Don't Take My Independence

Dear Mason,

I have been dating a guy for 2-1/2 years. I am currently finishing college and I am making plans to go to grad school. He had a messy divorce about five years ago and still owns the house that he hates and has wanted to sell ever since. In the first year of our relationship, he repeatedly told me that he "wanted to build a life together" and we discussed, planned, and almost signed a lease for an apartment in an attempt to move closer to my school so we could live together. This fell through due to financial reasons. I told him that I couldn't keep things the same (living in two places that were 45 minutes apart from each other) and, reluctantly, he agreed to me moving in with him a few months ago.

Since moving in, any work that I try to do on the house to get it closer to selling is met with resistance. I believe he is starting to distance himself somewhat from me. Basically, I am just getting lots of gut feelings that things are just not right. On the surface, things seem fine except when we discuss selling the house, moving, etc. Then, in recent discussions, he has started to make vague statements that seem to indicate that he is no longer thinking of this as a long-term "build a life together" relationship. It seems like whenever I express conflict about what I need in terms of knowing in advance where I will be living in a year, he gets angry and hostile and wants to make sure that I know that this is "his house." Anyway - I told him the other night that, due to all of the animosity about waiting to sell the house, I would not be considering location in applying to grad schools. He seemed both surprised, happy, and nervous about this.

My question is two-part. First, you often mention the little signs that women miss that indicate a man is distancing himself... can you elaborate on what these are? Second, should I continue in this relationship which is generally great - except for the conflicting paths of the house and school - until I see where I am accepted for school? Finally, with some of the clues that I am getting, it seems that he just wants a partner who doesn't want marriage, who doesn't conflict with his financial decisions, and basically wants a girlfriend but not the pressure of someone who you make life decisions with... would you agree?

J

J,

All guys are different in showing the signs that they are distancing themselves. A lot of the times women don't pick up on these signs because they are too busy making excuses for the behavior. A major red flag is when the guy starts choosing other interests over the relationship. I am talking about interests that he used to put second to the relationship in the past that he now doesn't. These interests can be anything. They can be drinking, going out with friends, a hobby, a sport, anything that he used put the relationship in front of that he now treats as more important to the relationship. Women ignore the sign and make excuses for that behavior.

I think you should put school in front of this relationship. You know that putting effort into school won't be wasted more than you know that about the relationship.

You are pretty much right in the clues you are getting. It almost sounds like he doesn't want to lose his independence and with you helping with all the house stuff it's almost like you are taking something away from him. It could never hurt to talk to him about some of this stuff as well and see his perspective on the issue. Things become a lot more clear when you are able to sit down and talk about both sides.