Hi Mason,
My fiancé and I have been together almost 4 years in may. Last week we had a really big fight which turned alittle violent. My fiancé said that it was really over this time. We were supposed to be heading down to Melbourne last Tuesday. Obviously I’m still in Sydney. I can only assume he went to i Melbourne. I have had no contact with him since the argument. He came home and packed a suitcase. But he didn’t take all of his things. He spoke to our landlord on the Friday but didn’t mention anything about ending the lease. Hes still friends with me on facebook and all of his family too. His status still says engaged. I’m really confused I don’t know what too think. Part of me is thinking that this is usual rob walk out when things get bad and come back a few days later. And part of me is thinking that this is it. My question is if a guy wanted to leave and had the opportunity would he leave for good as quickly as possible?
-E
E,
I dont think this situation is guy specific. If anyone wanted to leave for good they would leave as soon as possible. There is no reason for someone to stay in a situation that they don't want to be in. I know that is a lot easier said than done because there are a lot of people that are in situations they don't want to be in and can't get out of. If a person has the opportunity to get out then do it!
This is the reason a lot of guys will sometimes intentionally pick fights with girls so they have a reason to walk away. I know I am guilty of this before. I was dating 2 girls and it was getting serious with both of them at the same time and they didn't know about each other. I had to pick between the 2 of them so I instigated a fight with one and then ended it.
On the other hand it just sounds like your guy needs some alone time. I don't care who you are or what relationship you are in. Everyone needs alone time sometime. When a fight happens, give the guy his space. Once the fumes from the fight start to die down then that is when you can really talk. Don't make rash decisions when you are in the heat of the moment.
Give the guy his space and then talk to him about it. No matter how bad the fight or what was said, you guys should remember the good times you have had and for that sake there needs to be some dialogue established.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009
Too Much, Too Fast
Dear Mason,
I fell for a guy at work. Even though he was in another city, we became good friends over the phone. He moved to where I stay in January and we started working in the same department.
We started talking almost daily. He used to call me every night, he took me to select a house for him too!
I finally confessed that I loved him and after a long silence of 10 days, he came back to me and said that he really likes me too but is not sure if he loves me. He said he needs some time to figure it out and that we should try seeing each other meantime.
We started going out and I was so happy!! I was very emotionally involved but he wasn't so emotionally involved. He would be great over sms or telephone but very aloof when we were together in person
However, just after three weeks, he said that he does not think it would work out! His reasons were that he doesn't think he cares for me too much and that he will never change as a person. He also said that the problem lies with him and not with me! I think these are just evasive tactics and that he simply didn't like me.
What I cant understand is how he could dump me in 3 weeks??
We were best friends before but now have completely stopped talking to each other. I dont know what to do now and how to handle this situation.
Most of all, I need answers to why he dumped me and what was so bad!
Please help! I have to see him everyday and it kills me
- Fat, Lonely and Sad
Fat, Lonely and Sad,
This sounds like a classic case of too much too fast. A relationship can only move as fast as the slowest person. Move too fast and you'll leave a great person behind. It sounds like you were already head over heals before he had a chance to evaluate the situation. Things should always move slowly. Confessing your love and then dating was the wrong progression of events.
He probably ended it because things were moving too fast. 3 weeks is way to fast to be completely emotionally invested for a guy. Guys emotions take longer to develop than girls and that's why girls see a lot of guys as non-committal. It's not that guys are non-committal, it's that when a girl moves too fast emotionally then it scares off the guy. I have personally been scared off a few times by girls like that and it's nothing against the girls. They were great girls, fun and attractive but too much too fast was too much for me.
This would be a hard one to save but if you think it's worth it then I would suggest the idea to him of dating as friends and taking things real slow. If something like this does happen then whatever you do, do not move faster than him. That would be a best case scenario but no matter what is said now, it won't take away that you did move too fast in the beginning.
I fell for a guy at work. Even though he was in another city, we became good friends over the phone. He moved to where I stay in January and we started working in the same department.
We started talking almost daily. He used to call me every night, he took me to select a house for him too!
I finally confessed that I loved him and after a long silence of 10 days, he came back to me and said that he really likes me too but is not sure if he loves me. He said he needs some time to figure it out and that we should try seeing each other meantime.
We started going out and I was so happy!! I was very emotionally involved but he wasn't so emotionally involved. He would be great over sms or telephone but very aloof when we were together in person
However, just after three weeks, he said that he does not think it would work out! His reasons were that he doesn't think he cares for me too much and that he will never change as a person. He also said that the problem lies with him and not with me! I think these are just evasive tactics and that he simply didn't like me.
What I cant understand is how he could dump me in 3 weeks??
We were best friends before but now have completely stopped talking to each other. I dont know what to do now and how to handle this situation.
Most of all, I need answers to why he dumped me and what was so bad!
Please help! I have to see him everyday and it kills me
- Fat, Lonely and Sad
Fat, Lonely and Sad,
This sounds like a classic case of too much too fast. A relationship can only move as fast as the slowest person. Move too fast and you'll leave a great person behind. It sounds like you were already head over heals before he had a chance to evaluate the situation. Things should always move slowly. Confessing your love and then dating was the wrong progression of events.
He probably ended it because things were moving too fast. 3 weeks is way to fast to be completely emotionally invested for a guy. Guys emotions take longer to develop than girls and that's why girls see a lot of guys as non-committal. It's not that guys are non-committal, it's that when a girl moves too fast emotionally then it scares off the guy. I have personally been scared off a few times by girls like that and it's nothing against the girls. They were great girls, fun and attractive but too much too fast was too much for me.
This would be a hard one to save but if you think it's worth it then I would suggest the idea to him of dating as friends and taking things real slow. If something like this does happen then whatever you do, do not move faster than him. That would be a best case scenario but no matter what is said now, it won't take away that you did move too fast in the beginning.
He May Not Be That Into You
Hello Mason, saw your blog and wanted your insight (if I can!). I'm 35 and this guy is a 36-yr old bach. We actually knew each other in high school, lost touch and 'remet' just this past July on Facebook! It was crazy. He confessed to me that he had a crush on me in high school. Anyway, he lives in El Paso but is missing Chicago so bad since he moved to EP in April 2008. I flew out to EP in Oct to visit him and we had a great time. But look...
It seems lately, I'm getting a strange vibe on things with Adolfo. I realize I'm the one who sent HIM the nasty text message (on Oct 29th) Here we are mid-December now. He arrived in Chicago on T-giving and I went to his soccer game the next day. That's great. So the last time I saw him was Nov 29th and one of the last things I said was 'call me when you get back from your trip.' He replied 'I will.'. I even had asked him prior to that 'are you still angry with me?' (for sending that nasty text msg) And he said 'no'. (so I didn't dwell on that anymore.
He left for his Colombia trip on Dec 2nd and I know he came back to Chicago on Dec 10th. Now I never heard from him since he returned and I purposely called him yesterday morning and left the v/mail about the Willow Creek Christmas thing just to see if he would go OR what reason he would give me for not going. I know he wasn't lying about the grandma's party this weekend bec I remember when I was in El Paso, he showed me an email his aunt sent him inviting the family to this 'party'. I just seem to notice he seems 'distant' toward me even just in general. It's like he can't really make any extra 'time' to see me while he's here for a MONTH. He's here until Jan 5th. I know I saw him 3 weeks ago, but it just seems that you'd think he'd say 'Hey Melanie, I can't go this weekend, but let's get together next week.' Or something like that. I don't sense any real push for that. You know what I mean? The last thing on his v/mail was 'I'll try and give you a call this week.'
It makes it seem like it's a big effort to pick up the phone and he's right here in town. So it makes me feel like 'wow, I guess I'm really more easily to get a hold of when he's back in El Paso and things aren't as exciting.' Seriously. It's something I'm picking up on. I have prayed to God several times and asked him to show me if this person should be in my life and I am not sure what the answer is. I think it's bec I'm a little frustrated. I think by him coming back to Chicago it's kind of showing me a side of him I wouldn't see in El Paso? He's very nice to me and all, but I just get a 'feeling' that I can't shake. I think I should just pull back completely and not get so upset.
The BIG thing that is causing me to 'feel' this way is I truly believe he is still 'shopping' for a woman. I mean really, what guy would not keep his options open and be on the prowl if he's single and met someone who has a kid and isn't divorced yet? I almost wonder if that's why he's still single at 36 and only had one serious girlfriend since age 23. He is definitely into the bachelor life but occasionally wants the 'committed' life when maybe the wells are a little dry? Who knows who is with or what is really going on. What he's been up to on the weekends is kind of a mystery to me. Of the guy friends he has, most are married except a couple. The female best friend he has is married and so is the girl who just got married and we went to that wedding together in August. I just feel like Yes, he may really like me and could see himself with me, but on the other hand, I feel he is still out looking for 'something' and I don't know what that is. Like he can't just be satisfied. He wants to look and still dabble with the ladies. I've never been in a situation like this before and I guess I'm scared that just being 'around' and liking him and thinking he's out shopping. on the other hand, I wonder 'hmm, what if this guy is someone for me and if I just stop talking to him for no reason, I blow it?' So I think I need to cut myself off emotionally and just not care. Here's what I think I could do: he used to call me pretty much every week when we first started talking. I believe if the contact between us becomes far and few between on the phone calls that I should just not return the calls and let it go. I don't know but that alone could be a sign? Or is he just seeing what else is out there knowing I'll 'wait' since he knows I like him?
M,
Sounds like you know what is going on. To me it sounds like this guy just isn't that into you. If he was that into you he would be calling, trying to make time for you, and less mysterious. Sounds like you are around and convenient for when he wants to hang out but actually taking time out of whatever he is doing for you is out of the question.
You just need to cut things off before you become too attached. I'm not saying that you shouldn't hang out with him or see him but don't get emotionally attached. Don't get invested because it doesn't sound like he is. You should back off a bit and see if he comes to you. See if he will take the time to try to contact you. It says a lot about a guy when he won't contact a woman.
Maybe he is just shopping but it's been a few months now. When is the shopping going to end? That is if it ever ends. You need to get away from the idea that you can change him. Women always think they can change guys, then get emotionally invested and then get hurt. It's not worth it. The only person that can change a guy is the guy himself and if you haven't started to see that already then I hate to be the one to break it to you but it doesn't sound like it will happen.
Cut your losses and don't expect anything with this one. If you don't expect anything right now and something happens then it is just a welcome surprise when it does but as for right now it sounds like he just isn't that into you.
It seems lately, I'm getting a strange vibe on things with Adolfo. I realize I'm the one who sent HIM the nasty text message (on Oct 29th) Here we are mid-December now. He arrived in Chicago on T-giving and I went to his soccer game the next day. That's great. So the last time I saw him was Nov 29th and one of the last things I said was 'call me when you get back from your trip.' He replied 'I will.'. I even had asked him prior to that 'are you still angry with me?' (for sending that nasty text msg) And he said 'no'. (so I didn't dwell on that anymore.
He left for his Colombia trip on Dec 2nd and I know he came back to Chicago on Dec 10th. Now I never heard from him since he returned and I purposely called him yesterday morning and left the v/mail about the Willow Creek Christmas thing just to see if he would go OR what reason he would give me for not going. I know he wasn't lying about the grandma's party this weekend bec I remember when I was in El Paso, he showed me an email his aunt sent him inviting the family to this 'party'. I just seem to notice he seems 'distant' toward me even just in general. It's like he can't really make any extra 'time' to see me while he's here for a MONTH. He's here until Jan 5th. I know I saw him 3 weeks ago, but it just seems that you'd think he'd say 'Hey Melanie, I can't go this weekend, but let's get together next week.' Or something like that. I don't sense any real push for that. You know what I mean? The last thing on his v/mail was 'I'll try and give you a call this week.'
It makes it seem like it's a big effort to pick up the phone and he's right here in town. So it makes me feel like 'wow, I guess I'm really more easily to get a hold of when he's back in El Paso and things aren't as exciting.' Seriously. It's something I'm picking up on. I have prayed to God several times and asked him to show me if this person should be in my life and I am not sure what the answer is. I think it's bec I'm a little frustrated. I think by him coming back to Chicago it's kind of showing me a side of him I wouldn't see in El Paso? He's very nice to me and all, but I just get a 'feeling' that I can't shake. I think I should just pull back completely and not get so upset.
The BIG thing that is causing me to 'feel' this way is I truly believe he is still 'shopping' for a woman. I mean really, what guy would not keep his options open and be on the prowl if he's single and met someone who has a kid and isn't divorced yet? I almost wonder if that's why he's still single at 36 and only had one serious girlfriend since age 23. He is definitely into the bachelor life but occasionally wants the 'committed' life when maybe the wells are a little dry? Who knows who is with or what is really going on. What he's been up to on the weekends is kind of a mystery to me. Of the guy friends he has, most are married except a couple. The female best friend he has is married and so is the girl who just got married and we went to that wedding together in August. I just feel like Yes, he may really like me and could see himself with me, but on the other hand, I feel he is still out looking for 'something' and I don't know what that is. Like he can't just be satisfied. He wants to look and still dabble with the ladies. I've never been in a situation like this before and I guess I'm scared that just being 'around' and liking him and thinking he's out shopping. on the other hand, I wonder 'hmm, what if this guy is someone for me and if I just stop talking to him for no reason, I blow it?' So I think I need to cut myself off emotionally and just not care. Here's what I think I could do: he used to call me pretty much every week when we first started talking. I believe if the contact between us becomes far and few between on the phone calls that I should just not return the calls and let it go. I don't know but that alone could be a sign? Or is he just seeing what else is out there knowing I'll 'wait' since he knows I like him?
M,
Sounds like you know what is going on. To me it sounds like this guy just isn't that into you. If he was that into you he would be calling, trying to make time for you, and less mysterious. Sounds like you are around and convenient for when he wants to hang out but actually taking time out of whatever he is doing for you is out of the question.
You just need to cut things off before you become too attached. I'm not saying that you shouldn't hang out with him or see him but don't get emotionally attached. Don't get invested because it doesn't sound like he is. You should back off a bit and see if he comes to you. See if he will take the time to try to contact you. It says a lot about a guy when he won't contact a woman.
Maybe he is just shopping but it's been a few months now. When is the shopping going to end? That is if it ever ends. You need to get away from the idea that you can change him. Women always think they can change guys, then get emotionally invested and then get hurt. It's not worth it. The only person that can change a guy is the guy himself and if you haven't started to see that already then I hate to be the one to break it to you but it doesn't sound like it will happen.
Cut your losses and don't expect anything with this one. If you don't expect anything right now and something happens then it is just a welcome surprise when it does but as for right now it sounds like he just isn't that into you.
What If?
My question is whether a rejected guy has moved on for now, or for good. and also it right or wrong to to confess your love back to someone, a year later after they have just started to move on.
background information:
I am completely head over heels in love with my old roommate, and now friend who lives in another city. We always have the best time and the most fun together whenever he comes to visit. We've known eachother 5 years now, during which i had a baby from another relationship. Last christmas, he finally told me he was crazy about me, and has been for a while, that i turned his life upside down when he met me, he said he could move to my city after he finished school, he said the sweetest things ... then i said: not right now. because its too complicated! Living in different cities and me having a kid. i didn't mention that i was still in a controlling relationship that i was struggling to end once and for all. i told him i felt the same way but it would be better to be friends for now, until i got stable and more independent. I acted more distant so he wouldn't try to kiss me. In letters i would be more distant, because i was afraid he would try to come to my city. The truth is i was scared it wouldnt be the same if he came, he would feel bored or tied down to me if he did move here. all the while i felt like i was doing the right thing, because he is young and has a lot of living to do first, and i wasnt in a mental state to have another relationship.
its christmas again, and this year hes not coming to visit, and i hear second hand he just got a girlfriend. he hasnt told me personally anything, and hasnt written in a month. now i feel like an idiot becuase my sons a bit older, i broke with my ex, and i have been secretly hoping we could start where we left off and we could work something out this year. i am not jealous, just sad that i wont see him this year, and also really worried that this could be him gone forever. i can accept him having another girlfriend while i am not able to be with him. but i cant bear the thought of never being with him ever again. do you think now that hes moved on, he is over me? should i bring up the subject of us again, or do some gesture of love? is it selfish to do this when hes in new relationship, even when i believe its true love? what would he want me to do, let go or let him know im willing to give it a try?
thanks
selfishly in love
selfishly in love,
The easiest thing to do is just to be honest! He was honest with you once in the past and it didn't seem like it worked too well for him. After a guy confesses his true feelings like that and it goes nowhere then it is your job to make the next move after that. It is hard for a guy to confess something like that and even harder for him to confess it twice.
The girlfriend thing is expected. You don't live by him, you told him it wasn't the right time. There is no reason for him to go back home and then wait for you. Girlfriend or not it is good to let someone know how you feel. If it is meant for you two to be together then there will be a way but that way will not find itself unless you provide the catalyst. You need to let him know that you feel the same way. If things don't progress from there then at least you were able to get your feelings off your back.
Sounds like you rejected him and he moved on, as guys do. Guys are also creatures of habit so if he confessed his feelings before then there is a very strong chance he didn't lose those feelings, just stored them somewhere where he didn't have to deal with them everyday. If those feelings are there for him then it is going to take you to provoke those feelings again.
Honesty is always the best policy no matter what the situation is. Don't play games, don't beat around the bush. If he doesn't feel the same way anymore then you know you tried. It is better then looking back on this years later thinking, "What if". Everyone hates "What if's".
background information:
I am completely head over heels in love with my old roommate, and now friend who lives in another city. We always have the best time and the most fun together whenever he comes to visit. We've known eachother 5 years now, during which i had a baby from another relationship. Last christmas, he finally told me he was crazy about me, and has been for a while, that i turned his life upside down when he met me, he said he could move to my city after he finished school, he said the sweetest things ... then i said: not right now. because its too complicated! Living in different cities and me having a kid. i didn't mention that i was still in a controlling relationship that i was struggling to end once and for all. i told him i felt the same way but it would be better to be friends for now, until i got stable and more independent. I acted more distant so he wouldn't try to kiss me. In letters i would be more distant, because i was afraid he would try to come to my city. The truth is i was scared it wouldnt be the same if he came, he would feel bored or tied down to me if he did move here. all the while i felt like i was doing the right thing, because he is young and has a lot of living to do first, and i wasnt in a mental state to have another relationship.
its christmas again, and this year hes not coming to visit, and i hear second hand he just got a girlfriend. he hasnt told me personally anything, and hasnt written in a month. now i feel like an idiot becuase my sons a bit older, i broke with my ex, and i have been secretly hoping we could start where we left off and we could work something out this year. i am not jealous, just sad that i wont see him this year, and also really worried that this could be him gone forever. i can accept him having another girlfriend while i am not able to be with him. but i cant bear the thought of never being with him ever again. do you think now that hes moved on, he is over me? should i bring up the subject of us again, or do some gesture of love? is it selfish to do this when hes in new relationship, even when i believe its true love? what would he want me to do, let go or let him know im willing to give it a try?
thanks
selfishly in love
selfishly in love,
The easiest thing to do is just to be honest! He was honest with you once in the past and it didn't seem like it worked too well for him. After a guy confesses his true feelings like that and it goes nowhere then it is your job to make the next move after that. It is hard for a guy to confess something like that and even harder for him to confess it twice.
The girlfriend thing is expected. You don't live by him, you told him it wasn't the right time. There is no reason for him to go back home and then wait for you. Girlfriend or not it is good to let someone know how you feel. If it is meant for you two to be together then there will be a way but that way will not find itself unless you provide the catalyst. You need to let him know that you feel the same way. If things don't progress from there then at least you were able to get your feelings off your back.
Sounds like you rejected him and he moved on, as guys do. Guys are also creatures of habit so if he confessed his feelings before then there is a very strong chance he didn't lose those feelings, just stored them somewhere where he didn't have to deal with them everyday. If those feelings are there for him then it is going to take you to provoke those feelings again.
Honesty is always the best policy no matter what the situation is. Don't play games, don't beat around the bush. If he doesn't feel the same way anymore then you know you tried. It is better then looking back on this years later thinking, "What if". Everyone hates "What if's".
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