Distract Yourself So He Doesn't

Dear Mason:

I need some good solid advice and a truthful point of view from a male who has been there (hopefully). So here it goes.

My boyfriend and I met our sophomore year of college and sparks flew for 3 years. Here we are now on a break. It was his idea because he thinks that at 22 years old we need to see what else is out there, experience life, be single for a while, feel free etc. He thinks it would be beneficial for both of us to go and see what else is out there now and he thinks this break is the best thing for both of us in the long run. I agree and I don't agree. I miss him INCREDIBLY, it takes up my entire mind no matter what I do to move on. I have even taken his words and applied them to my life and have gone out with 2 different guys, neither really did much for me, not because I was comparing them to him but there was just no or little connection on my part. This is hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I get panic attacks about him not coming back to me thinking if he ends things for good it will be the biggest mistake of his life and it will ruin mine because I believe we are meant for each other.

Anyways, I know he misses me and misses us because he told me. I haven't contacted him at all because I know it would be wrong to contact him. But he has emailed me and texted me a few times to see how I am doing and he has spoken to my friends to get advice on whether they think he did the wrong thing or not, so CLEARLY he is confused. I mean I know he is confused because his words are "I'm enjoying being single at the moment, I can see the allure in it but to make things complicated I miss us as a couple and I miss you."

Now I don't know what to do with myself. I am REALLY trying to move on without him (assuming he isn't going to come back). Oh and one more thing, he put a time frame on this. He wants to re-evaluate things in October to see where we are both at. I am not counting on anything and am really trying to forget about him but I still check his facebook, I look at old e-mails (he told me he does too) etc. So it's hard plus I am waiting to start my new job so I have a lot of down time so I think a lot.

Now from my perspective I don't think a serious relationship is what I need right now. I'm starting a new job, looking at grad schools (and we are both recent graduates so that adds to the mix of everything being new so maybe he thinks he needs to start fresh or something). But I do miss him in my life as my best friend, my boyfriend etc. I would be willing to take things slow with him (like not jump right back into a relationship but just go out and not have a set day to see each other every week, but just play it by ear, day by day kinda thing).

This is so incredibly hard for me. It feels like I am just stuck, waiting. But I really am trying to get on with my life while he figures out stuff. I really think he would be throwing away something really really special because what we have is amazing and he just wants to see if the grass is greener pretty much.

What do you think of all this? Could he come back?


Thanks for your help

L

L,

This could go both ways. He could get a taste of the single life that he hasn't had for 3 years and then go wild with the boys and enjoy being single, or he will realize that a relationship was the way to go and be back in a second. It really is hard to tell when he put a time limit on it.

It is good that you are keeping from talking to him but what you need are distractions. Distractions will keep your mind off of him and also help you let loose a little bit too. Go dancing with your girlfriends, flirt with boys (you don't need to do anything but flirting is always fun), go away for the weekend, find a hobby, do whatever it is that you want to do that a relationship wouldn't allow you to do.

After 3 years of being in a serious relationship, especially at your age, you identify a lot of who you are with that relationship. Don't focus on the break being a bad thing because it is not. You should be using this time as time for yourself to find out more about you. You have been in a relationship for 3 years that being single is kind of a shock. Now you have no one to check in with, no one to call when you wake up, no one to call before you go to bed, no one to be lazy with, you are single and only have to worry and care for yourself right now. Use the time productively and find out who you are and what you have to offer. Experience new things because you may never have the chance again.

I am not saying to go out and get wild with boys but use this time to find yourself and meet new people and flirt with new boys. Use this time as a learning experience, you may end up finding out that you are missing out on something that you never knew.

The more you have fun and enjoy yourself on this 'break', the more your boyfriend will want to be with you. Don't mope around, go out there and have fun. Distractions, distractions, distractions!!