He May Not Be That Into You

Hello Mason, saw your blog and wanted your insight (if I can!). I'm 35 and this guy is a 36-yr old bach. We actually knew each other in high school, lost touch and 'remet' just this past July on Facebook! It was crazy. He confessed to me that he had a crush on me in high school. Anyway, he lives in El Paso but is missing Chicago so bad since he moved to EP in April 2008. I flew out to EP in Oct to visit him and we had a great time. But look...

It seems lately, I'm getting a strange vibe on things with Adolfo. I realize I'm the one who sent HIM the nasty text message (on Oct 29th) Here we are mid-December now. He arrived in Chicago on T-giving and I went to his soccer game the next day. That's great. So the last time I saw him was Nov 29th and one of the last things I said was 'call me when you get back from your trip.' He replied 'I will.'. I even had asked him prior to that 'are you still angry with me?' (for sending that nasty text msg) And he said 'no'. (so I didn't dwell on that anymore.

He left for his Colombia trip on Dec 2nd and I know he came back to Chicago on Dec 10th. Now I never heard from him since he returned and I purposely called him yesterday morning and left the v/mail about the Willow Creek Christmas thing just to see if he would go OR what reason he would give me for not going. I know he wasn't lying about the grandma's party this weekend bec I remember when I was in El Paso, he showed me an email his aunt sent him inviting the family to this 'party'. I just seem to notice he seems 'distant' toward me even just in general. It's like he can't really make any extra 'time' to see me while he's here for a MONTH. He's here until Jan 5th. I know I saw him 3 weeks ago, but it just seems that you'd think he'd say 'Hey Melanie, I can't go this weekend, but let's get together next week.' Or something like that. I don't sense any real push for that. You know what I mean? The last thing on his v/mail was 'I'll try and give you a call this week.'

It makes it seem like it's a big effort to pick up the phone and he's right here in town. So it makes me feel like 'wow, I guess I'm really more easily to get a hold of when he's back in El Paso and things aren't as exciting.' Seriously. It's something I'm picking up on. I have prayed to God several times and asked him to show me if this person should be in my life and I am not sure what the answer is. I think it's bec I'm a little frustrated. I think by him coming back to Chicago it's kind of showing me a side of him I wouldn't see in El Paso? He's very nice to me and all, but I just get a 'feeling' that I can't shake. I think I should just pull back completely and not get so upset.

The BIG thing that is causing me to 'feel' this way is I truly believe he is still 'shopping' for a woman. I mean really, what guy would not keep his options open and be on the prowl if he's single and met someone who has a kid and isn't divorced yet? I almost wonder if that's why he's still single at 36 and only had one serious girlfriend since age 23. He is definitely into the bachelor life but occasionally wants the 'committed' life when maybe the wells are a little dry? Who knows who is with or what is really going on. What he's been up to on the weekends is kind of a mystery to me. Of the guy friends he has, most are married except a couple. The female best friend he has is married and so is the girl who just got married and we went to that wedding together in August. I just feel like Yes, he may really like me and could see himself with me, but on the other hand, I feel he is still out looking for 'something' and I don't know what that is. Like he can't just be satisfied. He wants to look and still dabble with the ladies. I've never been in a situation like this before and I guess I'm scared that just being 'around' and liking him and thinking he's out shopping. on the other hand, I wonder 'hmm, what if this guy is someone for me and if I just stop talking to him for no reason, I blow it?' So I think I need to cut myself off emotionally and just not care. Here's what I think I could do: he used to call me pretty much every week when we first started talking. I believe if the contact between us becomes far and few between on the phone calls that I should just not return the calls and let it go. I don't know but that alone could be a sign? Or is he just seeing what else is out there knowing I'll 'wait' since he knows I like him?

M,

Sounds like you know what is going on. To me it sounds like this guy just isn't that into you. If he was that into you he would be calling, trying to make time for you, and less mysterious. Sounds like you are around and convenient for when he wants to hang out but actually taking time out of whatever he is doing for you is out of the question.

You just need to cut things off before you become too attached. I'm not saying that you shouldn't hang out with him or see him but don't get emotionally attached. Don't get invested because it doesn't sound like he is. You should back off a bit and see if he comes to you. See if he will take the time to try to contact you. It says a lot about a guy when he won't contact a woman.

Maybe he is just shopping but it's been a few months now. When is the shopping going to end? That is if it ever ends. You need to get away from the idea that you can change him. Women always think they can change guys, then get emotionally invested and then get hurt. It's not worth it. The only person that can change a guy is the guy himself and if you haven't started to see that already then I hate to be the one to break it to you but it doesn't sound like it will happen.

Cut your losses and don't expect anything with this one. If you don't expect anything right now and something happens then it is just a welcome surprise when it does but as for right now it sounds like he just isn't that into you.

What If?

My question is whether a rejected guy has moved on for now, or for good. and also it right or wrong to to confess your love back to someone, a year later after they have just started to move on.

background information:

I am completely head over heels in love with my old roommate, and now friend who lives in another city. We always have the best time and the most fun together whenever he comes to visit. We've known eachother 5 years now, during which i had a baby from another relationship. Last christmas, he finally told me he was crazy about me, and has been for a while, that i turned his life upside down when he met me, he said he could move to my city after he finished school, he said the sweetest things ... then i said: not right now. because its too complicated! Living in different cities and me having a kid. i didn't mention that i was still in a controlling relationship that i was struggling to end once and for all. i told him i felt the same way but it would be better to be friends for now, until i got stable and more independent. I acted more distant so he wouldn't try to kiss me. In letters i would be more distant, because i was afraid he would try to come to my city. The truth is i was scared it wouldnt be the same if he came, he would feel bored or tied down to me if he did move here. all the while i felt like i was doing the right thing, because he is young and has a lot of living to do first, and i wasnt in a mental state to have another relationship.

its christmas again, and this year hes not coming to visit, and i hear second hand he just got a girlfriend. he hasnt told me personally anything, and hasnt written in a month. now i feel like an idiot becuase my sons a bit older, i broke with my ex, and i have been secretly hoping we could start where we left off and we could work something out this year. i am not jealous, just sad that i wont see him this year, and also really worried that this could be him gone forever. i can accept him having another girlfriend while i am not able to be with him. but i cant bear the thought of never being with him ever again. do you think now that hes moved on, he is over me? should i bring up the subject of us again, or do some gesture of love? is it selfish to do this when hes in new relationship, even when i believe its true love? what would he want me to do, let go or let him know im willing to give it a try?

thanks
selfishly in love


selfishly in love,

The easiest thing to do is just to be honest! He was honest with you once in the past and it didn't seem like it worked too well for him. After a guy confesses his true feelings like that and it goes nowhere then it is your job to make the next move after that. It is hard for a guy to confess something like that and even harder for him to confess it twice.

The girlfriend thing is expected. You don't live by him, you told him it wasn't the right time. There is no reason for him to go back home and then wait for you. Girlfriend or not it is good to let someone know how you feel. If it is meant for you two to be together then there will be a way but that way will not find itself unless you provide the catalyst. You need to let him know that you feel the same way. If things don't progress from there then at least you were able to get your feelings off your back.

Sounds like you rejected him and he moved on, as guys do. Guys are also creatures of habit so if he confessed his feelings before then there is a very strong chance he didn't lose those feelings, just stored them somewhere where he didn't have to deal with them everyday. If those feelings are there for him then it is going to take you to provoke those feelings again.

Honesty is always the best policy no matter what the situation is. Don't play games, don't beat around the bush. If he doesn't feel the same way anymore then you know you tried. It is better then looking back on this years later thinking, "What if". Everyone hates "What if's".

Too Soon?

Hey Mason,

My name is joss I find myself in a very awkward situation and I need
advice . I recently started tlkn to this guy that I wrk with we've gone
in one date nd out to lunch . This past sat I invited him to go with me
to an 18th bday party nd after that we went back to his place and ended
up sleeping with him . I knw it was too soon but now I feel like he's
going to lose interest in me or not like me anymore. He just got out
of a long term relationship nd told me he doesn't want anything
serious but I feel that maybe along the line we could work something out
, but now that I slept with him I dnt knw if he's going to want to.
What do you think?!

-j

j,

I see what you are getting at but just because you sleep with someone doesnt mean that they are going to lose interest. Most of the time, sex will build attraction. You have already hung out with him before you slept with him, you have gone on dates. It doesn't sound like a 1 night stand. Heck, even some 1 night stands turn into relationships.

I don't like to tell people to put a time limit or what not on how long they have to wait to have sex with someone. I think little unspoken rules like that are stupid. It is a firm belief of mine that you should do what you feel! If it feels right then go for it, never do anything you think you may regret. If you regret something then just remember at one point it was exactly what you wanted.

Don't think that sleeping with someone too soon is a bad thing because sometimes "too soon" is not too soon at all. If it feels right do it, never regret anything but take responsibility for your actions. Sometimes people have such a strong connection when they first meet that they end up sleeping with each other the first night and it progresses from there. Majority of guys are not assholes, majority of guys won't sleep with someone they have already gone on dates with and then just not call them.

Get out of the "Too Soon" frame of mind because at one point it was exactly what you wanted. Go with it and see what happens, if you guys end up being anything then at least you can say you tried.

Confidence Demands Attention

Mason,

I am a 30 year old married woman. I have been married for 10 wonderful years. Every year gets better and better with my husband. My question isn't about my husband, it's about myself and about men my age. My husband is 20+ years older than me. He tells me I'm beautiful every day and loves me unconditionally.

Yet, I am still a little insecure. It seems as though men my age or younger never look at me, I am totally off their radar. I have decided to go back to school and am now in a junior college filled will younger people than myself. I have tried to see if it's because of my shyness. For several days I made more eye contact and smiled more and I have tried to initiate small talk, in a non-flirtatious ways. I feel as though I am approachable, but I am usually pretty quiet and look down most of the time. I'm not interested in other men romantically, so is that it? If I'm off the market am I no longer attractive?

I feel embarrassed even asking the question. But I really wonder why. Am I unapproachable? Is there something wrong with me that makes me unattractive. I watch my weight, I wear nice clothes, I wear deodorant, I brush my teeth and my hair and I don't wear too much make-up, I don't soak in perfume. I would say that I have a classic hourglass body shape, a small belly, but I'm not fat by any means.

Older men have no problem in telling me that I am pretty or attractive or just simply looking. But men my age and younger don't seem to look twice unless they are somewhat mental. Why is this? I've always wanted to know, and it's been like this since I was sixteen.

Here are a few pictures, I would appreciate it if you would not post them on your blog, but please use them as reference to answer my question. I would also appreciate an honest answer, if I'm just not attractive to younger men please say so. Maybe it's because older men have lower standards (that's the only thing that I can think of).

C


C,

Let me start off by saying, after hearing what you said and looking at the pictures, there is no reason that men shouldn't find you attractive. This is coming from a 23 year old bachelor. That is not to say that just because a man finds you attractive it doesn't mean he will broadcast the fact.

I have noticed, more than ever now, things are changing and younger guys aren't blatantly complimenting or expressing interest in women that they know things aren't going to go nowhere with. I find many older women attractive but I don't stare, compliment or even press the issue. I take it for what it is and move on. Another thing I have noticed myself doing after reading your email was when I did see the attractive older women and then saw the ring they were wearing I would just turn off to them. This is strictly because I am a student of the "There are plenty of fish in the sea" theory and if 1 attractive woman is taken then there are 4 more behind her that are single.

Another thing I have noticed is that the classic beauties are having to compete with a lot of the fakeness that I see daily. I am talking about the fake blonde hair, fake boobs, makeup and push up bras. These are the girls who demand attention and by all means they get it even though I completely disagree with it.

Men mature at a later stage than women and the straight answer I can give is that the younger men aren't mature or confident enough to notice beauty and compliment on it without it being an issue. It does take a confident man to look at a woman and say, "You are very beautiful" A lot of younger guys will not even think about giving this compliment to a woman they do not know.

Do not let the lack of overly forward compliments from young men distress you or break your confidence. If you want to be sexy then it isn't completely based on your physical appearance. Confidence is one of the sexiest traits a girl can have. Yes, you can quote me, confidence is sexy. I can sniff out confidence a mile away and I have met many good looking girls who become unattractive to me because of their lack of confidence.

In closing, just because a guy doesn't look at you or compliment you, doesn't mean he didn't see you or thinks you're attractive. Keep your confidence, know you are beautiful and you will see other people will follow in suit. Confidence draws attention and demands it.

Holding Back?

Dear Mason,
I recently ended things with an ex due to his priorities being out of place, however we ended on good terms. We agreed to continue being friends, and we see eachother now and then. It has been 2 months since the break up. I put myself back out there,not looking for a relationship...just to have fun. Considering I am young, and I decided to see if there really was "more fish in the sea". I was proven right. Since then, I have had 7 guys be interested in me, and 3 others whom I am just getting to know. That being said, NONE of them interest me. They dont phase me. I still have very strong feelings for my ex, and really want to get back together. From time to time I think he wants the same thing. Others have told me I should tell him, but at the same time, I'm scared its too soon and he'll feel like I'm holding him back? Should I wait, or just go for the damn thing?

Thanks!
M

M,

When you spend so much time with the same person then that person grows on you. Yes, you are going on dates. Yes, other guys are interested. Yes, more guys will continue to be interested but what you are feeling is completely normal. Even if the relationship didn't end on good terms I'm pretty sure these feelings would still be there.

I guarantee he is feeling the same way whether he has said it or not. When 2 people share a relationship and that much time together then it is only natural to feel attached to that person like you right now.

The best way to approach anything is with honesty. Dating and relationships is no difference. (It took me way too long to figure that one out.) BE HONEST! If you feel something then embrace it, if you have feelings then share them, and never hold anything back. Four years from now do you want to be looking back and asking yourself, "What if?". You will never know what will happen until you throw yourself out there. Yes, it is a scary thing to do but you only live once. Never hold anything back and always embrace your feelings and be honest with them.

I say do it. If he doesn't feel the same way then it is better to know now then to be questioning it for the next 6 months. If he does feel the same way then more power to the both of you and everyone is happy!

Next Step Is A Stand Still?

Dearest Mason:

After being intimate with the same guy for seven months, I decided that it was time for the two of us to define what was going on between us. I’m the same confused girl from “Can We Make It More Obvious” and “Booty Calls: Not Just For 1 Night Stands,” and I became fed up with the lack of definition in our relationship. I sat him down a couple days ago and told him that it was necessary for us to decide what was going on between the two of us. I either wanted us to be exclusive, or we needed to stop hooking up. He told me that he didn’t think the two of us would be good as a couple, because I was too young, he was leaving to the Air Force in less than a year, he didn’t trust me to be exclusive and that we had underlying issues which would only be further agitated if we dated. I told him that was fine, and that I understood his points, but that I couldn’t be friends with him anymore because I couldn’t possibly separate my non-friendly feelings for him and my friendly feelings for him. He asked me for a hug before I left, and we said we’d miss each other. Right after I left, I received a text message from him asking me not to ignore him. I received another text message and he informed me of some inconsequential person arriving to a party he was at. The next day he sent me another text message asking me how I was doing, and later that night he sent that another text wishing me a good night. Then, he sent me another text message the day after informing me of some other inconsequential event. I don’t understand why he continues to contact me, and he continues to completely disregard my feelings. What’s going on and why does he keep doing this?!

M,

Ahhh, yes. This is a very common situation people get in and as a guy I have been in this as well. To put it simply, it sounds like the guy enjoys hanging out with you, hooking up with you and being with you but just doesn't want a relationship. He is perfectly content keeping the relationship you have with him where it is and not a step further.

Most guys will fill a girl's head with thoughts of relationships and wedding bells to keep a relationship moving, not moving forward, just moving. He doesn't want to move forward with a relationship and he doesn't want to be disconnected from you completely. It sounds like he is just ignoring what you are saying on purpose.

When I used to get in the same situation you are in, I would make excuses as to why a relationship wasn't a good idea. Sometimes I just ignored the topic all together. This will only lead to negativity when the girl wants a relationship and the guy is happy where he is because the girl starts to feel like her needs aren't being met when the guy is perfectly content. That is not a relationship, a relationship is not 50/50 anymore, it's 100/100.

After dealing with that situation a few times I found out how to deal with it with a way that works. Ready for it? HONESTY!!!! I found that when I was honest about what I wanted and how I felt, when I didn't fill girls' heads with ideas of relationships to get what I want then the type of relationship I have with these girls becomes more symbiotic. Unfortunately most guys still do the lying and the excuses because they don't say what they think or feel, they say what they think the girl wants to hear and most of the time they don't mean it. Now when the relationship talk comes up I have the same response every time, "I like how we are now. I have fun, you have fun, we have fun together. I don't want a relationship right now but I do enjoy hanging out with you and I think that keeping things the way they are would be just as fun." It's 50/50 with that but me being optimistic says that the 50% of girls that don't want to keep things the way they are end up being not for me anyways.

Oh sheesh, I hope I answered that question, I kind of went off on a tangent.

Stalk Much

Dear Mason,

I dated the guy for a few months. We were close, he dropped I Love You alot. I haven't been divorced for that long, so I wasn't ready for all that. I tried to communicate that I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. He didn't get it. It was finally just TOO much and I broke up with him completely. I was nice, I did it in person, I let him cry it out....I thought we'd move on. A week later he calls saying "I don't accept the break up, you're still my girlfriend". WTF. NO. A week goes by, more calls and texts to me, his girlfriend. I finally emailed, thinking if i put it in writing he'd get it, that we are NO LONGER DATING. sigh. Maybe I choose poorly but why don't guys just go away when you tell them to?

-P

P,

Wow, that sounds intense. First of all not ALL guys are like this. This guy just sounds like a VERY insecure guy. He most likely thinks that you are the best he can get or will ever have an doesn't want to let you go. You just need to ignore him and let him take a hint. No matter how he tries to contact you, just don't respond. You don't want him thinking that a response means you still care or that you are willing to work things out. The only way he is going to go away is if he forgets about you and to make that happen you need to ignore, ignore ignore.

You can see that you just got over it and no longer want to be with him and are no longer attracted to him in that way. Guys, on the other hand, see things differently. It takes a lot longer for a guy to lose that same attraction for a girl. It reminds me of lyrics from a 50 cent song, "I know if I can hit once, I can hit twice." (Wow, how low have I gone. I just quoted 50 cent.) This is the majority of mentality out of guys. If you hook up with a guy once then he will not understand why you won't do it again in the future. This sounds like your situation to the degree that your old boy can't figure out how you are not attracted to him. "If she was attracted to me before then she can be attracted to me again." It's a glass half full mentality. No guy ever wants to think of it as rejection and he will keep on thinking this and contacting you until he forgets about you or finds someone else.