Mason,
I’ve been in a relationship with a widower for a little over 2 years. He has been widowed for 4 years. We both started with the idea casual was better, then it developed, and we were with each other all the time, and I was involved with much of his life, and he in mine. We rely on each other and are truly more than lovers – partners and friends. However, I found he was communicating with other women. We took a break for him to find what he wanted, and ended back together, working together, dating, etc. He has acted as if we are going to be together forever, makes plans, etc., and then he says he would be better off alone because he’s hurting me. I’ve tried giving him space, I’ve tried being patient, and I know I can’t be one of the girls. I honestly believe we found each other for a reason, and I don’t want to give up, but am at a loss. I’ve suggested he talk with someone to see if he has truly gotten through the loss of his wife, there may be guilt or betrayal issues there. Am I crazy to think this will work, or should I just walk away and take that pain.
Sounds like you are more into him than he is into you and any relationship is doomed for failure given that circumstance. Like I always say, relationships are not 50/50, they are 100/100 and if you are giving 100% and he isn't then you deserve someone who will give a relationship their all. He is not giving 100% due to the baggage he is carrying around. He needs to drop the baggage and find himself before he can think of being in a relationship.
He needs to deal with his his problems on his own time. If you keep pushing him to deal with everything then he will push back. Whether he says he has baggage or not, he does and he needs to deal with that on his own before he can even think about entering into another serious relationship because if he doesn't then he won't be giving 100% and the relationship will fail. He needs time to deal with his own issues first.
This doesn't mean to wait around though, there is no set time that it will take your man to deal with his issues and actually find himself again. Everyone needs to find themselves before they can even start to find someone to share their lives with. Give him his time and space to deal with his issues and find himself.
"If you love someone, let them go, if they come back to you then they are yours."
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2 comments:
I love reading your blog, but sometimes it makes me a little sad. I like how you are so honest and blunt about it all, but the hopeful in me sometimes goes 'Wow, that was way harsh'. Maybe I'm just too much of an optimist=)
Lyla Lou- Most women are optimists and as a guy I tend to be a realist. I don't know weather the glass is half full or half empty until I know what is in the glass. Sometimes a woman's optimism can be a bad thing and they need a good kick in the right direction to realize it ;-)
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