don't want to do and when you start hearing them then stop wasting your time. When you do get together with him then take things slow, give him a little but not a lot. Make him chase you.

Booty Calls: Not Just For 1 Night Stands

Hey there,

I am in need of dire help… There’s this guy that I’ve been friends with for the last couple of months. We went to a concert a couple of times, and he constantly called me to hang out and do things with him, but I wasn’t really interested. Then one crazy night I was with him and got drunk and slept with him. He called me the next day to make sure that I was okay, and he talked to my best friend to make sure that I was okay…and I was. Soon after, we made it a habit to sleep together, even though I told him that I made it pretty clear I didn’t want a relationship and we were just having sex. Lately though, I’ve realized I’ve begun to fall for him, and I’m not sure how he feels about me. I know he cares about me a lot as a friend, and we’re constantly with each other outside of the bed, and he calls me and texts me all the time just to talk and hang out with me, sex not included. He’s even asked me a couple times what’s going on between us, and he told me he just wants me to be happy. When we’re having sex he’s very emotional and caring, constantly asking me if I’m okay and enjoying myself…but a couple nights ago he sent me a booty call via text messaging (come over. I’ll do things to you), to which I didn’t respond. When we spoke about it later, he was shocked to find out that none of my ex-boyfriends had ever sent me booty calls. Does he not have feelings for me like I thought he did, and would it be disastrous to talk to him about a relationship? Please help me! I’m desperate for some answers!

m

M,

Just because a guy booty calls you, doesn't mean that he doesn't have feelings for you. It just means he wants some booty. You can want a relationship with someone and also want some booty too. It is completely normal. I atually find it kind of weird that none of your ex's have ever given you a booty call.

Booty calls are one of the perks of a relationship. When you don't go out with your boyfriend/girlfriend then it doesn't matter what you do, where you go, or who you are with, at the end of the night you can call your boyfriend/girlfriend to come over for a night cap. That's almost what it sounds like hew as doing. It would not be disastrous at all if you talked to him about a relationship. From all the things you said, it sounds like he would jump at any form of relationship.

Communication is key! Instead of sitting around and waiting to see what he does, you should be talking to him. Find out how he feels about a relationship and come to an agreement. Date exclusively, make him your boyfriend, make him your hump buddy, whatever it is there is always a common ground that two people can agree upon.

Just because he sends you a booty call, doesn't mean that he doesn't want a relationship...

Marriage Is An Institution

Hey Everyone!!!

I know this is out of character of this blog but I thought I would give it a try since I know I have quite a few female readers. I received the following email from a guy and instead of me answering it, I decided to throw it to you people. Answer in the comments or write me an email and I will post it. I'll have my response next week. Let the advising begin!


I am guy though who is in a jam and I think I need the 'female version' of your site. Been seeing a married woman. we were into each other for a few months. then it went platonic for 3 months. then out of nowhere for her birthday we meet and have our way with each other. what does this mean.?

-T

Confidence Is Key

I’m a 25 year old single mother of two kids. The big issue I have is that childbirth has really done a number on my tummy, specifically in the stretch mark department. Most of my friends are guys, and I’ve asked them about this, but I’m pretty sure they are trained to say “You’re beautiful, you’re perfect” as a natural response to any female loaded question(not that I blame them). I honestly want to know though: How do guys feel about a pretty, fit girl, yet with a lot of havoc in the tummy area? I feel like if an equally attractive guy goes out with me with clothes on, he’s going to be in for a shocker when we decide to take it to the next level. On the other hand, the only option to fix the scars of this severity is to get a tummy tuck, which I tend to feel awkwardly about too. So what does the average guy think about surgery scars or a tummy tuck on an otherwise (hypothetically) flawless woman?



Honestly,
A

A,

Surgery scars are just that, scars from surgery. I don't mind them at all. A scar is something someone can't control. I have a horrible scar where I had a cyst removed from my tailbone but I know that I can't do anything with it and I am comfortable with my body enough to not let it affect me. The point is, it's not the scars that are the issue, it's you being comfortable with your body to not be self conscious about the scars.

Have you ever gone to the pool and seen an overweight guy wearing a shirt in the pool? We all know he is wearing it because he is self conscious about his body and doesn't want to take his shirt off. In turn it just broadcasts his insecurities making them worse. On the other hand, you have the over weight people that don't mind taking their shirts off and dive right into the pool. Those are the people you don't think twice about. They have come to terms with themselves and are confident in their own skin.

You are getting self conscious about what guys will think. Confidence is sexy in a woman, regardless of stretch marks. You should do what you want to about the stretch marks to make yourself feel comfortable in your own skin. How can anyone learn to love you and your body if you can't first? If you think your confidence would boost with a tummy tuck then do that. The key is that you are confident in your own skin and once you start exuding that then the stretch marks won't matter.

Of course there are going to be guys who don't like them but then again, those are the guys that aren't interested in you.

Don't Take My Independence

Dear Mason,

I have been dating a guy for 2-1/2 years. I am currently finishing college and I am making plans to go to grad school. He had a messy divorce about five years ago and still owns the house that he hates and has wanted to sell ever since. In the first year of our relationship, he repeatedly told me that he "wanted to build a life together" and we discussed, planned, and almost signed a lease for an apartment in an attempt to move closer to my school so we could live together. This fell through due to financial reasons. I told him that I couldn't keep things the same (living in two places that were 45 minutes apart from each other) and, reluctantly, he agreed to me moving in with him a few months ago.

Since moving in, any work that I try to do on the house to get it closer to selling is met with resistance. I believe he is starting to distance himself somewhat from me. Basically, I am just getting lots of gut feelings that things are just not right. On the surface, things seem fine except when we discuss selling the house, moving, etc. Then, in recent discussions, he has started to make vague statements that seem to indicate that he is no longer thinking of this as a long-term "build a life together" relationship. It seems like whenever I express conflict about what I need in terms of knowing in advance where I will be living in a year, he gets angry and hostile and wants to make sure that I know that this is "his house." Anyway - I told him the other night that, due to all of the animosity about waiting to sell the house, I would not be considering location in applying to grad schools. He seemed both surprised, happy, and nervous about this.

My question is two-part. First, you often mention the little signs that women miss that indicate a man is distancing himself... can you elaborate on what these are? Second, should I continue in this relationship which is generally great - except for the conflicting paths of the house and school - until I see where I am accepted for school? Finally, with some of the clues that I am getting, it seems that he just wants a partner who doesn't want marriage, who doesn't conflict with his financial decisions, and basically wants a girlfriend but not the pressure of someone who you make life decisions with... would you agree?

J

J,

All guys are different in showing the signs that they are distancing themselves. A lot of the times women don't pick up on these signs because they are too busy making excuses for the behavior. A major red flag is when the guy starts choosing other interests over the relationship. I am talking about interests that he used to put second to the relationship in the past that he now doesn't. These interests can be anything. They can be drinking, going out with friends, a hobby, a sport, anything that he used put the relationship in front of that he now treats as more important to the relationship. Women ignore the sign and make excuses for that behavior.

I think you should put school in front of this relationship. You know that putting effort into school won't be wasted more than you know that about the relationship.

You are pretty much right in the clues you are getting. It almost sounds like he doesn't want to lose his independence and with you helping with all the house stuff it's almost like you are taking something away from him. It could never hurt to talk to him about some of this stuff as well and see his perspective on the issue. Things become a lot more clear when you are able to sit down and talk about both sides.

Why Buy The Cow When The Milk Is Free? Pt.2

In reference to "Why Buy the Cow When the Milk is Free"
Ok. So i think im done with this one. Should i be? I've text him twice now in a matter of 4 or 5 days and no response. I'm not really sweating it to bad, it just one of those things that sucks. He is a really nice guy and i like him. Like you said, i guess he's just not interested. Don't really know if its me or just his position in life right now. I wish i could get inside his head and find out why! lol. I dont want to scare him away. So texting him is out of the question. Or should i? I figure id see if he'd come to me, but it doesn't seem to be happening. It's only been about a week which is the norm, sooo i dont know. The last time might have been the last. No closure. Just done. :( This really is a brain teaser. You can always have the ones you dont want, and the ones you do want? KEEP DREAMIN! What do i do!! Ik. Ik.

k

K,

Ya, I have had a couple girls like that. I just get over them. The fun is over so I stop responding. It has nothing to do with you, per say. It may have been too much of you too fast, or the fact that you aren't the new girl anymore. Either way, it sounds like he is just over it. You really do just need to move on, what kind of 'how we met' story starts with, "Well we hooked up a couple times and then he wouldn't return my calls or texts, so I kept being persistent and then when he had no other option he started responding and 2 weeks later we hung out."

There is just no base for anything than the hook ups you have been having and it would be super hard to try to build one now. You should move on and if you think you may like a guy then TAKE IT SLOW. I cannot stress that enough. The faster you move, the more the guys sees you as 'just another girl' and will brush you off as one.

In regards to, "Why can you have the ones you don't want and can't have the ones you do?". The ones you don't want you don't show interest in. You kind of brush them off which sparks something in them. Now they want what they can't have, as most people do. It's unwillingly using the cat string theory. With the ones you do want then you are expressing way to much interest too fast which is always a turn off when you know someone is more into you than you are into them.

Why Buy The Cow When The Milk Is Free?

I met someone at a bar. lol. Yea i know. Thats probably my first problem. Anyways. His name is corey. We have done the dirty 4 times now, well met up 4 times, and its really good. We dont talk to much during the week. Here and there. But i do most of the initiating. He has once. When we do talk its very short, but he does respond. SOMETIMES not though. I am currently not just talking to one guy, not really with anyone (commited). Just having fun. The thing is, is that i am starting to think of stupid things to say to him in text messages and asking to hang out more than usual. Its not working. I think the whole FUN thing is coming to an end. He doesn't necessarily respond either. Like i said. SOMETIMES. When we are together. We drink some beers down at his boat, ive met some of his family members and friends and when its just me and him we can talk and have long conversations. The conversations are about past relationships, what happend, life, him playing his guitar, pretty much a little bit of everything. Have sex, and fall asleep on the boat. He is a busy person and likes it that way. Understandable. Money is a virtue. He also has said that he is not wanting a relationship because of it. We've all heard that one. My question is... what do i do. My instincts tell me that he is not interested in me in any other way. Its not like he goes out of his way to hang out or message me. He acts very respectful when i am with him and we do have good times. Im the one that told him that its nice to have someone that i can do this with and not have drama or strings attatched. Great! I did it now! Dumb ass!!! lol. What do i do!!!! Is he interested? I think about what i would say or do to get a reaction or response and all i picture him doing is cutting me offf!!!! lol. I dont know. You tell me. Dont really know what to do or think.

K

K,

Well you pretty much nailed this one right on the head. This sounds like a classic, "He's just not THAT into you" situation. Of course he is welcoming when you call to hang out and come around because that means he doesn't have to do any of the work. I have friends like that right now. Girls I don't see any future with and that I don't call but when they call me to hang out I know what it's about and if it is convenient for me then we will hang out.

You kind of dug your own grave by telling him that you enjoyed the no strings attached relationship that you have with him. A lot of guys would love a relationship like that. You guys hang out, hook up and everyone is happy.

Now, if he is interested or not? Well why buy the cow when he is getting the milk for free? It sounds like he is interested in one thing and that is continuing the relationship you have right now. The no strings attached friends with benefits relationship. I am pretty sure that if you ask him where the relationship is going or what he wants out of it then it will only scare him away.

My advice is to have fun with him but don't expect too much out of him.

What About The Ex?

I need one more piece of advice *sigh*
update:
I talked to my bf today about giving me some space. It was hard to convince him but he finally gave in. He said he will give me some space, but it can't be for more than a day.sucks,I know.
new problem:
I keep in contact with my ex's. Not every day basis but once every month or so. We sort of just keep each other updated or talk about random things. The point is, my bf hates it. He does not like me talking to them because he is afraid that i will start liking them again. How insecure is that!? plus, he does not trust me, which is weird cuz i have never cheated on him. The only reason why he does not trust me is cuz i lied to him and that is the biggest no no for him.
For about 5 months or so, he has asked me to stop talking to them and i kept refusing due to the fact that i see nothing wrong with it. He does not keep in contact with his ex's but i wouldn't even care; I believe that jealousy is the worst characteristic anyone could have. We had a huge argument last night about this and he asked me one more time to stop talking to them. He even said that this was a simple request and not a big deal,but i thought differently. He was asking me to lose contact with 3 friends i have known for years due to his insecurities.
so what did i do?
i took his offer and switched it up a bit
I could not call,text,hang out with,or look for them BUT if they were the ones who initiated anything from the above,i could reply.
He agreed and we left it as that.
is that mean? or is that another act of my selfishness? the reason why i did that is cuz i am so scared that in the future he will tell me about other ppl i cannot talk to or hang out with. What do you think? bad decision or should of handled it differently.


R

R,

Talking to ex's actually becomes an issue in a lot of relationships. You need to understand why he doesn't want you talking to your ex's, not just the fact that he doesn't want it happening. He says it's because he thinks you will fall for them all over again which may be true but there is more involved when a guy doesn't want his girlfriend talking to her ex. The jealousy that you are talking about isn't necessarily the same jealousy he would feel if he saw you flirting with another guy. This is completely different. It is the jealousy of knowing that your ex was with you before him. The fact that you have shared intimacy, emotions and all the other stuff that comes with a relationship with him. That is the part that hurts and that is why he doesn't want to think about you talking to your ex's. Every time your boyfriend hears that you are talking to your ex it just reminds him of other guys you have been with and that is never a good thing for a guy to be thinking about.

My ex and I used to fight about this all the time. What made me upset about it wasn't that I thought she was going to go and cheat or something. It was the fact that the guys she was talking to were still attracted to her. I knew it and she knew it and that was the problem.

My whole theory was that en ex is an ex for a reason. It means no exceptions. If you and your ex want to be best friends then why aren't you still together? It just doesn't make sense and trying to figure out why my ex wanted to keep in touch with her ex fiance that lived in a different country wasn't easy.

In all fairness, you aren't being selfish but a relationship is about compromise and you should come to an agreement. One of the hardest things to do in a relationship is to see things from your partner's point of view. You need to be able to do this to see how he feels and how you are making him feel by talking to your ex's. He probably feels that your ex's are still attracted to you and that may be what the underlying issue is. You need talk to him and help him realize that you are with him and no matter who is attracted to you, it sucks for them because you are with him. Jealousy stems from insecurities but if you reinforce your feelings for him then you can help make him secure with himself and your relationship which, in turn, would make some of the jealousy go away. That is a lot easier said than done.

Remember, a relationship isn't 50/50 it's 100/100 and both of you have to give your all, understand each other, and compromise to make it work.

One Of The Boys

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and I really care about him but sometimes I wish he would give me some space! He is an amazing person and i love hanging out with him but I am one of those people that needs to be alone for a day or two. Not in a very depressing way, but more as to gather my thoughts and get away from all the drama. He hates it when i ask for some space because we don't get to see each other very often as it is; I am only here for the summer and will be going back to school in sept(300 miles away). I sometimes feel like the man in the relationship! Here are some examples that support my theory: forget his bday (I remember it now..),tell him to hang out with his buddies and drink or go to the strip club, i get along with all of his friends, he cries more than i do, do not like roses (I want my bf to think outside the box), and valentine's day is too cliche for me (last vday, I wanted to order pizza and drink while he wanted to do the whole dinner and movie thing).

It is very cute when he does this, but it is not something I would go all dubby wubby about. My friends say that I am an ungrateful, selfish and stupid girl because there are people who want to find a guy who would do these things for them and i'm just like w/e...

From the blogs I have read, it seems like you have a lot of lady friends. So have you met anyone that thinks somewhat like me?
I bet you think i'm weird? or better yet...an ungrateful, selfish, and stupid girl?

FYI
I do like him very much

R


R,

First of all, you are not weird, ungrateful, selfish or stupid. You sound like the perfect catch to me and yes I do know girls like you. The girls I know like you are the girls that are able to hang out with me and the boys without feeling out of place. They can jump right in with the boys and not feel left out or alienated at all. Kerri is exactly like that. If she is hanging out, she is most likely the only girl in the group. This is never a bad thing.

What you need to do is sit your boyfriend down and talk to him about this. The guy likes you a lot and should understand what you are saying if you are sincere about it. I know the type of guy you are talking about and you can't just say, "Give me space" because he will take it as a personal blow. You need to explain why. You need to reassure him that it's not because of him and that you do care for him but you also value your alone time. My ex was like this and it took her 3 months to slightly understand why I would want to sit at home alone or go out alone and not hang out with her.

It may take a little bit of work but you need to sit him down and explain all the things he thinks is weird. Don't just tell him that he should go get drunk and go to a strip club with the boys. Explain to him why and reassure the fact that you still care for him as well. You need him to relate to the reasons that you need space, or want him to hang out with his buddies, or why you don't like roses. You need him to reassure him that it isn't because you like him any less, it's because that is you. Once he understands why you want space or want him to go to a strip club with the boys then he should start appreciating you for the awesome girlfriend you are.

Don't listen to what your girlfriends say about you being ungrateful, I bet some of your man's friends say the same thing to him regarding you. I know a lot of guys that would love to date a girl like you.

Lets Take A Hint

JL: lol might sound odd but ill give it a try... So i liked or still like this guy that i met and we only talked on the phone because he is very busy and i seen himm like 3 times we were i guess kinda dating for 2 months... hes going to be going away for trainning for the rcmp next momth. anyways we were talking one day and then he didnt contact me for a week and then we sent me an elmail saying

JL: we cant talk no more and lets drop everything and that hes again sorry

JL: so why would somebody just all a sudden do that?also have a baby so i dont know maybe thats it too

Mason: you saw a guy 3 times and considered that dating?

JL: yeah lol we were taking things slow bc hes going away for rcmp trainning

Mason: It doesn't sound like he thought you were dating

Mason: through talking on the phone a lot and not seeing you it sounds like he is trying to avoid you

Mason: and "always being busy" is never an excuse

Mason: its always an out

Mason: its a way to let the other party not feel bad

Mason: if a guy likes a girl, it doesnt matter what he is doing, he will always make time for her

JL: also his mom wouldnt let him out bc shes overly i dunno dont jusdt let him out

JL: they are leb

Mason: and also, that letter and him saying he is busy, all together sounds like there is another girl

Mason: like while you were 'dating' he was with someone

Mason: but didn't want to tell you because he didn't know where it would go with the person he was with

JL: so you don't think that just because he is leaving really soon could be prosible? and he doesn't want anything to get into his way? bc we were fine one day and everything....

Mason: it sounds like you are just making excuses for him

Mason: when this guy is just not that into you

JL: i was thinking to send him a letter and explaing he should of atleast told me wat was happening and stuff should i?

JL: i think its just because i need a reason why

Mason: if he liked you as much as you liked him then he would have found a way to keep things going when he was away

Mason: You are making up reasons and making excuses for him because you don't want to believe that he is just not into you

Mason: you like the guy and want to think you have a shot at something

Mason: so when he shows signs that he isn't into you then you find an excuse

Mason: it's natural behavior and lots of women do it

JL: but wat about a reason do you think if i send him a letter you think he would at least say why?

Mason: most guys dont like confrontation

Mason: so instead of being honest and giving reasons, they just skirt the issue

Mason: and stop talking to the girl

Mason: or they are always busy

Mason: or something of the sort

Mason: if you sent him a letter, I dont think he will respond

Mason: and if he did I think it would be a vague response and then he wouldn't talk to you after he came back

Bust A Move

Dear Mason,

I started hanging out with this guy when school first started. He was really nice to me at the time. He coaches for a dance troupe after school, I asked if I could tag along and he said yes. After doing that, we hung out a lot more in school. There was also this one time when he asked me if I could go watch a movie with him [through text]. I did end up going...ahehehe.... He has also asked me the question if I had a boyfriend, and of course I don't, duh! So ya, we really hung out a lot during the first month of school. There was another time when he asked me if I wanted to go to this real fancy restaurant in campus. We had a great time. Everything went well. The week after though seemed a bit different. We didn't talk as much, partially because I started feeling too shy, and I' wondering if he's beginning to lose interest in me, because my liking him has kinda just started.... it's only been six weeks, so I wouldn't like to think that someone can be interested in another and then just stop. I want to show him that I am interested before it's too late. What do i do?


V


V,


6 weeks and nothing yet? There is such a thing as taking it too slow. You need to be forward and take the reigns. It sounds like you are sitting back waiting for him to put you in a position where you can show interest. Instead of waiting you need to jump up and make something happen. Ask him out, take him somewhere, and take control. I'm not saying to be completely in his face but you need to make your attraction obvious.

Flirting is always good and gives a playful atmosphere to anything. There are lots of little things you can do to broadcast attraction but the best way to do it is to simply tell him, "I LIKE YOU!". He obviously is interested if he is asking you to the movies or taking you to dinner now you need reciprocate!

The longer you go without making a move or letting him know you are interested then the further away you will push him. The opposite of interest is disinterest and if you don't show that you are interested then the guy will assume disinterest and why would someone want to keep taking out and hanging out with someone who is not interested?

It has been 6 weeks and that is a long time to spend hanging out with someone and not know if they are interested. You need to make a move and you need to do it fast.

Booty Call Is Just That

I met Mark at work, we had good conversation at work for over a year. We could talk about anything never did we talk about the two of us hooking up, but it happened. We are now secret lovers, I don't want a relationship and neither does he, but I'm starting to feel bad about the fact that we can't be seen in public and I'm also starting to lose respect for myself because this is the first time i've ever done anything like this.That is be a after hours only chick. Neither of us have someone special in our life, but we work together and don't want the drama it could bring at work. I want to start going out in public even though I don't want a relationship,but he still do not want to. I'm in my late 30's and like being single for the first time after a marriage, then long term relationship, but this is eating at me. Help what sould I do.

Thanks,

L

L,

This is a normal thing that starts happening when a booty call starts out with both parties addressing it as just a booty call. Guys don't need to emotionally attached to be physical with someone. Sex is just that, sex. That is what it means to guys, it feels good and they like it. Guys can have sex with someone regularly and not get attached. Women are different, they tend to get attached emotionally after sleeping with someone regularly. Whether it be a lot or not, there is some emotional attachment for women there and that is exactly what is going on right now.

You have been sleeping with this man for a while now and you are starting to get attracted emotionally. You say you don't want a relationship but I think that if he wanted to take it to the next level then you wouldn't hesitate to.

For this guy, your relationship with him is strictly physical. It is the ideal relationship for all guys. He has a willing girl he can sleep with and not have to worry about relationships or emotions. He is getting his sexual gratification without strings.

Now, I'm not saying this relationship is a bad thing. By all means this is not a bad thing. I have a few friends like this :-) BUT, when you are in this type of relationship, an "after hours" relationship as you call it, then you need to not expect anything more than the after hours gratification that the relationship is based on. Once you start wanting more then you will start to get disappointed.

A booty call is just that, a booty call, don't expect anything more from it or else you will be disappointed.

Don't Settle

On numerous occasions I have said how picky I am or that I get bored with girls easily. Being picky isn't necessarily a bad thing and getting bored is a defense against getting stuck in a monotonous relationship. Lets look into this.

Like I said in Single And Happy, I can get a girlfriend if I want, I can date someone tomorrow if I want but that does not mean that I will be content and happy with the relationship. I see a lot of people in those boring monotonous relationships that lose the spark after 3 months but still manage to last 3 years. I always wonder, what is the point? It's settling and I refuse to settle. I have seen people who have been together for years and then get married "because [they] have been together for so long and that is the next step." REALLY?!?! You take the next step with someone because you are inspired to, because you love how your feelings for the person grow day by day, because you love how that person makes you feel, not because "It's been a while and that's the next step"

A relationship should grow with each day and in that successful relationship that we all strive for the spark should never die. You should grow more fond of your partner each day you are together. The moment the spark dies in a relationship then both parties have started to settle. A relationship should inspire both people and the next step should never be a question. You should not take the next step in a relationship "because it's been a while and it seems like the right thing to do." You should take it because you want to! There are some quotes that come to mind when on this subject:

"I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you" -Should be true for EVERY relationship. You should not only fall for the person you are with but fall for the person you become as a result of the person you are with.

"Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you." -A relationship is made up of 2 individuals. Your individuality is what got you into a relationship, never lose it because when you do and that relationship is over it's harder to find yourself then it is to find a bad rebound relationship.

Settling is never a good thing. You will never hear anyone say, "I'm so happy that I settled." Never regret anything because at one point in time it was exactly what you wanted. You're going to meet the wrong people before you meet the right person so you know how good you have it.

I Want Some Time For Me

Hi Stanley!


I believe that is your name....I came across your site and it says you like to give out advice and I have a very peculiar situation I thought you may have a few things to say about. I think it's awesome you are willing to put your two cents in by the way it's very much appreciated to women who may not quite know how to handle a situation with their significant other. So for starters, I am 21 one years old and so is (we will call him simply by his name Chris. Chris and I have been attached at the hip since age 12. Coming from a broken family myself, this guy has really gone above and beyond for me in every aspect. I truly need to credit him for helping me grow as a person by pushing me to be my best. We began dating in our last year of high school and last year in september he broke up with me and simply said I want us to have some time for ourselves and to focus on school and that he had a gut feeling it was the right thing to do. We had an awesome relationship with respect, trust, and honesty and have to this day not lost an almost obsessive attraction towards each other. The reason I am confused is because he is taking time for himself like he said and has not dated at all. Not a single time. I on the other hand have in attempt to get over him. It's almost been a year. I've been told many times to move on but I simply can't. My father has taught me a lot about everything a guy SHOULDN'T be and I can truly say this guy is one worth waiting for. I just don't know how long though. We still say our I love you's and occasionally slip when it comes to physical stuff. I feel everything is still there if not more but it kills me to know he won't simply commit. He says he's not ready for it but I really can't understand what's going on. He will also tell others that he doesn't know if it will be two days from now or five years from now, that if things are meant to be they will work out in due time. I feel as if I'm being tested with time. If he showed any action of moving on I would have too, but like I said before, he has no interest in being with anyone else and he is very open and blatant about that. Any advice would help. Thank you so much for reading.

V


V,

Let me start out by saying that it is awesome that you found a great guy. There are great guys out there and women just don't see it because they date guys they find in bars and then wonder why all guys are jerks.

You guys have been together for a while but both of you are still young. You have your whole lives ahead of you. Relationships do take a lot of a person and it is hard to be 21 and try to get the rest of your life in order while focusing 100% on a committed relationship. It sounds like Chris may know just this after being in a relationship with you.

He sounds like an easy going guy that wants to just let things happen that are going to happen. With this mentality he isn't driven to try to pursue something more at anytime because, "Hey, whatever happens is going to happen, lets not fret over it." He wants to focus on school and other things which is completely respectable. It's hard to tell exactly where he is coming from just by the mere fact that he hasn't dated nor does he want to date anyone. I am willing to go on a limb here and say that maybe he is being completely honest and wants to focus on school and setting himself up for a great future.

He says he wants to be together in the future but not now and you want to be committed now. The worst thing to do is to dwell on the issue and constantly bring it up or remind him. Just because he doesn't want to date anyone right now, doesn't mean that you should be the same way. If you feel like dating then date. If you want to go out with another boy then do it. Maybe that be the catalyst that makes him realize that you can be a hot commodity right now that he is missing out on.

Like in the movie The Breakup where Vince Vaughn doesn't really get jealous until the good looking guy comes over to take Jennifer Aniston out on a date. It's playing a little bit dirty but sometimes guys just need that kick in the pants. If your man is sitting on the fence then sometimes it takes someone else shaking the fence to make him realize which side he needs to be on.

I'm On Single Edition!

Hey everyone!! I recently did an interview for SingleEdition.com.


Click HERE to check it out!

Learn How To Be Chased...

Mason,

I'll cut right to the chase. K and I were together for 6 years. After two years, I moved with him to live in another state in the hopes that we would eventually get married. He was aware that I wanted to eventually get married, but somehow things drug on and we never got to the point of marriage. I got angry and resentful towards him, and he pulled more and more away. We really cared about each other, but really couldn't communicate about it. I eventually got really frustrated and ended it. That was a year and a half ago. We really were good friends and had a great relationship, we just both had committment issues which muddied the waters. I think they could be worked out, if we tried. The break up has been very amicable, in fact we have kept in contact, and have talked probably at least once a month since we broke up. Recently, he had a few crisis, and called me. We both have been dating other people, (he has been dating someone for a year who lives in another state) So is it odd that he keeps coming to me at times of stress? Of course, I still think about him alot, and he is the first person I want to call if something good or bad happens.
Basically, I'm not happy with the men I've been dating, and I still care about him. I want to see if we can work things out. If we can't work things out, I have to move on, because thinking "what if" (and wondering what he is doing with his girlfriend) is making me go crazy.

I mailed him a very nice letter, saying that It is too hard for me to be his friend, and if he thinks that there is a chance with us, we should talk, otherwise I need to move on. It basically was a "closure" letter. I thought it might help me move on. I got a text from him when he got the letter, he said it was very nice, thank you, and we would talk later, because he had just flown back into town and was tired.
That was a week ago and I haven't heard from him. Was sending the letter the wrong thing to do? What should my action plan be now?I know that I shouldn't seem too desperate (I don't think the letter came across that way). Also, his birthday is in three days, I was wondering if I should send a happy birthday text or ignore it?
Any advise is appreciated. Thank you.
-A

A,

Sending the letter really wasn't the wrong thing to do if you actually meant it. He knows you well and if he thinks that you didn't mean it then most likely he will just brush it off and continue like the letter wasn't sent. The next plan of action is to actually follow up on what the letter said and not talk to him. By talking to him you are hurting yourself because you aren't letting yourself let go of the idea of you and him together again and you are not giving other guys you meet or will meet a chance because of that little seed in the back of your mind that you still may get back together with this guy.

That letter was a good start but now it's time to follow up on what you said. If he truly wants to get with you again then he will start making an effort and the only way that is going to happen is if you really truly do start to move on. It's basically the the cat string theory but in this case you need to try to move on for real. If you start to move on and that reignites his interest then all is well but if you start to move on and he sees that and does nothing then moving on should be the best decision.

No one should date someone who wouldn't fight for them and fight to have them and keep them. That is how the boring and monotonous relationships are and those are the relationships that lose the spark. The letter has been sent and he has it now, so the ball is in his court. You should really try to move on just because it has been so long and it would be good for you. While doing that, if he feels the same way about you, then that should light a fire underneath his butt. If he doesn't then at least you found out and you shouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't giving as much as you. Remember, relationships are not 50/50, they are 100/100. Never settle for anything less.

Just Friends?

Hey-

There is a guy I have been talking to, hanging out with a bit- nothing major tho- that I know is into me. Without getting into too much detail, we were talking and he mentioned that he is going to his good friend from the city he lives in's summer family home for the weekend. This friend is a girl, who he also mentioned the friend does not know if her family will think she's weird for bringing a guy on the family weekend at the summer house visit. My thoughts 1. why is he telling me this? I really don't want to know. 2. if up to most girls, they would pick just fam over fam plus 1 'good' guy friend- unless they wanted to hook up with them. Which just brings me back to #1. Is he just stupid or trying to make me jealous? I really don't get it and its a huge turn off to talking to him further! Please guy decode this!


Hey,


There are a couple explanations for this depending on the type of guy he is. If there was anything going on between him and the girl then any smart guy wouldn't bring it up. The fact that he told you it was a girl could be construed as that it is just a friend. Guys and girls can be just friends, I have girlfriends that I go away with and visit where everything is strictly platonic.

You said there is nothing major going on between you two. I am willing to say that there may be something going on between him and her just for the mere fact that u and him are not committed yet and him describing her as his 'good friend' is his way of making you think there is nothing going on so he still has a chance with you when he gets back. I wish I knew more about the situation so I could answer more directly but this is a very vague situation and it could be either completely platonic or it could be him trying to cover his tracks using the 'friend' card.

Don't Hold Back

Mason,

I met B a little over a year ago. I approached him at a bar asking if he could show me "The Worm" (the dance on the floor). Anyways, that started our talking at the bar and he sat next to me the rest of the night until his ride was leaving. We went out the next night and thus started our "relationship" if you can call it that. He lived in a different city from, about an 1.5 hour drive. He had family and friends in my city so I would see him about once a month, and we would talk/text everyday. A couple of months after meeting I took a job in his city, NOT for him. I had graduated college some months earlier and this was the only job I could find, so I moved and took the job. After I moved I thought things between us would get more serious. We see each other more and more. And by that I mean, maybe once a week or once every other week. He's in the military and very focused on his job and securing a life for himself. His childhood was fully of anxiety from never knowing if his home would have electricity, running water, the things we take for granted. So I understand and respect that he works really hard. He got a second job to help pay for his "toys." He rides motorcycles. Anyways, about 4 months ago while he was visiting his dad and brother out of state he sends me texts telling me he wants us to get married and move to be closer to his dad and brother. I joke and respond with someone along the lines of how cute we would be with our 2 little dogs as kids. He said we would have kids later on, which to me was a huge turnaround from when we first met. He was adament about having a vesectomy because he didn't want to put kids through what he went through as a kid. ANd every once in a while he'll send me a text saying how good of a wife I will be and how cute our kids will be.
However, he's never asked me to be his girlfriend, and we don't talk about what we are. Part of it could be my fear of rejection from him, or my utter lack of wanting to talk about my feelings. I don't even talk about my feelings with my best friends. I'm just not a feeling talking kind of girl. But I know that I love him and am continuously increasing my feelings each time we're together.
So I guess what I'm trying to figure out if my being patient with him is a good thing, or if I'm just wasting my time thinking that if I continue being patient we will continue being us in hopes of one day being with him fully. It's one of those things where I can see us just skipping the natural process of relationships, ie being girlfriend/boyfriend and go straight to be engaged or married. But sometimes I wonder maybe I should just suck it up and sit down with him and ask him where this is going.
Ugh, I dunno. What do you think?

-M


M,


In my experience, military guys tend to want to move a lot quicker than the average Joe. They want to start a life right away and start a family to be able to have that something to fight for back at home when they are deployed. With my friends in the military, they are/were looking for wives, not flings, not girlfriends, not booty calls. They are looking to settle down.

It sounds like your man is saying these things to you to gauge your reactions to them. I don't know why the sudden change from wanting a vasectomy to wanting kids but I can only guess that it has to do with you. That he thinks you and him can raise kids successfully together.

If your man is already talking about kids then it may be a bad thing that you are being patient with expressing your feelings. All guys express their emotions differently and if he is expressing his emotions by saying he wants to get married and you don't reciprocate those emotions then he may just see that as rejection. You should tell him how you feel and it should assure him that it's ok to feel that way as well. If he wants to get married and have kids with you then he has already expressed his emotions.

You need to tell him how you feel and if you don't think he'll grab the reigns and take control and make you his girlfriend then you need to do that. Let him know you love him and want to be with him and then ask him what he thinks. Once you guys start verbally expressing your emotions for each other then it only gets easier and easier and makes you grow closer.

Never hold anything back, you feel things for a reason. Trust yourself and your feelings and never be embarrassed or ashamed to express your emotions.

Not So Friends With Benefits

I met a lad at xmas on a nite out an went on our 1st date in january it was a friday night, i know i was stupid but i went back to his an stayed the nite. The next day he didnt stop calling and txting me, an again we met up went out for the evening an i stayed till the Monday. This went on for 4months meeting up from work during the week for drinks spending weekends in fancy resturants an hotels and daily calls and txts , we were close and a couple. Our last weekend was diffrent he was distant just wanted to cuddle, in the morning we said bye that was that i didnt hear nothing from him for a week despite calling him. When he called me two weeks later he said he had met somone else and it was over and not to contact him again. I was really hurt and cut all ties. A month went by and he called me out of the blue asking how i was i told him i was fine and had moved on, he told me that the new relationship had ended he regrets way he treated me. Altho i met his mother and brother i never met his friends or was invited on nights out but the new girlfriend did although she didnt stay at his house or meet the family. He has asked me out a few times in the past two weeks but i just dont know what to do

HELP

x


X,

You have to walk away from this. Do you really want to hang out with someone who will drop you for another girl any minute? Guys are creatures of habit and if he did it once and got away with it then more than likely he will do it again.

Meeting his family isn't that big of a deal if it doesn't mean a lot to him. He probably introduces everyone to his family but knows it will make you feel special but after 4 months you didn't meet his friends? That is a huge RED FLAG. You should have ended any type of relations after not meeting his friends after the first month.

My roommate is this same way and has 1 girl he will not introduce anyone to. The only time he hangs out with her is when I am out of town because he is embarrassed by her. Lucky for him I am out of town at least once to twice a month.

You need to not talk to this guy. The only reason he is talking to you is because he knows you guys used to sleep together so it's an easy rebound after his relationship. He can go back to sleeping with you until the next girl comes along. This guy wants nothing more than to be secret hook up buddies and unless you're ok with being that girl that no one knows about and he won't tell his friends about then get out. This guy is not relationship material and only wants 1 thing from you and that's not a relationship.