He May Not Be That Into You

Hello Mason, saw your blog and wanted your insight (if I can!). I'm 35 and this guy is a 36-yr old bach. We actually knew each other in high school, lost touch and 'remet' just this past July on Facebook! It was crazy. He confessed to me that he had a crush on me in high school. Anyway, he lives in El Paso but is missing Chicago so bad since he moved to EP in April 2008. I flew out to EP in Oct to visit him and we had a great time. But look...

It seems lately, I'm getting a strange vibe on things with Adolfo. I realize I'm the one who sent HIM the nasty text message (on Oct 29th) Here we are mid-December now. He arrived in Chicago on T-giving and I went to his soccer game the next day. That's great. So the last time I saw him was Nov 29th and one of the last things I said was 'call me when you get back from your trip.' He replied 'I will.'. I even had asked him prior to that 'are you still angry with me?' (for sending that nasty text msg) And he said 'no'. (so I didn't dwell on that anymore.

He left for his Colombia trip on Dec 2nd and I know he came back to Chicago on Dec 10th. Now I never heard from him since he returned and I purposely called him yesterday morning and left the v/mail about the Willow Creek Christmas thing just to see if he would go OR what reason he would give me for not going. I know he wasn't lying about the grandma's party this weekend bec I remember when I was in El Paso, he showed me an email his aunt sent him inviting the family to this 'party'. I just seem to notice he seems 'distant' toward me even just in general. It's like he can't really make any extra 'time' to see me while he's here for a MONTH. He's here until Jan 5th. I know I saw him 3 weeks ago, but it just seems that you'd think he'd say 'Hey Melanie, I can't go this weekend, but let's get together next week.' Or something like that. I don't sense any real push for that. You know what I mean? The last thing on his v/mail was 'I'll try and give you a call this week.'

It makes it seem like it's a big effort to pick up the phone and he's right here in town. So it makes me feel like 'wow, I guess I'm really more easily to get a hold of when he's back in El Paso and things aren't as exciting.' Seriously. It's something I'm picking up on. I have prayed to God several times and asked him to show me if this person should be in my life and I am not sure what the answer is. I think it's bec I'm a little frustrated. I think by him coming back to Chicago it's kind of showing me a side of him I wouldn't see in El Paso? He's very nice to me and all, but I just get a 'feeling' that I can't shake. I think I should just pull back completely and not get so upset.

The BIG thing that is causing me to 'feel' this way is I truly believe he is still 'shopping' for a woman. I mean really, what guy would not keep his options open and be on the prowl if he's single and met someone who has a kid and isn't divorced yet? I almost wonder if that's why he's still single at 36 and only had one serious girlfriend since age 23. He is definitely into the bachelor life but occasionally wants the 'committed' life when maybe the wells are a little dry? Who knows who is with or what is really going on. What he's been up to on the weekends is kind of a mystery to me. Of the guy friends he has, most are married except a couple. The female best friend he has is married and so is the girl who just got married and we went to that wedding together in August. I just feel like Yes, he may really like me and could see himself with me, but on the other hand, I feel he is still out looking for 'something' and I don't know what that is. Like he can't just be satisfied. He wants to look and still dabble with the ladies. I've never been in a situation like this before and I guess I'm scared that just being 'around' and liking him and thinking he's out shopping. on the other hand, I wonder 'hmm, what if this guy is someone for me and if I just stop talking to him for no reason, I blow it?' So I think I need to cut myself off emotionally and just not care. Here's what I think I could do: he used to call me pretty much every week when we first started talking. I believe if the contact between us becomes far and few between on the phone calls that I should just not return the calls and let it go. I don't know but that alone could be a sign? Or is he just seeing what else is out there knowing I'll 'wait' since he knows I like him?

M,

Sounds like you know what is going on. To me it sounds like this guy just isn't that into you. If he was that into you he would be calling, trying to make time for you, and less mysterious. Sounds like you are around and convenient for when he wants to hang out but actually taking time out of whatever he is doing for you is out of the question.

You just need to cut things off before you become too attached. I'm not saying that you shouldn't hang out with him or see him but don't get emotionally attached. Don't get invested because it doesn't sound like he is. You should back off a bit and see if he comes to you. See if he will take the time to try to contact you. It says a lot about a guy when he won't contact a woman.

Maybe he is just shopping but it's been a few months now. When is the shopping going to end? That is if it ever ends. You need to get away from the idea that you can change him. Women always think they can change guys, then get emotionally invested and then get hurt. It's not worth it. The only person that can change a guy is the guy himself and if you haven't started to see that already then I hate to be the one to break it to you but it doesn't sound like it will happen.

Cut your losses and don't expect anything with this one. If you don't expect anything right now and something happens then it is just a welcome surprise when it does but as for right now it sounds like he just isn't that into you.