Hi Mason,
I've been divorced for almost three years and, within the past year, have actually had a bit of luck with online dating. I dated a few guys initially, then dated one guy steadily for about 6 months. I've learned the art of keeping my photo current and keeping those emails short and interesting, and guys almost always write back.
However, one problem that keeps happening repeatedly is this: A guy and I will email for a week or two (or three), he likes my photo, and everything seems fine, but the guy won't ask me out. If after a few emails the guy says he's into, say, surfing, I'd email him back and gently suggest an idea or two based on our emails, like, "Hey, I know you like to surf at Hermosa. Have you ever been to [insert name], that cool coffee bar by the beach? I hear it has a great view." He'll either say yes, I've heard of it, or no, I don't know about it, then never bring it up again.
BUT, the guy will keep on emailing, with the same tone, and with the same congeniality he had shown on the first email.... What's that about??
If a guy isn't into me, I can live with that -- let's move on and try again with someone else. But if a guy keeps emailing yet not making a move to get my number or meet up after I've spelled out I'm interested and even suggested places, then I don't get it.
Do you have any insight into this?
Signed,
Ms. V
Ms. V,
There are a couple reasons for this. Lets look at all of them.
Some of the guys on these online dating sites are NOT looking to hook up or date or what not. Some of them are perfectly fine with having an online pen pal and that is it. They enjoy the anonymity of being behind a computer and keyboard. They enjoy the reciprocation of conversation from the other side of the keyboard from someone they can believe is attracted to them who they don't need to meet because in their heads, a meeting will lead to rejection. This is why when you blatantly throw hints of interest and insinuate a meet they act like they don't know and continue with conversations.
On the other hand, some guys just don't get the blatantly obvious signs of attraction. Sometimes you have to grab the reigns and take charge and be the aggressor. If you see something you want then take charge and make it happen instead of dropping hints and waiting for a passive guy to ask you out or ask you for your number. Some guys just won't man up and take that step for fear of rejection.
Bottom line is, some guys aren't as aggressive as others. Sometimes a woman needs to take control and initiate something. If you feel like you are getting the run around then grab the bull by its horns and initiate something. Be the aggressor and you will start to see that the passive guys will just go away if they have no intentions of actually meeting you in person.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Numbers
Hey Mr. Mason Stanley,
Been reading your blog for a bit now and just curious what your opinion is on comparing 'numbers' with someone you are seeing. By numbers, I mean, the number of people you've slept with. I try to avoid it as long as possible, but sometimes when you see someone for awhile it does come up. If I straight out refuse to tell a number I think they assume it is very high(which it is) so I usually make up a much lower number. Making up a lower number is not usually a big deal, but what if I end up in a serious relationship with someone, end up getting married to him or something, do I then have to tell him the truth?
Example- I was with my last boyfriend for close to two years. In the beginning I knew he had only slept with 3 people before me, so I said my number was 8. I had to keep up with the lie for 2 years! Honestly, what would you think if you started dating a girl and her number was 10 times your number? I know what you are thinking, if you have to lie about something like that from the beginning maybe you shouldn't be with him, I've heard it many times from my girlfriends. If he really loved you he wouldn't care...blah blah blah. But most anyone I meet would care, and would judge me. That's just a fact.
The few times I have told the truth have not worked out very well for me. Guys are intimidated by my number. They start out saying it's no big deal, but as soon as things get sour it's the first thing they attack me with. I've had guys try to justify things they have done wrong in our relationship by using my past as an argument. Of course I quickly ditch them, but it just seems like everything was going so well until I fess up my number and everything falls apart.
I think part of my problem is that I am very outgoing and forward, but am attracted to the quiet, awkward, shy guys that usually have no game. It's kinda the opposites attract thing, I guess.
So...Do I keep lying or what?
Oh, and if you don't mind I'd love to read your opinion on a girl's number. How many is too many? etc.
G,
Ahhh, the numbers question, the question you ask when you want to see someone squirm or lie. Truth is, MOST people lie about their numbers and keep it up. I stay away from this question because I know the answer will be a lie and then it will get my wheels turning and it's something I don't want to think about. When I start getting serious with a girl, I don't ever like the number question. I feel the less I know about her dating past, the better for me. This is less for me to worry about, less for me to think about, and less to fight over. "Keep your history a mystery"
About lying to the numbers question, I would just avoid it all together. I think that is a stupid question and that it has no relevance to any relationship. I understand people want to know for health reasons but health concerns can be addressed in 1 test that any sexually active person should be getting at least every 6 months.
If you must say a number then I would be honest. If you aren't honest in the beginning then the past always has a habit of coming back to bite you in the butt.
Regarding a girls' number, I never ask. Of course every guy would want every girls number to be 0 but we don't live in that world. Most guys will think that any number above 10-15 would be too high but then again you have to take age into consideration. The older you get the higher your number will get as well.
Been reading your blog for a bit now and just curious what your opinion is on comparing 'numbers' with someone you are seeing. By numbers, I mean, the number of people you've slept with. I try to avoid it as long as possible, but sometimes when you see someone for awhile it does come up. If I straight out refuse to tell a number I think they assume it is very high(which it is) so I usually make up a much lower number. Making up a lower number is not usually a big deal, but what if I end up in a serious relationship with someone, end up getting married to him or something, do I then have to tell him the truth?
Example- I was with my last boyfriend for close to two years. In the beginning I knew he had only slept with 3 people before me, so I said my number was 8. I had to keep up with the lie for 2 years! Honestly, what would you think if you started dating a girl and her number was 10 times your number? I know what you are thinking, if you have to lie about something like that from the beginning maybe you shouldn't be with him, I've heard it many times from my girlfriends. If he really loved you he wouldn't care...blah blah blah. But most anyone I meet would care, and would judge me. That's just a fact.
The few times I have told the truth have not worked out very well for me. Guys are intimidated by my number. They start out saying it's no big deal, but as soon as things get sour it's the first thing they attack me with. I've had guys try to justify things they have done wrong in our relationship by using my past as an argument. Of course I quickly ditch them, but it just seems like everything was going so well until I fess up my number and everything falls apart.
I think part of my problem is that I am very outgoing and forward, but am attracted to the quiet, awkward, shy guys that usually have no game. It's kinda the opposites attract thing, I guess.
So...Do I keep lying or what?
Oh, and if you don't mind I'd love to read your opinion on a girl's number. How many is too many? etc.
G,
Ahhh, the numbers question, the question you ask when you want to see someone squirm or lie. Truth is, MOST people lie about their numbers and keep it up. I stay away from this question because I know the answer will be a lie and then it will get my wheels turning and it's something I don't want to think about. When I start getting serious with a girl, I don't ever like the number question. I feel the less I know about her dating past, the better for me. This is less for me to worry about, less for me to think about, and less to fight over. "Keep your history a mystery"
About lying to the numbers question, I would just avoid it all together. I think that is a stupid question and that it has no relevance to any relationship. I understand people want to know for health reasons but health concerns can be addressed in 1 test that any sexually active person should be getting at least every 6 months.
If you must say a number then I would be honest. If you aren't honest in the beginning then the past always has a habit of coming back to bite you in the butt.
Regarding a girls' number, I never ask. Of course every guy would want every girls number to be 0 but we don't live in that world. Most guys will think that any number above 10-15 would be too high but then again you have to take age into consideration. The older you get the higher your number will get as well.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
The Boy Won't Talk
hi mason,
Here's my situation. My boyfriend and I recently broke up. We've known eachother for a while. About a year ago we got back together and it became a more serious relationship than it ever was before. Recently (about 3 weeks ago) he broke it off with me saying lately we've been more like best friends then a couple. He told me he loves me more than anything but he feels like he is missing out on something by having a girlfriend. I was crushed and angry and didn't talk to him for about a week before we went out and got coffee and just talked. I let him know i felt like he was lying and hiding something from me. He denies that but then again he won't tell me much more than what I just told you!
I feel like he's not telling me the whole truth because he doesn't want to hurt me. I don't know if it's another girl or if he needs his space or what. I feel so confused right now and cant get him off my mind because i don't know if he feels the way he says he does. My question is do you think his reasoning makes sense for why he broke up with me? Is it because he thought we were getting too serious and that scared him? Why would he break up with me if he claims to love me as much as he says?
I love him too and saw nothing wrong with our relationship which confuses me even more. He says he wants to stay best friends but i dont know how thats going to work! Why won't he be more open?!
One more question - If he comes back around and wants me back, would it be stupid of me for taking him back after all this? I feel like it would depend on the reason he broke up with me which i have no idea!
Any advice at all would be appreciated!!! thanks!
D,
It is very possible and highly probable that there is more that he isn't telling you. In my experience, it just sounds like he is exploring his options. Either way, you shouldn't be sitting around waiting for him regardless of his excuses.
Whether there is another girl or not, a guy that cares about you as much as you think he does would care enough about how you feel to explain everything to you. Leaving you in the dark is a cowardly way for him to go about his business. You need to take this time and not think about him. Get your mind off of him and find some distractions. Distractions should be your best friend right now. Go dancing with the girls, find a hobby, flirt with boys, whatever it is you need to not think about him.
The more you think about what he said and what he is not saying then the more distressed you will become and the more it will eat you up inside. I hate to say it but with the little information you were given you need to assume the worst and hope for the best.
If he does come back around, hopefully you won't be sitting there waiting. If he didn't give you too much information about why he was ending it then why would he give you information about what was going on when you were apart. It sucks to say but it is almost as if he is playing a game. You need to hop right on that train as well. You won't necessarily look stupid if you take him back but make sure you both are on the same page before you enter into anything with him again. It sounded like when he ended things you were on a separate page than him and that left you confused. It will take a lot of talking and communicating but that is what a relationship is all about.
As for now, live the single life, have fun, don't worry about what he did or what he says because actions speak louder than words and what he did should tell you all you need to know and remember, distractions, distractions, distractions.
Here's my situation. My boyfriend and I recently broke up. We've known eachother for a while. About a year ago we got back together and it became a more serious relationship than it ever was before. Recently (about 3 weeks ago) he broke it off with me saying lately we've been more like best friends then a couple. He told me he loves me more than anything but he feels like he is missing out on something by having a girlfriend. I was crushed and angry and didn't talk to him for about a week before we went out and got coffee and just talked. I let him know i felt like he was lying and hiding something from me. He denies that but then again he won't tell me much more than what I just told you!
I feel like he's not telling me the whole truth because he doesn't want to hurt me. I don't know if it's another girl or if he needs his space or what. I feel so confused right now and cant get him off my mind because i don't know if he feels the way he says he does. My question is do you think his reasoning makes sense for why he broke up with me? Is it because he thought we were getting too serious and that scared him? Why would he break up with me if he claims to love me as much as he says?
I love him too and saw nothing wrong with our relationship which confuses me even more. He says he wants to stay best friends but i dont know how thats going to work! Why won't he be more open?!
One more question - If he comes back around and wants me back, would it be stupid of me for taking him back after all this? I feel like it would depend on the reason he broke up with me which i have no idea!
Any advice at all would be appreciated!!! thanks!
D,
It is very possible and highly probable that there is more that he isn't telling you. In my experience, it just sounds like he is exploring his options. Either way, you shouldn't be sitting around waiting for him regardless of his excuses.
Whether there is another girl or not, a guy that cares about you as much as you think he does would care enough about how you feel to explain everything to you. Leaving you in the dark is a cowardly way for him to go about his business. You need to take this time and not think about him. Get your mind off of him and find some distractions. Distractions should be your best friend right now. Go dancing with the girls, find a hobby, flirt with boys, whatever it is you need to not think about him.
The more you think about what he said and what he is not saying then the more distressed you will become and the more it will eat you up inside. I hate to say it but with the little information you were given you need to assume the worst and hope for the best.
If he does come back around, hopefully you won't be sitting there waiting. If he didn't give you too much information about why he was ending it then why would he give you information about what was going on when you were apart. It sucks to say but it is almost as if he is playing a game. You need to hop right on that train as well. You won't necessarily look stupid if you take him back but make sure you both are on the same page before you enter into anything with him again. It sounded like when he ended things you were on a separate page than him and that left you confused. It will take a lot of talking and communicating but that is what a relationship is all about.
As for now, live the single life, have fun, don't worry about what he did or what he says because actions speak louder than words and what he did should tell you all you need to know and remember, distractions, distractions, distractions.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Friends? Lovers? Friends That Love The Benefits
Ok.. so I have a "friend" that lives about an hour and 45 mins from me. I see him about 2x a month. We hang out and it's awesome. We just chill really well and it's never any pressure and the sex is SPECTACULAR. He has made recent comments about us living in marital bliss on the weekends. Kinda weird as he freaked out 5 months ago b/c he thought I wanted more than he was willing to give.... in boy terms, he wanted to make sure I didn't want a relationship. Which I'm fine with not having.. trust me. (well at least for right now. I'm sure, sometime in the future I'll want something) He just sent me a message tonight about us being lovers. I have always referred to him as my FWB (friend with benefits). Is there a difference here between FWB and a Lover?
Thanks,
MW
MW,
All guys are different, to a sensitive guy there would be a difference between friends with benefits and lovers. Then again, the sensitive guy wouldn't like the idea of friends with benefits and would want a relationship.
Personally I think there is no difference when I say friends with benefits and lover. Of course, I am not going to tell people about my new squeeze and refer to her as my lover but to the squeeze I wouldn't think it is a big deal at all to refer to her as my lover.
Confused yet? Good, lets keep going. I think you are looking too far into this and that he meant nothing by it. Both of you are having a good time and enjoying each others physical company and it sounds like the frame work is pretty much set on friends with benefits so when he refers to you as his lover it means nothing. It's not like he is running around telling all his friends that he is in love.
Bottom line, don't look too far into it. Sometimes guys say a lot of stupid stuff that girls misconstrue because guys think it's what a girl wants to hear and then in the end it just leaves the girl a confused mess. FWB is just that, friends, so have fun with it and don't look too far into anything he says, guys are one track thinkers and you will only confuse yourself trying to find meaning in a guys words.
Thanks,
MW
MW,
All guys are different, to a sensitive guy there would be a difference between friends with benefits and lovers. Then again, the sensitive guy wouldn't like the idea of friends with benefits and would want a relationship.
Personally I think there is no difference when I say friends with benefits and lover. Of course, I am not going to tell people about my new squeeze and refer to her as my lover but to the squeeze I wouldn't think it is a big deal at all to refer to her as my lover.
Confused yet? Good, lets keep going. I think you are looking too far into this and that he meant nothing by it. Both of you are having a good time and enjoying each others physical company and it sounds like the frame work is pretty much set on friends with benefits so when he refers to you as his lover it means nothing. It's not like he is running around telling all his friends that he is in love.
Bottom line, don't look too far into it. Sometimes guys say a lot of stupid stuff that girls misconstrue because guys think it's what a girl wants to hear and then in the end it just leaves the girl a confused mess. FWB is just that, friends, so have fun with it and don't look too far into anything he says, guys are one track thinkers and you will only confuse yourself trying to find meaning in a guys words.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Are You Interested?
Hi Mason,
What "signs" do guys give off regarding their level of interest? I, like many, seem unable to differentiate between friendly interest, a one-night stand interest, and a romantic interest. For instance, I was recently away from home on a business trip and only picked up that this guy was interested in more than just conversation when he invited me back up to his room. Do guys, in general, even begin conversations knowing what kind of interest they have, or is it developed through time?
Thanks!
L
L,
Wow, this is an awesome question. Lets see if I can answer the whole thing. There are different types of interest in different scenarios, at least for me it is that way. Type and levels of interest also are based hugely on the guy. You have your relationship type guys that see girls in terms of relationships. These guys will express their interest in more of an old fashion way. They will try to arrange a lot more one on one time, dates, movie nights, whatever it may be. He will also be into you which means he is interested in what you say, what you do, and just you as a person rather than just you physically. You can tell when a guy is truly interested in you when a lot of the one on one time happens before any sex. That's not to say there isn't any fooling around.
You then have the guys that are interested in girls and girls in general. Whether it be you or the next girl, they are interested in the physical and try to get to that part as soon as possible. These guys are capable of relationships and may try to slow things down for a girl they think they can be in a relationship with but the faster a guy tries to go for sex, the more you know it is strictly a physical thing. That isn't to say relationships haven't been built after sex started but that type of guy would shy away from a relationship because he already has what he wants.
I like to think of myself as the happy medium between the two. I am always meeting new girls and in the back of my head I am thinking relationship but when that dream dies then I can still have the girl around. Without lying or promising a relationship, we simply hang out and 'have fun'.
Some guys will start a conversation with one thing on their mind and they know exactly what they want before they even talk to you. There is a saying, "Girls know if they can see themselves sleeping with a guy 3 minutes after talking to him for the first time. Guys know if they can see themselves sleeping with a girl 3 minutes before he talks to her for the first time." Bottom line, most guys are interested in sex but it's getting them interested in something more after the sex that requires the personality.
In general a guy beginning a conversation with a girl will be interested physically. If a guy starts a conversation with you and you say, "Lets go back to your place." 9 times out of 10 he will say yes. By beginning a conversation with a girl the guy is already expressing interest but by not actually knowing the girl he is only expressing his physical interest.
From there the type of interest will be developed based on the interaction that follows. As I always say, "It is the looks that will make me talk to a girl but it is her personality that will keep me interested."
What "signs" do guys give off regarding their level of interest? I, like many, seem unable to differentiate between friendly interest, a one-night stand interest, and a romantic interest. For instance, I was recently away from home on a business trip and only picked up that this guy was interested in more than just conversation when he invited me back up to his room. Do guys, in general, even begin conversations knowing what kind of interest they have, or is it developed through time?
Thanks!
L
L,
Wow, this is an awesome question. Lets see if I can answer the whole thing. There are different types of interest in different scenarios, at least for me it is that way. Type and levels of interest also are based hugely on the guy. You have your relationship type guys that see girls in terms of relationships. These guys will express their interest in more of an old fashion way. They will try to arrange a lot more one on one time, dates, movie nights, whatever it may be. He will also be into you which means he is interested in what you say, what you do, and just you as a person rather than just you physically. You can tell when a guy is truly interested in you when a lot of the one on one time happens before any sex. That's not to say there isn't any fooling around.
You then have the guys that are interested in girls and girls in general. Whether it be you or the next girl, they are interested in the physical and try to get to that part as soon as possible. These guys are capable of relationships and may try to slow things down for a girl they think they can be in a relationship with but the faster a guy tries to go for sex, the more you know it is strictly a physical thing. That isn't to say relationships haven't been built after sex started but that type of guy would shy away from a relationship because he already has what he wants.
I like to think of myself as the happy medium between the two. I am always meeting new girls and in the back of my head I am thinking relationship but when that dream dies then I can still have the girl around. Without lying or promising a relationship, we simply hang out and 'have fun'.
Some guys will start a conversation with one thing on their mind and they know exactly what they want before they even talk to you. There is a saying, "Girls know if they can see themselves sleeping with a guy 3 minutes after talking to him for the first time. Guys know if they can see themselves sleeping with a girl 3 minutes before he talks to her for the first time." Bottom line, most guys are interested in sex but it's getting them interested in something more after the sex that requires the personality.
In general a guy beginning a conversation with a girl will be interested physically. If a guy starts a conversation with you and you say, "Lets go back to your place." 9 times out of 10 he will say yes. By beginning a conversation with a girl the guy is already expressing interest but by not actually knowing the girl he is only expressing his physical interest.
From there the type of interest will be developed based on the interaction that follows. As I always say, "It is the looks that will make me talk to a girl but it is her personality that will keep me interested."
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