Next Step Is A Stand Still?

Dearest Mason:

After being intimate with the same guy for seven months, I decided that it was time for the two of us to define what was going on between us. I’m the same confused girl from “Can We Make It More Obvious” and “Booty Calls: Not Just For 1 Night Stands,” and I became fed up with the lack of definition in our relationship. I sat him down a couple days ago and told him that it was necessary for us to decide what was going on between the two of us. I either wanted us to be exclusive, or we needed to stop hooking up. He told me that he didn’t think the two of us would be good as a couple, because I was too young, he was leaving to the Air Force in less than a year, he didn’t trust me to be exclusive and that we had underlying issues which would only be further agitated if we dated. I told him that was fine, and that I understood his points, but that I couldn’t be friends with him anymore because I couldn’t possibly separate my non-friendly feelings for him and my friendly feelings for him. He asked me for a hug before I left, and we said we’d miss each other. Right after I left, I received a text message from him asking me not to ignore him. I received another text message and he informed me of some inconsequential person arriving to a party he was at. The next day he sent me another text message asking me how I was doing, and later that night he sent that another text wishing me a good night. Then, he sent me another text message the day after informing me of some other inconsequential event. I don’t understand why he continues to contact me, and he continues to completely disregard my feelings. What’s going on and why does he keep doing this?!

M,

Ahhh, yes. This is a very common situation people get in and as a guy I have been in this as well. To put it simply, it sounds like the guy enjoys hanging out with you, hooking up with you and being with you but just doesn't want a relationship. He is perfectly content keeping the relationship you have with him where it is and not a step further.

Most guys will fill a girl's head with thoughts of relationships and wedding bells to keep a relationship moving, not moving forward, just moving. He doesn't want to move forward with a relationship and he doesn't want to be disconnected from you completely. It sounds like he is just ignoring what you are saying on purpose.

When I used to get in the same situation you are in, I would make excuses as to why a relationship wasn't a good idea. Sometimes I just ignored the topic all together. This will only lead to negativity when the girl wants a relationship and the guy is happy where he is because the girl starts to feel like her needs aren't being met when the guy is perfectly content. That is not a relationship, a relationship is not 50/50 anymore, it's 100/100.

After dealing with that situation a few times I found out how to deal with it with a way that works. Ready for it? HONESTY!!!! I found that when I was honest about what I wanted and how I felt, when I didn't fill girls' heads with ideas of relationships to get what I want then the type of relationship I have with these girls becomes more symbiotic. Unfortunately most guys still do the lying and the excuses because they don't say what they think or feel, they say what they think the girl wants to hear and most of the time they don't mean it. Now when the relationship talk comes up I have the same response every time, "I like how we are now. I have fun, you have fun, we have fun together. I don't want a relationship right now but I do enjoy hanging out with you and I think that keeping things the way they are would be just as fun." It's 50/50 with that but me being optimistic says that the 50% of girls that don't want to keep things the way they are end up being not for me anyways.

Oh sheesh, I hope I answered that question, I kind of went off on a tangent.