Guys Can't Read Minds

Hi
i stumbled onto your blog when i was searching the internet for advice.

I don't have a problem getting attention from guys. Without sounding arrogant, it comes quite easily - guys find me attractive and i'm good at flirting etc.

The problem i have is getting a boyfriend.

I'm 18 years old and still a virgin. not because i havent had the oppurtunity to lose it but i want it to be with a guy who is committed to me and i seem to struggle to get guys to stay interested and want to be exclusive with me.

After almost 2 years of being messed around by a guy who never went out with me - we just kissed when we were drunk at parties (looking back i realise i made myself far too available to him), i was so excited when i met this guy called greg. He's a couple of years older than me and started taking me out for dinner and drinks - very sweet. He messaged me every day consistently. I also stayed at his house a lot did a lot but never went all the way because he never said anything about commitment to me.

A couple of months have passed now, he's back at uni and we see each other every so often when he comes back to london. He's far less consistent, cancels on me, never calls - just texts, sees me at night but doesnt take me out, essentially i've become a booty call (without the sex ha).

With the guy before him, he also started out being really keen and it fizzled out. There is definitely a pattern developing!

What am i doing wrong?

Any advice you could offer would be much appreciated as you seem to be writing really good stuff on your blog.

Thanks,
K


K,

First of all, I think you have been watching way too many romantic movies. Guys these days don't act like they do in the movies. Chivalry isn't dead, it has just been updated and translated. You can not wait for a guy to do EVERYTHING. This is a huge mistake and it will only turn out for the worst.

You can not confuse playing hard to get with being impossible to get. This is a big mistake that a lot of girls make. They don't want to be too easy so they play what they think is hard to get when in reality they are playing impossible to get. This can be explained using the, "Cat String Theory". Dangle a string in front of a cat and it will jump to get the string. Pull the string away and the cat will pursue the string as long as this continues under one condition. The string is attainable. Move the string too far out of the grasp of the cat and the cat will become unwilling to pursue. Don't move the string and the cat will become bored with it once it has it. It is a constant push pull, all the while maintaining a balance of letting the cat have the string and taking it away from the cat.

This same principle applies to us! Just like you were doing with the older guy that was taking you out. You thought you made yourself, "Far too available" for the guy that you were into for 2 years. Now, you think to yourself that you aren't going to make the same mistake with this guy, so you do the complete opposite. Instead of leaving the string in front of him, you never let him know it was attainable. A guy will court a girl as long as he thinks it is going somewhere. We are not taking you out so we can get out of the house for the night, we have guy friends for that. Once a guy thinks that his efforts in courting a girl are exhausted and he is bound for endless dates and make-out slumber parties, of course he is going to start detaching and moving on.

Let me go over that one more time just in case you missed the point. A guy will continue as long as he is under the impression something is developing. This DOES NOT mean you have to sleep with him immediately. This means if the past 5 dates ended in you guys making out in the car before going home alone, don't hold your breath for a 6th. Dating is DIFFERENT that hanging out:

Dating: is a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse.

Hanging Out: To socialize with your friends, whether it is of your choosing or not; most of the time the term is uesd to refer to a type of fun.

From what you told me, it sounds like you never told any of the guys you were with that you wanted a commitment and you went from dating to hanging out. If this is something that is important to you then it is something that should be important to the guy you are dating. If the guy you are dating doesn't feel this way as well then there are plenty of other guys out there that will respect you the way you deserve to be respected but no one can read minds and you need to be vocal about what you want and need.


-M

College Virgin?

Dear Mason:

I found your blog fascinating, and I read through every single entry over the last couple of days. However, I have an issue that I was hoping I could talk to you about.

I am a twenty-two-year-old college senior. I think I'm pretty attractive, I'm smart, I like football and baseball, and I have lots of guy friends. I don't have trouble getting dates, really...the trouble comes after.

This wasn't really an issue in high school, but since I came to college, I've had two seperate incidences that have left me a little shaken. Both times, up until this point, the relationships were smooth and fun...we went out on several dates, had a good time, a kiss goodnight at the front door, nothing more. The first relationship lasted about six weeks, my sophomore year of college. We went out every weekend and a couple of times each week. The night we broke up, he dropped me off at home, and then he realized he'd locked his housekey inside his apartment. So he wanted to wait at my place until his roommate came home to let him in. I agreed, turned on a movie, and we sat down to wait. Long story short, the movie turned into a makeout session (which hadn't ever happened before), and I stopped it before it got too far, because I felt that I needed to be honest with him. I'm a virgin.

It hadn't ever come up before, because I'd never been in a serious relationship. But he got mad at me, told me I'd led him on, and left. I never talked to him again.

At first, I thought that he was just a jerk, and I tried to put it out of my mind. But just this past fall, I encountered the same issue. This time, the "number" question came up, this time about three weeks into the relationship. When I told him that I'd never been with anyone else, he thought I was lying to him. I tried to explain, but the relationship quickly fizzed out, and by the end of that week, we were hardly talking.

So my question is this: I'm certainly not willing to throw my First Time away, so how do I talk about this without coming across as a liar or a tease?

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for your help!
-L

L,

First off, let me start off by saying that being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed about, it is something to be proud of. I have friends that are still virgins and I have nothing but the utmost respect for them. With that said, onto the questions.

First of all, you aren't a tease unless a guy expects sex and if a guy is expecting sex then he is probably not the guy for you. Ok, all guys want sex but the right guys won't mind waiting. If I met a girl that I was all about then I would have no qualms waiting to have sex with her until she felt comfortable. Like you said, "I'm certainly not willing to throw my First Time away" which is good because the right guy will understand and go at your speed. The guys that are getting mad and running away when they find out that you are a virgin are after the low hanging fruit. These guys are after the girls they can take out for a drink and then take back to their place for a night of debauchery.

Never think of your virginity as a bad thing. That is something you should be proud of. I'm not saying to go around and flaunt it at every opportunity but if I was a virgin I would for sure mention it within the first couple times of hanging out with a girl. The easiest way to bring it up in the future is to mention it early and playfully. I would bring it up in casual conversation and see how the guy reacts. If the guy's reaction is not what you want it to be then you have just saved yourself a lot of time. If it is what you want it to be then you can turn the conversation serious and go from there.

By any means, don't think of your virginity as a bad thing. It is something to be proud of and something you don't want to throw away.

The Other Man...And Woman

I am a married woman with two children. For several years I've watched my husband's activity on the internet and didn't like what I've been seeing. You have the usual things like searching porn, viewing movies, stories, etc., and trust me when I say I have no problem with these things. I would only check from time to time and it wasn't obsessive until I discovered an email from a woman whom he apparently had conversation with before and she was giving a quite detailed description of herself, sent pictures and proceeded to ask about him, even the sexual positions he liked. I was furious, and the first thing I did was load spyware on his computer. Boy oh boy did the plot thicken from there. The very first report I received showed where the hubby had been searching for local escorts, and had even typed her telephone number into a reverse phone lookup site to obtain her address....kind of strange huh? Anyway, without going into more detail, believe when I say it gets much, much worse.

I was miserable while plotting to catch my husband in action. I quit sleeping with him, and it was awful at home and I grew very, very, lonely. This went on for several months and I would sit at work and cry at night and think of doing anthing but going home. Then one day, a male friend of mine from work came by to say goodbye and noticed I had been crying. He asked if I was okay. I said yes, and he said it didn't look that way and he wanted to let me know he would be there if I needed to talk. As you can imagine, I took him up on the offer. Our friendship grew and I found myself confiding in him more and more. This man became my best friend, my lover, and I fell madly in love with him. He made me feel as though I was the only woman in the world. We had a great time together, and it was unbelievable how everything just clicked.......everything from being with each other and doing absolutely nothing to having the most incredible passionate sex.

This relationship lasted for 10 months and grew stronger day by day. Of course, due to the circumstances, our relationship we had some rocky moments. I was still a married woman planning my divorce, he thought he may lose his job and have to relocate, his fear of children, and many more. We made it through all of those bumps in the road and still the emotions grew deeper. Later, there was a bump we did not get over.....his old girlfriend.

He had apparently dated this girl for over a year before he chose to take a job here and had to move away. He begged her to come with him, but she could not leave her family. He had moved on and she tried, but she couldn't and then she proceeded to call him crying saying she couldn't do it. She was ready to move here with him and wanted another chance. To make a long story short, he chose to give her that chance. He said he felt like it was a duty, something he had to do, something he owed to her......something still to this day I can't figure out.

Anyway, he told me that he tried to keep his distance from me and not care too much because of the situation, but he cared for me deeply. He said he was confused and scared because he didn't know how to stop caring about me and start over with her. He wanted to remain friends with me, but an email, fueled with hurt and anger and filled with mean things that I didn't mean at all, basically ruined the friendship too. After that email, he said I hurt him and wasn't the kind of friend he needed and still to this day (4 months later) he won't talk to me. Our friendship was the strongest part and he was the best friend I've ever had. Yes, I was madly in love with him too, but the friendship by far was the best part. I've apologized numerous times and begged for his forgiveness, but still nothing.

Why did he feel like he owed this woman a chance? Did he love her? If so, why did he feel like it was a duty? Why did he say he cared deeply for me only to let me down and choose her in the end? How can I get over him? Now divorced, I'm scared to pursue another relationship. I'm scared I will fall deeply in love again, think everything clicks perfectly, and mis-read another man's true feelings leaving me broken hearted all over again. From a man's point of view, what do you think was going through his mind and heart?


C,

Wow, that is one intense story. Let me address your questions one by one. When him and his ex broke up it seems like there were no bitter feelings. He took a job and she didn't go with him. For whatever reason she didn't go with him he is going to feel like it is his fault they are not together and when you have that feeling it isn't easy to shake. The person responsible for the breakup usually never wants it in the first place. If this guy felt responsible because he took the job somewhere else then it means he didn't want the breakup to happen and still sees the girl as someone he wants to date but is unable to at the current time. Everyone has "That person", you know, the one you always have in the back of your mind and if they come back around you will jump through hoops to be with. I am assuming this girl was "that person", his so called kryptonite, if you will. He feels responsible for the breakup so again he would feel obligated to be with her again if she was always in the back of his mind.

Love her? Now that is a tough question. I bet you he will say he did love her at one point but if he did then why did he take the job? Shouldn't love take precedent? Being happy and in love should take the front seat to a job in another city when given an option but there are always exceptions. I can honestly say that I can not say whether he loved her or not.

The man probably did and still does care deeply for you but when his ex came around he was still carrying the guilt from leaving her behind. That is the reason he felt he owed it to her. It is almost as a, "first come first serve" rule. She was with him first and therefore he feels that obligation toward her. Kind of the same way that a girl has that weird attachment to her "first". There was no closure between them and everyone needs closure.

Getting over him means distancing yourself from him and everything that reminds you of him. You have to learn how to be single. Most importantly, you need to learn how to be single before you can even think about dating another man. It is my recommendation to anyone that they are 100% comfortable with being single before it is safe to get into another relationship.

You went from marriage directly into a relationship. That is completely not healthy dating practice. Whether you know it or not you did bring baggage into your relationship from your marriage and that too may have been a reason for the other man's sudden change of heart when his ex came.

You need to be single and comfortable with it. It is when we are single that we truly get to know ourselves and in getting to know ourselves we find out what we have to offer and that will help you dating life.

Space May Be The Case

Hi Mason,



My fiancé and I have been together almost 4 years in may. Last week we had a really big fight which turned alittle violent. My fiancé said that it was really over this time. We were supposed to be heading down to Melbourne last Tuesday. Obviously I’m still in Sydney. I can only assume he went to i Melbourne. I have had no contact with him since the argument. He came home and packed a suitcase. But he didn’t take all of his things. He spoke to our landlord on the Friday but didn’t mention anything about ending the lease. Hes still friends with me on facebook and all of his family too. His status still says engaged. I’m really confused I don’t know what too think. Part of me is thinking that this is usual rob walk out when things get bad and come back a few days later. And part of me is thinking that this is it. My question is if a guy wanted to leave and had the opportunity would he leave for good as quickly as possible?

-E

E,

I dont think this situation is guy specific. If anyone wanted to leave for good they would leave as soon as possible. There is no reason for someone to stay in a situation that they don't want to be in. I know that is a lot easier said than done because there are a lot of people that are in situations they don't want to be in and can't get out of. If a person has the opportunity to get out then do it!

This is the reason a lot of guys will sometimes intentionally pick fights with girls so they have a reason to walk away. I know I am guilty of this before. I was dating 2 girls and it was getting serious with both of them at the same time and they didn't know about each other. I had to pick between the 2 of them so I instigated a fight with one and then ended it.

On the other hand it just sounds like your guy needs some alone time. I don't care who you are or what relationship you are in. Everyone needs alone time sometime. When a fight happens, give the guy his space. Once the fumes from the fight start to die down then that is when you can really talk. Don't make rash decisions when you are in the heat of the moment.

Give the guy his space and then talk to him about it. No matter how bad the fight or what was said, you guys should remember the good times you have had and for that sake there needs to be some dialogue established.

Too Much, Too Fast

Dear Mason,

I fell for a guy at work. Even though he was in another city, we became good friends over the phone. He moved to where I stay in January and we started working in the same department.
We started talking almost daily. He used to call me every night, he took me to select a house for him too!

I finally confessed that I loved him and after a long silence of 10 days, he came back to me and said that he really likes me too but is not sure if he loves me. He said he needs some time to figure it out and that we should try seeing each other meantime.
We started going out and I was so happy!! I was very emotionally involved but he wasn't so emotionally involved. He would be great over sms or telephone but very aloof when we were together in person

However, just after three weeks, he said that he does not think it would work out! His reasons were that he doesn't think he cares for me too much and that he will never change as a person. He also said that the problem lies with him and not with me! I think these are just evasive tactics and that he simply didn't like me.

What I cant understand is how he could dump me in 3 weeks??

We were best friends before but now have completely stopped talking to each other. I dont know what to do now and how to handle this situation.
Most of all, I need answers to why he dumped me and what was so bad!

Please help! I have to see him everyday and it kills me

- Fat, Lonely and Sad

Fat, Lonely and Sad,

This sounds like a classic case of too much too fast. A relationship can only move as fast as the slowest person. Move too fast and you'll leave a great person behind. It sounds like you were already head over heals before he had a chance to evaluate the situation. Things should always move slowly. Confessing your love and then dating was the wrong progression of events.

He probably ended it because things were moving too fast. 3 weeks is way to fast to be completely emotionally invested for a guy. Guys emotions take longer to develop than girls and that's why girls see a lot of guys as non-committal. It's not that guys are non-committal, it's that when a girl moves too fast emotionally then it scares off the guy. I have personally been scared off a few times by girls like that and it's nothing against the girls. They were great girls, fun and attractive but too much too fast was too much for me.

This would be a hard one to save but if you think it's worth it then I would suggest the idea to him of dating as friends and taking things real slow. If something like this does happen then whatever you do, do not move faster than him. That would be a best case scenario but no matter what is said now, it won't take away that you did move too fast in the beginning.

He May Not Be That Into You

Hello Mason, saw your blog and wanted your insight (if I can!). I'm 35 and this guy is a 36-yr old bach. We actually knew each other in high school, lost touch and 'remet' just this past July on Facebook! It was crazy. He confessed to me that he had a crush on me in high school. Anyway, he lives in El Paso but is missing Chicago so bad since he moved to EP in April 2008. I flew out to EP in Oct to visit him and we had a great time. But look...

It seems lately, I'm getting a strange vibe on things with Adolfo. I realize I'm the one who sent HIM the nasty text message (on Oct 29th) Here we are mid-December now. He arrived in Chicago on T-giving and I went to his soccer game the next day. That's great. So the last time I saw him was Nov 29th and one of the last things I said was 'call me when you get back from your trip.' He replied 'I will.'. I even had asked him prior to that 'are you still angry with me?' (for sending that nasty text msg) And he said 'no'. (so I didn't dwell on that anymore.

He left for his Colombia trip on Dec 2nd and I know he came back to Chicago on Dec 10th. Now I never heard from him since he returned and I purposely called him yesterday morning and left the v/mail about the Willow Creek Christmas thing just to see if he would go OR what reason he would give me for not going. I know he wasn't lying about the grandma's party this weekend bec I remember when I was in El Paso, he showed me an email his aunt sent him inviting the family to this 'party'. I just seem to notice he seems 'distant' toward me even just in general. It's like he can't really make any extra 'time' to see me while he's here for a MONTH. He's here until Jan 5th. I know I saw him 3 weeks ago, but it just seems that you'd think he'd say 'Hey Melanie, I can't go this weekend, but let's get together next week.' Or something like that. I don't sense any real push for that. You know what I mean? The last thing on his v/mail was 'I'll try and give you a call this week.'

It makes it seem like it's a big effort to pick up the phone and he's right here in town. So it makes me feel like 'wow, I guess I'm really more easily to get a hold of when he's back in El Paso and things aren't as exciting.' Seriously. It's something I'm picking up on. I have prayed to God several times and asked him to show me if this person should be in my life and I am not sure what the answer is. I think it's bec I'm a little frustrated. I think by him coming back to Chicago it's kind of showing me a side of him I wouldn't see in El Paso? He's very nice to me and all, but I just get a 'feeling' that I can't shake. I think I should just pull back completely and not get so upset.

The BIG thing that is causing me to 'feel' this way is I truly believe he is still 'shopping' for a woman. I mean really, what guy would not keep his options open and be on the prowl if he's single and met someone who has a kid and isn't divorced yet? I almost wonder if that's why he's still single at 36 and only had one serious girlfriend since age 23. He is definitely into the bachelor life but occasionally wants the 'committed' life when maybe the wells are a little dry? Who knows who is with or what is really going on. What he's been up to on the weekends is kind of a mystery to me. Of the guy friends he has, most are married except a couple. The female best friend he has is married and so is the girl who just got married and we went to that wedding together in August. I just feel like Yes, he may really like me and could see himself with me, but on the other hand, I feel he is still out looking for 'something' and I don't know what that is. Like he can't just be satisfied. He wants to look and still dabble with the ladies. I've never been in a situation like this before and I guess I'm scared that just being 'around' and liking him and thinking he's out shopping. on the other hand, I wonder 'hmm, what if this guy is someone for me and if I just stop talking to him for no reason, I blow it?' So I think I need to cut myself off emotionally and just not care. Here's what I think I could do: he used to call me pretty much every week when we first started talking. I believe if the contact between us becomes far and few between on the phone calls that I should just not return the calls and let it go. I don't know but that alone could be a sign? Or is he just seeing what else is out there knowing I'll 'wait' since he knows I like him?

M,

Sounds like you know what is going on. To me it sounds like this guy just isn't that into you. If he was that into you he would be calling, trying to make time for you, and less mysterious. Sounds like you are around and convenient for when he wants to hang out but actually taking time out of whatever he is doing for you is out of the question.

You just need to cut things off before you become too attached. I'm not saying that you shouldn't hang out with him or see him but don't get emotionally attached. Don't get invested because it doesn't sound like he is. You should back off a bit and see if he comes to you. See if he will take the time to try to contact you. It says a lot about a guy when he won't contact a woman.

Maybe he is just shopping but it's been a few months now. When is the shopping going to end? That is if it ever ends. You need to get away from the idea that you can change him. Women always think they can change guys, then get emotionally invested and then get hurt. It's not worth it. The only person that can change a guy is the guy himself and if you haven't started to see that already then I hate to be the one to break it to you but it doesn't sound like it will happen.

Cut your losses and don't expect anything with this one. If you don't expect anything right now and something happens then it is just a welcome surprise when it does but as for right now it sounds like he just isn't that into you.

What If?

My question is whether a rejected guy has moved on for now, or for good. and also it right or wrong to to confess your love back to someone, a year later after they have just started to move on.

background information:

I am completely head over heels in love with my old roommate, and now friend who lives in another city. We always have the best time and the most fun together whenever he comes to visit. We've known eachother 5 years now, during which i had a baby from another relationship. Last christmas, he finally told me he was crazy about me, and has been for a while, that i turned his life upside down when he met me, he said he could move to my city after he finished school, he said the sweetest things ... then i said: not right now. because its too complicated! Living in different cities and me having a kid. i didn't mention that i was still in a controlling relationship that i was struggling to end once and for all. i told him i felt the same way but it would be better to be friends for now, until i got stable and more independent. I acted more distant so he wouldn't try to kiss me. In letters i would be more distant, because i was afraid he would try to come to my city. The truth is i was scared it wouldnt be the same if he came, he would feel bored or tied down to me if he did move here. all the while i felt like i was doing the right thing, because he is young and has a lot of living to do first, and i wasnt in a mental state to have another relationship.

its christmas again, and this year hes not coming to visit, and i hear second hand he just got a girlfriend. he hasnt told me personally anything, and hasnt written in a month. now i feel like an idiot becuase my sons a bit older, i broke with my ex, and i have been secretly hoping we could start where we left off and we could work something out this year. i am not jealous, just sad that i wont see him this year, and also really worried that this could be him gone forever. i can accept him having another girlfriend while i am not able to be with him. but i cant bear the thought of never being with him ever again. do you think now that hes moved on, he is over me? should i bring up the subject of us again, or do some gesture of love? is it selfish to do this when hes in new relationship, even when i believe its true love? what would he want me to do, let go or let him know im willing to give it a try?

thanks
selfishly in love


selfishly in love,

The easiest thing to do is just to be honest! He was honest with you once in the past and it didn't seem like it worked too well for him. After a guy confesses his true feelings like that and it goes nowhere then it is your job to make the next move after that. It is hard for a guy to confess something like that and even harder for him to confess it twice.

The girlfriend thing is expected. You don't live by him, you told him it wasn't the right time. There is no reason for him to go back home and then wait for you. Girlfriend or not it is good to let someone know how you feel. If it is meant for you two to be together then there will be a way but that way will not find itself unless you provide the catalyst. You need to let him know that you feel the same way. If things don't progress from there then at least you were able to get your feelings off your back.

Sounds like you rejected him and he moved on, as guys do. Guys are also creatures of habit so if he confessed his feelings before then there is a very strong chance he didn't lose those feelings, just stored them somewhere where he didn't have to deal with them everyday. If those feelings are there for him then it is going to take you to provoke those feelings again.

Honesty is always the best policy no matter what the situation is. Don't play games, don't beat around the bush. If he doesn't feel the same way anymore then you know you tried. It is better then looking back on this years later thinking, "What if". Everyone hates "What if's".