The Other Man...And Woman

I am a married woman with two children. For several years I've watched my husband's activity on the internet and didn't like what I've been seeing. You have the usual things like searching porn, viewing movies, stories, etc., and trust me when I say I have no problem with these things. I would only check from time to time and it wasn't obsessive until I discovered an email from a woman whom he apparently had conversation with before and she was giving a quite detailed description of herself, sent pictures and proceeded to ask about him, even the sexual positions he liked. I was furious, and the first thing I did was load spyware on his computer. Boy oh boy did the plot thicken from there. The very first report I received showed where the hubby had been searching for local escorts, and had even typed her telephone number into a reverse phone lookup site to obtain her address....kind of strange huh? Anyway, without going into more detail, believe when I say it gets much, much worse.

I was miserable while plotting to catch my husband in action. I quit sleeping with him, and it was awful at home and I grew very, very, lonely. This went on for several months and I would sit at work and cry at night and think of doing anthing but going home. Then one day, a male friend of mine from work came by to say goodbye and noticed I had been crying. He asked if I was okay. I said yes, and he said it didn't look that way and he wanted to let me know he would be there if I needed to talk. As you can imagine, I took him up on the offer. Our friendship grew and I found myself confiding in him more and more. This man became my best friend, my lover, and I fell madly in love with him. He made me feel as though I was the only woman in the world. We had a great time together, and it was unbelievable how everything just clicked.......everything from being with each other and doing absolutely nothing to having the most incredible passionate sex.

This relationship lasted for 10 months and grew stronger day by day. Of course, due to the circumstances, our relationship we had some rocky moments. I was still a married woman planning my divorce, he thought he may lose his job and have to relocate, his fear of children, and many more. We made it through all of those bumps in the road and still the emotions grew deeper. Later, there was a bump we did not get over.....his old girlfriend.

He had apparently dated this girl for over a year before he chose to take a job here and had to move away. He begged her to come with him, but she could not leave her family. He had moved on and she tried, but she couldn't and then she proceeded to call him crying saying she couldn't do it. She was ready to move here with him and wanted another chance. To make a long story short, he chose to give her that chance. He said he felt like it was a duty, something he had to do, something he owed to her......something still to this day I can't figure out.

Anyway, he told me that he tried to keep his distance from me and not care too much because of the situation, but he cared for me deeply. He said he was confused and scared because he didn't know how to stop caring about me and start over with her. He wanted to remain friends with me, but an email, fueled with hurt and anger and filled with mean things that I didn't mean at all, basically ruined the friendship too. After that email, he said I hurt him and wasn't the kind of friend he needed and still to this day (4 months later) he won't talk to me. Our friendship was the strongest part and he was the best friend I've ever had. Yes, I was madly in love with him too, but the friendship by far was the best part. I've apologized numerous times and begged for his forgiveness, but still nothing.

Why did he feel like he owed this woman a chance? Did he love her? If so, why did he feel like it was a duty? Why did he say he cared deeply for me only to let me down and choose her in the end? How can I get over him? Now divorced, I'm scared to pursue another relationship. I'm scared I will fall deeply in love again, think everything clicks perfectly, and mis-read another man's true feelings leaving me broken hearted all over again. From a man's point of view, what do you think was going through his mind and heart?


C,

Wow, that is one intense story. Let me address your questions one by one. When him and his ex broke up it seems like there were no bitter feelings. He took a job and she didn't go with him. For whatever reason she didn't go with him he is going to feel like it is his fault they are not together and when you have that feeling it isn't easy to shake. The person responsible for the breakup usually never wants it in the first place. If this guy felt responsible because he took the job somewhere else then it means he didn't want the breakup to happen and still sees the girl as someone he wants to date but is unable to at the current time. Everyone has "That person", you know, the one you always have in the back of your mind and if they come back around you will jump through hoops to be with. I am assuming this girl was "that person", his so called kryptonite, if you will. He feels responsible for the breakup so again he would feel obligated to be with her again if she was always in the back of his mind.

Love her? Now that is a tough question. I bet you he will say he did love her at one point but if he did then why did he take the job? Shouldn't love take precedent? Being happy and in love should take the front seat to a job in another city when given an option but there are always exceptions. I can honestly say that I can not say whether he loved her or not.

The man probably did and still does care deeply for you but when his ex came around he was still carrying the guilt from leaving her behind. That is the reason he felt he owed it to her. It is almost as a, "first come first serve" rule. She was with him first and therefore he feels that obligation toward her. Kind of the same way that a girl has that weird attachment to her "first". There was no closure between them and everyone needs closure.

Getting over him means distancing yourself from him and everything that reminds you of him. You have to learn how to be single. Most importantly, you need to learn how to be single before you can even think about dating another man. It is my recommendation to anyone that they are 100% comfortable with being single before it is safe to get into another relationship.

You went from marriage directly into a relationship. That is completely not healthy dating practice. Whether you know it or not you did bring baggage into your relationship from your marriage and that too may have been a reason for the other man's sudden change of heart when his ex came.

You need to be single and comfortable with it. It is when we are single that we truly get to know ourselves and in getting to know ourselves we find out what we have to offer and that will help you dating life.