Guys Can't Read Minds

Hi
i stumbled onto your blog when i was searching the internet for advice.

I don't have a problem getting attention from guys. Without sounding arrogant, it comes quite easily - guys find me attractive and i'm good at flirting etc.

The problem i have is getting a boyfriend.

I'm 18 years old and still a virgin. not because i havent had the oppurtunity to lose it but i want it to be with a guy who is committed to me and i seem to struggle to get guys to stay interested and want to be exclusive with me.

After almost 2 years of being messed around by a guy who never went out with me - we just kissed when we were drunk at parties (looking back i realise i made myself far too available to him), i was so excited when i met this guy called greg. He's a couple of years older than me and started taking me out for dinner and drinks - very sweet. He messaged me every day consistently. I also stayed at his house a lot did a lot but never went all the way because he never said anything about commitment to me.

A couple of months have passed now, he's back at uni and we see each other every so often when he comes back to london. He's far less consistent, cancels on me, never calls - just texts, sees me at night but doesnt take me out, essentially i've become a booty call (without the sex ha).

With the guy before him, he also started out being really keen and it fizzled out. There is definitely a pattern developing!

What am i doing wrong?

Any advice you could offer would be much appreciated as you seem to be writing really good stuff on your blog.

Thanks,
K


K,

First of all, I think you have been watching way too many romantic movies. Guys these days don't act like they do in the movies. Chivalry isn't dead, it has just been updated and translated. You can not wait for a guy to do EVERYTHING. This is a huge mistake and it will only turn out for the worst.

You can not confuse playing hard to get with being impossible to get. This is a big mistake that a lot of girls make. They don't want to be too easy so they play what they think is hard to get when in reality they are playing impossible to get. This can be explained using the, "Cat String Theory". Dangle a string in front of a cat and it will jump to get the string. Pull the string away and the cat will pursue the string as long as this continues under one condition. The string is attainable. Move the string too far out of the grasp of the cat and the cat will become unwilling to pursue. Don't move the string and the cat will become bored with it once it has it. It is a constant push pull, all the while maintaining a balance of letting the cat have the string and taking it away from the cat.

This same principle applies to us! Just like you were doing with the older guy that was taking you out. You thought you made yourself, "Far too available" for the guy that you were into for 2 years. Now, you think to yourself that you aren't going to make the same mistake with this guy, so you do the complete opposite. Instead of leaving the string in front of him, you never let him know it was attainable. A guy will court a girl as long as he thinks it is going somewhere. We are not taking you out so we can get out of the house for the night, we have guy friends for that. Once a guy thinks that his efforts in courting a girl are exhausted and he is bound for endless dates and make-out slumber parties, of course he is going to start detaching and moving on.

Let me go over that one more time just in case you missed the point. A guy will continue as long as he is under the impression something is developing. This DOES NOT mean you have to sleep with him immediately. This means if the past 5 dates ended in you guys making out in the car before going home alone, don't hold your breath for a 6th. Dating is DIFFERENT that hanging out:

Dating: is a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse.

Hanging Out: To socialize with your friends, whether it is of your choosing or not; most of the time the term is uesd to refer to a type of fun.

From what you told me, it sounds like you never told any of the guys you were with that you wanted a commitment and you went from dating to hanging out. If this is something that is important to you then it is something that should be important to the guy you are dating. If the guy you are dating doesn't feel this way as well then there are plenty of other guys out there that will respect you the way you deserve to be respected but no one can read minds and you need to be vocal about what you want and need.


-M