Ask Mason

Guys Can't Read Minds

2011-10-24T23:08:00.000-07:00

Hi
i stumbled onto your blog when i was searching the internet for advice.

I don't have a problem getting attention from guys. Without sounding arrogant, it comes quite easily - guys find me attractive and i'm good at flirting etc.

The problem i have is getting a boyfriend.

I'm 18 years old and still a virgin. not because i havent had the oppurtunity to lose it but i want it to be with a guy who is committed to me and i seem to struggle to get guys to stay interested and want to be exclusive with me.

After almost 2 years of being messed around by a guy who never went out with me - we just kissed when we were drunk at parties (looking back i realise i made myself far too available to him), i was so excited when i met this guy called greg. He's a couple of years older than me and started taking me out for dinner and drinks - very sweet. He messaged me every day consistently. I also stayed at his house a lot did a lot but never went all the way because he never said anything about commitment to me.

A couple of months have passed now, he's back at uni and we see each other every so often when he comes back to london. He's far less consistent, cancels on me, never calls - just texts, sees me at night but doesnt take me out, essentially i've become a booty call (without the sex ha).

With the guy before him, he also started out being really keen and it fizzled out. There is definitely a pattern developing!

What am i doing wrong?

Any advice you could offer would be much appreciated as you seem to be writing really good stuff on your blog.

Thanks,
K

K,

First of all, I think you have been watching way too many romantic movies. Guys these days don't act like they do in the movies. Chivalry isn't dead, it has just been updated and translated. You can not wait for a guy to do EVERYTHING. This is a huge mistake and it will only turn out for the worst.

You can not confuse playing hard to get with being impossible to get. This is a big mistake that a lot of girls make. They don't want to be too easy so they play what they think is hard to get when in reality they are playing impossible to get. This can be explained using the, "Cat String Theory". Dangle a string in front of a cat and it will jump to get the string. Pull the string away and the cat will pursue the string as long as this continues under one condition. The string is attainable. Move the string too far out of the grasp of the cat and the cat will become unwilling to pursue. Don't move the string and the cat will become bored with it once it has it. It is a constant push pull, all the while maintaining a balance of letting the cat have the string and taking it away from the cat.

This same principle applies to us! Just like you were doing with the older guy that was taking you out. You thought you made yourself, "Far too available" for the guy that you were into for 2 years. Now, you think to yourself that you aren't going to make the same mistake with this guy, so you do the complete opposite. Instead of leaving the string in front of him, you never let him know it was attainable. A guy will court a girl as long as he thinks it is going somewhere. We are not taking you out so we can get out of the house for the night, we have guy friends for that. Once a guy thinks that his efforts in courting a girl are exhausted and he is bound for endless dates and make-out slumber parties, of course he is going to start detaching and moving on.

Let me go over that one more time just in case you missed the point. A guy will continue as long as he is under the impression something is developing. This DOES NOT mean you have to sleep with him immediately. This means if the past 5 dates ended in you guys making out in the car before going home alone, don't hold your breath for a 6th. Dating is DIFFERENT that hanging out:

Dating: is a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse.

Hanging Out: To socialize with your friends, whether it is of your choosing or not; most of the time the term is uesd to refer to a type of fun.

From what you told me, it sounds like you never told any of the guys you were with that you wanted a commitment and you went from dating to hanging out. If this is something that is important to you then it is something that should be important to the guy you are dating. If the guy you are dating doesn't feel this way as well then there are plenty of other guys out there that will respect you the way you deserve to be respected but no one can read minds and you need to be vocal about what you want and need.

-M

College Virgin?

2009-02-23T22:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Mason:

I found your blog fascinating, and I read through every single entry over the last couple of days. However, I have an issue that I was hoping I could talk to you about.

I am a twenty-two-year-old college senior. I think I'm pretty attractive, I'm smart, I like football and baseball, and I have lots of guy friends. I don't have trouble getting dates, really...the trouble comes after.

This wasn't really an issue in high school, but since I came to college, I've had two seperate incidences that have left me a little shaken. Both times, up until this point, the relationships were smooth and fun...we went out on several dates, had a good time, a kiss goodnight at the front door, nothing more. The first relationship lasted about six weeks, my sophomore year of college. We went out every weekend and a couple of times each week. The night we broke up, he dropped me off at home, and then he realized he'd locked his housekey inside his apartment. So he wanted to wait at my place until his roommate came home to let him in. I agreed, turned on a movie, and we sat down to wait. Long story short, the movie turned into a makeout session (which hadn't ever happened before), and I stopped it before it got too far, because I felt that I needed to be honest with him. I'm a virgin.

It hadn't ever come up before, because I'd never been in a serious relationship. But he got mad at me, told me I'd led him on, and left. I never talked to him again.

At first, I thought that he was just a jerk, and I tried to put it out of my mind. But just this past fall, I encountered the same issue. This time, the "number" question came up, this time about three weeks into the relationship. When I told him that I'd never been with anyone else, he thought I was lying to him. I tried to explain, but the relationship quickly fizzed out, and by the end of that week, we were hardly talking.

So my question is this: I'm certainly not willing to throw my First Time away, so how do I talk about this without coming across as a liar or a tease?

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for your help!
-L

L,

First off, let me start off by saying that being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed about, it is something to be proud of. I have friends that are still virgins and I have nothing but the utmost respect for them. With that said, onto the questions.

First of all, you aren't a tease unless a guy expects sex and if a guy is expecting sex then he is probably not the guy for you. Ok, all guys want sex but the right guys won't mind waiting. If I met a girl that I was all about then I would have no qualms waiting to have sex with her until she felt comfortable. Like you said, "I'm certainly not willing to throw my First Time away" which is good because the right guy will understand and go at your speed. The guys that are getting mad and running away when they find out that you are a virgin are after the low hanging fruit. These guys are after the girls they can take out for a drink and then take back to their place for a night of debauchery.

Never think of your virginity as a bad thing. That is something you should be proud of. I'm not saying to go around and flaunt it at every opportunity but if I was a virgin I would for sure mention it within the first couple times of hanging out with a girl. The easiest way to bring it up in the future is to mention it early and playfully. I would bring it up in casual conversation and see how the guy reacts. If the guy's reaction is not what you want it to be then you have just saved yourself a lot of time. If it is what you want it to be then you can turn the conversation serious and go from there.

By any means, don't think of your virginity as a bad thing. It is something to be proud of and something you don't want to throw away.

The Other Man...And Woman

2009-02-12T21:43:00.000-08:00

I am a married woman with two children. For several years I've watched my husband's activity on the internet and didn't like what I've been seeing. You have the usual things like searching porn, viewing movies, stories, etc., and trust me when I say I have no problem with these things. I would only check from time to time and it wasn't obsessive until I discovered an email from a woman whom he apparently had conversation with before and she was giving a quite detailed description of herself, sent pictures and proceeded to ask about him, even the sexual positions he liked. I was furious, and the first thing I did was load spyware on his computer. Boy oh boy did the plot thicken from there. The very first report I received showed where the hubby had been searching for local escorts, and had even typed her telephone number into a reverse phone lookup site to obtain her address....kind of strange huh? Anyway, without going into more detail, believe when I say it gets much, much worse.

I was miserable while plotting to catch my husband in action. I quit sleeping with him, and it was awful at home and I grew very, very, lonely. This went on for several months and I would sit at work and cry at night and think of doing anthing but going home. Then one day, a male friend of mine from work came by to say goodbye and noticed I had been crying. He asked if I was okay. I said yes, and he said it didn't look that way and he wanted to let me know he would be there if I needed to talk. As you can imagine, I took him up on the offer. Our friendship grew and I found myself confiding in him more and more. This man became my best friend, my lover, and I fell madly in love with him. He made me feel as though I was the only woman in the world. We had a great time together, and it was unbelievable how everything just clicked.......everything from being with each other and doing absolutely nothing to having the most incredible passionate sex.

This relationship lasted for 10 months and grew stronger day by day. Of course, due to the circumstances, our relationship we had some rocky moments. I was still a married woman planning my divorce, he thought he may lose his job and have to relocate, his fear of children, and many more. We made it through all of those bumps in the road and still the emotions grew deeper. Later, there was a bump we did not get over.....his old girlfriend.

He had apparently dated this girl for over a year before he chose to take a job here and had to move away. He begged her to come with him, but she could not leave her family. He had moved on and she tried, but she couldn't and then she proceeded to call him crying saying she couldn't do it. She was ready to move here with him and wanted another chance. To make a long story short, he chose to give her that chance. He said he felt like it was a duty, something he had to do, something he owed to her......something still to this day I can't figure out.

Anyway, he told me that he tried to keep his distance from me and not care too much because of the situation, but he cared for me deeply. He said he was confused and scared because he didn't know how to stop caring about me and start over with her. He wanted to remain friends with me, but an email, fueled with hurt and anger and filled with mean things that I didn't mean at all, basically ruined the friendship too. After that email, he said I hurt him and wasn't the kind of friend he needed and still to this day (4 months later) he won't talk to me. Our friendship was the strongest part and he was the best friend I've ever had. Yes, I was madly in love with him too, but the friendship by far was the best part. I've apologized numerous times and begged for his forgiveness, but still nothing.

Why did he feel like he owed this woman a chance? Did he love her? If so, why did he feel like it was a duty? Why did he say he cared deeply for me only to let me down and choose her in the end? How can I get over him? Now divorced, I'm scared to pursue another relationship. I'm scared I will fall deeply in love again, think everything clicks perfectly, and mis-read another man's true feelings leaving me broken hearted all over again. From a man's point of view, what do you think was going through his mind and heart?

C,

Wow, that is one intense story. Let me address your questions one by one. When him and his ex broke up it seems like there were no bitter feelings. He took a job and she didn't go with him. For whatever reason she didn't go with him he is going to feel like it is his fault they are not together and when you have that feeling it isn't easy to shake. The person responsible for the breakup usually never wants it in the first place. If this guy felt responsible because he took the job somewhere else then it means he didn't want the breakup to happen and still sees the girl as someone he wants to date but is unable to at the current time. Everyone has "That person", you know, the one you always have in the back of your mind and if they come back around you will jump through hoops to be with. I am assuming this girl was "that person", his so called kryptonite, if you will. He feels responsible for the breakup so again he would feel obligated to be with her again if she was always in the back of his mind.

Love her? Now that is a tough question. I bet you he will say he did love her at one point but if he did then why did he take the job? Shouldn't love take precedent? Being happy and in love should take the front seat to a job in another city when given an option but there are always exceptions. I can honestly say that I can not say whether he loved her or not.

The man probably did and still does care deeply for you but when his ex came around he was still carrying the guilt from leaving her behind. That is the reason he felt he owed it to her. It is almost as a, "first come first serve" rule. She was with him first and therefore he feels that obligation toward her. Kind of the same way that a girl has that weird attachment to her "first". There was no closure between them and everyone needs closure.

Getting over him means distancing yourself from him and everything that reminds you of him. You have to learn how to be single. Most importantly, you need to learn how to be single before you can even think about dating another man. It is my recommendation to anyone that they are 100% comfortable with being single before it is safe to get into another relationship.

You went from marriage directly into a relationship. That is completely not healthy dating practice. Whether you know it or not you did bring baggage into your relationship from your marriage and that too may have been a reason for the other man's sudden change of heart when his ex came.

You need to be single and comfortable with it. It is when we are single that we truly get to know ourselves and in getting to know ourselves we find out what we have to offer and that will help you dating life.

Space May Be The Case

2009-01-28T22:55:00.001-08:00

Hi Mason,

My fiancé and I have been together almost 4 years in may. Last week we had a really big fight which turned alittle violent. My fiancé said that it was really over this time. We were supposed to be heading down to Melbourne last Tuesday. Obviously I’m still in Sydney. I can only assume he went to i Melbourne. I have had no contact with him since the argument. He came home and packed a suitcase. But he didn’t take all of his things. He spoke to our landlord on the Friday but didn’t mention anything about ending the lease. Hes still friends with me on facebook and all of his family too. His status still says engaged. I’m really confused I don’t know what too think. Part of me is thinking that this is usual rob walk out when things get bad and come back a few days later. And part of me is thinking that this is it. My question is if a guy wanted to leave and had the opportunity would he leave for good as quickly as possible?

-E

E,

I dont think this situation is guy specific. If anyone wanted to leave for good they would leave as soon as possible. There is no reason for someone to stay in a situation that they don't want to be in. I know that is a lot easier said than done because there are a lot of people that are in situations they don't want to be in and can't get out of. If a person has the opportunity to get out then do it!

This is the reason a lot of guys will sometimes intentionally pick fights with girls so they have a reason to walk away. I know I am guilty of this before. I was dating 2 girls and it was getting serious with both of them at the same time and they didn't know about each other. I had to pick between the 2 of them so I instigated a fight with one and then ended it.

On the other hand it just sounds like your guy needs some alone time. I don't care who you are or what relationship you are in. Everyone needs alone time sometime. When a fight happens, give the guy his space. Once the fumes from the fight start to die down then that is when you can really talk. Don't make rash decisions when you are in the heat of the moment.

Give the guy his space and then talk to him about it. No matter how bad the fight or what was said, you guys should remember the good times you have had and for that sake there needs to be some dialogue established.

Too Much, Too Fast

2009-01-02T15:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Mason,

I fell for a guy at work. Even though he was in another city, we became good friends over the phone. He moved to where I stay in January and we started working in the same department.
We started talking almost daily. He used to call me every night, he took me to select a house for him too!

I finally confessed that I loved him and after a long silence of 10 days, he came back to me and said that he really likes me too but is not sure if he loves me. He said he needs some time to figure it out and that we should try seeing each other meantime.
We started going out and I was so happy!! I was very emotionally involved but he wasn't so emotionally involved. He would be great over sms or telephone but very aloof when we were together in person

However, just after three weeks, he said that he does not think it would work out! His reasons were that he doesn't think he cares for me too much and that he will never change as a person. He also said that the problem lies with him and not with me! I think these are just evasive tactics and that he simply didn't like me.

What I cant understand is how he could dump me in 3 weeks??

We were best friends before but now have completely stopped talking to each other. I dont know what to do now and how to handle this situation.
Most of all, I need answers to why he dumped me and what was so bad!

Please help! I have to see him everyday and it kills me

- Fat, Lonely and Sad

Fat, Lonely and Sad,

This sounds like a classic case of too much too fast. A relationship can only move as fast as the slowest person. Move too fast and you'll leave a great person behind. It sounds like you were already head over heals before he had a chance to evaluate the situation. Things should always move slowly. Confessing your love and then dating was the wrong progression of events.

He probably ended it because things were moving too fast. 3 weeks is way to fast to be completely emotionally invested for a guy. Guys emotions take longer to develop than girls and that's why girls see a lot of guys as non-committal. It's not that guys are non-committal, it's that when a girl moves too fast emotionally then it scares off the guy. I have personally been scared off a few times by girls like that and it's nothing against the girls. They were great girls, fun and attractive but too much too fast was too much for me.

This would be a hard one to save but if you think it's worth it then I would suggest the idea to him of dating as friends and taking things real slow. If something like this does happen then whatever you do, do not move faster than him. That would be a best case scenario but no matter what is said now, it won't take away that you did move too fast in the beginning.

He May Not Be That Into You

2009-01-02T15:13:00.000-08:00

Hello Mason, saw your blog and wanted your insight (if I can!). I'm 35 and this guy is a 36-yr old bach. We actually knew each other in high school, lost touch and 'remet' just this past July on Facebook! It was crazy. He confessed to me that he had a crush on me in high school. Anyway, he lives in El Paso but is missing Chicago so bad since he moved to EP in April 2008. I flew out to EP in Oct to visit him and we had a great time. But look...

It seems lately, I'm getting a strange vibe on things with Adolfo. I realize I'm the one who sent HIM the nasty text message (on Oct 29th) Here we are mid-December now. He arrived in Chicago on T-giving and I went to his soccer game the next day. That's great. So the last time I saw him was Nov 29th and one of the last things I said was 'call me when you get back from your trip.' He replied 'I will.'. I even had asked him prior to that 'are you still angry with me?' (for sending that nasty text msg) And he said 'no'. (so I didn't dwell on that anymore.

He left for his Colombia trip on Dec 2nd and I know he came back to Chicago on Dec 10th. Now I never heard from him since he returned and I purposely called him yesterday morning and left the v/mail about the Willow Creek Christmas thing just to see if he would go OR what reason he would give me for not going. I know he wasn't lying about the grandma's party this weekend bec I remember when I was in El Paso, he showed me an email his aunt sent him inviting the family to this 'party'. I just seem to notice he seems 'distant' toward me even just in general. It's like he can't really make any extra 'time' to see me while he's here for a MONTH. He's here until Jan 5th. I know I saw him 3 weeks ago, but it just seems that you'd think he'd say 'Hey Melanie, I can't go this weekend, but let's get together next week.' Or something like that. I don't sense any real push for that. You know what I mean? The last thing on his v/mail was 'I'll try and give you a call this week.'

It makes it seem like it's a big effort to pick up the phone and he's right here in town. So it makes me feel like 'wow, I guess I'm really more easily to get a hold of when he's back in El Paso and things aren't as exciting.' Seriously. It's something I'm picking up on. I have prayed to God several times and asked him to show me if this person should be in my life and I am not sure what the answer is. I think it's bec I'm a little frustrated. I think by him coming back to Chicago it's kind of showing me a side of him I wouldn't see in El Paso? He's very nice to me and all, but I just get a 'feeling' that I can't shake. I think I should just pull back completely and not get so upset.

The BIG thing that is causing me to 'feel' this way is I truly believe he is still 'shopping' for a woman. I mean really, what guy would not keep his options open and be on the prowl if he's single and met someone who has a kid and isn't divorced yet? I almost wonder if that's why he's still single at 36 and only had one serious girlfriend since age 23. He is definitely into the bachelor life but occasionally wants the 'committed' life when maybe the wells are a little dry? Who knows who is with or what is really going on. What he's been up to on the weekends is kind of a mystery to me. Of the guy friends he has, most are married except a couple. The female best friend he has is married and so is the girl who just got married and we went to that wedding together in August. I just feel like Yes, he may really like me and could see himself with me, but on the other hand, I feel he is still out looking for 'something' and I don't know what that is. Like he can't just be satisfied. He wants to look and still dabble with the ladies. I've never been in a situation like this before and I guess I'm scared that just being 'around' and liking him and thinking he's out shopping. on the other hand, I wonder 'hmm, what if this guy is someone for me and if I just stop talking to him for no reason, I blow it?' So I think I need to cut myself off emotionally and just not care. Here's what I think I could do: he used to call me pretty much every week when we first started talking. I believe if the contact between us becomes far and few between on the phone calls that I should just not return the calls and let it go. I don't know but that alone could be a sign? Or is he just seeing what else is out there knowing I'll 'wait' since he knows I like him?

M,

Sounds like you know what is going on. To me it sounds like this guy just isn't that into you. If he was that into you he would be calling, trying to make time for you, and less mysterious. Sounds like you are around and convenient for when he wants to hang out but actually taking time out of whatever he is doing for you is out of the question.

You just need to cut things off before you become too attached. I'm not saying that you shouldn't hang out with him or see him but don't get emotionally attached. Don't get invested because it doesn't sound like he is. You should back off a bit and see if he comes to you. See if he will take the time to try to contact you. It says a lot about a guy when he won't contact a woman.

Maybe he is just shopping but it's been a few months now. When is the shopping going to end? That is if it ever ends. You need to get away from the idea that you can change him. Women always think they can change guys, then get emotionally invested and then get hurt. It's not worth it. The only person that can change a guy is the guy himself and if you haven't started to see that already then I hate to be the one to break it to you but it doesn't sound like it will happen.

Cut your losses and don't expect anything with this one. If you don't expect anything right now and something happens then it is just a welcome surprise when it does but as for right now it sounds like he just isn't that into you.

What If?

2009-01-02T14:57:00.000-08:00

My question is whether a rejected guy has moved on for now, or for good. and also it right or wrong to to confess your love back to someone, a year later after they have just started to move on.

background information:

I am completely head over heels in love with my old roommate, and now friend who lives in another city. We always have the best time and the most fun together whenever he comes to visit. We've known eachother 5 years now, during which i had a baby from another relationship. Last christmas, he finally told me he was crazy about me, and has been for a while, that i turned his life upside down when he met me, he said he could move to my city after he finished school, he said the sweetest things ... then i said: not right now. because its too complicated! Living in different cities and me having a kid. i didn't mention that i was still in a controlling relationship that i was struggling to end once and for all. i told him i felt the same way but it would be better to be friends for now, until i got stable and more independent. I acted more distant so he wouldn't try to kiss me. In letters i would be more distant, because i was afraid he would try to come to my city. The truth is i was scared it wouldnt be the same if he came, he would feel bored or tied down to me if he did move here. all the while i felt like i was doing the right thing, because he is young and has a lot of living to do first, and i wasnt in a mental state to have another relationship.

its christmas again, and this year hes not coming to visit, and i hear second hand he just got a girlfriend. he hasnt told me personally anything, and hasnt written in a month. now i feel like an idiot becuase my sons a bit older, i broke with my ex, and i have been secretly hoping we could start where we left off and we could work something out this year. i am not jealous, just sad that i wont see him this year, and also really worried that this could be him gone forever. i can accept him having another girlfriend while i am not able to be with him. but i cant bear the thought of never being with him ever again. do you think now that hes moved on, he is over me? should i bring up the subject of us again, or do some gesture of love? is it selfish to do this when hes in new relationship, even when i believe its true love? what would he want me to do, let go or let him know im willing to give it a try?

thanks
selfishly in love

selfishly in love,

The easiest thing to do is just to be honest! He was honest with you once in the past and it didn't seem like it worked too well for him. After a guy confesses his true feelings like that and it goes nowhere then it is your job to make the next move after that. It is hard for a guy to confess something like that and even harder for him to confess it twice.

The girlfriend thing is expected. You don't live by him, you told him it wasn't the right time. There is no reason for him to go back home and then wait for you. Girlfriend or not it is good to let someone know how you feel. If it is meant for you two to be together then there will be a way but that way will not find itself unless you provide the catalyst. You need to let him know that you feel the same way. If things don't progress from there then at least you were able to get your feelings off your back.

Sounds like you rejected him and he moved on, as guys do. Guys are also creatures of habit so if he confessed his feelings before then there is a very strong chance he didn't lose those feelings, just stored them somewhere where he didn't have to deal with them everyday. If those feelings are there for him then it is going to take you to provoke those feelings again.

Honesty is always the best policy no matter what the situation is. Don't play games, don't beat around the bush. If he doesn't feel the same way anymore then you know you tried. It is better then looking back on this years later thinking, "What if". Everyone hates "What if's".

Too Soon?

2008-12-28T16:29:00.001-08:00

Hey Mason,

My name is joss I find myself in a very awkward situation and I need
advice . I recently started tlkn to this guy that I wrk with we've gone
in one date nd out to lunch . This past sat I invited him to go with me
to an 18th bday party nd after that we went back to his place and ended
up sleeping with him . I knw it was too soon but now I feel like he's
going to lose interest in me or not like me anymore. He just got out
of a long term relationship nd told me he doesn't want anything
serious but I feel that maybe along the line we could work something out
, but now that I slept with him I dnt knw if he's going to want to.
What do you think?!

-j

j,

I see what you are getting at but just because you sleep with someone doesnt mean that they are going to lose interest. Most of the time, sex will build attraction. You have already hung out with him before you slept with him, you have gone on dates. It doesn't sound like a 1 night stand. Heck, even some 1 night stands turn into relationships.

I don't like to tell people to put a time limit or what not on how long they have to wait to have sex with someone. I think little unspoken rules like that are stupid. It is a firm belief of mine that you should do what you feel! If it feels right then go for it, never do anything you think you may regret. If you regret something then just remember at one point it was exactly what you wanted.

Don't think that sleeping with someone too soon is a bad thing because sometimes "too soon" is not too soon at all. If it feels right do it, never regret anything but take responsibility for your actions. Sometimes people have such a strong connection when they first meet that they end up sleeping with each other the first night and it progresses from there. Majority of guys are not assholes, majority of guys won't sleep with someone they have already gone on dates with and then just not call them.

Get out of the "Too Soon" frame of mind because at one point it was exactly what you wanted. Go with it and see what happens, if you guys end up being anything then at least you can say you tried.

Confidence Demands Attention

2008-12-27T16:45:00.000-08:00

Mason,

I am a 30 year old married woman. I have been married for 10 wonderful years. Every year gets better and better with my husband. My question isn't about my husband, it's about myself and about men my age. My husband is 20+ years older than me. He tells me I'm beautiful every day and loves me unconditionally.

Yet, I am still a little insecure. It seems as though men my age or younger never look at me, I am totally off their radar. I have decided to go back to school and am now in a junior college filled will younger people than myself. I have tried to see if it's because of my shyness. For several days I made more eye contact and smiled more and I have tried to initiate small talk, in a non-flirtatious ways. I feel as though I am approachable, but I am usually pretty quiet and look down most of the time. I'm not interested in other men romantically, so is that it? If I'm off the market am I no longer attractive?

I feel embarrassed even asking the question. But I really wonder why. Am I unapproachable? Is there something wrong with me that makes me unattractive. I watch my weight, I wear nice clothes, I wear deodorant, I brush my teeth and my hair and I don't wear too much make-up, I don't soak in perfume. I would say that I have a classic hourglass body shape, a small belly, but I'm not fat by any means.

Older men have no problem in telling me that I am pretty or attractive or just simply looking. But men my age and younger don't seem to look twice unless they are somewhat mental. Why is this? I've always wanted to know, and it's been like this since I was sixteen.

Here are a few pictures, I would appreciate it if you would not post them on your blog, but please use them as reference to answer my question. I would also appreciate an honest answer, if I'm just not attractive to younger men please say so. Maybe it's because older men have lower standards (that's the only thing that I can think of).

C

C,

Let me start off by saying, after hearing what you said and looking at the pictures, there is no reason that men shouldn't find you attractive. This is coming from a 23 year old bachelor. That is not to say that just because a man finds you attractive it doesn't mean he will broadcast the fact.

I have noticed, more than ever now, things are changing and younger guys aren't blatantly complimenting or expressing interest in women that they know things aren't going to go nowhere with. I find many older women attractive but I don't stare, compliment or even press the issue. I take it for what it is and move on. Another thing I have noticed myself doing after reading your email was when I did see the attractive older women and then saw the ring they were wearing I would just turn off to them. This is strictly because I am a student of the "There are plenty of fish in the sea" theory and if 1 attractive woman is taken then there are 4 more behind her that are single.

Another thing I have noticed is that the classic beauties are having to compete with a lot of the fakeness that I see daily. I am talking about the fake blonde hair, fake boobs, makeup and push up bras. These are the girls who demand attention and by all means they get it even though I completely disagree with it.

Men mature at a later stage than women and the straight answer I can give is that the younger men aren't mature or confident enough to notice beauty and compliment on it without it being an issue. It does take a confident man to look at a woman and say, "You are very beautiful" A lot of younger guys will not even think about giving this compliment to a woman they do not know.

Do not let the lack of overly forward compliments from young men distress you or break your confidence. If you want to be sexy then it isn't completely based on your physical appearance. Confidence is one of the sexiest traits a girl can have. Yes, you can quote me, confidence is sexy. I can sniff out confidence a mile away and I have met many good looking girls who become unattractive to me because of their lack of confidence.

In closing, just because a guy doesn't look at you or compliment you, doesn't mean he didn't see you or thinks you're attractive. Keep your confidence, know you are beautiful and you will see other people will follow in suit. Confidence draws attention and demands it.

Holding Back?

2008-11-23T16:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Mason,
I recently ended things with an ex due to his priorities being out of place, however we ended on good terms. We agreed to continue being friends, and we see eachother now and then. It has been 2 months since the break up. I put myself back out there,not looking for a relationship...just to have fun. Considering I am young, and I decided to see if there really was "more fish in the sea". I was proven right. Since then, I have had 7 guys be interested in me, and 3 others whom I am just getting to know. That being said, NONE of them interest me. They dont phase me. I still have very strong feelings for my ex, and really want to get back together. From time to time I think he wants the same thing. Others have told me I should tell him, but at the same time, I'm scared its too soon and he'll feel like I'm holding him back? Should I wait, or just go for the damn thing?

Thanks!
M

M,

When you spend so much time with the same person then that person grows on you. Yes, you are going on dates. Yes, other guys are interested. Yes, more guys will continue to be interested but what you are feeling is completely normal. Even if the relationship didn't end on good terms I'm pretty sure these feelings would still be there.

I guarantee he is feeling the same way whether he has said it or not. When 2 people share a relationship and that much time together then it is only natural to feel attached to that person like you right now.

The best way to approach anything is with honesty. Dating and relationships is no difference. (It took me way too long to figure that one out.) BE HONEST! If you feel something then embrace it, if you have feelings then share them, and never hold anything back. Four years from now do you want to be looking back and asking yourself, "What if?". You will never know what will happen until you throw yourself out there. Yes, it is a scary thing to do but you only live once. Never hold anything back and always embrace your feelings and be honest with them.

I say do it. If he doesn't feel the same way then it is better to know now then to be questioning it for the next 6 months. If he does feel the same way then more power to the both of you and everyone is happy!

Next Step Is A Stand Still?

2008-11-16T20:07:00.000-08:00

Dearest Mason:

After being intimate with the same guy for seven months, I decided that it was time for the two of us to define what was going on between us. I’m the same confused girl from “Can We Make It More Obvious” and “Booty Calls: Not Just For 1 Night Stands,” and I became fed up with the lack of definition in our relationship. I sat him down a couple days ago and told him that it was necessary for us to decide what was going on between the two of us. I either wanted us to be exclusive, or we needed to stop hooking up. He told me that he didn’t think the two of us would be good as a couple, because I was too young, he was leaving to the Air Force in less than a year, he didn’t trust me to be exclusive and that we had underlying issues which would only be further agitated if we dated. I told him that was fine, and that I understood his points, but that I couldn’t be friends with him anymore because I couldn’t possibly separate my non-friendly feelings for him and my friendly feelings for him. He asked me for a hug before I left, and we said we’d miss each other. Right after I left, I received a text message from him asking me not to ignore him. I received another text message and he informed me of some inconsequential person arriving to a party he was at. The next day he sent me another text message asking me how I was doing, and later that night he sent that another text wishing me a good night. Then, he sent me another text message the day after informing me of some other inconsequential event. I don’t understand why he continues to contact me, and he continues to completely disregard my feelings. What’s going on and why does he keep doing this?!

M,

Ahhh, yes. This is a very common situation people get in and as a guy I have been in this as well. To put it simply, it sounds like the guy enjoys hanging out with you, hooking up with you and being with you but just doesn't want a relationship. He is perfectly content keeping the relationship you have with him where it is and not a step further.

Most guys will fill a girl's head with thoughts of relationships and wedding bells to keep a relationship moving, not moving forward, just moving. He doesn't want to move forward with a relationship and he doesn't want to be disconnected from you completely. It sounds like he is just ignoring what you are saying on purpose.

When I used to get in the same situation you are in, I would make excuses as to why a relationship wasn't a good idea. Sometimes I just ignored the topic all together. This will only lead to negativity when the girl wants a relationship and the guy is happy where he is because the girl starts to feel like her needs aren't being met when the guy is perfectly content. That is not a relationship, a relationship is not 50/50 anymore, it's 100/100.

After dealing with that situation a few times I found out how to deal with it with a way that works. Ready for it? HONESTY!!!! I found that when I was honest about what I wanted and how I felt, when I didn't fill girls' heads with ideas of relationships to get what I want then the type of relationship I have with these girls becomes more symbiotic. Unfortunately most guys still do the lying and the excuses because they don't say what they think or feel, they say what they think the girl wants to hear and most of the time they don't mean it. Now when the relationship talk comes up I have the same response every time, "I like how we are now. I have fun, you have fun, we have fun together. I don't want a relationship right now but I do enjoy hanging out with you and I think that keeping things the way they are would be just as fun." It's 50/50 with that but me being optimistic says that the 50% of girls that don't want to keep things the way they are end up being not for me anyways.

Oh sheesh, I hope I answered that question, I kind of went off on a tangent.

Stalk Much

2008-10-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Mason,

I dated the guy for a few months. We were close, he dropped I Love You alot. I haven't been divorced for that long, so I wasn't ready for all that. I tried to communicate that I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. He didn't get it. It was finally just TOO much and I broke up with him completely. I was nice, I did it in person, I let him cry it out....I thought we'd move on. A week later he calls saying "I don't accept the break up, you're still my girlfriend". WTF. NO. A week goes by, more calls and texts to me, his girlfriend. I finally emailed, thinking if i put it in writing he'd get it, that we are NO LONGER DATING. sigh. Maybe I choose poorly but why don't guys just go away when you tell them to?

-P

P,

Wow, that sounds intense. First of all not ALL guys are like this. This guy just sounds like a VERY insecure guy. He most likely thinks that you are the best he can get or will ever have an doesn't want to let you go. You just need to ignore him and let him take a hint. No matter how he tries to contact you, just don't respond. You don't want him thinking that a response means you still care or that you are willing to work things out. The only way he is going to go away is if he forgets about you and to make that happen you need to ignore, ignore ignore.

You can see that you just got over it and no longer want to be with him and are no longer attracted to him in that way. Guys, on the other hand, see things differently. It takes a lot longer for a guy to lose that same attraction for a girl. It reminds me of lyrics from a 50 cent song, "I know if I can hit once, I can hit twice." (Wow, how low have I gone. I just quoted 50 cent.) This is the majority of mentality out of guys. If you hook up with a guy once then he will not understand why you won't do it again in the future. This sounds like your situation to the degree that your old boy can't figure out how you are not attracted to him. "If she was attracted to me before then she can be attracted to me again." It's a glass half full mentality. No guy ever wants to think of it as rejection and he will keep on thinking this and contacting you until he forgets about you or finds someone else.

Passive Or Aggressive

2008-09-23T09:53:00.000-07:00

Hi Mason,

I've been divorced for almost three years and, within the past year, have actually had a bit of luck with online dating. I dated a few guys initially, then dated one guy steadily for about 6 months. I've learned the art of keeping my photo current and keeping those emails short and interesting, and guys almost always write back.

However, one problem that keeps happening repeatedly is this: A guy and I will email for a week or two (or three), he likes my photo, and everything seems fine, but the guy won't ask me out. If after a few emails the guy says he's into, say, surfing, I'd email him back and gently suggest an idea or two based on our emails, like, "Hey, I know you like to surf at Hermosa. Have you ever been to [insert name], that cool coffee bar by the beach? I hear it has a great view." He'll either say yes, I've heard of it, or no, I don't know about it, then never bring it up again.

BUT, the guy will keep on emailing, with the same tone, and with the same congeniality he had shown on the first email.... What's that about??

If a guy isn't into me, I can live with that -- let's move on and try again with someone else. But if a guy keeps emailing yet not making a move to get my number or meet up after I've spelled out I'm interested and even suggested places, then I don't get it.

Do you have any insight into this?

Signed,
Ms. V

Ms. V,

There are a couple reasons for this. Lets look at all of them.

Some of the guys on these online dating sites are NOT looking to hook up or date or what not. Some of them are perfectly fine with having an online pen pal and that is it. They enjoy the anonymity of being behind a computer and keyboard. They enjoy the reciprocation of conversation from the other side of the keyboard from someone they can believe is attracted to them who they don't need to meet because in their heads, a meeting will lead to rejection. This is why when you blatantly throw hints of interest and insinuate a meet they act like they don't know and continue with conversations.

On the other hand, some guys just don't get the blatantly obvious signs of attraction. Sometimes you have to grab the reigns and take charge and be the aggressor. If you see something you want then take charge and make it happen instead of dropping hints and waiting for a passive guy to ask you out or ask you for your number. Some guys just won't man up and take that step for fear of rejection.

Bottom line is, some guys aren't as aggressive as others. Sometimes a woman needs to take control and initiate something. If you feel like you are getting the run around then grab the bull by its horns and initiate something. Be the aggressor and you will start to see that the passive guys will just go away if they have no intentions of actually meeting you in person.

Numbers

2008-09-11T13:58:00.000-07:00

Hey Mr. Mason Stanley,

Been reading your blog for a bit now and just curious what your opinion is on comparing 'numbers' with someone you are seeing. By numbers, I mean, the number of people you've slept with. I try to avoid it as long as possible, but sometimes when you see someone for awhile it does come up. If I straight out refuse to tell a number I think they assume it is very high(which it is) so I usually make up a much lower number. Making up a lower number is not usually a big deal, but what if I end up in a serious relationship with someone, end up getting married to him or something, do I then have to tell him the truth?
Example- I was with my last boyfriend for close to two years. In the beginning I knew he had only slept with 3 people before me, so I said my number was 8. I had to keep up with the lie for 2 years! Honestly, what would you think if you started dating a girl and her number was 10 times your number? I know what you are thinking, if you have to lie about something like that from the beginning maybe you shouldn't be with him, I've heard it many times from my girlfriends. If he really loved you he wouldn't care...blah blah blah. But most anyone I meet would care, and would judge me. That's just a fact.
The few times I have told the truth have not worked out very well for me. Guys are intimidated by my number. They start out saying it's no big deal, but as soon as things get sour it's the first thing they attack me with. I've had guys try to justify things they have done wrong in our relationship by using my past as an argument. Of course I quickly ditch them, but it just seems like everything was going so well until I fess up my number and everything falls apart.
I think part of my problem is that I am very outgoing and forward, but am attracted to the quiet, awkward, shy guys that usually have no game. It's kinda the opposites attract thing, I guess.

So...Do I keep lying or what?
Oh, and if you don't mind I'd love to read your opinion on a girl's number. How many is too many? etc.

G,

Ahhh, the numbers question, the question you ask when you want to see someone squirm or lie. Truth is, MOST people lie about their numbers and keep it up. I stay away from this question because I know the answer will be a lie and then it will get my wheels turning and it's something I don't want to think about. When I start getting serious with a girl, I don't ever like the number question. I feel the less I know about her dating past, the better for me. This is less for me to worry about, less for me to think about, and less to fight over. "Keep your history a mystery"

About lying to the numbers question, I would just avoid it all together. I think that is a stupid question and that it has no relevance to any relationship. I understand people want to know for health reasons but health concerns can be addressed in 1 test that any sexually active person should be getting at least every 6 months.

If you must say a number then I would be honest. If you aren't honest in the beginning then the past always has a habit of coming back to bite you in the butt.

Regarding a girls' number, I never ask. Of course every guy would want every girls number to be 0 but we don't live in that world. Most guys will think that any number above 10-15 would be too high but then again you have to take age into consideration. The older you get the higher your number will get as well.

The Boy Won't Talk

2008-09-10T10:03:00.000-07:00

hi mason,

Here's my situation. My boyfriend and I recently broke up. We've known eachother for a while. About a year ago we got back together and it became a more serious relationship than it ever was before. Recently (about 3 weeks ago) he broke it off with me saying lately we've been more like best friends then a couple. He told me he loves me more than anything but he feels like he is missing out on something by having a girlfriend. I was crushed and angry and didn't talk to him for about a week before we went out and got coffee and just talked. I let him know i felt like he was lying and hiding something from me. He denies that but then again he won't tell me much more than what I just told you!
I feel like he's not telling me the whole truth because he doesn't want to hurt me. I don't know if it's another girl or if he needs his space or what. I feel so confused right now and cant get him off my mind because i don't know if he feels the way he says he does. My question is do you think his reasoning makes sense for why he broke up with me? Is it because he thought we were getting too serious and that scared him? Why would he break up with me if he claims to love me as much as he says?
I love him too and saw nothing wrong with our relationship which confuses me even more. He says he wants to stay best friends but i dont know how thats going to work! Why won't he be more open?!
One more question - If he comes back around and wants me back, would it be stupid of me for taking him back after all this? I feel like it would depend on the reason he broke up with me which i have no idea!

Any advice at all would be appreciated!!! thanks!

D,

It is very possible and highly probable that there is more that he isn't telling you. In my experience, it just sounds like he is exploring his options. Either way, you shouldn't be sitting around waiting for him regardless of his excuses.

Whether there is another girl or not, a guy that cares about you as much as you think he does would care enough about how you feel to explain everything to you. Leaving you in the dark is a cowardly way for him to go about his business. You need to take this time and not think about him. Get your mind off of him and find some distractions. Distractions should be your best friend right now. Go dancing with the girls, find a hobby, flirt with boys, whatever it is you need to not think about him.

The more you think about what he said and what he is not saying then the more distressed you will become and the more it will eat you up inside. I hate to say it but with the little information you were given you need to assume the worst and hope for the best.

If he does come back around, hopefully you won't be sitting there waiting. If he didn't give you too much information about why he was ending it then why would he give you information about what was going on when you were apart. It sucks to say but it is almost as if he is playing a game. You need to hop right on that train as well. You won't necessarily look stupid if you take him back but make sure you both are on the same page before you enter into anything with him again. It sounded like when he ended things you were on a separate page than him and that left you confused. It will take a lot of talking and communicating but that is what a relationship is all about.

As for now, live the single life, have fun, don't worry about what he did or what he says because actions speak louder than words and what he did should tell you all you need to know and remember, distractions, distractions, distractions.

Friends? Lovers? Friends That Love The Benefits

2008-09-05T12:04:00.000-07:00

Ok.. so I have a "friend" that lives about an hour and 45 mins from me. I see him about 2x a month. We hang out and it's awesome. We just chill really well and it's never any pressure and the sex is SPECTACULAR. He has made recent comments about us living in marital bliss on the weekends. Kinda weird as he freaked out 5 months ago b/c he thought I wanted more than he was willing to give.... in boy terms, he wanted to make sure I didn't want a relationship. Which I'm fine with not having.. trust me. (well at least for right now. I'm sure, sometime in the future I'll want something) He just sent me a message tonight about us being lovers. I have always referred to him as my FWB (friend with benefits). Is there a difference here between FWB and a Lover?

Thanks,
MW

MW,

All guys are different, to a sensitive guy there would be a difference between friends with benefits and lovers. Then again, the sensitive guy wouldn't like the idea of friends with benefits and would want a relationship.

Personally I think there is no difference when I say friends with benefits and lover. Of course, I am not going to tell people about my new squeeze and refer to her as my lover but to the squeeze I wouldn't think it is a big deal at all to refer to her as my lover.

Confused yet? Good, lets keep going. I think you are looking too far into this and that he meant nothing by it. Both of you are having a good time and enjoying each others physical company and it sounds like the frame work is pretty much set on friends with benefits so when he refers to you as his lover it means nothing. It's not like he is running around telling all his friends that he is in love.

Bottom line, don't look too far into it. Sometimes guys say a lot of stupid stuff that girls misconstrue because guys think it's what a girl wants to hear and then in the end it just leaves the girl a confused mess. FWB is just that, friends, so have fun with it and don't look too far into anything he says, guys are one track thinkers and you will only confuse yourself trying to find meaning in a guys words.

Are You Interested?

2008-09-03T15:04:00.000-07:00

Hi Mason,

What "signs" do guys give off regarding their level of interest? I, like many, seem unable to differentiate between friendly interest, a one-night stand interest, and a romantic interest. For instance, I was recently away from home on a business trip and only picked up that this guy was interested in more than just conversation when he invited me back up to his room. Do guys, in general, even begin conversations knowing what kind of interest they have, or is it developed through time?

Thanks!

L

L,

Wow, this is an awesome question. Lets see if I can answer the whole thing. There are different types of interest in different scenarios, at least for me it is that way. Type and levels of interest also are based hugely on the guy. You have your relationship type guys that see girls in terms of relationships. These guys will express their interest in more of an old fashion way. They will try to arrange a lot more one on one time, dates, movie nights, whatever it may be. He will also be into you which means he is interested in what you say, what you do, and just you as a person rather than just you physically. You can tell when a guy is truly interested in you when a lot of the one on one time happens before any sex. That's not to say there isn't any fooling around.

You then have the guys that are interested in girls and girls in general. Whether it be you or the next girl, they are interested in the physical and try to get to that part as soon as possible. These guys are capable of relationships and may try to slow things down for a girl they think they can be in a relationship with but the faster a guy tries to go for sex, the more you know it is strictly a physical thing. That isn't to say relationships haven't been built after sex started but that type of guy would shy away from a relationship because he already has what he wants.

I like to think of myself as the happy medium between the two. I am always meeting new girls and in the back of my head I am thinking relationship but when that dream dies then I can still have the girl around. Without lying or promising a relationship, we simply hang out and 'have fun'.

Some guys will start a conversation with one thing on their mind and they know exactly what they want before they even talk to you. There is a saying, "Girls know if they can see themselves sleeping with a guy 3 minutes after talking to him for the first time. Guys know if they can see themselves sleeping with a girl 3 minutes before he talks to her for the first time." Bottom line, most guys are interested in sex but it's getting them interested in something more after the sex that requires the personality.

In general a guy beginning a conversation with a girl will be interested physically. If a guy starts a conversation with you and you say, "Lets go back to your place." 9 times out of 10 he will say yes. By beginning a conversation with a girl the guy is already expressing interest but by not actually knowing the girl he is only expressing his physical interest.

From there the type of interest will be developed based on the interaction that follows. As I always say, "It is the looks that will make me talk to a girl but it is her personality that will keep me interested."

Can We Make It More Obvious

2008-08-29T11:23:00.000-07:00

Hey there Mason,

I’ve already sent you an email before inquiring about my situation (Booty Calls: Not Just For 1 Night Stands.) I have yet another dilemma, I decided that it would be a bad idea to date this guy, so the next time he asked me what was going on between us I told him that I had feelings for him and that I loved hanging out with him, but that I just didn’t think it would be a good idea to date him at the current time, and that sleeping with him just further confused me. He agreed and said he thought it would end badly if we dated, he liked the fact that we had no commitment, and that there was a large age difference (we’re five years apart.) As he was driving me home I told him that I didn’t want him to think that I was hurt or anything, and he said that I had made it pretty clear to him that I didn’t want a relationship with him, I retorted that I really could have gone either way, but that the points he had stated earlier that night were valid. Since then, things have progressed normally…he still contacts me daily asking how I’m doing, we still hang out, and we’re constantly with each other, and throughout everything he has consistently honored my request of no longer having sex anymore. My birthday came, and he took me to dinner and a concert in the city where he didn’t let me pay for anything, and he even bought me a tiara for my birthday. Later that night he wanted me to go to his house to hang out and watch a movie, but I headed home anyways…the next morning (which was my actual birthday) I received a vase filled with pink roses from him and a note wishing me a wonderful birthday. I’m not really sure what’s going on…does he have feelings for me and want something more…or is he just being friendly? I’m really confused…please help me!

-M

M,

Duhhhh!! Of course this guy has feelings for you. He has such feelings for you that he is honoring your request of not sleeping together! Most guys in this situation would honor the girls request by not talking to the girl anymore and moving on. I have done this a few time myself!

How do I put it into words that you can understand... It's basic guy thought, "It happened once, it can happen again." That is the normal thought process so he is sticking around waiting for something to reignite because it happened once so it can happen again. The guy is giving you your space in hopes you will think, "This guy is honoring my requests, he is so sweet, maybe he is a guy I can see myself dating."

Think of it as the classic, "I have a crush on my best friend" syndrome. That is how he is towards you. The guy is obviously romantically interested in you and is just respecting your wishes to not sleep together... for right now, because that's how he is thinking. If he thought there was no chance of anything ever then he would not be doing all this stuff for you.

Bottom line is the guy is interested, he has feelings for you, he wants to be with you, however you wanna say it. THE GUY HAS A THING FOR YOU!

Distract Yourself So He Doesn't

2008-08-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Mason:

I need some good solid advice and a truthful point of view from a male who has been there (hopefully). So here it goes.

My boyfriend and I met our sophomore year of college and sparks flew for 3 years. Here we are now on a break. It was his idea because he thinks that at 22 years old we need to see what else is out there, experience life, be single for a while, feel free etc. He thinks it would be beneficial for both of us to go and see what else is out there now and he thinks this break is the best thing for both of us in the long run. I agree and I don't agree. I miss him INCREDIBLY, it takes up my entire mind no matter what I do to move on. I have even taken his words and applied them to my life and have gone out with 2 different guys, neither really did much for me, not because I was comparing them to him but there was just no or little connection on my part. This is hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I get panic attacks about him not coming back to me thinking if he ends things for good it will be the biggest mistake of his life and it will ruin mine because I believe we are meant for each other.

Anyways, I know he misses me and misses us because he told me. I haven't contacted him at all because I know it would be wrong to contact him. But he has emailed me and texted me a few times to see how I am doing and he has spoken to my friends to get advice on whether they think he did the wrong thing or not, so CLEARLY he is confused. I mean I know he is confused because his words are "I'm enjoying being single at the moment, I can see the allure in it but to make things complicated I miss us as a couple and I miss you."

Now I don't know what to do with myself. I am REALLY trying to move on without him (assuming he isn't going to come back). Oh and one more thing, he put a time frame on this. He wants to re-evaluate things in October to see where we are both at. I am not counting on anything and am really trying to forget about him but I still check his facebook, I look at old e-mails (he told me he does too) etc. So it's hard plus I am waiting to start my new job so I have a lot of down time so I think a lot.

Now from my perspective I don't think a serious relationship is what I need right now. I'm starting a new job, looking at grad schools (and we are both recent graduates so that adds to the mix of everything being new so maybe he thinks he needs to start fresh or something). But I do miss him in my life as my best friend, my boyfriend etc. I would be willing to take things slow with him (like not jump right back into a relationship but just go out and not have a set day to see each other every week, but just play it by ear, day by day kinda thing).

This is so incredibly hard for me. It feels like I am just stuck, waiting. But I really am trying to get on with my life while he figures out stuff. I really think he would be throwing away something really really special because what we have is amazing and he just wants to see if the grass is greener pretty much.

What do you think of all this? Could he come back?

Thanks for your help

L

L,

This could go both ways. He could get a taste of the single life that he hasn't had for 3 years and then go wild with the boys and enjoy being single, or he will realize that a relationship was the way to go and be back in a second. It really is hard to tell when he put a time limit on it.

It is good that you are keeping from talking to him but what you need are distractions. Distractions will keep your mind off of him and also help you let loose a little bit too. Go dancing with your girlfriends, flirt with boys (you don't need to do anything but flirting is always fun), go away for the weekend, find a hobby, do whatever it is that you want to do that a relationship wouldn't allow you to do.

After 3 years of being in a serious relationship, especially at your age, you identify a lot of who you are with that relationship. Don't focus on the break being a bad thing because it is not. You should be using this time as time for yourself to find out more about you. You have been in a relationship for 3 years that being single is kind of a shock. Now you have no one to check in with, no one to call when you wake up, no one to call before you go to bed, no one to be lazy with, you are single and only have to worry and care for yourself right now. Use the time productively and find out who you are and what you have to offer. Experience new things because you may never have the chance again.

I am not saying to go out and get wild with boys but use this time to find yourself and meet new people and flirt with new boys. Use this time as a learning experience, you may end up finding out that you are missing out on something that you never knew.

The more you have fun and enjoy yourself on this 'break', the more your boyfriend will want to be with you. Don't mope around, go out there and have fun. Distractions, distractions, distractions!!

All The Eggs In One Basket

2008-08-26T10:44:00.000-07:00

My story is entirely different from anything I've ever read or seen........and entirely too long to type out.

Basically, I've been in love with someone for 2 years who has been unavailable to me due to mostly reasons beyond our control....there was a time where he was my 'boss' and we were worried for his life (literally) because of the people he/we were involved with, and the amount of money at stake....through this, there were trials of trust and friendship that I can't even begin to describe...

I have poured my heart out to him twice now, and both times he told me that it wasn't the right time...that time will tell...but he can't right now...blah blah blah, yet won't let me forget about him even though I moved 2500 miles away...

I will be moving back in 6 weeks, but he doesn't know that yet.

He has taken better care of me than any other man in my life, and I care for him for all the right reasons...and through all of this, we only 'messed around' ONE time (which was when I came home for a visit last Christmas, AFTER I'd poured my heart out for the 2nd time back in October over the phone)...and we never slept together. When I lived [there], he would periodically do completely random acts of love.......or at least thats what I conceived these acts to be.....yet never tried to take advantage of me or anything of that nature.

The thing of it is, he's ruined my life! I haven't met anyone that even remotely compares to him, or that I would like to spend time with...should I just assume he will never give in and be with me and treat him as a platonic and/or business friend, or should I give it some time after I move back? He has never given me a straight answer to anything........except, "Not now".

How long is long enough to wait around for someone before making the decision for them and cutting them out of your life?

By the way, I'm 23 and he's 26.

Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Julie

Julie,

Just from that letter and what you said, I wouldn't be surprised if he was gay. Most likely I am completely wrong but I entertained that thought while reading your letter.

You should never wait around for someone. By waiting around you are missing so many opportunities that come by. Yes, he is always in the back of your mind but can the next guy you go on a date with be the one? You would never know because of that thought of you possibly getting with the one you are thinking about. It will just cloud your mind and help you make irrational decisions.

If a man wanted to be with a woman it would happen. "Not now", is just an excuse to prolong making a decision. If you really cared about someone you would give them a straight answer and not let them hang on the ropes waiting.

My advice is to not stress on the situation. Yes, he is a great guy. Yes, you do have feelings for him and would like to be with him but why press the issue?? How would you feel if he told you tomorrow that he didn't want to be with you. You would have spent all the time "waiting around" in vain and it would have meant nothing but you have to entertain that as a possibility as well. Basically, don't put all your eggs in one basket. If something is going to happen then it will. Pressing the issue with him won't do anything except hurt you in the long run because of all that you are missing out on waiting around.

You don't need to move on, just don't count on something that isn't a for sure thing. The more effort you put into him before you even know he shares the feelings, the more you have to lose. Be careful and keep that on the back burner and entertain other options now.

Mason The Sexpert

2008-08-22T09:55:00.000-07:00

I am a sexpert?

Duhhhh! The Love Coach says so!

Check it out!

Shy Guy?

2008-08-21T13:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, for the most part I get when a guy gives up and isn't interested anymore and I just let it go too but I have a new situation. I met a cool guy that is just like me (except shy) on the internet which was a first for both of us and we got along well. We talked a lot and we were both naturally nice to each other. We met in person for the first time to check each other out and after about eight hours of him being totally nervous around me (in a cute way) we ended up having sex. He got sort of distant but we were still talking. I asked him what he thought about meeting me in person with no intention of talking about a relationship but HE thought that is what I was doing and after like two days of talking about it he said we should chill, ok so I think it won't go anywhere....right? Well I am pretty outgoing and we get along really well so we are still friendly so if I text or e-mail he texts or emails right back and treats me the same minus the initiation like before. I don't get it. Are guys realy that shy or scared easily that he would need two weeks or so to recover from a brief encounter with someone that he was totally into the week before? He is freind material but even better boyfriend material....should I trust my instincts and let him recover or is he not interested?

Thanks

-L

L,

It sounds like it was the thrill of the chase that got him attracted in the first place. Internet meetings are a little bit different than meeting someone in person initially. When you meet someone on the internet you get a false sense of security about knowing the person when you meet them. In reality, you only know what the person wants you to know about them.

You never really got to know the guy before you had sex with him, or should I say it sounds like the guy never really got to know you before he had sex with you. I have had sex with girls before I have really gotten to know them and after it becomes debatable if I want to get to know them. It is almost as if the guy isn't interested anymore because he has already gotten what he wanted even if he didn't know he wanted it.

He is returning your emails and texts without initiating them which is probably because he doesn't have the heart to tell you he isn't interested OR he is keeping you on the back burner until he is ready to bring you to the front again. He would be answering to keep you hooked because nothing is more awkward than that call 3 months down the road after no communication.

You need to contact him and initiate something if he is not going to and if he starts making excuses or is always busy then drop him. Excuses are to get out of something you don't want to do and when you start hearing them then stop wasting your time. When you do get together with him then take things slow, give him a little but not a lot. Make him chase you.

Booty Calls: Not Just For 1 Night Stands

2008-08-18T10:37:00.000-07:00

Hey there,

I am in need of dire help… There’s this guy that I’ve been friends with for the last couple of months. We went to a concert a couple of times, and he constantly called me to hang out and do things with him, but I wasn’t really interested. Then one crazy night I was with him and got drunk and slept with him. He called me the next day to make sure that I was okay, and he talked to my best friend to make sure that I was okay…and I was. Soon after, we made it a habit to sleep together, even though I told him that I made it pretty clear I didn’t want a relationship and we were just having sex. Lately though, I’ve realized I’ve begun to fall for him, and I’m not sure how he feels about me. I know he cares about me a lot as a friend, and we’re constantly with each other outside of the bed, and he calls me and texts me all the time just to talk and hang out with me, sex not included. He’s even asked me a couple times what’s going on between us, and he told me he just wants me to be happy. When we’re having sex he’s very emotional and caring, constantly asking me if I’m okay and enjoying myself…but a couple nights ago he sent me a booty call via text messaging (come over. I’ll do things to you), to which I didn’t respond. When we spoke about it later, he was shocked to find out that none of my ex-boyfriends had ever sent me booty calls. Does he not have feelings for me like I thought he did, and would it be disastrous to talk to him about a relationship? Please help me! I’m desperate for some answers!

m

M,

Just because a guy booty calls you, doesn't mean that he doesn't have feelings for you. It just means he wants some booty. You can want a relationship with someone and also want some booty too. It is completely normal. I atually find it kind of weird that none of your ex's have ever given you a booty call.

Booty calls are one of the perks of a relationship. When you don't go out with your boyfriend/girlfriend then it doesn't matter what you do, where you go, or who you are with, at the end of the night you can call your boyfriend/girlfriend to come over for a night cap. That's almost what it sounds like hew as doing. It would not be disastrous at all if you talked to him about a relationship. From all the things you said, it sounds like he would jump at any form of relationship.

Communication is key! Instead of sitting around and waiting to see what he does, you should be talking to him. Find out how he feels about a relationship and come to an agreement. Date exclusively, make him your boyfriend, make him your hump buddy, whatever it is there is always a common ground that two people can agree upon.

Just because he sends you a booty call, doesn't mean that he doesn't want a relationship...

Marriage Is An Institution

2008-08-14T09:26:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone!!!

I know this is out of character of this blog but I thought I would give it a try since I know I have quite a few female readers. I received the following email from a guy and instead of me answering it, I decided to throw it to you people. Answer in the comments or write me an email and I will post it. I'll have my response next week. Let the advising begin!

I am guy though who is in a jam and I think I need the 'female version' of your site. Been seeing a married woman. we were into each other for a few months. then it went platonic for 3 months. then out of nowhere for her birthday we meet and have our way with each other. what does this mean.?

-T

Confidence Is Key

2008-08-13T14:41:00.000-07:00

I’m a 25 year old single mother of two kids. The big issue I have is that childbirth has really done a number on my tummy, specifically in the stretch mark department. Most of my friends are guys, and I’ve asked them about this, but I’m pretty sure they are trained to say “You’re beautiful, you’re perfect” as a natural response to any female loaded question(not that I blame them). I honestly want to know though: How do guys feel about a pretty, fit girl, yet with a lot of havoc in the tummy area? I feel like if an equally attractive guy goes out with me with clothes on, he’s going to be in for a shocker when we decide to take it to the next level. On the other hand, the only option to fix the scars of this severity is to get a tummy tuck, which I tend to feel awkwardly about too. So what does the average guy think about surgery scars or a tummy tuck on an otherwise (hypothetically) flawless woman?

Honestly,
A

A,

Surgery scars are just that, scars from surgery. I don't mind them at all. A scar is something someone can't control. I have a horrible scar where I had a cyst removed from my tailbone but I know that I can't do anything with it and I am comfortable with my body enough to not let it affect me. The point is, it's not the scars that are the issue, it's you being comfortable with your body to not be self conscious about the scars.

Have you ever gone to the pool and seen an overweight guy wearing a shirt in the pool? We all know he is wearing it because he is self conscious about his body and doesn't want to take his shirt off. In turn it just broadcasts his insecurities making them worse. On the other hand, you have the over weight people that don't mind taking their shirts off and dive right into the pool. Those are the people you don't think twice about. They have come to terms with themselves and are confident in their own skin.

You are getting self conscious about what guys will think. Confidence is sexy in a woman, regardless of stretch marks. You should do what you want to about the stretch marks to make yourself feel comfortable in your own skin. How can anyone learn to love you and your body if you can't first? If you think your confidence would boost with a tummy tuck then do that. The key is that you are confident in your own skin and once you start exuding that then the stretch marks won't matter.

Of course there are going to be guys who don't like them but then again, those are the guys that aren't interested in you.

Don't Take My Independence

2008-08-12T14:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Mason,

I have been dating a guy for 2-1/2 years. I am currently finishing college and I am making plans to go to grad school. He had a messy divorce about five years ago and still owns the house that he hates and has wanted to sell ever since. In the first year of our relationship, he repeatedly told me that he "wanted to build a life together" and we discussed, planned, and almost signed a lease for an apartment in an attempt to move closer to my school so we could live together. This fell through due to financial reasons. I told him that I couldn't keep things the same (living in two places that were 45 minutes apart from each other) and, reluctantly, he agreed to me moving in with him a few months ago.

Since moving in, any work that I try to do on the house to get it closer to selling is met with resistance. I believe he is starting to distance himself somewhat from me. Basically, I am just getting lots of gut feelings that things are just not right. On the surface, things seem fine except when we discuss selling the house, moving, etc. Then, in recent discussions, he has started to make vague statements that seem to indicate that he is no longer thinking of this as a long-term "build a life together" relationship. It seems like whenever I express conflict about what I need in terms of knowing in advance where I will be living in a year, he gets angry and hostile and wants to make sure that I know that this is "his house." Anyway - I told him the other night that, due to all of the animosity about waiting to sell the house, I would not be considering location in applying to grad schools. He seemed both surprised, happy, and nervous about this.

My question is two-part. First, you often mention the little signs that women miss that indicate a man is distancing himself... can you elaborate on what these are? Second, should I continue in this relationship which is generally great - except for the conflicting paths of the house and school - until I see where I am accepted for school? Finally, with some of the clues that I am getting, it seems that he just wants a partner who doesn't want marriage, who doesn't conflict with his financial decisions, and basically wants a girlfriend but not the pressure of someone who you make life decisions with... would you agree?

J

J,

All guys are different in showing the signs that they are distancing themselves. A lot of the times women don't pick up on these signs because they are too busy making excuses for the behavior. A major red flag is when the guy starts choosing other interests over the relationship. I am talking about interests that he used to put second to the relationship in the past that he now doesn't. These interests can be anything. They can be drinking, going out with friends, a hobby, a sport, anything that he used put the relationship in front of that he now treats as more important to the relationship. Women ignore the sign and make excuses for that behavior.

I think you should put school in front of this relationship. You know that putting effort into school won't be wasted more than you know that about the relationship.

You are pretty much right in the clues you are getting. It almost sounds like he doesn't want to lose his independence and with you helping with all the house stuff it's almost like you are taking something away from him. It could never hurt to talk to him about some of this stuff as well and see his perspective on the issue. Things become a lot more clear when you are able to sit down and talk about both sides.

Why Buy The Cow When The Milk Is Free? Pt.2

2008-08-12T09:44:00.000-07:00

In reference to "Why Buy the Cow When the Milk is Free"
Ok. So i think im done with this one. Should i be? I've text him twice now in a matter of 4 or 5 days and no response. I'm not really sweating it to bad, it just one of those things that sucks. He is a really nice guy and i like him. Like you said, i guess he's just not interested. Don't really know if its me or just his position in life right now. I wish i could get inside his head and find out why! lol. I dont want to scare him away. So texting him is out of the question. Or should i? I figure id see if he'd come to me, but it doesn't seem to be happening. It's only been about a week which is the norm, sooo i dont know. The last time might have been the last. No closure. Just done. :( This really is a brain teaser. You can always have the ones you dont want, and the ones you do want? KEEP DREAMIN! What do i do!! Ik. Ik.

k

K,

Ya, I have had a couple girls like that. I just get over them. The fun is over so I stop responding. It has nothing to do with you, per say. It may have been too much of you too fast, or the fact that you aren't the new girl anymore. Either way, it sounds like he is just over it. You really do just need to move on, what kind of 'how we met' story starts with, "Well we hooked up a couple times and then he wouldn't return my calls or texts, so I kept being persistent and then when he had no other option he started responding and 2 weeks later we hung out."

There is just no base for anything than the hook ups you have been having and it would be super hard to try to build one now. You should move on and if you think you may like a guy then TAKE IT SLOW. I cannot stress that enough. The faster you move, the more the guys sees you as 'just another girl' and will brush you off as one.

In regards to, "Why can you have the ones you don't want and can't have the ones you do?". The ones you don't want you don't show interest in. You kind of brush them off which sparks something in them. Now they want what they can't have, as most people do. It's unwillingly using the cat string theory. With the ones you do want then you are expressing way to much interest too fast which is always a turn off when you know someone is more into you than you are into them.

Why Buy The Cow When The Milk Is Free?

2008-08-08T11:17:00.000-07:00

I met someone at a bar. lol. Yea i know. Thats probably my first problem. Anyways. His name is corey. We have done the dirty 4 times now, well met up 4 times, and its really good. We dont talk to much during the week. Here and there. But i do most of the initiating. He has once. When we do talk its very short, but he does respond. SOMETIMES not though. I am currently not just talking to one guy, not really with anyone (commited). Just having fun. The thing is, is that i am starting to think of stupid things to say to him in text messages and asking to hang out more than usual. Its not working. I think the whole FUN thing is coming to an end. He doesn't necessarily respond either. Like i said. SOMETIMES. When we are together. We drink some beers down at his boat, ive met some of his family members and friends and when its just me and him we can talk and have long conversations. The conversations are about past relationships, what happend, life, him playing his guitar, pretty much a little bit of everything. Have sex, and fall asleep on the boat. He is a busy person and likes it that way. Understandable. Money is a virtue. He also has said that he is not wanting a relationship because of it. We've all heard that one. My question is... what do i do. My instincts tell me that he is not interested in me in any other way. Its not like he goes out of his way to hang out or message me. He acts very respectful when i am with him and we do have good times. Im the one that told him that its nice to have someone that i can do this with and not have drama or strings attatched. Great! I did it now! Dumb ass!!! lol. What do i do!!!! Is he interested? I think about what i would say or do to get a reaction or response and all i picture him doing is cutting me offf!!!! lol. I dont know. You tell me. Dont really know what to do or think.

K

K,

Well you pretty much nailed this one right on the head. This sounds like a classic, "He's just not THAT into you" situation. Of course he is welcoming when you call to hang out and come around because that means he doesn't have to do any of the work. I have friends like that right now. Girls I don't see any future with and that I don't call but when they call me to hang out I know what it's about and if it is convenient for me then we will hang out.

You kind of dug your own grave by telling him that you enjoyed the no strings attached relationship that you have with him. A lot of guys would love a relationship like that. You guys hang out, hook up and everyone is happy.

Now, if he is interested or not? Well why buy the cow when he is getting the milk for free? It sounds like he is interested in one thing and that is continuing the relationship you have right now. The no strings attached friends with benefits relationship. I am pretty sure that if you ask him where the relationship is going or what he wants out of it then it will only scare him away.

My advice is to have fun with him but don't expect too much out of him.

What About The Ex?

2008-08-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

I need one more piece of advice *sigh*
update:
I talked to my bf today about giving me some space. It was hard to convince him but he finally gave in. He said he will give me some space, but it can't be for more than a day.sucks,I know.
new problem:
I keep in contact with my ex's. Not every day basis but once every month or so. We sort of just keep each other updated or talk about random things. The point is, my bf hates it. He does not like me talking to them because he is afraid that i will start liking them again. How insecure is that!? plus, he does not trust me, which is weird cuz i have never cheated on him. The only reason why he does not trust me is cuz i lied to him and that is the biggest no no for him.
For about 5 months or so, he has asked me to stop talking to them and i kept refusing due to the fact that i see nothing wrong with it. He does not keep in contact with his ex's but i wouldn't even care; I believe that jealousy is the worst characteristic anyone could have. We had a huge argument last night about this and he asked me one more time to stop talking to them. He even said that this was a simple request and not a big deal,but i thought differently. He was asking me to lose contact with 3 friends i have known for years due to his insecurities.
so what did i do?
i took his offer and switched it up a bit
I could not call,text,hang out with,or look for them BUT if they were the ones who initiated anything from the above,i could reply.
He agreed and we left it as that.
is that mean? or is that another act of my selfishness? the reason why i did that is cuz i am so scared that in the future he will tell me about other ppl i cannot talk to or hang out with. What do you think? bad decision or should of handled it differently.

R

R,

Talking to ex's actually becomes an issue in a lot of relationships. You need to understand why he doesn't want you talking to your ex's, not just the fact that he doesn't want it happening. He says it's because he thinks you will fall for them all over again which may be true but there is more involved when a guy doesn't want his girlfriend talking to her ex. The jealousy that you are talking about isn't necessarily the same jealousy he would feel if he saw you flirting with another guy. This is completely different. It is the jealousy of knowing that your ex was with you before him. The fact that you have shared intimacy, emotions and all the other stuff that comes with a relationship with him. That is the part that hurts and that is why he doesn't want to think about you talking to your ex's. Every time your boyfriend hears that you are talking to your ex it just reminds him of other guys you have been with and that is never a good thing for a guy to be thinking about.

My ex and I used to fight about this all the time. What made me upset about it wasn't that I thought she was going to go and cheat or something. It was the fact that the guys she was talking to were still attracted to her. I knew it and she knew it and that was the problem.

My whole theory was that en ex is an ex for a reason. It means no exceptions. If you and your ex want to be best friends then why aren't you still together? It just doesn't make sense and trying to figure out why my ex wanted to keep in touch with her ex fiance that lived in a different country wasn't easy.

In all fairness, you aren't being selfish but a relationship is about compromise and you should come to an agreement. One of the hardest things to do in a relationship is to see things from your partner's point of view. You need to be able to do this to see how he feels and how you are making him feel by talking to your ex's. He probably feels that your ex's are still attracted to you and that may be what the underlying issue is. You need talk to him and help him realize that you are with him and no matter who is attracted to you, it sucks for them because you are with him. Jealousy stems from insecurities but if you reinforce your feelings for him then you can help make him secure with himself and your relationship which, in turn, would make some of the jealousy go away. That is a lot easier said than done.

Remember, a relationship isn't 50/50 it's 100/100 and both of you have to give your all, understand each other, and compromise to make it work.

One Of The Boys

2008-08-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and I really care about him but sometimes I wish he would give me some space! He is an amazing person and i love hanging out with him but I am one of those people that needs to be alone for a day or two. Not in a very depressing way, but more as to gather my thoughts and get away from all the drama. He hates it when i ask for some space because we don't get to see each other very often as it is; I am only here for the summer and will be going back to school in sept(300 miles away). I sometimes feel like the man in the relationship! Here are some examples that support my theory: forget his bday (I remember it now..),tell him to hang out with his buddies and drink or go to the strip club, i get along with all of his friends, he cries more than i do, do not like roses (I want my bf to think outside the box), and valentine's day is too cliche for me (last vday, I wanted to order pizza and drink while he wanted to do the whole dinner and movie thing).

It is very cute when he does this, but it is not something I would go all dubby wubby about. My friends say that I am an ungrateful, selfish and stupid girl because there are people who want to find a guy who would do these things for them and i'm just like w/e...

From the blogs I have read, it seems like you have a lot of lady friends. So have you met anyone that thinks somewhat like me?
I bet you think i'm weird? or better yet...an ungrateful, selfish, and stupid girl?

FYI
I do like him very much

R

R,

First of all, you are not weird, ungrateful, selfish or stupid. You sound like the perfect catch to me and yes I do know girls like you. The girls I know like you are the girls that are able to hang out with me and the boys without feeling out of place. They can jump right in with the boys and not feel left out or alienated at all. Kerri is exactly like that. If she is hanging out, she is most likely the only girl in the group. This is never a bad thing.

What you need to do is sit your boyfriend down and talk to him about this. The guy likes you a lot and should understand what you are saying if you are sincere about it. I know the type of guy you are talking about and you can't just say, "Give me space" because he will take it as a personal blow. You need to explain why. You need to reassure him that it's not because of him and that you do care for him but you also value your alone time. My ex was like this and it took her 3 months to slightly understand why I would want to sit at home alone or go out alone and not hang out with her.

It may take a little bit of work but you need to sit him down and explain all the things he thinks is weird. Don't just tell him that he should go get drunk and go to a strip club with the boys. Explain to him why and reassure the fact that you still care for him as well. You need him to relate to the reasons that you need space, or want him to hang out with his buddies, or why you don't like roses. You need him to reassure him that it isn't because you like him any less, it's because that is you. Once he understands why you want space or want him to go to a strip club with the boys then he should start appreciating you for the awesome girlfriend you are.

Don't listen to what your girlfriends say about you being ungrateful, I bet some of your man's friends say the same thing to him regarding you. I know a lot of guys that would love to date a girl like you.

Lets Take A Hint

2008-08-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

JL: lol might sound odd but ill give it a try... So i liked or still like this guy that i met and we only talked on the phone because he is very busy and i seen himm like 3 times we were i guess kinda dating for 2 months... hes going to be going away for trainning for the rcmp next momth. anyways we were talking one day and then he didnt contact me for a week and then we sent me an elmail saying

JL: we cant talk no more and lets drop everything and that hes again sorry

JL: so why would somebody just all a sudden do that?also have a baby so i dont know maybe thats it too

Mason: you saw a guy 3 times and considered that dating?

JL: yeah lol we were taking things slow bc hes going away for rcmp trainning

Mason: It doesn't sound like he thought you were dating

Mason: through talking on the phone a lot and not seeing you it sounds like he is trying to avoid you

Mason: and "always being busy" is never an excuse

Mason: its always an out

Mason: its a way to let the other party not feel bad

Mason: if a guy likes a girl, it doesnt matter what he is doing, he will always make time for her

JL: also his mom wouldnt let him out bc shes overly i dunno dont jusdt let him out

JL: they are leb

Mason: and also, that letter and him saying he is busy, all together sounds like there is another girl

Mason: like while you were 'dating' he was with someone

Mason: but didn't want to tell you because he didn't know where it would go with the person he was with

JL: so you don't think that just because he is leaving really soon could be prosible? and he doesn't want anything to get into his way? bc we were fine one day and everything....

Mason: it sounds like you are just making excuses for him

Mason: when this guy is just not that into you

JL: i was thinking to send him a letter and explaing he should of atleast told me wat was happening and stuff should i?

JL: i think its just because i need a reason why

Mason: if he liked you as much as you liked him then he would have found a way to keep things going when he was away

Mason: You are making up reasons and making excuses for him because you don't want to believe that he is just not into you

Mason: you like the guy and want to think you have a shot at something

Mason: so when he shows signs that he isn't into you then you find an excuse

Mason: it's natural behavior and lots of women do it

JL: but wat about a reason do you think if i send him a letter you think he would at least say why?

Mason: most guys dont like confrontation

Mason: so instead of being honest and giving reasons, they just skirt the issue

Mason: and stop talking to the girl

Mason: or they are always busy

Mason: or something of the sort

Mason: if you sent him a letter, I dont think he will respond

Mason: and if he did I think it would be a vague response and then he wouldn't talk to you after he came back

Bust A Move

2008-07-30T16:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Mason,

I started hanging out with this guy when school first started. He was really nice to me at the time. He coaches for a dance troupe after school, I asked if I could tag along and he said yes. After doing that, we hung out a lot more in school. There was also this one time when he asked me if I could go watch a movie with him [through text]. I did end up going...ahehehe.... He has also asked me the question if I had a boyfriend, and of course I don't, duh! So ya, we really hung out a lot during the first month of school. There was another time when he asked me if I wanted to go to this real fancy restaurant in campus. We had a great time. Everything went well. The week after though seemed a bit different. We didn't talk as much, partially because I started feeling too shy, and I' wondering if he's beginning to lose interest in me, because my liking him has kinda just started.... it's only been six weeks, so I wouldn't like to think that someone can be interested in another and then just stop. I want to show him that I am interested before it's too late. What do i do?

V

V,

6 weeks and nothing yet? There is such a thing as taking it too slow. You need to be forward and take the reigns. It sounds like you are sitting back waiting for him to put you in a position where you can show interest. Instead of waiting you need to jump up and make something happen. Ask him out, take him somewhere, and take control. I'm not saying to be completely in his face but you need to make your attraction obvious.

Flirting is always good and gives a playful atmosphere to anything. There are lots of little things you can do to broadcast attraction but the best way to do it is to simply tell him, "I LIKE YOU!". He obviously is interested if he is asking you to the movies or taking you to dinner now you need reciprocate!

The longer you go without making a move or letting him know you are interested then the further away you will push him. The opposite of interest is disinterest and if you don't show that you are interested then the guy will assume disinterest and why would someone want to keep taking out and hanging out with someone who is not interested?

It has been 6 weeks and that is a long time to spend hanging out with someone and not know if they are interested. You need to make a move and you need to do it fast.

Booty Call Is Just That

2008-07-29T10:03:00.000-07:00

I met Mark at work, we had good conversation at work for over a year. We could talk about anything never did we talk about the two of us hooking up, but it happened. We are now secret lovers, I don't want a relationship and neither does he, but I'm starting to feel bad about the fact that we can't be seen in public and I'm also starting to lose respect for myself because this is the first time i've ever done anything like this.That is be a after hours only chick. Neither of us have someone special in our life, but we work together and don't want the drama it could bring at work. I want to start going out in public even though I don't want a relationship,but he still do not want to. I'm in my late 30's and like being single for the first time after a marriage, then long term relationship, but this is eating at me. Help what sould I do.

Thanks,

L,

This is a normal thing that starts happening when a booty call starts out with both parties addressing it as just a booty call. Guys don't need to emotionally attached to be physical with someone. Sex is just that, sex. That is what it means to guys, it feels good and they like it. Guys can have sex with someone regularly and not get attached. Women are different, they tend to get attached emotionally after sleeping with someone regularly. Whether it be a lot or not, there is some emotional attachment for women there and that is exactly what is going on right now.

You have been sleeping with this man for a while now and you are starting to get attracted emotionally. You say you don't want a relationship but I think that if he wanted to take it to the next level then you wouldn't hesitate to.

For this guy, your relationship with him is strictly physical. It is the ideal relationship for all guys. He has a willing girl he can sleep with and not have to worry about relationships or emotions. He is getting his sexual gratification without strings.

Now, I'm not saying this relationship is a bad thing. By all means this is not a bad thing. I have a few friends like this :-) BUT, when you are in this type of relationship, an "after hours" relationship as you call it, then you need to not expect anything more than the after hours gratification that the relationship is based on. Once you start wanting more then you will start to get disappointed.

A booty call is just that, a booty call, don't expect anything more from it or else you will be disappointed.

Don't Settle

2008-07-23T10:47:00.001-07:00

On numerous occasions I have said how picky I am or that I get bored with girls easily. Being picky isn't necessarily a bad thing and getting bored is a defense against getting stuck in a monotonous relationship. Lets look into this.

Like I said in Single And Happy, I can get a girlfriend if I want, I can date someone tomorrow if I want but that does not mean that I will be content and happy with the relationship. I see a lot of people in those boring monotonous relationships that lose the spark after 3 months but still manage to last 3 years. I always wonder, what is the point? It's settling and I refuse to settle. I have seen people who have been together for years and then get married "because [they] have been together for so long and that is the next step." REALLY?!?! You take the next step with someone because you are inspired to, because you love how your feelings for the person grow day by day, because you love how that person makes you feel, not because "It's been a while and that's the next step"

A relationship should grow with each day and in that successful relationship that we all strive for the spark should never die. You should grow more fond of your partner each day you are together. The moment the spark dies in a relationship then both parties have started to settle. A relationship should inspire both people and the next step should never be a question. You should not take the next step in a relationship "because it's been a while and it seems like the right thing to do." You should take it because you want to! There are some quotes that come to mind when on this subject:

"I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you" -Should be true for EVERY relationship. You should not only fall for the person you are with but fall for the person you become as a result of the person you are with.

"Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you." -A relationship is made up of 2 individuals. Your individuality is what got you into a relationship, never lose it because when you do and that relationship is over it's harder to find yourself then it is to find a bad rebound relationship.

Settling is never a good thing. You will never hear anyone say, "I'm so happy that I settled." Never regret anything because at one point in time it was exactly what you wanted. You're going to meet the wrong people before you meet the right person so you know how good you have it.

I Want Some Time For Me

2008-07-16T11:35:00.000-07:00

Hi Stanley!

I believe that is your name....I came across your site and it says you like to give out advice and I have a very peculiar situation I thought you may have a few things to say about. I think it's awesome you are willing to put your two cents in by the way it's very much appreciated to women who may not quite know how to handle a situation with their significant other. So for starters, I am 21 one years old and so is (we will call him simply by his name Chris. Chris and I have been attached at the hip since age 12. Coming from a broken family myself, this guy has really gone above and beyond for me in every aspect. I truly need to credit him for helping me grow as a person by pushing me to be my best. We began dating in our last year of high school and last year in september he broke up with me and simply said I want us to have some time for ourselves and to focus on school and that he had a gut feeling it was the right thing to do. We had an awesome relationship with respect, trust, and honesty and have to this day not lost an almost obsessive attraction towards each other. The reason I am confused is because he is taking time for himself like he said and has not dated at all. Not a single time. I on the other hand have in attempt to get over him. It's almost been a year. I've been told many times to move on but I simply can't. My father has taught me a lot about everything a guy SHOULDN'T be and I can truly say this guy is one worth waiting for. I just don't know how long though. We still say our I love you's and occasionally slip when it comes to physical stuff. I feel everything is still there if not more but it kills me to know he won't simply commit. He says he's not ready for it but I really can't understand what's going on. He will also tell others that he doesn't know if it will be two days from now or five years from now, that if things are meant to be they will work out in due time. I feel as if I'm being tested with time. If he showed any action of moving on I would have too, but like I said before, he has no interest in being with anyone else and he is very open and blatant about that. Any advice would help. Thank you so much for reading.

V

V,

Let me start out by saying that it is awesome that you found a great guy. There are great guys out there and women just don't see it because they date guys they find in bars and then wonder why all guys are jerks.

You guys have been together for a while but both of you are still young. You have your whole lives ahead of you. Relationships do take a lot of a person and it is hard to be 21 and try to get the rest of your life in order while focusing 100% on a committed relationship. It sounds like Chris may know just this after being in a relationship with you.

He sounds like an easy going guy that wants to just let things happen that are going to happen. With this mentality he isn't driven to try to pursue something more at anytime because, "Hey, whatever happens is going to happen, lets not fret over it." He wants to focus on school and other things which is completely respectable. It's hard to tell exactly where he is coming from just by the mere fact that he hasn't dated nor does he want to date anyone. I am willing to go on a limb here and say that maybe he is being completely honest and wants to focus on school and setting himself up for a great future.

He says he wants to be together in the future but not now and you want to be committed now. The worst thing to do is to dwell on the issue and constantly bring it up or remind him. Just because he doesn't want to date anyone right now, doesn't mean that you should be the same way. If you feel like dating then date. If you want to go out with another boy then do it. Maybe that be the catalyst that makes him realize that you can be a hot commodity right now that he is missing out on.

Like in the movie The Breakup where Vince Vaughn doesn't really get jealous until the good looking guy comes over to take Jennifer Aniston out on a date. It's playing a little bit dirty but sometimes guys just need that kick in the pants. If your man is sitting on the fence then sometimes it takes someone else shaking the fence to make him realize which side he needs to be on.

I'm On Single Edition!

2008-07-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone!! I recently did an interview for SingleEdition.com.

Click HERE to check it out!

Learn How To Be Chased...

2008-07-08T11:21:00.000-07:00

Mason,

I'll cut right to the chase. K and I were together for 6 years. After two years, I moved with him to live in another state in the hopes that we would eventually get married. He was aware that I wanted to eventually get married, but somehow things drug on and we never got to the point of marriage. I got angry and resentful towards him, and he pulled more and more away. We really cared about each other, but really couldn't communicate about it. I eventually got really frustrated and ended it. That was a year and a half ago. We really were good friends and had a great relationship, we just both had committment issues which muddied the waters. I think they could be worked out, if we tried. The break up has been very amicable, in fact we have kept in contact, and have talked probably at least once a month since we broke up. Recently, he had a few crisis, and called me. We both have been dating other people, (he has been dating someone for a year who lives in another state) So is it odd that he keeps coming to me at times of stress? Of course, I still think about him alot, and he is the first person I want to call if something good or bad happens.
Basically, I'm not happy with the men I've been dating, and I still care about him. I want to see if we can work things out. If we can't work things out, I have to move on, because thinking "what if" (and wondering what he is doing with his girlfriend) is making me go crazy.

I mailed him a very nice letter, saying that It is too hard for me to be his friend, and if he thinks that there is a chance with us, we should talk, otherwise I need to move on. It basically was a "closure" letter. I thought it might help me move on. I got a text from him when he got the letter, he said it was very nice, thank you, and we would talk later, because he had just flown back into town and was tired.
That was a week ago and I haven't heard from him. Was sending the letter the wrong thing to do? What should my action plan be now?I know that I shouldn't seem too desperate (I don't think the letter came across that way). Also, his birthday is in three days, I was wondering if I should send a happy birthday text or ignore it?
Any advise is appreciated. Thank you.
-A

A,

Sending the letter really wasn't the wrong thing to do if you actually meant it. He knows you well and if he thinks that you didn't mean it then most likely he will just brush it off and continue like the letter wasn't sent. The next plan of action is to actually follow up on what the letter said and not talk to him. By talking to him you are hurting yourself because you aren't letting yourself let go of the idea of you and him together again and you are not giving other guys you meet or will meet a chance because of that little seed in the back of your mind that you still may get back together with this guy.

That letter was a good start but now it's time to follow up on what you said. If he truly wants to get with you again then he will start making an effort and the only way that is going to happen is if you really truly do start to move on. It's basically the the cat string theory but in this case you need to try to move on for real. If you start to move on and that reignites his interest then all is well but if you start to move on and he sees that and does nothing then moving on should be the best decision.

No one should date someone who wouldn't fight for them and fight to have them and keep them. That is how the boring and monotonous relationships are and those are the relationships that lose the spark. The letter has been sent and he has it now, so the ball is in his court. You should really try to move on just because it has been so long and it would be good for you. While doing that, if he feels the same way about you, then that should light a fire underneath his butt. If he doesn't then at least you found out and you shouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't giving as much as you. Remember, relationships are not 50/50, they are 100/100. Never settle for anything less.

Just Friends?

2008-07-03T11:15:00.000-07:00

Hey-

There is a guy I have been talking to, hanging out with a bit- nothing major tho- that I know is into me. Without getting into too much detail, we were talking and he mentioned that he is going to his good friend from the city he lives in's summer family home for the weekend. This friend is a girl, who he also mentioned the friend does not know if her family will think she's weird for bringing a guy on the family weekend at the summer house visit. My thoughts 1. why is he telling me this? I really don't want to know. 2. if up to most girls, they would pick just fam over fam plus 1 'good' guy friend- unless they wanted to hook up with them. Which just brings me back to #1. Is he just stupid or trying to make me jealous? I really don't get it and its a huge turn off to talking to him further! Please guy decode this!

Hey,

There are a couple explanations for this depending on the type of guy he is. If there was anything going on between him and the girl then any smart guy wouldn't bring it up. The fact that he told you it was a girl could be construed as that it is just a friend. Guys and girls can be just friends, I have girlfriends that I go away with and visit where everything is strictly platonic.

You said there is nothing major going on between you two. I am willing to say that there may be something going on between him and her just for the mere fact that u and him are not committed yet and him describing her as his 'good friend' is his way of making you think there is nothing going on so he still has a chance with you when he gets back. I wish I knew more about the situation so I could answer more directly but this is a very vague situation and it could be either completely platonic or it could be him trying to cover his tracks using the 'friend' card.

Don't Hold Back

2008-07-01T11:06:00.000-07:00

Mason,

I met B a little over a year ago. I approached him at a bar asking if he could show me "The Worm" (the dance on the floor). Anyways, that started our talking at the bar and he sat next to me the rest of the night until his ride was leaving. We went out the next night and thus started our "relationship" if you can call it that. He lived in a different city from, about an 1.5 hour drive. He had family and friends in my city so I would see him about once a month, and we would talk/text everyday. A couple of months after meeting I took a job in his city, NOT for him. I had graduated college some months earlier and this was the only job I could find, so I moved and took the job. After I moved I thought things between us would get more serious. We see each other more and more. And by that I mean, maybe once a week or once every other week. He's in the military and very focused on his job and securing a life for himself. His childhood was fully of anxiety from never knowing if his home would have electricity, running water, the things we take for granted. So I understand and respect that he works really hard. He got a second job to help pay for his "toys." He rides motorcycles. Anyways, about 4 months ago while he was visiting his dad and brother out of state he sends me texts telling me he wants us to get married and move to be closer to his dad and brother. I joke and respond with someone along the lines of how cute we would be with our 2 little dogs as kids. He said we would have kids later on, which to me was a huge turnaround from when we first met. He was adament about having a vesectomy because he didn't want to put kids through what he went through as a kid. ANd every once in a while he'll send me a text saying how good of a wife I will be and how cute our kids will be.
However, he's never asked me to be his girlfriend, and we don't talk about what we are. Part of it could be my fear of rejection from him, or my utter lack of wanting to talk about my feelings. I don't even talk about my feelings with my best friends. I'm just not a feeling talking kind of girl. But I know that I love him and am continuously increasing my feelings each time we're together.
So I guess what I'm trying to figure out if my being patient with him is a good thing, or if I'm just wasting my time thinking that if I continue being patient we will continue being us in hopes of one day being with him fully. It's one of those things where I can see us just skipping the natural process of relationships, ie being girlfriend/boyfriend and go straight to be engaged or married. But sometimes I wonder maybe I should just suck it up and sit down with him and ask him where this is going.
Ugh, I dunno. What do you think?

-M

M,

In my experience, military guys tend to want to move a lot quicker than the average Joe. They want to start a life right away and start a family to be able to have that something to fight for back at home when they are deployed. With my friends in the military, they are/were looking for wives, not flings, not girlfriends, not booty calls. They are looking to settle down.

It sounds like your man is saying these things to you to gauge your reactions to them. I don't know why the sudden change from wanting a vasectomy to wanting kids but I can only guess that it has to do with you. That he thinks you and him can raise kids successfully together.

If your man is already talking about kids then it may be a bad thing that you are being patient with expressing your feelings. All guys express their emotions differently and if he is expressing his emotions by saying he wants to get married and you don't reciprocate those emotions then he may just see that as rejection. You should tell him how you feel and it should assure him that it's ok to feel that way as well. If he wants to get married and have kids with you then he has already expressed his emotions.

You need to tell him how you feel and if you don't think he'll grab the reigns and take control and make you his girlfriend then you need to do that. Let him know you love him and want to be with him and then ask him what he thinks. Once you guys start verbally expressing your emotions for each other then it only gets easier and easier and makes you grow closer.

Never hold anything back, you feel things for a reason. Trust yourself and your feelings and never be embarrassed or ashamed to express your emotions.

Not So Friends With Benefits

2008-06-25T10:04:00.000-07:00

I met a lad at xmas on a nite out an went on our 1st date in january it was a friday night, i know i was stupid but i went back to his an stayed the nite. The next day he didnt stop calling and txting me, an again we met up went out for the evening an i stayed till the Monday. This went on for 4months meeting up from work during the week for drinks spending weekends in fancy resturants an hotels and daily calls and txts , we were close and a couple. Our last weekend was diffrent he was distant just wanted to cuddle, in the morning we said bye that was that i didnt hear nothing from him for a week despite calling him. When he called me two weeks later he said he had met somone else and it was over and not to contact him again. I was really hurt and cut all ties. A month went by and he called me out of the blue asking how i was i told him i was fine and had moved on, he told me that the new relationship had ended he regrets way he treated me. Altho i met his mother and brother i never met his friends or was invited on nights out but the new girlfriend did although she didnt stay at his house or meet the family. He has asked me out a few times in the past two weeks but i just dont know what to do

HELP

x

X,

You have to walk away from this. Do you really want to hang out with someone who will drop you for another girl any minute? Guys are creatures of habit and if he did it once and got away with it then more than likely he will do it again.

Meeting his family isn't that big of a deal if it doesn't mean a lot to him. He probably introduces everyone to his family but knows it will make you feel special but after 4 months you didn't meet his friends? That is a huge RED FLAG. You should have ended any type of relations after not meeting his friends after the first month.

My roommate is this same way and has 1 girl he will not introduce anyone to. The only time he hangs out with her is when I am out of town because he is embarrassed by her. Lucky for him I am out of town at least once to twice a month.

You need to not talk to this guy. The only reason he is talking to you is because he knows you guys used to sleep together so it's an easy rebound after his relationship. He can go back to sleeping with you until the next girl comes along. This guy wants nothing more than to be secret hook up buddies and unless you're ok with being that girl that no one knows about and he won't tell his friends about then get out. This guy is not relationship material and only wants 1 thing from you and that's not a relationship.

Wait For The Baggage To Drop

2008-06-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

Mason,

I’ve been in a relationship with a widower for a little over 2 years. He has been widowed for 4 years. We both started with the idea casual was better, then it developed, and we were with each other all the time, and I was involved with much of his life, and he in mine. We rely on each other and are truly more than lovers – partners and friends. However, I found he was communicating with other women. We took a break for him to find what he wanted, and ended back together, working together, dating, etc. He has acted as if we are going to be together forever, makes plans, etc., and then he says he would be better off alone because he’s hurting me. I’ve tried giving him space, I’ve tried being patient, and I know I can’t be one of the girls. I honestly believe we found each other for a reason, and I don’t want to give up, but am at a loss. I’ve suggested he talk with someone to see if he has truly gotten through the loss of his wife, there may be guilt or betrayal issues there. Am I crazy to think this will work, or should I just walk away and take that pain.

Sounds like you are more into him than he is into you and any relationship is doomed for failure given that circumstance. Like I always say, relationships are not 50/50, they are 100/100 and if you are giving 100% and he isn't then you deserve someone who will give a relationship their all. He is not giving 100% due to the baggage he is carrying around. He needs to drop the baggage and find himself before he can think of being in a relationship.

He needs to deal with his his problems on his own time. If you keep pushing him to deal with everything then he will push back. Whether he says he has baggage or not, he does and he needs to deal with that on his own before he can even think about entering into another serious relationship because if he doesn't then he won't be giving 100% and the relationship will fail. He needs time to deal with his own issues first.

This doesn't mean to wait around though, there is no set time that it will take your man to deal with his issues and actually find himself again. Everyone needs to find themselves before they can even start to find someone to share their lives with. Give him his time and space to deal with his issues and find himself.

"If you love someone, let them go, if they come back to you then they are yours."

I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You

2008-06-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

Hi Mason-

I found your website in search of something that could help me with what Im going through. Well heres the story...my ex boyfriend and I took a break about a month and a half ago. He said he didnt know what he wanted and that he loved me and acred about me and just needed some time. So I did...i called him a couple times but for the most part I let him be. So three weeks later i called him and he says he still doesnt know what he wants to do. But he said he thinks he doesnt want a serious relationship right now. So he took a few days to think about it and he called me back. He said that he didnt want a serious relationship rright now which is what we had and had been dating for about a year and a half. He said it had nothing to do with me and that i was a really great person and that i was beautiful. And told me never to forget that. He said i dont want you out of my life because i care about you a lot and you are important to me. He didnt really give a reason why he didnt want a relationship but just bc thats what his instinct was telling him. He assured me he wasnt going to date other girls and that he said it would be good for me too go be on my own for a while and learn to stand on my own two feet. So about a week later i called him because i still had hopes of us getting back together and i asked him if there was ever anc chnace of that happening and he told me not to think about
it. I said i know i shouldnt but i keep hoping. I asked him again later and he took a minute and then said no. It hurt really bad. Since then i have been having a really hard time getting over him because part of me thinks he said that just so i wouldnt keep worrying about us getting back together so i can get better bc he has beeen hurt in the past by waiting for someone who was leading him on. everyone always told us we were such a good couple and even people we didnt really now would say that. His family lved me and mine liked him. I still feel like he is in love with me but i dont know. Should i just let this all go? I dont undertsand how you can love someone but not want to be with them or there not meant for each other. We had a great relationship! We communicated very well, got through a lot of things together, and were compatible. I know now that i really need to be happy by myself before im with anyone. But do you think there is any hope of us happening because i feel like he is a great person for me. Is it just a stage hes going through?
Thanks for your help!

-Ann

Ann,

If it seemed sudden and unexpected that he ended it then you were probably too wrapped up in the relationship and in him to see how he was feeling. This happens a lot to girls. Girls will get wrapped up in a relationship and not notice any of the red flags their partner is throwing up. The guy will start to distance himself from his partner and the relationship little by little until he is able to end it with little or no emotional strain on himself.

It's a well known fact that women are a lot more emotional than guys but that's not to say that guys aren't emotional. Women tend to get attached to their emotions more often and let their emotions control them more than guys. Women won't notice a lot of small stuff about their partner when he is distancing himself because they are blinded by how strong their feelings are for their partner. Guys will do the same thing as well but guys aren't as attached to their emotions as women. When a guy is in a relationship and any number of factors gives him the urge to end his relationship then it is not as hard on him to emotionally distance himself from his partner until he is ready to end it. It is completely selfish but a lot of guys who do this don't even realize they are doing it.

I hate to say it but even if your man isn't over you it sounds like he wants to be and will act the part. Just like with me and my last ex, I wasn't over her but I knew I couldn't be with her and my logic was better than my emotions. I couldn't go back to her no matter how much I wanted to and eventually, sooner rather than later I really was over her.

Even if you look at the best case scenario where he decides he wants to get back together, do you really want to be with someone who was able to end it so easily? If he did it once, he will do it again. Men are creatures of habit.

This does not sound like a stage at all and don't treat it like one or else you will only be hurting yourself. If you keep thinking this is a stage then he will be over you and you will still have those strong feelings for him and waiting for him and it won't happen. I suggest moving on because it sounds like that's what he's trying to do.

"I know now that i really need to be happy by myself before im with anyone." I love that you said that because it is 100% true and a lot of people don't realize that. You need to surround yourself with positive people and people that make you smile. Don't dwell over a break up, it will only make it worse. You need distractions, distractions, distractions. Anything to keep your mind off of him, find a hobby, hang out with friends, find new boys and learn to be happy and single.

People Change

2008-06-17T13:49:00.000-07:00

XKX: Thank you :) Well basically, she dated this shy guy when the pair of them were around 12/13 (very young!) and when they broke up the pair of them acted like each other didnt exist. And 3/4 years later she decided to call him up and ask to be friends again & apologised for all the crap that happened before. Only now that they r friends, she feels that the friendship is one-sided...
XKX: as she always texts him first & says hello first on msn..
Mason: 12 and 13 is really young for a relationship
Mason: how old are they now?
XKX: they are about 17
XKX: and i feel sorry for her :(
XKX: but he is still quite a shy guy
Mason: Does she have any romantic interest in this guy?
XKX: Yep she still has feelings for him but wouldnt dream of telling him as shes only now got him back as a friend.
XKX: but she just wants to find a way for him to start WANTING to speak to her without her texting first
XKX: if u get what i mean
XKX: ?
Mason: ya, i know what you mean
Mason: do they hang out or just talk?
Mason: text? msn?
XKX: yeah they have hung out once and also text/msn but since they have gone back to college he seems to have shut down as he is quite shy.
XKX: he no longer returns the "and how u doin" when she asks him how he is on msn
Mason: its just sounds like he isn't interested
XKX: oh right
Mason: guys mature a lot differently than girls
Mason: and 3-4 years especially at that young of an age is a HUGE different
Mason: he isn't the same guy that he was when they first dated
Mason: and she is probably trying to talk to him and treat him like he is
Mason: best way for her to approach it would be to start over again and start from the beginning and get to know him all over again
Mason: because if he is that shy and she is asking him how he is doing then it may put him off a little bit if he isn't completely comfortable with her
Mason: and it sounds like he isn't comfortable
Mason: shy guys don't like to give off too much information about themselves and even the smallest thing like asking how they are can make them uncomfortable
XKX: oh right, yeah i think im following u, so what is the best thing to do?
XKX: like if she cant ask him how he is then whats the best thing?
XKX: like to get him comfortable
Mason: she needs to reconnect with him and start over from the beginning
Mason: when you are dating at 12 and 13 that is just so young
Mason: that he isnt the same person he was back then so she has to come at him like she would any guy she doesnt know
XKX: oh right and what should she do to "come at him" like what sort of things shud she say?
Mason: if he is that shy then he wont make the first move
Mason: she needs to do that without breeching his comfort levels
XKX: okay, so what should she do to achieve that?
XKX: like what to say to him?
Mason: she needs to take the lead without being too forward
Mason: and it needs to be in person so they can reconnect again
Mason: She needs to make plans and then include him
Mason: As in, "I'm free tonight, lets go get coffee"
XKX: ahh right :) but what if he gets shy about doing that too?? u know meetng up n stuff, how can she asure him it will cool?
Mason: she can't
Mason: there is no way too see until you do it
Mason: there is no sure things when it comes to dating
Mason: or courting
XKX: ahh right, but what if he says no>? should she suggest another time.>
XKX: ?
Mason: if he says no then dont push it
Mason: that will make her sound way too needy
Mason: if not then drop it there
Mason: I would always wait until the day of to invite him
Mason: because the longer in advance the date is then the more time he has to think of an excuse to not go
Mason: if he says no then drop it like it never happened and then do it again another time
XKX: okay dokey - thank you :)
XKX: uve really helped, ill pass it on to my friend :)
Mason: Your welcome ;-)
XKX: Thanks :)

Pack Up And RUN

2008-06-09T10:56:00.000-07:00

Okay so there is this girl that i have been talking to since October so about 8 months. Well when we started talking she didnt tell me that she had a boyfriend. Well i like to think of myself as a smart guy and i figured it out. Well I broke it off with her and she was tore up about it too. The other guy also found out too. I just told her that is was over and nothing more, where as he call her all kinds of names. Well we went a week with out talking and when we did talk i asked her why she tried to get back with him (which she did like the next day) and not me. She told me it was because they have history. Well weeks go on and she started talking to me again. Tell me how he treats her. Gets mad at her for this least little things. Goes through her phone as soon as she gets to his house. Well she tells me they are done and stated getting with me again, but something is odd and i found again that she is still with him. Again i break it off with her and this time she tells me that she loves me. Okay a week or two goes by and she coming back to me again. They only time we really hang out is at work. She is always over me. I would text her asking her if she wants to hang out and she always have something else going on...I found out that she has slept with him more than once so i break it off AGAIN. NOw she is trying to get me back again. She told me that they have broken up but he is trying to get her back. Well i had to use her phone to do an order with and something didnt feel right so i looked through her text messages and she was telling him she love him and all this. This was about two week ago when she told me they had broken up. Well i had to use her phone again yesterday and she deleted all of her messages and call history before she gave it to me, which i didnt tell her i looked in her phone or acted different either. Why i had her phone he sent her a message. I didnt read it, but when i gave her her phone back i told her it was going off she said it was her sister. SO she is trying to get me back again but she is still lying about this other guy. I dont know if they are fight or sending sweet nothing to each other....SO what should i do? She will not let me move on.

This is a completely messed up situation. This girl is stuck in between you and her boyfriend and keeps choosing her boyfriend. You need to walk away and not talk to this girl. She will keep playing games and lie to you and her boyfriend about everything. This sounds like she is a VERY insecure girl and loves the attention she is getting from you and her boyfriend.

This girl is the definition of why I always urge people to wait at least 6 months after a relationship to even consider being in another one. 6 months of not talking to your ex, 6 months of being single again, and 6 months of finding yourself. If you don't wait and you hop from relationship to relationship then you are carrying all sorts of baggage with you from a past relationship into a new one.

Stay away from this chick, she has all sorts of baggage. She is full of lies and deception and nothing good will come of you trying to date her. If you work with her then do just that. Work with her and do nothing more. Keep in professional and don't get interested and look through her phone or her texts or anything of the sort. There is NO future between you and this girl and walking away now will be a very good decision.

Throw in the towel, this girl is not a keeper.

Time To Cut The String

2008-06-04T09:58:00.000-07:00

I just found your website and really could use your advice.

This guy i have been dating for a year and a half told me friday that he wanted space. well we share the same friends and after he said that he slept with another girl on sat. well he still calls me and we actually slept together sun. and monday and keeps telling me how much he cares about me and that he still have feelings for me and he just needs space. i asked him if he had feelings for this other girl and he told me no at first and then he changed his answer to i don't know i might but they are different than my feelings for you. he said he just isn't ready for a relationship at this point in his life but he doesn't want to hurt me and doesn't want to lose me. he said when he is ready to be in a realtionship i wil be the first one he would think of. well we decided not to call text or see each other until his space time is over. but he keeps calling me and texting me and today i was walking my dog and he passed me. he turned around and starte talking to me talking about how hot i looked and he actually asked if he could have a hug. well during our hug he kissed me on the cheek and just hugged me tighter while he made a slight sigh of a sound. what does this mean? what do i do? what if he develops feelings for this girl and leaves me behind? what does it mean that he can't leave me alone and stop toaching me but he is the one that wants space?

-Confused

Confused,

You are a lot more into this guy than he is into you. He said he wanted space Friday and then sleeps with a girl Saturday? That is a horrible thing for him to do. That just means that he has been wanting to ask for 'space' for a while if he is able to sleep with a girl just a day after a year and a half relationship. If the guy cared for you as much as he says he does then none of this would be happening and you two would be happy and together.

I have seen a lot of guys do what this guy is doing and I personally have done this too. It is a big dirtbag move but girls fall for it so guys keep doing it. It sounds like he wants to go and hook up with other girls and have a good time without you but he will keep telling you he has feelings for you and stringing you along so you don't do the same thing. It's a huge double standard that is not ok. It is the same double standard that makes it ok for guys to be promiscuous but when a girl does it she is a slut. I bet he still does have feelings for you and tells you that because he doesn't want you running around meeting guys but in his head it's ok for him to go hook up with girls. He is basically turning you into a booty call for him and telling you how much he cares and would like to be with you in the future will stop you from moving on because he knows you will hold onto that.

When a guy says, "I don't want a relationship right now." This is just an easy out for a guy to say without actually having to explain anything and trust me, if there is an easy way for anything then guys will find it. It really means, "I don't want a relationship right now with you." In reality any guy will enter into a relationship with that right girl when she comes along. Some guys are more picky than others and "that girl" is harder to find. The more he tries to justify why he doesn't want a relationship then the more he is saying, "Not now, not with you."

I have always been a big fan of actions speak louder than words because it is so true. Think about it, this guy is telling you one thing but then doing the complete opposite. It is easy to lie with words but hard to lie with actions.

He may want to be single or he may have strong feelings for the other girl and he does have different feelings for you because of course you are going to have some sort of feelings for someone after dating them for a year and a half. No matter what it is you need to take charge here and not take his crap. Him sleeping with a girl the day after asking for space is a HUGE red flag that I would not suggest putting up with. He said he wants his space so don't give him the best of both worlds. Give him his space. Ignore his calls, texts, emails, and however else he tries to contact you. It will only hurt you more because he will only give you more excuses. You should consider what he is doing a break up. Not just a break. You need to surround yourself with positive people and go out and meet guys and have a good time.

Don't wait around for this guy if he isn't sure he wants to be with you. You could be missing out on an opportunity with another great guy while waiting around for this one as he strings you along.

Hey! Its me! That guy who doesn't want you to think he is like every other guy

2008-06-02T10:45:00.000-07:00

I was exploring the blog world the other day and stumbled upon this post from The Girl In The Mirror who writes A Date In The Life and I absolutely loved it. If you don't read her blog then you need to start, she is awesome! There was so many true things in the post that I wanted to do the male version of it.

Hey! I saw you sitting over there with your friends. My friends and I have been noticing you girls all night but we were busy over here talking about which one of you is the cutest. We have also been arguing with each other about who is going to go up and start talking to you girls. I didn't want to because I saw some guys over there with you.

I'm glad you walked to the bar alone, it gave me a chance to make it look like I didn't mean to talk to you, I just needed to make sure my elbow bumped yours so it didn't look like I was completely hitting on you when I started talking. I like your shirt and what I mean by that is that I like the cleavage. I'm going to try my hardest to keep eye contact when talking to you because I don't want to get caught staring at your chest. I will only glance every time you look away because I think I'm smooth and I can get away with it. Who are your friends? I'm asking this instead of asking if you have a boyfriend because I don't want to seem too forward.

I'm here with my friends, I don't want you to think that I'm here to pick up girls with my friends so we'll just say that we are out to have a good time. You are too? That's really cool. Ya, I like this bar a lot. I come here at least once a week just because there is a lot of good looking girls here. I'm going to pay for my drinks with the wad of $5 bills I have or my American Express and make sure you see me do it while I'm talking to you but I won't say anything about it.

What was your name? One of the coolest girls I know has the same name as you. I thought I'd mention that I have friends that are girls so you know that I can get along with girls. Now that I know your name I can approach you again in a little bit and it won't seem too weird. I'm going to go back to my friends now to report back on you.

I don't want to seem like a creep so I'm not going to be staring at you too much. I do think you are really pretty though. I see you over there talking with your friends and not looking over here, I'm telling all my friends that the boys you are with are just work friends and that I think all your friends are single. I also told them that I think you are the cutest and that you are the one I want.

I have had enough drinks with my friends and now that I have received a little bit of liquid courage I am going to walk up and talk to you.

So you guys all work together? That is interesting. I'm going to talk with the guys a little bit more just so no one thinks I'm trying to pick anyone up here. Your friends seem to like me, now they won't get creeped out if I talk to you. I'm just here to have a good time.

I'm going to call my friends over here now. Remember I was nominated to be the one to talk to your group first so I need to get them in the door with your friends. I'm going to introduce my friends to you and then we can merge groups and my friends can talk to your friends.

Now I should buy you a drink but I don't want you to see me as a guy to get free drinks from so I'm going to excuse myself to the restroom and get myself a drink on the way back.

I'm back. Ya, I grabbed a beer on the way back from the restroom, you should have told me you wanted something and I would have grabbed it. You're silly. Now I seem like a nice guy and girls like nice guys so you should like me. I notice every time you smile, play with your hair and touch my arm. This is good, you are flirting back. You are shorter than me. I know you know that but me telling you again allows me to put my arm around you. You didn't pull away, I think you are a cool girl and your friends seem nice too. I need to tell you this so you know that I have standards and I don't become smitten with any girl that talks to me.

Oh, I just got a text, it's another girl but we are just friends. Now that I have my phone in my hand I see there is something wrong with my phone, your number isn't in it. I know that is super cheesy but I thought it would make you smile and it did. Go ahead and put your number in my phone.

I'm going to call you from my phone right now so I know you gave me a real number. I'm calling you so you can have my number too. There now you clear the call so you can save my number. My friends are flirting with your friends, I hope they aren't creeping them out or else I won't have any chance with you.

We are leaving now but we are going to have some people back at my place after this if you and your friends want to go. By people I mean, my friends that I am with here and your girls. Oh, you have work tomorrow? Ok well I'll call you sometime this week and by call I mean text.

I texted once and called once and now I have too much pride to text or call anymore. I will just assume you were drunk and don't remember me, that's fine I'll just call some other girls.

Oh ya, I did text and call, that was hours ago though. Oh that's ok if you were at work, I was busy all day. I wouldn't want you to think I was as lazy as I really am. You were fun the other night, lets get together this weekend.

I don't know, do you like baseball? Great I have tickets to a game and we can go to dinner and then the game. It's ok I'll teach you all about the game when we get there and help you cheer for the right people.

I would normally just call when I'm outside but I don't want you to know that and that is why I decided to come to your door. Oh ya, I remember your roommate, she was at the bar with you too. She is fun I like her. I hardly know her but I like her because I know it would score negative points with you if I didn't

You look great tonight. I will be cute and open the door for you but this is going to be the only time I ever do it. Ok, we are here at the restaurant, I want to hold your hand to walk in because I think you look really pretty and I want everyone to see me walk in with you but it still seems too soon.

Here we are at dinner, I brought you to this restaurant because a friend of our family owns it and I think it will make me look cool if I know a lot of the people that are working. Go ahead and order anything you want. Just stay away from the really expensive stuff, I'm pretty sure that food is reserved for anniversary's and birthdays. See how many people I know here? Doesn't that make me look real cool and popular.

Dinner was great and I think it was cute that you actually seemed sincere about paying when the bill came. I invited you out so I will cover this date. You can make it up to me by taking me out next time.

These seats at the game are great. Ya, I know a guy and dropping names also makes me seem cool as well. I think it's cute that you keep asking all these simple questions about the game. When I am answering your questions I think it makes me look really smart and I think you should know that.

I know, it is getting dark here at the game. Here, you can wear my jacket and cozy up next to me. I think it's ok if I put my arm around you. You got even closer when I did. This is great.

We should leave now and beat the traffic. I know it's still early, we can go grab a drink. I know a great place, this is the same great bar I have taken the past 4 girls too and they all seemed to like it so I am going to stick to what works.

I know, this is a cool place, you have to see the view from the patio. I know it is super romantic. I'm trying to be a super sweet guy here. Is it working? Lets grab our drinks and come on the patio. I'm going to make fun of the drink you get and say it's girly just so I can see you giggle again.

I know, this patio is very romantic. I am going to use the same line on you that has worked with many girls in the past because I want to kiss you now. I liked the way your eyes lit up after I said that. Surprisingly you aren't a bad kisser, I would know, I have experience. Well My drink is done and I do have to work tomorrow.

I like how you let me hold your hand on the way back my car, I think you may like me. I am still trying to figure out if I like you. You are a good kisser and you are cute too. That doesn't mean I'm going to like you, in fact, I don't know why I really liked any of the girls I really liked but I wouldn't mind seeing you again. I know you may get attached but I'm going to keep my distance for a but to see if I actually like you.

I wish you would invite me up now that we are parked in front of your place. Oh your roommate is up? It's ok, I understand you not wanting your roommate to see me walk in. We can make out some more in my car. Making out is fun and I already know what I'm going to text you when I am on my way home. Ya, it is getting kind of late, have a good night and tell your roommate hi for me.

I had a great night, now you get to plan the next one ;-) I make sure to text the smiley face because girls love smiley faces. I have respect for you because you didn't escalate anything past making out. If I'm lucky? That was your response? Now you are trying to play hard to get, I think that is cute but it would be more attractive if you dropped the games. Well good deal then, I'm an extremely lucky guy. Have a good night and I will talk to you tomorrow about the next time we are going to see each other.

Breaching Comfort Levels

2008-05-27T11:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Mason,

I fell for a guy at work. Even though he was in another city, we became good friends over the phone. He moved to where I stay in January and we started working in the same department.

We started talking almost daily. He used to call me every night, he took me to select a house for him too!

I finally confessed that I loved him and after a long silence of 10 days, he came back to me and said that he really likes me too but is not sure if he loves me. He said he needs some time to figure it out and that we should try seeing each other meantime.

We started going out and I was so happy!! I was very emotionally involved but he wasn't so emotionally involved. He would be great over sms or telephone but very aloof when we were together in person

However, just after three weeks, he said that he does not think it would work out! His reasons were that he doesn't think he cares for me too much and that he will never change as a person. He also said that the problem lies with him and not with me! I think these are just evasive tactics and that he simply didn't like me.

What I cant understand is how he could dump me in 3 weeks??

We were best friends before but now have completely stopped talking to each other. I dont know what to do now and how to handle this situation.

Most of all, I need answers to why he dumped me and what was so bad!

Please help! I have to see him everyday and it kills me

- Fat, Lonely and Sad

Lonely and Sad,

Something like this just happened to a friend of mine about a month ago and I warned him about it and I was right in the end. He met a girl and she lives in a different city and after they met they had an amazing phone relationship. That's all it was in the beginning. Texting every day and a 2 hour long phone conversation about once a week. He was telling me how into her he was after all this talking but then I reminded him about how he only met her in person once. I told him not to get his hopes up because once he builds too much attraction before seeing her again then he will be let down once they do get together. After they did hang out he was disappointed and didn't know why.

This happened because there was too much attraction generated and when he hung out with her he was let down because he didn't feel the same way hanging out with her as he did when he was talking on the phone with her. He hung out with her a couple more times but was distant the entire time and eventually just stopped talking to her. Emotional and physical attraction didn't develop together so when he went out with her again his physical attraction to her didn't match his emotional attraction so things were awkward and didn't feel right to him which led him to slowly stop talking to her.

Guys need to be physically and emotionally attracted to a female in order for things to escalate.

For your guy it sounds like it was too much too fast for him. It will completely scare a guy off if you express too much interest and attraction if he isn't sharing those feelings with you. It sounds like he just isn't that into you. After you confessed your love to him then it will be hard for him to be friends with you after that because it's always hard to try to be JUST friends with someone who you know if in love with you. Any chance of a relationship here seems doomed. You scared him off too early. He is probably thinking that the only relationship you want with him is an intimate one. If you like him as a person then approach him and let him know you are interested in being just friends. Let him know that you miss his friend ship and want it back and see how he reacts. Address the issue that you moved too fast and then the rest is up to him and his comfort levels.

After you breach someone's comfort levels it's hard to get back to that place you were before. Identify someone's comfort levels and you will never have a problem with moving too fast.

Breakup And Detach

2008-05-20T14:41:00.000-07:00

(2:14:41 PM) KB: dude
(2:14:58 PM) KB: wats up
(2:15:00 PM) Mason Stanley: nuthin
(2:15:03 PM) Mason Stanley: how u doin>
(2:15:12 PM) KB: heart broken
(2:15:18 PM) KB: over this ex gf
(2:15:40 PM) KB: i cant stop thinking about her doing it w guys
(2:15:45 PM) Mason Stanley: oh
(2:15:50 PM) Mason Stanley: wasnt that a while ago?
(2:15:57 PM) KB: ya but now shes doing guys
(2:16:12 PM) Mason Stanley: thats what is gunna happen when 2 people break up
(2:16:17 PM) Mason Stanley: they eventually move on
(2:16:20 PM) Mason Stanley: and do other people
(2:16:25 PM) KB: yup
(2:16:29 PM) KB: so what doo i do
(2:16:36 PM) KB: i do it w other people
(2:16:41 PM) KB: but that doesnt help
(2:23:31 PM) Mason Stanley: you cant do it to get back
(2:23:41 PM) Mason Stanley: you just need to move on
(2:23:54 PM) Mason Stanley: lose her number
(2:23:58 PM) Mason Stanley: rid her from ur life
(2:24:10 PM) Mason Stanley: get rid of EVERYTHING that is hers or reminds you of her
(2:24:19 PM) Mason Stanley: delete emails, texts, phone numbers and all that stuff
(2:24:29 PM) KB: o man its rough
(2:24:47 PM) KB: i dont want to b w her but my mind is fooling me into thinking i want to b
(2:24:57 PM) Mason Stanley: its not supposed to be easy
(2:25:32 PM) Mason Stanley: you have do embrace being single, stop lookling tio eff people to get back at her cause thats a black hole you dont wanna enter
(2:26:22 PM) KB: i feel like an asshole jock
(2:26:36 PM) KB: who doesnt want his woman being w anyone else
(2:27:00 PM) KB: and its making me crazy
(2:27:28 PM) Mason Stanley: hahah
(2:27:34 PM) Mason Stanley: ur letting it get to you
(2:27:40 PM) KB: yes definately
(2:27:45 PM) Mason Stanley: you cant
(2:27:46 PM) KB: and i dont usually care at all
(2:27:56 PM) Mason Stanley: u have to ignore it
(2:27:59 PM) Mason Stanley: not think about it
(2:28:04 PM) KB: how
(2:28:07 PM) Mason Stanley: instead of focusing on that
(2:28:10 PM) Mason Stanley: focus on good stuff
(2:28:16 PM) Mason Stanley: you surround yourself with positive people
(2:28:20 PM) Mason Stanley: and do stuff
(2:28:27 PM) KB: true
(2:28:41 PM) KB: but i have a sidekick
(2:28:49 PM) KB: and i text her and shot
(2:28:51 PM) KB: shiot
(2:28:54 PM) Mason Stanley: you cant do that
(2:28:57 PM) Mason Stanley: delete her number
(2:29:02 PM) Mason Stanley: talking to her is a very bad thing to do
(2:29:16 PM) KB: fuck
(2:29:30 PM) KB: its really crazy cuz im usually the last guy who would vare
(2:29:33 PM) KB: care
(2:31:01 PM) KB: good advice
(2:31:07 PM) KB: should i drink
(2:31:17 PM) KB: cuz that makes my irish blood get sad
(2:34:53 PM) KB: and boil
(2:36:16 PM) Mason Stanley: no drinking
(2:36:27 PM) Mason Stanley: well drinking is ok but not alone and not because ur in a bad mood
(2:36:32 PM) Mason Stanley: only for happy times
(2:36:36 PM) Mason Stanley: with positive people
(2:40:43 PM) KB: im going gay
(2:45:02 PM) Mason Stanley: hahaha
(2:46:41 PM) KB: dudes are alot easier
(2:46:43 PM) KB: beer?
(2:46:46 PM) KB: bj?
(2:48:59 PM) Mason Stanley: they are happy
(2:49:01 PM) Mason Stanley: done and done
(3:26:44 PM) KB: good advice
(3:26:50 PM) KB: no more facebook
(3:26:54 PM) Mason Stanley: delete her
(3:26:58 PM) Mason Stanley: from myspaace
(3:27:00 PM) Mason Stanley: facebook
(3:27:01 PM) Mason Stanley: phone
(3:27:08 PM) Mason Stanley: cause if you dont then u will just wanna know
(3:27:11 PM) Mason Stanley: and you will get curious
(3:27:15 PM) Mason Stanley: and it will be too easy
(3:27:17 PM) KB: exactly
(3:27:21 PM) Mason Stanley: and then you will get down on urself
(3:27:50 PM) KB: Thanks for the advice man, i'll let you know how everything works out.

Mason's Rant

2008-05-20T11:56:00.001-07:00

I kind of went on a rant on another posting. There is some stuff in there that should be here.

Enjoy

Grateful Is Good

If You Love Someone, Let Them Go

2008-05-12T16:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Mason,

I am a 19 year old female who has been in a serious relationship for almost 2 years now. Give our age difference (he's 30), he's been one of the most wonderful guys i've ever dated. But starting at the beiginning of this year, I started to question things. Wondering if i'm ready for a commitment or if i want to "act my age" and date different people or just have to option of being by myself. I don't know what brought on these inner thoughts of mine, but they've been haunting me since. I've told him how I felt, however, but i'm still not sure of what I want. Given some background information, I haven't been the most faithful partner (that which he knows of too) yet he is wililng to wait for me and work things out. But agian, i'm not sure if that's what i want. Not sure of much at all. I do have a few guy friends that i've been hanging out with since our current break, which also makes me feel slightly guilty but at the same time i'm having fun. And also, i'm not sure if i'm being very fair about the situation seeing as he is not wanting to go out and meet people and i am. It almost feels like i'm using him. But i'm not sure if i want to break up with him completely. Sometimes i think it would be best though. Any tips/advice would be greatly appreciated on how to handle this situation.

Thank you

sophia

Dear Sophia,

You are young, these thoughts are VERY normal. On one hand you really like this guy and don't want to leave him but on the other hand you are thinking that you are giving up your youth for this relationship. The guy sounds like he understands as well. He knows what it's like to be your age and want to explore and see if there is anything out there because u feel stuck right now. This guy sounds like a keeper and wants to make you comfortable with your decision to stay with him so you don't have regrets later on.

Just because you have your space from him and you're hanging out with guys and 'acting your age' that doesn't mean you have to be unfaithful too. You shouldn't settle for being with someone you aren't head over heels for. You need to imagine 2 different realities here. Imagine your life if you ended it with him today and then imagine if you stuck with him. Which one do you like best? Which one can you see yourself doing? It sounds like you are scared to make a commitment right now because of your age but I think that if you did end it and go explore and 'act your age' then you would go right back to being with him after you saw the way guys your age can act in a relationship.

Take the break as a chance to have fun and hang out with boys, you can do that and still be faithful and not feel guilty about it. It's your chance to act your age and you can still be with your guy and live happily ever after. Your guy sounds like a keeper. He is living by the old saying, "If you love someone, let them go and if they come back to you then they are yours."

Embarassed By Bad Sex

2008-05-08T09:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Mason,

I met this guy through some mutual friends. Him and I started hanging out after meeting a few times. It was a lot of fun, he would take me out and show me a good time and we always got along really well. We had a lot in common and meshed really well. He was really shy when we first started hanging out but after getting to know him, he is one of the biggest sweethearts I have ever met. We had kissed and fooled around a little bit but still hadn't had sex. We had the opportunity to have sex many times but it just never seemed right. One day, during one of our hot make out sessions, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex and before I knew it was over. It wasn't the best but I still think this guy is great and want to give him another chance. He left a little bit after that because he had work in the morning. Ever since that night he has been super distant with me. Normally he would send me a text in the morning to say "Good Morning!" and we would talk throughout the day but now it's not like that. He hasn't initiated conversation at all. I don't want to think that he would just want to get in my pants, I thought he was different. I just don't get it. HELP!

-Not Another Girl

Not Another Girl,

Normally I would say that this is the classic case of hump 'em and dump 'em but there were some elements that make me think otherwise. First of all, hump 'em and dump 'em normally lasts 2 dates max, this guy sounded like he put in time and you guys were actually clicking. Another thing, you guys fooled around a few times and it didn't lead to sex. If he was all about just trying to get in your pants then he wouldn't JUST fool around. He would try for more each time and eventually give up and stop calling. That is ONLY if he was trying to get in your pants but this seems different. If a guy is content with where a relationship is in the beginning with no sex involved then it means he actually really likes you. Of course sex is important but it's not the most important.

This sounds like the guy was having second thoughts about his performance. This has happened to all guys before. Your soldier salutes to soon and you're left trying to make excuses. A guys performance means a lot to him and if he didn't think he gave it his all then he will be hesitant to ask for an encore. If you didn't think it was good then the guy probably knows it and is completely embarrassed he blew his one shot. (no pun intended)

It sounds like the guy is into you from what you told me about you guys having fun and connecting together so don't let 1 bad sexual episode get in the middle of it. You need to initiate conversation with him and bring up the sex. Don't be mean and don't say it was bad. Casual is the best way to bring it up. Yes, this has happened to me before many years ago when I was just a shy guy and not very good with girls. I avoided the girl like the plague until she approached me and the subject at the same time. She was completely forward about it and told me she had a great time that night and we should do it again real soon. Looking back, now I know that she wasn't telling the truth but it helped my confidence so much and I went back to how I was with her before. I ended up dating her for 2 years.

No guy puts in more than 3 dates and countless make out sessions to sleep with a girl and not call her again.

Happy And Single

2008-04-28T14:11:00.001-07:00

Despite what you may think, being single is not a bad thing. I have heard this from a lot of girls and up until yesterday I didn't know how to explain this until I spoke with a good friend of mine that had just broken up with her boyfriend. She thought that because she was single then no one wanted to be with her. I had to let her know that this was not true. She can be with guys but as I pointed out, the guys that would be with her right now, today, she wouldn't want to be with and if she did go boyfriend up then she would just be settling for some jerk that won't treat her right instead of holding out for that one awesome guy.

You have to understand when you are single that you are single not because you can't find a relationship, but because being single is your choice. If you make the conscience decision that being single as of right now is your choice, and you stick to that decision and you actually believe it then you will be so much happier as a single person and you will be able to hold out for "that guy".

We all have that friend that has to be in a relationship all the time. That friend that is never single for more than 2 weeks. Think about that friend, their relationships never last more than a couple months at the most. This is because they can never accept that being single and waiting for that right person is their choice. They think that because they are single that no one wants them and they have to get right back into that dating pool to find that boyfriend or girlfriend so they are able to validate themselves. I don't care how your last relationship ended or how you want your new one to start. You need make that decision and realize that being single is your choice.

Once you learn and accept that you're single because you choose to be then it takes all the "need" out of dating. You don't need to date to validate yourself anymore. You are now dating to qualify someone to your standards. It's your choice to be single so you don't need to jump into a relationship with someone who has been throwing up red flags left and right. You don't need to date someone who you're "kind of into" just to be with someone. Choose to be single and accept that you are single because it's your choice. Once you can accept that then dating becomes fun again. You can go out and not worry about impressing someone because you don't need that relationship because you can choose to be single.

Chose to be single, realize that being single is your choice. Realize that you are not single because no one wants you. KNOW that being single is your choice and you are better off single than you are with some jerk as of right now. Once you do that then you will start to see many doors start opening for you.

The Boys Over The Girl

2008-04-28T10:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Mason,

My boyfriend of 2 years just dumped me. We were each other's first loves. Half of our relationship was long distance and we were planning on moving closer to each other at the end of the summer. He just dumped me out of the blue, telling me he wanted time to think, he wasn't sure if he wanted to be in a serious relationship anymore, doubting our compatibility and giving me a whole lot of "I don't knows." Whatever, he doesn't know he had a great thing, his loss. But why is this so easy for him?

Since our break up, he has been going out 3 to 4 nights a week, driving to long distances to visit friends (when he made a big deal about driving to visit me), just being careless, etc. Things he never did or showed interest in while we were together. Yes, he would go out, but not as much as now. I feel like the person I loved for 2 years isn't the person he is now. It's like he is having a quarter-life crisis. I am upset and devastated, I still think about him everyday, so how and why is this break up not affecting him? I miss him like crazy, how can he not be missing me? He told me he still cares about me and he doesn't want to erase me from his life, but none of his actions have shown me that he truly means any of that. Why is he acting like I didn't mean anything to him? How and why do guys get over girls so quickly?

-Stuck

Stuck,

If it seemed so sudden and unexpected that he ended the relationship then you probably were ignoring some warning signs near the end. Signs that he knew it was going to end soon and he was starting to emotionally and physically detach himself from you and the relationship. When a guy starts doing this before it's over then it's easier for him to end it and seems like he doesn't care when it does end. When in reality, he was preparing for it.

This sounds like a classic "grass is greener" situation. Your ex sees his single friends going out and having a good time and feels that he is tied down with a relationship and isn't able to do what he wants. He starts to distance himself to end the relationship and eventually does and now he is able to be single with the boys. The grass is always greener on the other side.

Guys are also on a different emotional plane than girls and deal with stuff differently. Girls are more emotional and more extroverted with their emotions than guys and that is why they have a hard time understanding a guy and his emotions. I guarantee that he isn't the slightest bit over you but he thinks that if he acts like it then he will eventually get over you. It's the same thing when girls will cry at the end of The Notebook but guys won't. It's not that they aren't feeling the same way, they just won't show their emotions.

Guys don't get over girls that quickly, especially after 2 years. Guys just don't show that they aren't over the girl. I did this first hand after breaking up with an ex. I tried to stop talking to her which was so hard to do. I ended up not talking to her for 3 months after the breakup, going out a lot and being around friends. After 3 months her and I started talking again and hung out for about a year. The entire time I wasn't over her but I never said a word about it and never showed it. Just like your situation. I guarantee he is feeling the same way you are, he is just dealing with it another way and not showing any emotions.

You need to surround yourself with positive people and friends that make you happy. You need to go out and live the single life as well instead of missing someone that is trying to get over you. Sidenote: I'm working on a post about "being happy and single" Should be up in the next couple days. Definitely read that and it should help you out.

"No guy is worth crying over and the one that is will never make you cry" -anonymous

-Mason

Thanks For The Support!!!

2008-04-25T14:14:00.001-07:00

Hey Everyone!

Thanks soooo much for all the support I have received lately on this blog! I have been giving advice to women for a long time but started this about a month ago and have already gotten some great feedback.

I want to personally thank Cara Hurley for her continued support in this new blog.

If you know people that would be interested in my blog then tell them! Spread the word, send in emails and show some support so we can have more emails which equals more posts and more advice :-)

THANKS!!!!

From Guys To Girls

2008-04-25T09:37:00.001-07:00

This letter has been going around for a while. This is from guys to girls. This is all completely true and all guys will agree.

We don't care if you talk to other guys.

We don't care if you're friends with other guys.

But when you're sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room and you jump up and tackle him, without even introducing us, yeah, it pisses us off.

It doesn't help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without even acknowledging the fact that we're still there.

We don't care if a guy calls >OR TEXTS< you, but at 2 in the morning we do get a little concerned.

Nothing is that important at 2 a.m. that it can't wait
till the morning.

we do get a little concerned!

Also, when we tell you you're pretty/ beautiful/ gorgeous/
cute/ stunning, we mean it.

Don't tell us we're wrong.

We'll stop trying to convince you.

The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence.
Yeah, you can quote me.

Don't be mad when we hold the door open. Take Advantage of the mood im in.

let us pay for you!

dont "feel bad"

We enjoy doing it.

It's expected.

Smile and

say "thank you."

Kiss us when no

one's watching.

If you kiss us when you know somebody's looking, we'll be more impressed.

You don't have to get dressed up for us.

*************If we're going out with you in the first place, you don't have to feel the need to wear the shortest skirt you have or put on every kind of makeup you own.

We like you for who you are and not what you are.

honestly, i think a girl looks more beautiful when she's just in her pj's. or my tshirt and boxers, not all dolled up*************

Don't take everything we say seriously.

Sarcasm is a beautiful thing. See the beauty in it.

Don't get angry easily.

Stop using magazines/media as your bible.

Don't talk about how hott Morris Chesnutt, Brad Pitt, or Jesse McCartney is in front of us.

It's boring, and we don't care. You have girlfriends for that.

Whatever happened to the word "handsome"/"beautiful"

I'd be utterly stunned by a girl who greeted me
with "Hey handsome!" instead of "Hey baby/ stud/ cutie/ sexy" or whatever else you can think of.

on the other hand im not sayin i woulndnt like it ether ; )

*********Girls, I cannot stress this enough:if you aren't being treated right by a guy, dont't wait for him to change.ditch his sorry,disgrace to the male population ass and find someone who will treat you with utter respect********

Someone who will honor your morals.

Someone who will make you smile when you're at your
lowest.

Someone who will care for you even when you make mistakes.

Someone who will love you, no matter how bad you make them feel.

Someone who will stop what theyre doing just to look you in the eyes....and say "i love you" ..and actually mean it.

Someone who will buy you flowers on a Wednesday for the sheer fact that it's Wednesday.

Half and Half

2008-04-23T15:49:00.000-07:00

Since I kind of went on a tangent with my other post and it belongs on both blogs then I'm just going to link to it.

The Way I Feel About Dating

ENJOY!

New Blog

2008-04-22T11:46:00.001-07:00

Hey Everyone!

I have been receiving some inquiries about my dating life and all that good stuff that comes with it. As of right now I am single and I am not looking for a girlfriend. If I find one then all the power to me but when you actually go out looking then you settle and I definitely don't want to settle. I want that girl who inspires me. That girl that makes me want to send flowers to her work just because it's Wednesday.

I have talked to so many girls who say the same thing, "Well we have been together for so long, it's just time to take that next step." To me that is settling. You should WANT to take the next step. When you find that right person then you should love them more after a year than you did at 6 months.

I do date and I do meet girls regularly and I will be posting a lot of my personal experiences as well as my thoughts so you are able to get in the mind of Mason during my dating adventures. The link is on the blogs to the right labeled Mason Stanley.

I am still answering your questions as well so keep those coming.

Enjoy!

As always, your feedback is welcome.

Diamonds and Gold

2008-04-14T13:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Mason,

I have been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now and things are starting to get bad. When we first started dating we would go out and have fun. He would take me to dinners and we would go to parties and hang out with both of our friends and he would show me off to his friends. It was so cute. This lasted for a couple months but recently all we have been doing is staying in watching TV and sitting at his friend's house watching TV. I don't get it. I ask him if he wants to go to dinner or a party or just out and every time he just says no like its nothing. I am getting frustrated. I like him a lot and want things to be how they were when we first started dating. How do I get things back that way? Am I doomed?

-Take me out

Take me out,

It sounds like you guys have just gotten to comfortable with each other. Don't get me wrong, that is a good thing to an extent. The way I had this explained to me in the past was diamonds and gold. In every relationship there needs to be an even amount of diamonds and gold. Woman need diamonds (date nights, walks on the beach, romantic sunsets, etc...) and men need gold (sex). A good relationship is an even amount of both diamonds and gold. From what you described to me about your relationship is that there is all gold and no diamonds. There needs to be an even amount of diamonds and gold. If he's not giving you the diamonds then why are you giving him the gold? If he isn't taking you out as much as he used to then you don't need to have sex as much as you used to. Don't tell him you are doing it, don't even be mean about doing it. Just as nonchalantly as he can say no to you when you ask to be taken out then you can just as nonchalantly say no to him when things start to heat up in the bedroom.

If your man isn't giving you diamonds then you shouldn't be giving him gold.

Think about it, with guys that are just friends, there is no diamonds and gold, you want this guy to be a boyfriend. You don't want him to be a guy you hang out with like you do with your male friends.

You need a spark in your relationship and things to be fun again like in the beginning. In the 'honeymoon stage". Sounds like you guys had a great honeymoon stage and then things fizzled. You need to get back in that mind state and start having fun with your man again. Go out, act stupid, be childish and have fun with each other. If your man isn't willing to do that to make you happy then you shouldn't be with someone who won't go out of his way to make you happy.

-Mason Stanley

Attraction Is An Art

2008-04-13T15:40:00.000-07:00

Mason,

I normally wouldn't write in but here goes... I have been single about 2 years now and I like to think of myself as an attractive girl, I don't really have much trouble meeting guys. I want to settle down and I want a boyfriend and it just seems so hard. I meet guys often and I am often disappointed by them. I have dated my share of guys since I have been single and it just never seems to work out. I don't know if it's me, or if it's really just the caliber of guys I am meeting. Last guy I met at a bar, he was really sweet and we hung out for a few weeks and I started to really like him and then it just seemed to fizzle. There was nothing anymore, we just kinda stopped talking. We still exchange texts and stuff but it just doesn't seem he is interested anymore and I don't want to put my all into a guy who isn't into me as much as I'm into him. This isn't the first time this has happened either. Am I doing something wrong? Is it the guys? What do I do?

-Single and stressed

Single and Stressed,

This is a common problem with a lot of girls. I know my fare share of girls that date a new guy for 2 weeks at least once a month. This sounds like you aren't much of a challenge for the guy. Regardless of what you may think, guys do enjoy a challenge. We all know girls enjoy a good challenge when it comes to guys and they don't want a guy to just roll over and be their little slave. Although you girls would love that, it's just not fun for a relationship. Guys are the same way, they want that challenge.

Sidenote: Some friends and I just recently rented a big vacation house we spent a weekend in. There were some girls there that I didn't know and I met one I was completely into. She was attractive but overall she had a great personality and had this energy that was so much fun to be around. Anyways, nothing happened that day, then the next day some more girls came and from across the backyard we saw them walk out. I was sitting with a male friend who said to me as he pointed out a new arrival from across the backyard, "I would be super impressed if you got with her" Him saying that completely switched my attraction over to this new arrival because now it was a challenge. It was a stated spoken challenge. I didn't realize why I was so attracted to the new girl until later that evening and then I realized it was because my friend had said that to me and every guy loves a challenge.

What I am trying to say is, you need to be that challenge until you know that your guy does start to have feelings for you. You need to make yourself available but not too available. Im also not saying don't sleep with him. You can sleep with him but, and this is important, NOT EVERY TIME you hang out. Guys are like dogs, when they do something good then you can reward them with a treat.

You also cannot display too much attraction too soon. Nothing will turn a guy away faster than a girl who tells him how much she likes him after 2 weeks of dating.

I used to be the guy that you are describing. I used to be into a girl until she told me how into me she was then I would lose all attraction. Some guys are different and take a long time to let their walls down and let themselves be so into someone. I was one of those guys. My last girlfriend and I dated for 3 months before we became exclusive and in that time I saw her being friendly with other guys (Nothing more than talking and social interaction) but this spiked my attraction levels for her. I saw that other guys wanted her (even if they just wanted to sleep with her) and that made me more attracted.

I'm getting off of subject now. What I am saying is that you need to be a little less available to these guys you think you may like. Emotionally and physically unavailable. Its a fact, people want what they can't have. If you become that person then the attraction will grow so much more. Be busy, have friends, go out, make the boys chase you just like a cat chases a string. The cat is completely into the string when it is able to barely touch the string as it is moving away but the minute you stop moving the string and the cat is able to get it and do what it wants with it then that same cat becomes uninterested in that same string.

-Mason Stanley

Play The Field, Date On The Side

2008-04-11T16:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Mason,

I met a guy and we started hanging out. On the second or third date, he made a comment like "let me know if you ever sleep with someone else." That combined with what I knew of him from our conversations, I figured he didn't really want to be committed (I was his first girlfriend), but I kind of put it in the back of my mind. We dated for 8 months and things were going well. Then, on our 8 month anniversary, we had a really serious conversation, with some of the things he said including "I feel like I'm leading you on. I can't say that I love you... I'm not sure I can love anyone at this point, or ever," (he had some emotional issues growing up) and "I really like hanging out with you, you're like my best friend, I feel closer to you than my own family, but I can't be committed to you at this point." He was unable to tell me if he thought his feelings would ever change.

For some reason I stayed with him, and now, 2 years later, things are basically the same. He's "been with" only one other person the whole time, but it's not for lack of trying. We get along so well though, and we really care about each other. Does it ever happen that when a guy gets more experience with other women, he eventually becomes "ready" to settle down? I mean, most people do end up settling down eventually, right? Basically, I can't decide if he really does just want more experiences with other women before he settles down with me (and even if that's the case, I don't want to wait around for 2 more years!), or if he just doesn't feel that I'm the right person for him to settle down with, but doesn't want to tell me that because he knows I won't be with him anymore after that. I do date other people, but things never work out, probably because I'm still so hung up on him.

- Very confused

Very Confused

Sounds like this guy has you on the back burner. There is never a set time when a guy is "ready" to settle down. A guy is ready when he meets the right girl. Family issues are always hard to deal with and make relationships a lot harder. I have been in that boat before but regardless of what issues my family has had and what that has done to me, in the past when I have met "that" girl then everything changed.

More experience with more women does not lead to settling down especially when you are part of his life when he is getting that experience. He is just learning that you will put up with it and that you'll keep waiting around. It sounds like he is stringing you along with false hopes of commitment so you are always close enough to be with but far away enough to not settle down with.

Right now he has all the dominance in your relationship because, like you said, you are still hung up on him and he knows that. He also knows that you won't date someone else when you are still hung up on him. The minute that you realize that you deserve more than what he is giving you is when you will gain the upper hand. Just because you have feelings for him, don't make excuses for him, that gives him too much power. Any relationship is not 50/50, its 100/100.

You need to give him the choice and stick to your guns. It's been 2 years now which is way too long. He knows if he wants to be with you. Any guy knows if they really want to be with a girl within anywhere from 2 weeks to 3 months depending on how much time is spent together.

Make him choose to be with you or not. You don't deserve to be strung along for another 2 years watching from the sidelines while he tries to play the field. You need to be ready to walk away if he doesn't want to settle down because if you don't then your dating life is history. You will be hung up on this guy for a very long time, all the while missing opportunities with guys who will sweep you off your feet. Guys like that are still out there, trust me, I'm friends with many of them.

Experience doesn't lead to settling down. The right person leads to settling down. Give him the the choice and if he can't see you as that person then it's a waste of your time and you need to move on.

-Mason Stanley

Booty Call Bad Boy

2008-04-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

Mason,

I met a guy and we talked for a little bit and then we started hooking up. It was never a big deal, we would hang out at his place with his friends and then I would sleep there a couple nights a week. We have a lot of mutual friends but we never hang out no matter how many times I try to make plans with him. He is either staying home or has plans. I don't want to be pushy and bug him all the time but I am starting to like the guy and I just want to hang out with him more. We talk almost everyday but never hang out. He does have a lot of friends though and is always doing stuff so I don't know what to think. He calls me when he is done with his plans which usually involves drinking and then I'll come over and we will hang out but we don't hook up every time so its not so much a booty call. I want something more from him though and I don't know how to get that.

-In Like

In Like,

Sounds like you let yourself become the booty call. Why would he hang out with you if he is already getting what he wants from you? It makes no sense. If he wanted what you wanted then he would try to hang out with you, no matter how many friends or how many plans he has. Guys make an effort when they truly start liking a girl and until you see an effort then I wouldn't get too attached. If you aren't seeing an effort from him then give him that same lack of effort and STOP BEING THE BOOTY CALL. When he calls at night to hang out then don't answer, or answer and tell him that if he really wants to hang out then you guys can hang out (insert time and place here) and set a date. No girl deserves to be strung along as a booty call by a guy that they are developing feelings for. If this continues then you should just stop talking to him, you will get hurt in the short run. You are missing great guys every day that you still try to make something happen with him.

-Mason Stanley

Miss Confused

2008-04-01T13:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Mason,

I was dating someone for a year and then we broke up because he said he wanted space. We used to live together and everything. I was single for a while and now I have just started dating a new guy for about 2 weeks now. After my ex found out I was dating someone else he started telling me that he wanted me to move back in with him. He said he still needed his space but it would be like we were together and we would only sleep with each other and we would live together too. I still have feelings for my ex but I also really like this new guy that I'm dating cause he is such a sweetheart and does everything for me. I can tell he cares about me and he is always trying to do stuff for me. What do I do???

-Miss Confused

Miss Confused,

First you need to stop dating immature guys. Your new guy sounds like a VERY insecure guy and I would get out of that relationship asap. ANY guy who puts his all into a girl in the very beginning like the guy you described really has nothing else going for him except for the fact that he is dating a girl. It may seem sweet and adorable for a little bit but I don't give that more than 3 months until you get annoyed by his neediness.

For the ex, he just doesn't know what he wants. Guys are weird like that. Let me break this down step by step. This guy is confused, when he says he needs space it means that he wants to start looking into other girls to see if there is anyone better out there. By better, i mean better for him. When you start dating another guy then your ex gets jealous and wants you back. Any guy will get jealous if he finds out a girl he is sleeping with is dating someone else. If you go back to him then the same thing will happen again and he will ask for space. Do you really want to date someone who doesn't know what they want? Even worse, someone who doesn't know if they want to be with you?

You should cut off ties with your ex before he confuses you more. It will be push pull until the bitter end if you end up going back to him. Delete his number, erase emails, just cut him out of your life completely. Use this new guy to help you get over your ex. It won't last long with him, I can see you ending it early because of his neediness but it will help you get over your ex and find yourself in the process.

-Mason Stanley