Passive Or Aggressive

Hi Mason,

I've been divorced for almost three years and, within the past year, have actually had a bit of luck with online dating. I dated a few guys initially, then dated one guy steadily for about 6 months. I've learned the art of keeping my photo current and keeping those emails short and interesting, and guys almost always write back.

However, one problem that keeps happening repeatedly is this: A guy and I will email for a week or two (or three), he likes my photo, and everything seems fine, but the guy won't ask me out. If after a few emails the guy says he's into, say, surfing, I'd email him back and gently suggest an idea or two based on our emails, like, "Hey, I know you like to surf at Hermosa. Have you ever been to [insert name], that cool coffee bar by the beach? I hear it has a great view." He'll either say yes, I've heard of it, or no, I don't know about it, then never bring it up again.

BUT, the guy will keep on emailing, with the same tone, and with the same congeniality he had shown on the first email.... What's that about??

If a guy isn't into me, I can live with that -- let's move on and try again with someone else. But if a guy keeps emailing yet not making a move to get my number or meet up after I've spelled out I'm interested and even suggested places, then I don't get it.

Do you have any insight into this?

Signed,
Ms. V

Ms. V,

There are a couple reasons for this. Lets look at all of them.

Some of the guys on these online dating sites are NOT looking to hook up or date or what not. Some of them are perfectly fine with having an online pen pal and that is it. They enjoy the anonymity of being behind a computer and keyboard. They enjoy the reciprocation of conversation from the other side of the keyboard from someone they can believe is attracted to them who they don't need to meet because in their heads, a meeting will lead to rejection. This is why when you blatantly throw hints of interest and insinuate a meet they act like they don't know and continue with conversations.

On the other hand, some guys just don't get the blatantly obvious signs of attraction. Sometimes you have to grab the reigns and take charge and be the aggressor. If you see something you want then take charge and make it happen instead of dropping hints and waiting for a passive guy to ask you out or ask you for your number. Some guys just won't man up and take that step for fear of rejection.

Bottom line is, some guys aren't as aggressive as others. Sometimes a woman needs to take control and initiate something. If you feel like you are getting the run around then grab the bull by its horns and initiate something. Be the aggressor and you will start to see that the passive guys will just go away if they have no intentions of actually meeting you in person.