Dear Mason,
My boyfriend of 2 years just dumped me. We were each other's first loves. Half of our relationship was long distance and we were planning on moving closer to each other at the end of the summer. He just dumped me out of the blue, telling me he wanted time to think, he wasn't sure if he wanted to be in a serious relationship anymore, doubting our compatibility and giving me a whole lot of "I don't knows." Whatever, he doesn't know he had a great thing, his loss. But why is this so easy for him?
Since our break up, he has been going out 3 to 4 nights a week, driving to long distances to visit friends (when he made a big deal about driving to visit me), just being careless, etc. Things he never did or showed interest in while we were together. Yes, he would go out, but not as much as now. I feel like the person I loved for 2 years isn't the person he is now. It's like he is having a quarter-life crisis. I am upset and devastated, I still think about him everyday, so how and why is this break up not affecting him? I miss him like crazy, how can he not be missing me? He told me he still cares about me and he doesn't want to erase me from his life, but none of his actions have shown me that he truly means any of that. Why is he acting like I didn't mean anything to him? How and why do guys get over girls so quickly?
-Stuck
Stuck,
If it seemed so sudden and unexpected that he ended the relationship then you probably were ignoring some warning signs near the end. Signs that he knew it was going to end soon and he was starting to emotionally and physically detach himself from you and the relationship. When a guy starts doing this before it's over then it's easier for him to end it and seems like he doesn't care when it does end. When in reality, he was preparing for it.
This sounds like a classic "grass is greener" situation. Your ex sees his single friends going out and having a good time and feels that he is tied down with a relationship and isn't able to do what he wants. He starts to distance himself to end the relationship and eventually does and now he is able to be single with the boys. The grass is always greener on the other side.
Guys are also on a different emotional plane than girls and deal with stuff differently. Girls are more emotional and more extroverted with their emotions than guys and that is why they have a hard time understanding a guy and his emotions. I guarantee that he isn't the slightest bit over you but he thinks that if he acts like it then he will eventually get over you. It's the same thing when girls will cry at the end of The Notebook but guys won't. It's not that they aren't feeling the same way, they just won't show their emotions.
Guys don't get over girls that quickly, especially after 2 years. Guys just don't show that they aren't over the girl. I did this first hand after breaking up with an ex. I tried to stop talking to her which was so hard to do. I ended up not talking to her for 3 months after the breakup, going out a lot and being around friends. After 3 months her and I started talking again and hung out for about a year. The entire time I wasn't over her but I never said a word about it and never showed it. Just like your situation. I guarantee he is feeling the same way you are, he is just dealing with it another way and not showing any emotions.
You need to surround yourself with positive people and friends that make you happy. You need to go out and live the single life as well instead of missing someone that is trying to get over you. Sidenote: I'm working on a post about "being happy and single" Should be up in the next couple days. Definitely read that and it should help you out.
"No guy is worth crying over and the one that is will never make you cry" -anonymous
-Mason
Showing posts with label breakup. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breakup. Show all posts
Monday, April 28, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Play The Field, Date On The Side
Dear Mason,
I met a guy and we started hanging out. On the second or third date, he made a comment like "let me know if you ever sleep with someone else." That combined with what I knew of him from our conversations, I figured he didn't really want to be committed (I was his first girlfriend), but I kind of put it in the back of my mind. We dated for 8 months and things were going well. Then, on our 8 month anniversary, we had a really serious conversation, with some of the things he said including "I feel like I'm leading you on. I can't say that I love you... I'm not sure I can love anyone at this point, or ever," (he had some emotional issues growing up) and "I really like hanging out with you, you're like my best friend, I feel closer to you than my own family, but I can't be committed to you at this point." He was unable to tell me if he thought his feelings would ever change.
For some reason I stayed with him, and now, 2 years later, things are basically the same. He's "been with" only one other person the whole time, but it's not for lack of trying. We get along so well though, and we really care about each other. Does it ever happen that when a guy gets more experience with other women, he eventually becomes "ready" to settle down? I mean, most people do end up settling down eventually, right? Basically, I can't decide if he really does just want more experiences with other women before he settles down with me (and even if that's the case, I don't want to wait around for 2 more years!), or if he just doesn't feel that I'm the right person for him to settle down with, but doesn't want to tell me that because he knows I won't be with him anymore after that. I do date other people, but things never work out, probably because I'm still so hung up on him.
- Very confused
Very Confused
Sounds like this guy has you on the back burner. There is never a set time when a guy is "ready" to settle down. A guy is ready when he meets the right girl. Family issues are always hard to deal with and make relationships a lot harder. I have been in that boat before but regardless of what issues my family has had and what that has done to me, in the past when I have met "that" girl then everything changed.
More experience with more women does not lead to settling down especially when you are part of his life when he is getting that experience. He is just learning that you will put up with it and that you'll keep waiting around. It sounds like he is stringing you along with false hopes of commitment so you are always close enough to be with but far away enough to not settle down with.
Right now he has all the dominance in your relationship because, like you said, you are still hung up on him and he knows that. He also knows that you won't date someone else when you are still hung up on him. The minute that you realize that you deserve more than what he is giving you is when you will gain the upper hand. Just because you have feelings for him, don't make excuses for him, that gives him too much power. Any relationship is not 50/50, its 100/100.
You need to give him the choice and stick to your guns. It's been 2 years now which is way too long. He knows if he wants to be with you. Any guy knows if they really want to be with a girl within anywhere from 2 weeks to 3 months depending on how much time is spent together.
Make him choose to be with you or not. You don't deserve to be strung along for another 2 years watching from the sidelines while he tries to play the field. You need to be ready to walk away if he doesn't want to settle down because if you don't then your dating life is history. You will be hung up on this guy for a very long time, all the while missing opportunities with guys who will sweep you off your feet. Guys like that are still out there, trust me, I'm friends with many of them.
Experience doesn't lead to settling down. The right person leads to settling down. Give him the the choice and if he can't see you as that person then it's a waste of your time and you need to move on.
-Mason Stanley
I met a guy and we started hanging out. On the second or third date, he made a comment like "let me know if you ever sleep with someone else." That combined with what I knew of him from our conversations, I figured he didn't really want to be committed (I was his first girlfriend), but I kind of put it in the back of my mind. We dated for 8 months and things were going well. Then, on our 8 month anniversary, we had a really serious conversation, with some of the things he said including "I feel like I'm leading you on. I can't say that I love you... I'm not sure I can love anyone at this point, or ever," (he had some emotional issues growing up) and "I really like hanging out with you, you're like my best friend, I feel closer to you than my own family, but I can't be committed to you at this point." He was unable to tell me if he thought his feelings would ever change.
For some reason I stayed with him, and now, 2 years later, things are basically the same. He's "been with" only one other person the whole time, but it's not for lack of trying. We get along so well though, and we really care about each other. Does it ever happen that when a guy gets more experience with other women, he eventually becomes "ready" to settle down? I mean, most people do end up settling down eventually, right? Basically, I can't decide if he really does just want more experiences with other women before he settles down with me (and even if that's the case, I don't want to wait around for 2 more years!), or if he just doesn't feel that I'm the right person for him to settle down with, but doesn't want to tell me that because he knows I won't be with him anymore after that. I do date other people, but things never work out, probably because I'm still so hung up on him.
- Very confused
Very Confused
Sounds like this guy has you on the back burner. There is never a set time when a guy is "ready" to settle down. A guy is ready when he meets the right girl. Family issues are always hard to deal with and make relationships a lot harder. I have been in that boat before but regardless of what issues my family has had and what that has done to me, in the past when I have met "that" girl then everything changed.
More experience with more women does not lead to settling down especially when you are part of his life when he is getting that experience. He is just learning that you will put up with it and that you'll keep waiting around. It sounds like he is stringing you along with false hopes of commitment so you are always close enough to be with but far away enough to not settle down with.
Right now he has all the dominance in your relationship because, like you said, you are still hung up on him and he knows that. He also knows that you won't date someone else when you are still hung up on him. The minute that you realize that you deserve more than what he is giving you is when you will gain the upper hand. Just because you have feelings for him, don't make excuses for him, that gives him too much power. Any relationship is not 50/50, its 100/100.
You need to give him the choice and stick to your guns. It's been 2 years now which is way too long. He knows if he wants to be with you. Any guy knows if they really want to be with a girl within anywhere from 2 weeks to 3 months depending on how much time is spent together.
Make him choose to be with you or not. You don't deserve to be strung along for another 2 years watching from the sidelines while he tries to play the field. You need to be ready to walk away if he doesn't want to settle down because if you don't then your dating life is history. You will be hung up on this guy for a very long time, all the while missing opportunities with guys who will sweep you off your feet. Guys like that are still out there, trust me, I'm friends with many of them.
Experience doesn't lead to settling down. The right person leads to settling down. Give him the the choice and if he can't see you as that person then it's a waste of your time and you need to move on.
-Mason Stanley
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Miss Confused
Dear Mason,
I was dating someone for a year and then we broke up because he said he wanted space. We used to live together and everything. I was single for a while and now I have just started dating a new guy for about 2 weeks now. After my ex found out I was dating someone else he started telling me that he wanted me to move back in with him. He said he still needed his space but it would be like we were together and we would only sleep with each other and we would live together too. I still have feelings for my ex but I also really like this new guy that I'm dating cause he is such a sweetheart and does everything for me. I can tell he cares about me and he is always trying to do stuff for me. What do I do???
-Miss Confused
Miss Confused,
First you need to stop dating immature guys. Your new guy sounds like a VERY insecure guy and I would get out of that relationship asap. ANY guy who puts his all into a girl in the very beginning like the guy you described really has nothing else going for him except for the fact that he is dating a girl. It may seem sweet and adorable for a little bit but I don't give that more than 3 months until you get annoyed by his neediness.
For the ex, he just doesn't know what he wants. Guys are weird like that. Let me break this down step by step. This guy is confused, when he says he needs space it means that he wants to start looking into other girls to see if there is anyone better out there. By better, i mean better for him. When you start dating another guy then your ex gets jealous and wants you back. Any guy will get jealous if he finds out a girl he is sleeping with is dating someone else. If you go back to him then the same thing will happen again and he will ask for space. Do you really want to date someone who doesn't know what they want? Even worse, someone who doesn't know if they want to be with you?
You should cut off ties with your ex before he confuses you more. It will be push pull until the bitter end if you end up going back to him. Delete his number, erase emails, just cut him out of your life completely. Use this new guy to help you get over your ex. It won't last long with him, I can see you ending it early because of his neediness but it will help you get over your ex and find yourself in the process.
-Mason Stanley
I was dating someone for a year and then we broke up because he said he wanted space. We used to live together and everything. I was single for a while and now I have just started dating a new guy for about 2 weeks now. After my ex found out I was dating someone else he started telling me that he wanted me to move back in with him. He said he still needed his space but it would be like we were together and we would only sleep with each other and we would live together too. I still have feelings for my ex but I also really like this new guy that I'm dating cause he is such a sweetheart and does everything for me. I can tell he cares about me and he is always trying to do stuff for me. What do I do???
-Miss Confused
Miss Confused,
First you need to stop dating immature guys. Your new guy sounds like a VERY insecure guy and I would get out of that relationship asap. ANY guy who puts his all into a girl in the very beginning like the guy you described really has nothing else going for him except for the fact that he is dating a girl. It may seem sweet and adorable for a little bit but I don't give that more than 3 months until you get annoyed by his neediness.
For the ex, he just doesn't know what he wants. Guys are weird like that. Let me break this down step by step. This guy is confused, when he says he needs space it means that he wants to start looking into other girls to see if there is anyone better out there. By better, i mean better for him. When you start dating another guy then your ex gets jealous and wants you back. Any guy will get jealous if he finds out a girl he is sleeping with is dating someone else. If you go back to him then the same thing will happen again and he will ask for space. Do you really want to date someone who doesn't know what they want? Even worse, someone who doesn't know if they want to be with you?
You should cut off ties with your ex before he confuses you more. It will be push pull until the bitter end if you end up going back to him. Delete his number, erase emails, just cut him out of your life completely. Use this new guy to help you get over your ex. It won't last long with him, I can see you ending it early because of his neediness but it will help you get over your ex and find yourself in the process.
-Mason Stanley
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