Too Soon?

Hey Mason,

My name is joss I find myself in a very awkward situation and I need
advice . I recently started tlkn to this guy that I wrk with we've gone
in one date nd out to lunch . This past sat I invited him to go with me
to an 18th bday party nd after that we went back to his place and ended
up sleeping with him . I knw it was too soon but now I feel like he's
going to lose interest in me or not like me anymore. He just got out
of a long term relationship nd told me he doesn't want anything
serious but I feel that maybe along the line we could work something out
, but now that I slept with him I dnt knw if he's going to want to.
What do you think?!

-j

j,

I see what you are getting at but just because you sleep with someone doesnt mean that they are going to lose interest. Most of the time, sex will build attraction. You have already hung out with him before you slept with him, you have gone on dates. It doesn't sound like a 1 night stand. Heck, even some 1 night stands turn into relationships.

I don't like to tell people to put a time limit or what not on how long they have to wait to have sex with someone. I think little unspoken rules like that are stupid. It is a firm belief of mine that you should do what you feel! If it feels right then go for it, never do anything you think you may regret. If you regret something then just remember at one point it was exactly what you wanted.

Don't think that sleeping with someone too soon is a bad thing because sometimes "too soon" is not too soon at all. If it feels right do it, never regret anything but take responsibility for your actions. Sometimes people have such a strong connection when they first meet that they end up sleeping with each other the first night and it progresses from there. Majority of guys are not assholes, majority of guys won't sleep with someone they have already gone on dates with and then just not call them.

Get out of the "Too Soon" frame of mind because at one point it was exactly what you wanted. Go with it and see what happens, if you guys end up being anything then at least you can say you tried.

Confidence Demands Attention

Mason,

I am a 30 year old married woman. I have been married for 10 wonderful years. Every year gets better and better with my husband. My question isn't about my husband, it's about myself and about men my age. My husband is 20+ years older than me. He tells me I'm beautiful every day and loves me unconditionally.

Yet, I am still a little insecure. It seems as though men my age or younger never look at me, I am totally off their radar. I have decided to go back to school and am now in a junior college filled will younger people than myself. I have tried to see if it's because of my shyness. For several days I made more eye contact and smiled more and I have tried to initiate small talk, in a non-flirtatious ways. I feel as though I am approachable, but I am usually pretty quiet and look down most of the time. I'm not interested in other men romantically, so is that it? If I'm off the market am I no longer attractive?

I feel embarrassed even asking the question. But I really wonder why. Am I unapproachable? Is there something wrong with me that makes me unattractive. I watch my weight, I wear nice clothes, I wear deodorant, I brush my teeth and my hair and I don't wear too much make-up, I don't soak in perfume. I would say that I have a classic hourglass body shape, a small belly, but I'm not fat by any means.

Older men have no problem in telling me that I am pretty or attractive or just simply looking. But men my age and younger don't seem to look twice unless they are somewhat mental. Why is this? I've always wanted to know, and it's been like this since I was sixteen.

Here are a few pictures, I would appreciate it if you would not post them on your blog, but please use them as reference to answer my question. I would also appreciate an honest answer, if I'm just not attractive to younger men please say so. Maybe it's because older men have lower standards (that's the only thing that I can think of).

C


C,

Let me start off by saying, after hearing what you said and looking at the pictures, there is no reason that men shouldn't find you attractive. This is coming from a 23 year old bachelor. That is not to say that just because a man finds you attractive it doesn't mean he will broadcast the fact.

I have noticed, more than ever now, things are changing and younger guys aren't blatantly complimenting or expressing interest in women that they know things aren't going to go nowhere with. I find many older women attractive but I don't stare, compliment or even press the issue. I take it for what it is and move on. Another thing I have noticed myself doing after reading your email was when I did see the attractive older women and then saw the ring they were wearing I would just turn off to them. This is strictly because I am a student of the "There are plenty of fish in the sea" theory and if 1 attractive woman is taken then there are 4 more behind her that are single.

Another thing I have noticed is that the classic beauties are having to compete with a lot of the fakeness that I see daily. I am talking about the fake blonde hair, fake boobs, makeup and push up bras. These are the girls who demand attention and by all means they get it even though I completely disagree with it.

Men mature at a later stage than women and the straight answer I can give is that the younger men aren't mature or confident enough to notice beauty and compliment on it without it being an issue. It does take a confident man to look at a woman and say, "You are very beautiful" A lot of younger guys will not even think about giving this compliment to a woman they do not know.

Do not let the lack of overly forward compliments from young men distress you or break your confidence. If you want to be sexy then it isn't completely based on your physical appearance. Confidence is one of the sexiest traits a girl can have. Yes, you can quote me, confidence is sexy. I can sniff out confidence a mile away and I have met many good looking girls who become unattractive to me because of their lack of confidence.

In closing, just because a guy doesn't look at you or compliment you, doesn't mean he didn't see you or thinks you're attractive. Keep your confidence, know you are beautiful and you will see other people will follow in suit. Confidence draws attention and demands it.

Holding Back?

Dear Mason,
I recently ended things with an ex due to his priorities being out of place, however we ended on good terms. We agreed to continue being friends, and we see eachother now and then. It has been 2 months since the break up. I put myself back out there,not looking for a relationship...just to have fun. Considering I am young, and I decided to see if there really was "more fish in the sea". I was proven right. Since then, I have had 7 guys be interested in me, and 3 others whom I am just getting to know. That being said, NONE of them interest me. They dont phase me. I still have very strong feelings for my ex, and really want to get back together. From time to time I think he wants the same thing. Others have told me I should tell him, but at the same time, I'm scared its too soon and he'll feel like I'm holding him back? Should I wait, or just go for the damn thing?

Thanks!
M

M,

When you spend so much time with the same person then that person grows on you. Yes, you are going on dates. Yes, other guys are interested. Yes, more guys will continue to be interested but what you are feeling is completely normal. Even if the relationship didn't end on good terms I'm pretty sure these feelings would still be there.

I guarantee he is feeling the same way whether he has said it or not. When 2 people share a relationship and that much time together then it is only natural to feel attached to that person like you right now.

The best way to approach anything is with honesty. Dating and relationships is no difference. (It took me way too long to figure that one out.) BE HONEST! If you feel something then embrace it, if you have feelings then share them, and never hold anything back. Four years from now do you want to be looking back and asking yourself, "What if?". You will never know what will happen until you throw yourself out there. Yes, it is a scary thing to do but you only live once. Never hold anything back and always embrace your feelings and be honest with them.

I say do it. If he doesn't feel the same way then it is better to know now then to be questioning it for the next 6 months. If he does feel the same way then more power to the both of you and everyone is happy!

Next Step Is A Stand Still?

Dearest Mason:

After being intimate with the same guy for seven months, I decided that it was time for the two of us to define what was going on between us. I’m the same confused girl from “Can We Make It More Obvious” and “Booty Calls: Not Just For 1 Night Stands,” and I became fed up with the lack of definition in our relationship. I sat him down a couple days ago and told him that it was necessary for us to decide what was going on between the two of us. I either wanted us to be exclusive, or we needed to stop hooking up. He told me that he didn’t think the two of us would be good as a couple, because I was too young, he was leaving to the Air Force in less than a year, he didn’t trust me to be exclusive and that we had underlying issues which would only be further agitated if we dated. I told him that was fine, and that I understood his points, but that I couldn’t be friends with him anymore because I couldn’t possibly separate my non-friendly feelings for him and my friendly feelings for him. He asked me for a hug before I left, and we said we’d miss each other. Right after I left, I received a text message from him asking me not to ignore him. I received another text message and he informed me of some inconsequential person arriving to a party he was at. The next day he sent me another text message asking me how I was doing, and later that night he sent that another text wishing me a good night. Then, he sent me another text message the day after informing me of some other inconsequential event. I don’t understand why he continues to contact me, and he continues to completely disregard my feelings. What’s going on and why does he keep doing this?!

M,

Ahhh, yes. This is a very common situation people get in and as a guy I have been in this as well. To put it simply, it sounds like the guy enjoys hanging out with you, hooking up with you and being with you but just doesn't want a relationship. He is perfectly content keeping the relationship you have with him where it is and not a step further.

Most guys will fill a girl's head with thoughts of relationships and wedding bells to keep a relationship moving, not moving forward, just moving. He doesn't want to move forward with a relationship and he doesn't want to be disconnected from you completely. It sounds like he is just ignoring what you are saying on purpose.

When I used to get in the same situation you are in, I would make excuses as to why a relationship wasn't a good idea. Sometimes I just ignored the topic all together. This will only lead to negativity when the girl wants a relationship and the guy is happy where he is because the girl starts to feel like her needs aren't being met when the guy is perfectly content. That is not a relationship, a relationship is not 50/50 anymore, it's 100/100.

After dealing with that situation a few times I found out how to deal with it with a way that works. Ready for it? HONESTY!!!! I found that when I was honest about what I wanted and how I felt, when I didn't fill girls' heads with ideas of relationships to get what I want then the type of relationship I have with these girls becomes more symbiotic. Unfortunately most guys still do the lying and the excuses because they don't say what they think or feel, they say what they think the girl wants to hear and most of the time they don't mean it. Now when the relationship talk comes up I have the same response every time, "I like how we are now. I have fun, you have fun, we have fun together. I don't want a relationship right now but I do enjoy hanging out with you and I think that keeping things the way they are would be just as fun." It's 50/50 with that but me being optimistic says that the 50% of girls that don't want to keep things the way they are end up being not for me anyways.

Oh sheesh, I hope I answered that question, I kind of went off on a tangent.

Stalk Much

Dear Mason,

I dated the guy for a few months. We were close, he dropped I Love You alot. I haven't been divorced for that long, so I wasn't ready for all that. I tried to communicate that I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. He didn't get it. It was finally just TOO much and I broke up with him completely. I was nice, I did it in person, I let him cry it out....I thought we'd move on. A week later he calls saying "I don't accept the break up, you're still my girlfriend". WTF. NO. A week goes by, more calls and texts to me, his girlfriend. I finally emailed, thinking if i put it in writing he'd get it, that we are NO LONGER DATING. sigh. Maybe I choose poorly but why don't guys just go away when you tell them to?

-P

P,

Wow, that sounds intense. First of all not ALL guys are like this. This guy just sounds like a VERY insecure guy. He most likely thinks that you are the best he can get or will ever have an doesn't want to let you go. You just need to ignore him and let him take a hint. No matter how he tries to contact you, just don't respond. You don't want him thinking that a response means you still care or that you are willing to work things out. The only way he is going to go away is if he forgets about you and to make that happen you need to ignore, ignore ignore.

You can see that you just got over it and no longer want to be with him and are no longer attracted to him in that way. Guys, on the other hand, see things differently. It takes a lot longer for a guy to lose that same attraction for a girl. It reminds me of lyrics from a 50 cent song, "I know if I can hit once, I can hit twice." (Wow, how low have I gone. I just quoted 50 cent.) This is the majority of mentality out of guys. If you hook up with a guy once then he will not understand why you won't do it again in the future. This sounds like your situation to the degree that your old boy can't figure out how you are not attracted to him. "If she was attracted to me before then she can be attracted to me again." It's a glass half full mentality. No guy ever wants to think of it as rejection and he will keep on thinking this and contacting you until he forgets about you or finds someone else.

Passive Or Aggressive

Hi Mason,

I've been divorced for almost three years and, within the past year, have actually had a bit of luck with online dating. I dated a few guys initially, then dated one guy steadily for about 6 months. I've learned the art of keeping my photo current and keeping those emails short and interesting, and guys almost always write back.

However, one problem that keeps happening repeatedly is this: A guy and I will email for a week or two (or three), he likes my photo, and everything seems fine, but the guy won't ask me out. If after a few emails the guy says he's into, say, surfing, I'd email him back and gently suggest an idea or two based on our emails, like, "Hey, I know you like to surf at Hermosa. Have you ever been to [insert name], that cool coffee bar by the beach? I hear it has a great view." He'll either say yes, I've heard of it, or no, I don't know about it, then never bring it up again.

BUT, the guy will keep on emailing, with the same tone, and with the same congeniality he had shown on the first email.... What's that about??

If a guy isn't into me, I can live with that -- let's move on and try again with someone else. But if a guy keeps emailing yet not making a move to get my number or meet up after I've spelled out I'm interested and even suggested places, then I don't get it.

Do you have any insight into this?

Signed,
Ms. V

Ms. V,

There are a couple reasons for this. Lets look at all of them.

Some of the guys on these online dating sites are NOT looking to hook up or date or what not. Some of them are perfectly fine with having an online pen pal and that is it. They enjoy the anonymity of being behind a computer and keyboard. They enjoy the reciprocation of conversation from the other side of the keyboard from someone they can believe is attracted to them who they don't need to meet because in their heads, a meeting will lead to rejection. This is why when you blatantly throw hints of interest and insinuate a meet they act like they don't know and continue with conversations.

On the other hand, some guys just don't get the blatantly obvious signs of attraction. Sometimes you have to grab the reigns and take charge and be the aggressor. If you see something you want then take charge and make it happen instead of dropping hints and waiting for a passive guy to ask you out or ask you for your number. Some guys just won't man up and take that step for fear of rejection.

Bottom line is, some guys aren't as aggressive as others. Sometimes a woman needs to take control and initiate something. If you feel like you are getting the run around then grab the bull by its horns and initiate something. Be the aggressor and you will start to see that the passive guys will just go away if they have no intentions of actually meeting you in person.

Numbers

Hey Mr. Mason Stanley,

Been reading your blog for a bit now and just curious what your opinion is on comparing 'numbers' with someone you are seeing. By numbers, I mean, the number of people you've slept with. I try to avoid it as long as possible, but sometimes when you see someone for awhile it does come up. If I straight out refuse to tell a number I think they assume it is very high(which it is) so I usually make up a much lower number. Making up a lower number is not usually a big deal, but what if I end up in a serious relationship with someone, end up getting married to him or something, do I then have to tell him the truth?
Example- I was with my last boyfriend for close to two years. In the beginning I knew he had only slept with 3 people before me, so I said my number was 8. I had to keep up with the lie for 2 years! Honestly, what would you think if you started dating a girl and her number was 10 times your number? I know what you are thinking, if you have to lie about something like that from the beginning maybe you shouldn't be with him, I've heard it many times from my girlfriends. If he really loved you he wouldn't care...blah blah blah. But most anyone I meet would care, and would judge me. That's just a fact.
The few times I have told the truth have not worked out very well for me. Guys are intimidated by my number. They start out saying it's no big deal, but as soon as things get sour it's the first thing they attack me with. I've had guys try to justify things they have done wrong in our relationship by using my past as an argument. Of course I quickly ditch them, but it just seems like everything was going so well until I fess up my number and everything falls apart.
I think part of my problem is that I am very outgoing and forward, but am attracted to the quiet, awkward, shy guys that usually have no game. It's kinda the opposites attract thing, I guess.

So...Do I keep lying or what?
Oh, and if you don't mind I'd love to read your opinion on a girl's number. How many is too many? etc.

G,

Ahhh, the numbers question, the question you ask when you want to see someone squirm or lie. Truth is, MOST people lie about their numbers and keep it up. I stay away from this question because I know the answer will be a lie and then it will get my wheels turning and it's something I don't want to think about. When I start getting serious with a girl, I don't ever like the number question. I feel the less I know about her dating past, the better for me. This is less for me to worry about, less for me to think about, and less to fight over. "Keep your history a mystery"

About lying to the numbers question, I would just avoid it all together. I think that is a stupid question and that it has no relevance to any relationship. I understand people want to know for health reasons but health concerns can be addressed in 1 test that any sexually active person should be getting at least every 6 months.

If you must say a number then I would be honest. If you aren't honest in the beginning then the past always has a habit of coming back to bite you in the butt.

Regarding a girls' number, I never ask. Of course every guy would want every girls number to be 0 but we don't live in that world. Most guys will think that any number above 10-15 would be too high but then again you have to take age into consideration. The older you get the higher your number will get as well.