Guys Can't Read Minds

Hi
i stumbled onto your blog when i was searching the internet for advice.

I don't have a problem getting attention from guys. Without sounding arrogant, it comes quite easily - guys find me attractive and i'm good at flirting etc.

The problem i have is getting a boyfriend.

I'm 18 years old and still a virgin. not because i havent had the oppurtunity to lose it but i want it to be with a guy who is committed to me and i seem to struggle to get guys to stay interested and want to be exclusive with me.

After almost 2 years of being messed around by a guy who never went out with me - we just kissed when we were drunk at parties (looking back i realise i made myself far too available to him), i was so excited when i met this guy called greg. He's a couple of years older than me and started taking me out for dinner and drinks - very sweet. He messaged me every day consistently. I also stayed at his house a lot did a lot but never went all the way because he never said anything about commitment to me.

A couple of months have passed now, he's back at uni and we see each other every so often when he comes back to london. He's far less consistent, cancels on me, never calls - just texts, sees me at night but doesnt take me out, essentially i've become a booty call (without the sex ha).

With the guy before him, he also started out being really keen and it fizzled out. There is definitely a pattern developing!

What am i doing wrong?

Any advice you could offer would be much appreciated as you seem to be writing really good stuff on your blog.

Thanks,
K


K,

First of all, I think you have been watching way too many romantic movies. Guys these days don't act like they do in the movies. Chivalry isn't dead, it has just been updated and translated. You can not wait for a guy to do EVERYTHING. This is a huge mistake and it will only turn out for the worst.

You can not confuse playing hard to get with being impossible to get. This is a big mistake that a lot of girls make. They don't want to be too easy so they play what they think is hard to get when in reality they are playing impossible to get. This can be explained using the, "Cat String Theory". Dangle a string in front of a cat and it will jump to get the string. Pull the string away and the cat will pursue the string as long as this continues under one condition. The string is attainable. Move the string too far out of the grasp of the cat and the cat will become unwilling to pursue. Don't move the string and the cat will become bored with it once it has it. It is a constant push pull, all the while maintaining a balance of letting the cat have the string and taking it away from the cat.

This same principle applies to us! Just like you were doing with the older guy that was taking you out. You thought you made yourself, "Far too available" for the guy that you were into for 2 years. Now, you think to yourself that you aren't going to make the same mistake with this guy, so you do the complete opposite. Instead of leaving the string in front of him, you never let him know it was attainable. A guy will court a girl as long as he thinks it is going somewhere. We are not taking you out so we can get out of the house for the night, we have guy friends for that. Once a guy thinks that his efforts in courting a girl are exhausted and he is bound for endless dates and make-out slumber parties, of course he is going to start detaching and moving on.

Let me go over that one more time just in case you missed the point. A guy will continue as long as he is under the impression something is developing. This DOES NOT mean you have to sleep with him immediately. This means if the past 5 dates ended in you guys making out in the car before going home alone, don't hold your breath for a 6th. Dating is DIFFERENT that hanging out:

Dating: is a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse.

Hanging Out: To socialize with your friends, whether it is of your choosing or not; most of the time the term is uesd to refer to a type of fun.

From what you told me, it sounds like you never told any of the guys you were with that you wanted a commitment and you went from dating to hanging out. If this is something that is important to you then it is something that should be important to the guy you are dating. If the guy you are dating doesn't feel this way as well then there are plenty of other guys out there that will respect you the way you deserve to be respected but no one can read minds and you need to be vocal about what you want and need.


-M

College Virgin?

Dear Mason:

I found your blog fascinating, and I read through every single entry over the last couple of days. However, I have an issue that I was hoping I could talk to you about.

I am a twenty-two-year-old college senior. I think I'm pretty attractive, I'm smart, I like football and baseball, and I have lots of guy friends. I don't have trouble getting dates, really...the trouble comes after.

This wasn't really an issue in high school, but since I came to college, I've had two seperate incidences that have left me a little shaken. Both times, up until this point, the relationships were smooth and fun...we went out on several dates, had a good time, a kiss goodnight at the front door, nothing more. The first relationship lasted about six weeks, my sophomore year of college. We went out every weekend and a couple of times each week. The night we broke up, he dropped me off at home, and then he realized he'd locked his housekey inside his apartment. So he wanted to wait at my place until his roommate came home to let him in. I agreed, turned on a movie, and we sat down to wait. Long story short, the movie turned into a makeout session (which hadn't ever happened before), and I stopped it before it got too far, because I felt that I needed to be honest with him. I'm a virgin.

It hadn't ever come up before, because I'd never been in a serious relationship. But he got mad at me, told me I'd led him on, and left. I never talked to him again.

At first, I thought that he was just a jerk, and I tried to put it out of my mind. But just this past fall, I encountered the same issue. This time, the "number" question came up, this time about three weeks into the relationship. When I told him that I'd never been with anyone else, he thought I was lying to him. I tried to explain, but the relationship quickly fizzed out, and by the end of that week, we were hardly talking.

So my question is this: I'm certainly not willing to throw my First Time away, so how do I talk about this without coming across as a liar or a tease?

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for your help!
-L

L,

First off, let me start off by saying that being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed about, it is something to be proud of. I have friends that are still virgins and I have nothing but the utmost respect for them. With that said, onto the questions.

First of all, you aren't a tease unless a guy expects sex and if a guy is expecting sex then he is probably not the guy for you. Ok, all guys want sex but the right guys won't mind waiting. If I met a girl that I was all about then I would have no qualms waiting to have sex with her until she felt comfortable. Like you said, "I'm certainly not willing to throw my First Time away" which is good because the right guy will understand and go at your speed. The guys that are getting mad and running away when they find out that you are a virgin are after the low hanging fruit. These guys are after the girls they can take out for a drink and then take back to their place for a night of debauchery.

Never think of your virginity as a bad thing. That is something you should be proud of. I'm not saying to go around and flaunt it at every opportunity but if I was a virgin I would for sure mention it within the first couple times of hanging out with a girl. The easiest way to bring it up in the future is to mention it early and playfully. I would bring it up in casual conversation and see how the guy reacts. If the guy's reaction is not what you want it to be then you have just saved yourself a lot of time. If it is what you want it to be then you can turn the conversation serious and go from there.

By any means, don't think of your virginity as a bad thing. It is something to be proud of and something you don't want to throw away.

The Other Man...And Woman

I am a married woman with two children. For several years I've watched my husband's activity on the internet and didn't like what I've been seeing. You have the usual things like searching porn, viewing movies, stories, etc., and trust me when I say I have no problem with these things. I would only check from time to time and it wasn't obsessive until I discovered an email from a woman whom he apparently had conversation with before and she was giving a quite detailed description of herself, sent pictures and proceeded to ask about him, even the sexual positions he liked. I was furious, and the first thing I did was load spyware on his computer. Boy oh boy did the plot thicken from there. The very first report I received showed where the hubby had been searching for local escorts, and had even typed her telephone number into a reverse phone lookup site to obtain her address....kind of strange huh? Anyway, without going into more detail, believe when I say it gets much, much worse.

I was miserable while plotting to catch my husband in action. I quit sleeping with him, and it was awful at home and I grew very, very, lonely. This went on for several months and I would sit at work and cry at night and think of doing anthing but going home. Then one day, a male friend of mine from work came by to say goodbye and noticed I had been crying. He asked if I was okay. I said yes, and he said it didn't look that way and he wanted to let me know he would be there if I needed to talk. As you can imagine, I took him up on the offer. Our friendship grew and I found myself confiding in him more and more. This man became my best friend, my lover, and I fell madly in love with him. He made me feel as though I was the only woman in the world. We had a great time together, and it was unbelievable how everything just clicked.......everything from being with each other and doing absolutely nothing to having the most incredible passionate sex.

This relationship lasted for 10 months and grew stronger day by day. Of course, due to the circumstances, our relationship we had some rocky moments. I was still a married woman planning my divorce, he thought he may lose his job and have to relocate, his fear of children, and many more. We made it through all of those bumps in the road and still the emotions grew deeper. Later, there was a bump we did not get over.....his old girlfriend.

He had apparently dated this girl for over a year before he chose to take a job here and had to move away. He begged her to come with him, but she could not leave her family. He had moved on and she tried, but she couldn't and then she proceeded to call him crying saying she couldn't do it. She was ready to move here with him and wanted another chance. To make a long story short, he chose to give her that chance. He said he felt like it was a duty, something he had to do, something he owed to her......something still to this day I can't figure out.

Anyway, he told me that he tried to keep his distance from me and not care too much because of the situation, but he cared for me deeply. He said he was confused and scared because he didn't know how to stop caring about me and start over with her. He wanted to remain friends with me, but an email, fueled with hurt and anger and filled with mean things that I didn't mean at all, basically ruined the friendship too. After that email, he said I hurt him and wasn't the kind of friend he needed and still to this day (4 months later) he won't talk to me. Our friendship was the strongest part and he was the best friend I've ever had. Yes, I was madly in love with him too, but the friendship by far was the best part. I've apologized numerous times and begged for his forgiveness, but still nothing.

Why did he feel like he owed this woman a chance? Did he love her? If so, why did he feel like it was a duty? Why did he say he cared deeply for me only to let me down and choose her in the end? How can I get over him? Now divorced, I'm scared to pursue another relationship. I'm scared I will fall deeply in love again, think everything clicks perfectly, and mis-read another man's true feelings leaving me broken hearted all over again. From a man's point of view, what do you think was going through his mind and heart?


C,

Wow, that is one intense story. Let me address your questions one by one. When him and his ex broke up it seems like there were no bitter feelings. He took a job and she didn't go with him. For whatever reason she didn't go with him he is going to feel like it is his fault they are not together and when you have that feeling it isn't easy to shake. The person responsible for the breakup usually never wants it in the first place. If this guy felt responsible because he took the job somewhere else then it means he didn't want the breakup to happen and still sees the girl as someone he wants to date but is unable to at the current time. Everyone has "That person", you know, the one you always have in the back of your mind and if they come back around you will jump through hoops to be with. I am assuming this girl was "that person", his so called kryptonite, if you will. He feels responsible for the breakup so again he would feel obligated to be with her again if she was always in the back of his mind.

Love her? Now that is a tough question. I bet you he will say he did love her at one point but if he did then why did he take the job? Shouldn't love take precedent? Being happy and in love should take the front seat to a job in another city when given an option but there are always exceptions. I can honestly say that I can not say whether he loved her or not.

The man probably did and still does care deeply for you but when his ex came around he was still carrying the guilt from leaving her behind. That is the reason he felt he owed it to her. It is almost as a, "first come first serve" rule. She was with him first and therefore he feels that obligation toward her. Kind of the same way that a girl has that weird attachment to her "first". There was no closure between them and everyone needs closure.

Getting over him means distancing yourself from him and everything that reminds you of him. You have to learn how to be single. Most importantly, you need to learn how to be single before you can even think about dating another man. It is my recommendation to anyone that they are 100% comfortable with being single before it is safe to get into another relationship.

You went from marriage directly into a relationship. That is completely not healthy dating practice. Whether you know it or not you did bring baggage into your relationship from your marriage and that too may have been a reason for the other man's sudden change of heart when his ex came.

You need to be single and comfortable with it. It is when we are single that we truly get to know ourselves and in getting to know ourselves we find out what we have to offer and that will help you dating life.

Space May Be The Case

Hi Mason,



My fiancé and I have been together almost 4 years in may. Last week we had a really big fight which turned alittle violent. My fiancé said that it was really over this time. We were supposed to be heading down to Melbourne last Tuesday. Obviously I’m still in Sydney. I can only assume he went to i Melbourne. I have had no contact with him since the argument. He came home and packed a suitcase. But he didn’t take all of his things. He spoke to our landlord on the Friday but didn’t mention anything about ending the lease. Hes still friends with me on facebook and all of his family too. His status still says engaged. I’m really confused I don’t know what too think. Part of me is thinking that this is usual rob walk out when things get bad and come back a few days later. And part of me is thinking that this is it. My question is if a guy wanted to leave and had the opportunity would he leave for good as quickly as possible?

-E

E,

I dont think this situation is guy specific. If anyone wanted to leave for good they would leave as soon as possible. There is no reason for someone to stay in a situation that they don't want to be in. I know that is a lot easier said than done because there are a lot of people that are in situations they don't want to be in and can't get out of. If a person has the opportunity to get out then do it!

This is the reason a lot of guys will sometimes intentionally pick fights with girls so they have a reason to walk away. I know I am guilty of this before. I was dating 2 girls and it was getting serious with both of them at the same time and they didn't know about each other. I had to pick between the 2 of them so I instigated a fight with one and then ended it.

On the other hand it just sounds like your guy needs some alone time. I don't care who you are or what relationship you are in. Everyone needs alone time sometime. When a fight happens, give the guy his space. Once the fumes from the fight start to die down then that is when you can really talk. Don't make rash decisions when you are in the heat of the moment.

Give the guy his space and then talk to him about it. No matter how bad the fight or what was said, you guys should remember the good times you have had and for that sake there needs to be some dialogue established.

Too Much, Too Fast

Dear Mason,

I fell for a guy at work. Even though he was in another city, we became good friends over the phone. He moved to where I stay in January and we started working in the same department.
We started talking almost daily. He used to call me every night, he took me to select a house for him too!

I finally confessed that I loved him and after a long silence of 10 days, he came back to me and said that he really likes me too but is not sure if he loves me. He said he needs some time to figure it out and that we should try seeing each other meantime.
We started going out and I was so happy!! I was very emotionally involved but he wasn't so emotionally involved. He would be great over sms or telephone but very aloof when we were together in person

However, just after three weeks, he said that he does not think it would work out! His reasons were that he doesn't think he cares for me too much and that he will never change as a person. He also said that the problem lies with him and not with me! I think these are just evasive tactics and that he simply didn't like me.

What I cant understand is how he could dump me in 3 weeks??

We were best friends before but now have completely stopped talking to each other. I dont know what to do now and how to handle this situation.
Most of all, I need answers to why he dumped me and what was so bad!

Please help! I have to see him everyday and it kills me

- Fat, Lonely and Sad

Fat, Lonely and Sad,

This sounds like a classic case of too much too fast. A relationship can only move as fast as the slowest person. Move too fast and you'll leave a great person behind. It sounds like you were already head over heals before he had a chance to evaluate the situation. Things should always move slowly. Confessing your love and then dating was the wrong progression of events.

He probably ended it because things were moving too fast. 3 weeks is way to fast to be completely emotionally invested for a guy. Guys emotions take longer to develop than girls and that's why girls see a lot of guys as non-committal. It's not that guys are non-committal, it's that when a girl moves too fast emotionally then it scares off the guy. I have personally been scared off a few times by girls like that and it's nothing against the girls. They were great girls, fun and attractive but too much too fast was too much for me.

This would be a hard one to save but if you think it's worth it then I would suggest the idea to him of dating as friends and taking things real slow. If something like this does happen then whatever you do, do not move faster than him. That would be a best case scenario but no matter what is said now, it won't take away that you did move too fast in the beginning.

He May Not Be That Into You

Hello Mason, saw your blog and wanted your insight (if I can!). I'm 35 and this guy is a 36-yr old bach. We actually knew each other in high school, lost touch and 'remet' just this past July on Facebook! It was crazy. He confessed to me that he had a crush on me in high school. Anyway, he lives in El Paso but is missing Chicago so bad since he moved to EP in April 2008. I flew out to EP in Oct to visit him and we had a great time. But look...

It seems lately, I'm getting a strange vibe on things with Adolfo. I realize I'm the one who sent HIM the nasty text message (on Oct 29th) Here we are mid-December now. He arrived in Chicago on T-giving and I went to his soccer game the next day. That's great. So the last time I saw him was Nov 29th and one of the last things I said was 'call me when you get back from your trip.' He replied 'I will.'. I even had asked him prior to that 'are you still angry with me?' (for sending that nasty text msg) And he said 'no'. (so I didn't dwell on that anymore.

He left for his Colombia trip on Dec 2nd and I know he came back to Chicago on Dec 10th. Now I never heard from him since he returned and I purposely called him yesterday morning and left the v/mail about the Willow Creek Christmas thing just to see if he would go OR what reason he would give me for not going. I know he wasn't lying about the grandma's party this weekend bec I remember when I was in El Paso, he showed me an email his aunt sent him inviting the family to this 'party'. I just seem to notice he seems 'distant' toward me even just in general. It's like he can't really make any extra 'time' to see me while he's here for a MONTH. He's here until Jan 5th. I know I saw him 3 weeks ago, but it just seems that you'd think he'd say 'Hey Melanie, I can't go this weekend, but let's get together next week.' Or something like that. I don't sense any real push for that. You know what I mean? The last thing on his v/mail was 'I'll try and give you a call this week.'

It makes it seem like it's a big effort to pick up the phone and he's right here in town. So it makes me feel like 'wow, I guess I'm really more easily to get a hold of when he's back in El Paso and things aren't as exciting.' Seriously. It's something I'm picking up on. I have prayed to God several times and asked him to show me if this person should be in my life and I am not sure what the answer is. I think it's bec I'm a little frustrated. I think by him coming back to Chicago it's kind of showing me a side of him I wouldn't see in El Paso? He's very nice to me and all, but I just get a 'feeling' that I can't shake. I think I should just pull back completely and not get so upset.

The BIG thing that is causing me to 'feel' this way is I truly believe he is still 'shopping' for a woman. I mean really, what guy would not keep his options open and be on the prowl if he's single and met someone who has a kid and isn't divorced yet? I almost wonder if that's why he's still single at 36 and only had one serious girlfriend since age 23. He is definitely into the bachelor life but occasionally wants the 'committed' life when maybe the wells are a little dry? Who knows who is with or what is really going on. What he's been up to on the weekends is kind of a mystery to me. Of the guy friends he has, most are married except a couple. The female best friend he has is married and so is the girl who just got married and we went to that wedding together in August. I just feel like Yes, he may really like me and could see himself with me, but on the other hand, I feel he is still out looking for 'something' and I don't know what that is. Like he can't just be satisfied. He wants to look and still dabble with the ladies. I've never been in a situation like this before and I guess I'm scared that just being 'around' and liking him and thinking he's out shopping. on the other hand, I wonder 'hmm, what if this guy is someone for me and if I just stop talking to him for no reason, I blow it?' So I think I need to cut myself off emotionally and just not care. Here's what I think I could do: he used to call me pretty much every week when we first started talking. I believe if the contact between us becomes far and few between on the phone calls that I should just not return the calls and let it go. I don't know but that alone could be a sign? Or is he just seeing what else is out there knowing I'll 'wait' since he knows I like him?

M,

Sounds like you know what is going on. To me it sounds like this guy just isn't that into you. If he was that into you he would be calling, trying to make time for you, and less mysterious. Sounds like you are around and convenient for when he wants to hang out but actually taking time out of whatever he is doing for you is out of the question.

You just need to cut things off before you become too attached. I'm not saying that you shouldn't hang out with him or see him but don't get emotionally attached. Don't get invested because it doesn't sound like he is. You should back off a bit and see if he comes to you. See if he will take the time to try to contact you. It says a lot about a guy when he won't contact a woman.

Maybe he is just shopping but it's been a few months now. When is the shopping going to end? That is if it ever ends. You need to get away from the idea that you can change him. Women always think they can change guys, then get emotionally invested and then get hurt. It's not worth it. The only person that can change a guy is the guy himself and if you haven't started to see that already then I hate to be the one to break it to you but it doesn't sound like it will happen.

Cut your losses and don't expect anything with this one. If you don't expect anything right now and something happens then it is just a welcome surprise when it does but as for right now it sounds like he just isn't that into you.

What If?

My question is whether a rejected guy has moved on for now, or for good. and also it right or wrong to to confess your love back to someone, a year later after they have just started to move on.

background information:

I am completely head over heels in love with my old roommate, and now friend who lives in another city. We always have the best time and the most fun together whenever he comes to visit. We've known eachother 5 years now, during which i had a baby from another relationship. Last christmas, he finally told me he was crazy about me, and has been for a while, that i turned his life upside down when he met me, he said he could move to my city after he finished school, he said the sweetest things ... then i said: not right now. because its too complicated! Living in different cities and me having a kid. i didn't mention that i was still in a controlling relationship that i was struggling to end once and for all. i told him i felt the same way but it would be better to be friends for now, until i got stable and more independent. I acted more distant so he wouldn't try to kiss me. In letters i would be more distant, because i was afraid he would try to come to my city. The truth is i was scared it wouldnt be the same if he came, he would feel bored or tied down to me if he did move here. all the while i felt like i was doing the right thing, because he is young and has a lot of living to do first, and i wasnt in a mental state to have another relationship.

its christmas again, and this year hes not coming to visit, and i hear second hand he just got a girlfriend. he hasnt told me personally anything, and hasnt written in a month. now i feel like an idiot becuase my sons a bit older, i broke with my ex, and i have been secretly hoping we could start where we left off and we could work something out this year. i am not jealous, just sad that i wont see him this year, and also really worried that this could be him gone forever. i can accept him having another girlfriend while i am not able to be with him. but i cant bear the thought of never being with him ever again. do you think now that hes moved on, he is over me? should i bring up the subject of us again, or do some gesture of love? is it selfish to do this when hes in new relationship, even when i believe its true love? what would he want me to do, let go or let him know im willing to give it a try?

thanks
selfishly in love


selfishly in love,

The easiest thing to do is just to be honest! He was honest with you once in the past and it didn't seem like it worked too well for him. After a guy confesses his true feelings like that and it goes nowhere then it is your job to make the next move after that. It is hard for a guy to confess something like that and even harder for him to confess it twice.

The girlfriend thing is expected. You don't live by him, you told him it wasn't the right time. There is no reason for him to go back home and then wait for you. Girlfriend or not it is good to let someone know how you feel. If it is meant for you two to be together then there will be a way but that way will not find itself unless you provide the catalyst. You need to let him know that you feel the same way. If things don't progress from there then at least you were able to get your feelings off your back.

Sounds like you rejected him and he moved on, as guys do. Guys are also creatures of habit so if he confessed his feelings before then there is a very strong chance he didn't lose those feelings, just stored them somewhere where he didn't have to deal with them everyday. If those feelings are there for him then it is going to take you to provoke those feelings again.

Honesty is always the best policy no matter what the situation is. Don't play games, don't beat around the bush. If he doesn't feel the same way anymore then you know you tried. It is better then looking back on this years later thinking, "What if". Everyone hates "What if's".

Too Soon?

Hey Mason,

My name is joss I find myself in a very awkward situation and I need
advice . I recently started tlkn to this guy that I wrk with we've gone
in one date nd out to lunch . This past sat I invited him to go with me
to an 18th bday party nd after that we went back to his place and ended
up sleeping with him . I knw it was too soon but now I feel like he's
going to lose interest in me or not like me anymore. He just got out
of a long term relationship nd told me he doesn't want anything
serious but I feel that maybe along the line we could work something out
, but now that I slept with him I dnt knw if he's going to want to.
What do you think?!

-j

j,

I see what you are getting at but just because you sleep with someone doesnt mean that they are going to lose interest. Most of the time, sex will build attraction. You have already hung out with him before you slept with him, you have gone on dates. It doesn't sound like a 1 night stand. Heck, even some 1 night stands turn into relationships.

I don't like to tell people to put a time limit or what not on how long they have to wait to have sex with someone. I think little unspoken rules like that are stupid. It is a firm belief of mine that you should do what you feel! If it feels right then go for it, never do anything you think you may regret. If you regret something then just remember at one point it was exactly what you wanted.

Don't think that sleeping with someone too soon is a bad thing because sometimes "too soon" is not too soon at all. If it feels right do it, never regret anything but take responsibility for your actions. Sometimes people have such a strong connection when they first meet that they end up sleeping with each other the first night and it progresses from there. Majority of guys are not assholes, majority of guys won't sleep with someone they have already gone on dates with and then just not call them.

Get out of the "Too Soon" frame of mind because at one point it was exactly what you wanted. Go with it and see what happens, if you guys end up being anything then at least you can say you tried.

Confidence Demands Attention

Mason,

I am a 30 year old married woman. I have been married for 10 wonderful years. Every year gets better and better with my husband. My question isn't about my husband, it's about myself and about men my age. My husband is 20+ years older than me. He tells me I'm beautiful every day and loves me unconditionally.

Yet, I am still a little insecure. It seems as though men my age or younger never look at me, I am totally off their radar. I have decided to go back to school and am now in a junior college filled will younger people than myself. I have tried to see if it's because of my shyness. For several days I made more eye contact and smiled more and I have tried to initiate small talk, in a non-flirtatious ways. I feel as though I am approachable, but I am usually pretty quiet and look down most of the time. I'm not interested in other men romantically, so is that it? If I'm off the market am I no longer attractive?

I feel embarrassed even asking the question. But I really wonder why. Am I unapproachable? Is there something wrong with me that makes me unattractive. I watch my weight, I wear nice clothes, I wear deodorant, I brush my teeth and my hair and I don't wear too much make-up, I don't soak in perfume. I would say that I have a classic hourglass body shape, a small belly, but I'm not fat by any means.

Older men have no problem in telling me that I am pretty or attractive or just simply looking. But men my age and younger don't seem to look twice unless they are somewhat mental. Why is this? I've always wanted to know, and it's been like this since I was sixteen.

Here are a few pictures, I would appreciate it if you would not post them on your blog, but please use them as reference to answer my question. I would also appreciate an honest answer, if I'm just not attractive to younger men please say so. Maybe it's because older men have lower standards (that's the only thing that I can think of).

C


C,

Let me start off by saying, after hearing what you said and looking at the pictures, there is no reason that men shouldn't find you attractive. This is coming from a 23 year old bachelor. That is not to say that just because a man finds you attractive it doesn't mean he will broadcast the fact.

I have noticed, more than ever now, things are changing and younger guys aren't blatantly complimenting or expressing interest in women that they know things aren't going to go nowhere with. I find many older women attractive but I don't stare, compliment or even press the issue. I take it for what it is and move on. Another thing I have noticed myself doing after reading your email was when I did see the attractive older women and then saw the ring they were wearing I would just turn off to them. This is strictly because I am a student of the "There are plenty of fish in the sea" theory and if 1 attractive woman is taken then there are 4 more behind her that are single.

Another thing I have noticed is that the classic beauties are having to compete with a lot of the fakeness that I see daily. I am talking about the fake blonde hair, fake boobs, makeup and push up bras. These are the girls who demand attention and by all means they get it even though I completely disagree with it.

Men mature at a later stage than women and the straight answer I can give is that the younger men aren't mature or confident enough to notice beauty and compliment on it without it being an issue. It does take a confident man to look at a woman and say, "You are very beautiful" A lot of younger guys will not even think about giving this compliment to a woman they do not know.

Do not let the lack of overly forward compliments from young men distress you or break your confidence. If you want to be sexy then it isn't completely based on your physical appearance. Confidence is one of the sexiest traits a girl can have. Yes, you can quote me, confidence is sexy. I can sniff out confidence a mile away and I have met many good looking girls who become unattractive to me because of their lack of confidence.

In closing, just because a guy doesn't look at you or compliment you, doesn't mean he didn't see you or thinks you're attractive. Keep your confidence, know you are beautiful and you will see other people will follow in suit. Confidence draws attention and demands it.

Holding Back?

Dear Mason,
I recently ended things with an ex due to his priorities being out of place, however we ended on good terms. We agreed to continue being friends, and we see eachother now and then. It has been 2 months since the break up. I put myself back out there,not looking for a relationship...just to have fun. Considering I am young, and I decided to see if there really was "more fish in the sea". I was proven right. Since then, I have had 7 guys be interested in me, and 3 others whom I am just getting to know. That being said, NONE of them interest me. They dont phase me. I still have very strong feelings for my ex, and really want to get back together. From time to time I think he wants the same thing. Others have told me I should tell him, but at the same time, I'm scared its too soon and he'll feel like I'm holding him back? Should I wait, or just go for the damn thing?

Thanks!
M

M,

When you spend so much time with the same person then that person grows on you. Yes, you are going on dates. Yes, other guys are interested. Yes, more guys will continue to be interested but what you are feeling is completely normal. Even if the relationship didn't end on good terms I'm pretty sure these feelings would still be there.

I guarantee he is feeling the same way whether he has said it or not. When 2 people share a relationship and that much time together then it is only natural to feel attached to that person like you right now.

The best way to approach anything is with honesty. Dating and relationships is no difference. (It took me way too long to figure that one out.) BE HONEST! If you feel something then embrace it, if you have feelings then share them, and never hold anything back. Four years from now do you want to be looking back and asking yourself, "What if?". You will never know what will happen until you throw yourself out there. Yes, it is a scary thing to do but you only live once. Never hold anything back and always embrace your feelings and be honest with them.

I say do it. If he doesn't feel the same way then it is better to know now then to be questioning it for the next 6 months. If he does feel the same way then more power to the both of you and everyone is happy!

Next Step Is A Stand Still?

Dearest Mason:

After being intimate with the same guy for seven months, I decided that it was time for the two of us to define what was going on between us. I’m the same confused girl from “Can We Make It More Obvious” and “Booty Calls: Not Just For 1 Night Stands,” and I became fed up with the lack of definition in our relationship. I sat him down a couple days ago and told him that it was necessary for us to decide what was going on between the two of us. I either wanted us to be exclusive, or we needed to stop hooking up. He told me that he didn’t think the two of us would be good as a couple, because I was too young, he was leaving to the Air Force in less than a year, he didn’t trust me to be exclusive and that we had underlying issues which would only be further agitated if we dated. I told him that was fine, and that I understood his points, but that I couldn’t be friends with him anymore because I couldn’t possibly separate my non-friendly feelings for him and my friendly feelings for him. He asked me for a hug before I left, and we said we’d miss each other. Right after I left, I received a text message from him asking me not to ignore him. I received another text message and he informed me of some inconsequential person arriving to a party he was at. The next day he sent me another text message asking me how I was doing, and later that night he sent that another text wishing me a good night. Then, he sent me another text message the day after informing me of some other inconsequential event. I don’t understand why he continues to contact me, and he continues to completely disregard my feelings. What’s going on and why does he keep doing this?!

M,

Ahhh, yes. This is a very common situation people get in and as a guy I have been in this as well. To put it simply, it sounds like the guy enjoys hanging out with you, hooking up with you and being with you but just doesn't want a relationship. He is perfectly content keeping the relationship you have with him where it is and not a step further.

Most guys will fill a girl's head with thoughts of relationships and wedding bells to keep a relationship moving, not moving forward, just moving. He doesn't want to move forward with a relationship and he doesn't want to be disconnected from you completely. It sounds like he is just ignoring what you are saying on purpose.

When I used to get in the same situation you are in, I would make excuses as to why a relationship wasn't a good idea. Sometimes I just ignored the topic all together. This will only lead to negativity when the girl wants a relationship and the guy is happy where he is because the girl starts to feel like her needs aren't being met when the guy is perfectly content. That is not a relationship, a relationship is not 50/50 anymore, it's 100/100.

After dealing with that situation a few times I found out how to deal with it with a way that works. Ready for it? HONESTY!!!! I found that when I was honest about what I wanted and how I felt, when I didn't fill girls' heads with ideas of relationships to get what I want then the type of relationship I have with these girls becomes more symbiotic. Unfortunately most guys still do the lying and the excuses because they don't say what they think or feel, they say what they think the girl wants to hear and most of the time they don't mean it. Now when the relationship talk comes up I have the same response every time, "I like how we are now. I have fun, you have fun, we have fun together. I don't want a relationship right now but I do enjoy hanging out with you and I think that keeping things the way they are would be just as fun." It's 50/50 with that but me being optimistic says that the 50% of girls that don't want to keep things the way they are end up being not for me anyways.

Oh sheesh, I hope I answered that question, I kind of went off on a tangent.

Stalk Much

Dear Mason,

I dated the guy for a few months. We were close, he dropped I Love You alot. I haven't been divorced for that long, so I wasn't ready for all that. I tried to communicate that I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. He didn't get it. It was finally just TOO much and I broke up with him completely. I was nice, I did it in person, I let him cry it out....I thought we'd move on. A week later he calls saying "I don't accept the break up, you're still my girlfriend". WTF. NO. A week goes by, more calls and texts to me, his girlfriend. I finally emailed, thinking if i put it in writing he'd get it, that we are NO LONGER DATING. sigh. Maybe I choose poorly but why don't guys just go away when you tell them to?

-P

P,

Wow, that sounds intense. First of all not ALL guys are like this. This guy just sounds like a VERY insecure guy. He most likely thinks that you are the best he can get or will ever have an doesn't want to let you go. You just need to ignore him and let him take a hint. No matter how he tries to contact you, just don't respond. You don't want him thinking that a response means you still care or that you are willing to work things out. The only way he is going to go away is if he forgets about you and to make that happen you need to ignore, ignore ignore.

You can see that you just got over it and no longer want to be with him and are no longer attracted to him in that way. Guys, on the other hand, see things differently. It takes a lot longer for a guy to lose that same attraction for a girl. It reminds me of lyrics from a 50 cent song, "I know if I can hit once, I can hit twice." (Wow, how low have I gone. I just quoted 50 cent.) This is the majority of mentality out of guys. If you hook up with a guy once then he will not understand why you won't do it again in the future. This sounds like your situation to the degree that your old boy can't figure out how you are not attracted to him. "If she was attracted to me before then she can be attracted to me again." It's a glass half full mentality. No guy ever wants to think of it as rejection and he will keep on thinking this and contacting you until he forgets about you or finds someone else.

Passive Or Aggressive

Hi Mason,

I've been divorced for almost three years and, within the past year, have actually had a bit of luck with online dating. I dated a few guys initially, then dated one guy steadily for about 6 months. I've learned the art of keeping my photo current and keeping those emails short and interesting, and guys almost always write back.

However, one problem that keeps happening repeatedly is this: A guy and I will email for a week or two (or three), he likes my photo, and everything seems fine, but the guy won't ask me out. If after a few emails the guy says he's into, say, surfing, I'd email him back and gently suggest an idea or two based on our emails, like, "Hey, I know you like to surf at Hermosa. Have you ever been to [insert name], that cool coffee bar by the beach? I hear it has a great view." He'll either say yes, I've heard of it, or no, I don't know about it, then never bring it up again.

BUT, the guy will keep on emailing, with the same tone, and with the same congeniality he had shown on the first email.... What's that about??

If a guy isn't into me, I can live with that -- let's move on and try again with someone else. But if a guy keeps emailing yet not making a move to get my number or meet up after I've spelled out I'm interested and even suggested places, then I don't get it.

Do you have any insight into this?

Signed,
Ms. V

Ms. V,

There are a couple reasons for this. Lets look at all of them.

Some of the guys on these online dating sites are NOT looking to hook up or date or what not. Some of them are perfectly fine with having an online pen pal and that is it. They enjoy the anonymity of being behind a computer and keyboard. They enjoy the reciprocation of conversation from the other side of the keyboard from someone they can believe is attracted to them who they don't need to meet because in their heads, a meeting will lead to rejection. This is why when you blatantly throw hints of interest and insinuate a meet they act like they don't know and continue with conversations.

On the other hand, some guys just don't get the blatantly obvious signs of attraction. Sometimes you have to grab the reigns and take charge and be the aggressor. If you see something you want then take charge and make it happen instead of dropping hints and waiting for a passive guy to ask you out or ask you for your number. Some guys just won't man up and take that step for fear of rejection.

Bottom line is, some guys aren't as aggressive as others. Sometimes a woman needs to take control and initiate something. If you feel like you are getting the run around then grab the bull by its horns and initiate something. Be the aggressor and you will start to see that the passive guys will just go away if they have no intentions of actually meeting you in person.

Numbers

Hey Mr. Mason Stanley,

Been reading your blog for a bit now and just curious what your opinion is on comparing 'numbers' with someone you are seeing. By numbers, I mean, the number of people you've slept with. I try to avoid it as long as possible, but sometimes when you see someone for awhile it does come up. If I straight out refuse to tell a number I think they assume it is very high(which it is) so I usually make up a much lower number. Making up a lower number is not usually a big deal, but what if I end up in a serious relationship with someone, end up getting married to him or something, do I then have to tell him the truth?
Example- I was with my last boyfriend for close to two years. In the beginning I knew he had only slept with 3 people before me, so I said my number was 8. I had to keep up with the lie for 2 years! Honestly, what would you think if you started dating a girl and her number was 10 times your number? I know what you are thinking, if you have to lie about something like that from the beginning maybe you shouldn't be with him, I've heard it many times from my girlfriends. If he really loved you he wouldn't care...blah blah blah. But most anyone I meet would care, and would judge me. That's just a fact.
The few times I have told the truth have not worked out very well for me. Guys are intimidated by my number. They start out saying it's no big deal, but as soon as things get sour it's the first thing they attack me with. I've had guys try to justify things they have done wrong in our relationship by using my past as an argument. Of course I quickly ditch them, but it just seems like everything was going so well until I fess up my number and everything falls apart.
I think part of my problem is that I am very outgoing and forward, but am attracted to the quiet, awkward, shy guys that usually have no game. It's kinda the opposites attract thing, I guess.

So...Do I keep lying or what?
Oh, and if you don't mind I'd love to read your opinion on a girl's number. How many is too many? etc.

G,

Ahhh, the numbers question, the question you ask when you want to see someone squirm or lie. Truth is, MOST people lie about their numbers and keep it up. I stay away from this question because I know the answer will be a lie and then it will get my wheels turning and it's something I don't want to think about. When I start getting serious with a girl, I don't ever like the number question. I feel the less I know about her dating past, the better for me. This is less for me to worry about, less for me to think about, and less to fight over. "Keep your history a mystery"

About lying to the numbers question, I would just avoid it all together. I think that is a stupid question and that it has no relevance to any relationship. I understand people want to know for health reasons but health concerns can be addressed in 1 test that any sexually active person should be getting at least every 6 months.

If you must say a number then I would be honest. If you aren't honest in the beginning then the past always has a habit of coming back to bite you in the butt.

Regarding a girls' number, I never ask. Of course every guy would want every girls number to be 0 but we don't live in that world. Most guys will think that any number above 10-15 would be too high but then again you have to take age into consideration. The older you get the higher your number will get as well.

The Boy Won't Talk

hi mason,

Here's my situation. My boyfriend and I recently broke up. We've known eachother for a while. About a year ago we got back together and it became a more serious relationship than it ever was before. Recently (about 3 weeks ago) he broke it off with me saying lately we've been more like best friends then a couple. He told me he loves me more than anything but he feels like he is missing out on something by having a girlfriend. I was crushed and angry and didn't talk to him for about a week before we went out and got coffee and just talked. I let him know i felt like he was lying and hiding something from me. He denies that but then again he won't tell me much more than what I just told you!
I feel like he's not telling me the whole truth because he doesn't want to hurt me. I don't know if it's another girl or if he needs his space or what. I feel so confused right now and cant get him off my mind because i don't know if he feels the way he says he does. My question is do you think his reasoning makes sense for why he broke up with me? Is it because he thought we were getting too serious and that scared him? Why would he break up with me if he claims to love me as much as he says?
I love him too and saw nothing wrong with our relationship which confuses me even more. He says he wants to stay best friends but i dont know how thats going to work! Why won't he be more open?!
One more question - If he comes back around and wants me back, would it be stupid of me for taking him back after all this? I feel like it would depend on the reason he broke up with me which i have no idea!

Any advice at all would be appreciated!!! thanks!


D,

It is very possible and highly probable that there is more that he isn't telling you. In my experience, it just sounds like he is exploring his options. Either way, you shouldn't be sitting around waiting for him regardless of his excuses.

Whether there is another girl or not, a guy that cares about you as much as you think he does would care enough about how you feel to explain everything to you. Leaving you in the dark is a cowardly way for him to go about his business. You need to take this time and not think about him. Get your mind off of him and find some distractions. Distractions should be your best friend right now. Go dancing with the girls, find a hobby, flirt with boys, whatever it is you need to not think about him.

The more you think about what he said and what he is not saying then the more distressed you will become and the more it will eat you up inside. I hate to say it but with the little information you were given you need to assume the worst and hope for the best.

If he does come back around, hopefully you won't be sitting there waiting. If he didn't give you too much information about why he was ending it then why would he give you information about what was going on when you were apart. It sucks to say but it is almost as if he is playing a game. You need to hop right on that train as well. You won't necessarily look stupid if you take him back but make sure you both are on the same page before you enter into anything with him again. It sounded like when he ended things you were on a separate page than him and that left you confused. It will take a lot of talking and communicating but that is what a relationship is all about.

As for now, live the single life, have fun, don't worry about what he did or what he says because actions speak louder than words and what he did should tell you all you need to know and remember, distractions, distractions, distractions.

Friends? Lovers? Friends That Love The Benefits

Ok.. so I have a "friend" that lives about an hour and 45 mins from me. I see him about 2x a month. We hang out and it's awesome. We just chill really well and it's never any pressure and the sex is SPECTACULAR. He has made recent comments about us living in marital bliss on the weekends. Kinda weird as he freaked out 5 months ago b/c he thought I wanted more than he was willing to give.... in boy terms, he wanted to make sure I didn't want a relationship. Which I'm fine with not having.. trust me. (well at least for right now. I'm sure, sometime in the future I'll want something) He just sent me a message tonight about us being lovers. I have always referred to him as my FWB (friend with benefits). Is there a difference here between FWB and a Lover?

Thanks,
MW

MW,

All guys are different, to a sensitive guy there would be a difference between friends with benefits and lovers. Then again, the sensitive guy wouldn't like the idea of friends with benefits and would want a relationship.

Personally I think there is no difference when I say friends with benefits and lover. Of course, I am not going to tell people about my new squeeze and refer to her as my lover but to the squeeze I wouldn't think it is a big deal at all to refer to her as my lover.

Confused yet? Good, lets keep going. I think you are looking too far into this and that he meant nothing by it. Both of you are having a good time and enjoying each others physical company and it sounds like the frame work is pretty much set on friends with benefits so when he refers to you as his lover it means nothing. It's not like he is running around telling all his friends that he is in love.

Bottom line, don't look too far into it. Sometimes guys say a lot of stupid stuff that girls misconstrue because guys think it's what a girl wants to hear and then in the end it just leaves the girl a confused mess. FWB is just that, friends, so have fun with it and don't look too far into anything he says, guys are one track thinkers and you will only confuse yourself trying to find meaning in a guys words.

Are You Interested?

Hi Mason,

What "signs" do guys give off regarding their level of interest? I, like many, seem unable to differentiate between friendly interest, a one-night stand interest, and a romantic interest. For instance, I was recently away from home on a business trip and only picked up that this guy was interested in more than just conversation when he invited me back up to his room. Do guys, in general, even begin conversations knowing what kind of interest they have, or is it developed through time?

Thanks!

L

L,

Wow, this is an awesome question. Lets see if I can answer the whole thing. There are different types of interest in different scenarios, at least for me it is that way. Type and levels of interest also are based hugely on the guy. You have your relationship type guys that see girls in terms of relationships. These guys will express their interest in more of an old fashion way. They will try to arrange a lot more one on one time, dates, movie nights, whatever it may be. He will also be into you which means he is interested in what you say, what you do, and just you as a person rather than just you physically. You can tell when a guy is truly interested in you when a lot of the one on one time happens before any sex. That's not to say there isn't any fooling around.

You then have the guys that are interested in girls and girls in general. Whether it be you or the next girl, they are interested in the physical and try to get to that part as soon as possible. These guys are capable of relationships and may try to slow things down for a girl they think they can be in a relationship with but the faster a guy tries to go for sex, the more you know it is strictly a physical thing. That isn't to say relationships haven't been built after sex started but that type of guy would shy away from a relationship because he already has what he wants.

I like to think of myself as the happy medium between the two. I am always meeting new girls and in the back of my head I am thinking relationship but when that dream dies then I can still have the girl around. Without lying or promising a relationship, we simply hang out and 'have fun'.

Some guys will start a conversation with one thing on their mind and they know exactly what they want before they even talk to you. There is a saying, "Girls know if they can see themselves sleeping with a guy 3 minutes after talking to him for the first time. Guys know if they can see themselves sleeping with a girl 3 minutes before he talks to her for the first time." Bottom line, most guys are interested in sex but it's getting them interested in something more after the sex that requires the personality.

In general a guy beginning a conversation with a girl will be interested physically. If a guy starts a conversation with you and you say, "Lets go back to your place." 9 times out of 10 he will say yes. By beginning a conversation with a girl the guy is already expressing interest but by not actually knowing the girl he is only expressing his physical interest.

From there the type of interest will be developed based on the interaction that follows. As I always say, "It is the looks that will make me talk to a girl but it is her personality that will keep me interested."

Can We Make It More Obvious

Hey there Mason,


I’ve already sent you an email before inquiring about my situation (Booty Calls: Not Just For 1 Night Stands.) I have yet another dilemma, I decided that it would be a bad idea to date this guy, so the next time he asked me what was going on between us I told him that I had feelings for him and that I loved hanging out with him, but that I just didn’t think it would be a good idea to date him at the current time, and that sleeping with him just further confused me. He agreed and said he thought it would end badly if we dated, he liked the fact that we had no commitment, and that there was a large age difference (we’re five years apart.) As he was driving me home I told him that I didn’t want him to think that I was hurt or anything, and he said that I had made it pretty clear to him that I didn’t want a relationship with him, I retorted that I really could have gone either way, but that the points he had stated earlier that night were valid. Since then, things have progressed normally…he still contacts me daily asking how I’m doing, we still hang out, and we’re constantly with each other, and throughout everything he has consistently honored my request of no longer having sex anymore. My birthday came, and he took me to dinner and a concert in the city where he didn’t let me pay for anything, and he even bought me a tiara for my birthday. Later that night he wanted me to go to his house to hang out and watch a movie, but I headed home anyways…the next morning (which was my actual birthday) I received a vase filled with pink roses from him and a note wishing me a wonderful birthday. I’m not really sure what’s going on…does he have feelings for me and want something more…or is he just being friendly? I’m really confused…please help me!

-M

M,

Duhhhh!! Of course this guy has feelings for you. He has such feelings for you that he is honoring your request of not sleeping together! Most guys in this situation would honor the girls request by not talking to the girl anymore and moving on. I have done this a few time myself!

How do I put it into words that you can understand... It's basic guy thought, "It happened once, it can happen again." That is the normal thought process so he is sticking around waiting for something to reignite because it happened once so it can happen again. The guy is giving you your space in hopes you will think, "This guy is honoring my requests, he is so sweet, maybe he is a guy I can see myself dating."

Think of it as the classic, "I have a crush on my best friend" syndrome. That is how he is towards you. The guy is obviously romantically interested in you and is just respecting your wishes to not sleep together... for right now, because that's how he is thinking. If he thought there was no chance of anything ever then he would not be doing all this stuff for you.

Bottom line is the guy is interested, he has feelings for you, he wants to be with you, however you wanna say it. THE GUY HAS A THING FOR YOU!

Distract Yourself So He Doesn't

Dear Mason:

I need some good solid advice and a truthful point of view from a male who has been there (hopefully). So here it goes.

My boyfriend and I met our sophomore year of college and sparks flew for 3 years. Here we are now on a break. It was his idea because he thinks that at 22 years old we need to see what else is out there, experience life, be single for a while, feel free etc. He thinks it would be beneficial for both of us to go and see what else is out there now and he thinks this break is the best thing for both of us in the long run. I agree and I don't agree. I miss him INCREDIBLY, it takes up my entire mind no matter what I do to move on. I have even taken his words and applied them to my life and have gone out with 2 different guys, neither really did much for me, not because I was comparing them to him but there was just no or little connection on my part. This is hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I get panic attacks about him not coming back to me thinking if he ends things for good it will be the biggest mistake of his life and it will ruin mine because I believe we are meant for each other.

Anyways, I know he misses me and misses us because he told me. I haven't contacted him at all because I know it would be wrong to contact him. But he has emailed me and texted me a few times to see how I am doing and he has spoken to my friends to get advice on whether they think he did the wrong thing or not, so CLEARLY he is confused. I mean I know he is confused because his words are "I'm enjoying being single at the moment, I can see the allure in it but to make things complicated I miss us as a couple and I miss you."

Now I don't know what to do with myself. I am REALLY trying to move on without him (assuming he isn't going to come back). Oh and one more thing, he put a time frame on this. He wants to re-evaluate things in October to see where we are both at. I am not counting on anything and am really trying to forget about him but I still check his facebook, I look at old e-mails (he told me he does too) etc. So it's hard plus I am waiting to start my new job so I have a lot of down time so I think a lot.

Now from my perspective I don't think a serious relationship is what I need right now. I'm starting a new job, looking at grad schools (and we are both recent graduates so that adds to the mix of everything being new so maybe he thinks he needs to start fresh or something). But I do miss him in my life as my best friend, my boyfriend etc. I would be willing to take things slow with him (like not jump right back into a relationship but just go out and not have a set day to see each other every week, but just play it by ear, day by day kinda thing).

This is so incredibly hard for me. It feels like I am just stuck, waiting. But I really am trying to get on with my life while he figures out stuff. I really think he would be throwing away something really really special because what we have is amazing and he just wants to see if the grass is greener pretty much.

What do you think of all this? Could he come back?


Thanks for your help

L

L,

This could go both ways. He could get a taste of the single life that he hasn't had for 3 years and then go wild with the boys and enjoy being single, or he will realize that a relationship was the way to go and be back in a second. It really is hard to tell when he put a time limit on it.

It is good that you are keeping from talking to him but what you need are distractions. Distractions will keep your mind off of him and also help you let loose a little bit too. Go dancing with your girlfriends, flirt with boys (you don't need to do anything but flirting is always fun), go away for the weekend, find a hobby, do whatever it is that you want to do that a relationship wouldn't allow you to do.

After 3 years of being in a serious relationship, especially at your age, you identify a lot of who you are with that relationship. Don't focus on the break being a bad thing because it is not. You should be using this time as time for yourself to find out more about you. You have been in a relationship for 3 years that being single is kind of a shock. Now you have no one to check in with, no one to call when you wake up, no one to call before you go to bed, no one to be lazy with, you are single and only have to worry and care for yourself right now. Use the time productively and find out who you are and what you have to offer. Experience new things because you may never have the chance again.

I am not saying to go out and get wild with boys but use this time to find yourself and meet new people and flirt with new boys. Use this time as a learning experience, you may end up finding out that you are missing out on something that you never knew.

The more you have fun and enjoy yourself on this 'break', the more your boyfriend will want to be with you. Don't mope around, go out there and have fun. Distractions, distractions, distractions!!

All The Eggs In One Basket

My story is entirely different from anything I've ever read or seen........and entirely too long to type out.

Basically, I've been in love with someone for 2 years who has been unavailable to me due to mostly reasons beyond our control....there was a time where he was my 'boss' and we were worried for his life (literally) because of the people he/we were involved with, and the amount of money at stake....through this, there were trials of trust and friendship that I can't even begin to describe...

I have poured my heart out to him twice now, and both times he told me that it wasn't the right time...that time will tell...but he can't right now...blah blah blah, yet won't let me forget about him even though I moved 2500 miles away...

I will be moving back in 6 weeks, but he doesn't know that yet.

He has taken better care of me than any other man in my life, and I care for him for all the right reasons...and through all of this, we only 'messed around' ONE time (which was when I came home for a visit last Christmas, AFTER I'd poured my heart out for the 2nd time back in October over the phone)...and we never slept together. When I lived [there], he would periodically do completely random acts of love.......or at least thats what I conceived these acts to be.....yet never tried to take advantage of me or anything of that nature.

The thing of it is, he's ruined my life! I haven't met anyone that even remotely compares to him, or that I would like to spend time with...should I just assume he will never give in and be with me and treat him as a platonic and/or business friend, or should I give it some time after I move back? He has never given me a straight answer to anything........except, "Not now".

How long is long enough to wait around for someone before making the decision for them and cutting them out of your life?

By the way, I'm 23 and he's 26.

Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Julie

Julie,

Just from that letter and what you said, I wouldn't be surprised if he was gay. Most likely I am completely wrong but I entertained that thought while reading your letter.

You should never wait around for someone. By waiting around you are missing so many opportunities that come by. Yes, he is always in the back of your mind but can the next guy you go on a date with be the one? You would never know because of that thought of you possibly getting with the one you are thinking about. It will just cloud your mind and help you make irrational decisions.

If a man wanted to be with a woman it would happen. "Not now", is just an excuse to prolong making a decision. If you really cared about someone you would give them a straight answer and not let them hang on the ropes waiting.

My advice is to not stress on the situation. Yes, he is a great guy. Yes, you do have feelings for him and would like to be with him but why press the issue?? How would you feel if he told you tomorrow that he didn't want to be with you. You would have spent all the time "waiting around" in vain and it would have meant nothing but you have to entertain that as a possibility as well. Basically, don't put all your eggs in one basket. If something is going to happen then it will. Pressing the issue with him won't do anything except hurt you in the long run because of all that you are missing out on waiting around.

You don't need to move on, just don't count on something that isn't a for sure thing. The more effort you put into him before you even know he shares the feelings, the more you have to lose. Be careful and keep that on the back burner and entertain other options now.